I'm struggling a bit with this at the moment and it's really difficult because my DH thinks I'm being unreasonable and that I irrationally hold onto things - maybe I do, but I don't know how to let go of them, and they are starting to eat away at me.
So basically my MIL and I have had a difficult relationship at times. These are the main points I get stuck on (sorry for the very long post!)
About 5 years ago: About a week after my DH proposed (after being together for 5 years) we met up with his parents at this outdoor event. When we arrived I was in the car talking to my MIL's sister (who is really lovely). She works at a wedding venue so we were talking about how maybe we could look into it for our wedding. I was excited about being engaged and it was nice to talk about some plans, even though we weren't thinking about getting married for a year or so. My MIL came up to the car and I rang off the phone, said hello, and said oh I was just on the phone to your sister, we were talking about maybe using where she works as the wedding venue. My MIL cut me off and said 'Oh I don't want to talk about that now, why do we have to talk about that now?' and I was a bit surprised but said ok and we all walked together to the event. Then later she starts saying that we wouldn't be getting married for a while so we don't need to think about it now, why do I have to start planning so early, weddings are so expensive, why do you have to spend so much money (I hadn't booked anything at this point). I was kind of upset because I was excited about being engaged and this was the first time I'd seen my husband's parents since he proposed so I thought it would be nicer. Anyway, later she'd had a few drinks and started saying to my FIL - 'why haven't you ever asked me to marry you?' (they're not married)? and I was like 'ok I get it now, I don't think her reaction is actually to do with me' but I was kind of pissed off that she was taking the nice edge off being newly engaged for me. Later on we go back to their house for dinner, and through the whole dinner my MIL kept talking about how if I had children I wouldn't breastfeed and would 'just feed them from jars' how I wouldn't cook proper food for them - she kept going on about it and it really upset me - not because I think there is anything wrong with not breastfeeding etc, just that she meant it in a mean way towards me. I'm terrible at confrontation so didn't say anything, but got really upset in the car on the way home. My DH said he hadn't realised anything was wrong but he rang her and said that I was really upset and she came over and said sorry and was crying but that it was to do with something else (not sure why I was bearing the brunt of whatever else was going on but hey ho). I was still upset but decided to just move on with life.
Then, when we did eventually get married I really enjoyed organising it and making stuff. I spent quite a while on the table plan and consulted my husband about his family members and who should sit where because I didn't know some of them that well. The day before the wedding we were finishing everything off and family and friends came to help. My BIL saw the table plan and kicked up a fuss because he was sitting near some family members he didn't like (my husband hadn't mentioned anything about this). My BIL said he wouldn't sit there and literally moved his place name and knife and fork to the corner of another table but all the tables had 10 places so it was really squished in. I got upset and was saying that the meal is only an hour or 2 so couldn't he just deal with it for a couple of hours ( my BIL was in his mid 20s at this point) because I'd spent a lot of time making the table plan and the tables were equally laid out. My DH was being a bit wishy washy about it and not saying anything, and I got really upset and went and cried in the car BUT nobody knew I was there - while I was there I heard my MIL slagging me off to my husband, saying I should have thought about it more etc, my DH was pretty weak and didn't back me up. He found me eventually and I told him I had heard everything they had said, and was really angry and upset (the night before my wedding!). Only at that point did he go and say that his brother had to sit there, it would only be for a short amount of time etc. I was supposed to go for dinner with my bridesmaids but this whole event took over and I ended up having take away pizza at home with them and I spent the night before my wedding exhausted with a red puffy face.
