Both my husband and I have ADHD, and I really recognise this. Both of us have an automatic reaction to anything perceived as criticism to immediately refuse to take blame - if I say "oh shit it was bin day yesterday, it didn't go out" his default response would be "well I was doing X Y Z and I didn't know it was the orange bin this week". My default would be the same.
Luckily thanks to a lot of ADHD coaching over the years and some very open dialogue with each other, we're much less likely to fall back on the default now - I'm not sure if it comes from a lifetime of being aware that we're almost always not doing something we should be, or have missed something we shouldn't, and it makes us defensive. It's especially the case with small, ordinary household tasks - washing up, bins, etc - because we're both hyperaware of how often we 'fail' those. Or it's RSD, which is common in people with ADHD, and makes us react very poorly to (real or percieved) criticism.
Now, we know how to handle it in one another. So I'd say "we forgot the bins again - typical us, can't be helped, shall we do a tip run tomorrow?" - make it something that isn't blaming the other directly, offer a joint solution. Or instead of him saying "the cats haven't been fed yet" it'd be "ah shit it's 6pm can you get the cat's bowls and i'll get the biscuits?". I'm not sure it's the 'best' solution - it doesn't always mean taking responsibility - but it avoids that little panic/fear flare in our brains that make us defensive, and then we're much more likely to go, "Shit yeah, sorry, I forgot".
You mention tasks like needing to go to bed/switch light off etc - as I'm sure you know, the idea of doing boring tasks that hold no dopamine potential can be absolutely abhorrent to ADHD brains, to the point of anger and annoyance when asked to do them. If you haven't already, consider ways to mitigate that where you can - we have a speaker in the bathroom so I can listen to a snippet of podcast/a song while I brush my teeth and that makes it just interesting enough to get me to do it. My husband likes to dump the entire clean laundry pile in front of the TV and fold while he watches, or he wouldn't be able to force himself to do it. We got a Google home system and smart plugs so when we both come up to bed having not switched lamps off downstairs - because genuinely, it's so small and dull and routine that our brains actively avoid it! It is SO STUPID - that we have a nightly routine of switching them all off via the app in bed and we've named them all, so we say "Night Patricia" (the living room lamp) "Night Hubert" (conservatory lamp) etc. Because it is 0.1% more fun than actually doing it by the switch and that's enough.
You have my sympathies though. It's a fucking baffling way to exist, and it took me 2 and a half decades of hating myself for not being ABLE to bring myself to do the smallest things and being defensive, annoyed or evasive when I felt even slightly like I was being asked to do something I should be able to do.