Next - this is the most unforgivable thing and I don't think I will ever get over it. I have previously posted about it before on here: Last year I had a stillbirth. We live abroad now away from family. About a week after the birth my parents came to visit, they booked a hotel, they gave me space when I needed it (which was a lot) and were happy to just be there for me when I needed them to be and brought books to read when I needed the space. My BIL was very kind and offered to visit us and look after us/cook for a few days and he offered to stay in an Airbnb - in the end he didn't come but it was a really nice offer. My PIL came to visit and my husband said that they couldn't stay in our 1 bedroom apartment because I felt I needed the space to cry and grieve in private when I felt I had to. His Mum made a fuss about how they couldn't stay with us but booked somewhere else. They arrived the evening of our baby's funeral. The next day we met up and went out for a walk but his Mum kept bringing up the fact we said they couldn't stay in our flat. She also said ''you wouldn't expect your brother to stay in an airbnb would you?' and I felt like saying 'yes we would, but we didn't need to as he offered to stay in an airbnb because he isn't an horribly insensitive person like you.' but once again, I didn't say anything - I know I should've but I was in such a state after losing the baby, going through birth and burying our baby boy in a foreign country that I just wanted to get away from her. My husband didn't say much but to be fair he was also struggling and traumatised from the whole experience. I was absolutely livid and walked away and ignored her for the rest of the day. She kept saying 'oh we came too soon, you're not ready for us to visit' and I wanted to scream 'f**k you - it's your behaviour that's causing the problem' but I didn't. Also when they were here after losing the baby I was talking about my experience, and my MIL interrupted me to have a joke with my FIL about something he was doing in the kitchen, literally whilst I was in the middle of talking about my stillbirth. I cried a lot about that time because I felt that even after I had a stillbirth, she still had to be the centre of attention and that my needs came second.
Anyway, fast forward to now and I'm pregnant again - 8 months. It's been a tough time for me and my husband because we haven't seen any family since last year and the covid lockdowns and restrictions whilst grieving for a baby and dealing with the anxieties of being pregnant again have been hard. A few months ago we were hoping family could visit - My parents offered to stay in a hotel again but in the end due to delta I said no visitors from the UK as I wasn't vaccinated at that point. My parents just said 'ok no worries, we'll come when you feel ready'. Then I had to have a long and painful conversation with my PIL about it and my MIL kept on about how she wasn't scared of getting the virus, and comparing me to other pregnant family members (who's experiences are totally different from mine) and how they would be ok with it. I felt frustrated that I can't just say 'I don't want visitors at the moment because I'm pregnant and feel vulnerable and the numbers are going up in the UK' and she just accepts it. My husband literally said nothing the whole call and I got really angry afterwards because I am fed up of it only being me saying something.
So now I will be double vaccinated and my parents are visiting and my PIL would like to visit but my husband is afraid of telling them they can't stay here (I still don't want anyone to stay and especially not after the way they behaved last time.) My husband is currently off work sick due to stress (I think partially due to the difficult circumstances of the last year) and so I don't feel I can really push him on this right now but I really want to get it sorted.
As I write this I know that it's really up to my husband to deal with this but his mother is really overbearing and both he and his sister have quite bad anxiety I think from childhood trauma of having such an overbearing mum. Both my DH and FIL both just go along with it because it means their lives are easier. Also it's not like she's this horrible witch the whole time, she can be kind and generous and has helped us in different ways, but I think she always has to been the centre of attention and how she feels and what she wants to do is the most important thing to her.
I feel like she has messed up every major thing I've gone through with my husband with her selfishness and inability to think that other people may think differently to her. I don't want her to do the same with this experience with my rainbow baby but don't know how to stop it from happening. When I talk to my husband he says I should let things go but I said I will never let go of the stillbirth incident. I hate how he makes it seem like I am being overly sensitive (perhaps with the first 2 incidents but definitely not the third) and it's easier for him to shift everything on to me rather than just be firm with his mother - upsetting me is easier to deal with than upsetting his mum. I worry that in the future my MIL will want to do something dangerous (for example take small children in the car without a car seat - something she tried to do with our niece) and that my husband won't have the balls to stand up to her about it if I'm not there.
AIBU? If so, how do I work through this, and if not, how can I stop it from happening in the future. Would appreciate any advice!