Mum got drunk at my wedding . Don’t want to talk to her .

[Tigersparklespink]

My mum got drunk at my wedding . She was drunk early on in the day and as she tends to became unkind and rude to me . I spent my wedding trying to keep her from other guests . I found this extremely stressful . Eventually I left her . I found out she had split drinks and been talking rubbish and falling about . My OH insisted it is ok and his family didn’t judge and not to worry .

What annoys me is that when my mum has a drink she becomes spiteful . She told me several times
“You are so posh aren’t you ! “ because I asked her to stop shouting and whistling .
“ you are so bossy “ because I asked her to eat as she desperately needed to eat her dinner as she was so drunk .
“ you think you know everything and you don’t “ because I asked her to stop demanding a drink from the waitress and that she would be served in time “
Throughout the day she kept loudly moaning about guests to me . Which was mortifying . The next day no mention was made of her behaviour by anyone . My mum continued as normal so I did too - even though I was very upset .

For some reason my mum will constantly be negative of others. Her only conversation seems to be about others .

I have always found my mum to be selfish and negative . She dominates conversations and she repeats the same stories over and over . These stories generally are negative accounts of others . Even on the phone my mum will dominate all conversation. It is hard as she is kind and she does mean well and I know in the past she has been hurt but I have realised that I no longer enjoy spending time with her or talking to her .

My sister is aware that my mum constantly talks about others , is negative and tells the same stories over and over . However she spends very limited time with her and let’s mums behaviour go over her head .

It’s been a few weeks since the wedding and I don’t want to talk to my mum. I don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her I am disappointed with her . But no one ever pulls her up on her behaviour. I am not saying I am perfect but I am just so frustrated with her . She always seems to be totally oblivious to her behaviour . I realise that maybe I need to tell her . But I don’t think she is emotionally mature enough to accept her behaviour. Or maybe I am just too scared to upset her .

I am giving birth in 4 weeks and I am concerned as I know my mum wants to be a big part and wants to come and visit a lot and be a big part in the babies life but I am so cross with her. Of all the things she has done I have just accepted my mum as being abit difficult but after her performance at my wedding I am just so cross . It was a very small wedding and I can’t understand why she would do this to me . I have spent years feeling frustrated and disappointed by her and I just don’t want her to tarnish the arrival
Of my little girl. Yet i don’t want to be cruel.

I don’t know what to do ? I am just fed up of the negativity She brings . I’m annoyed with myself for not dealing with this over the years!

I think you have your answer- if no one pulls her up on her behaviour, does she even know she is causing a problem? I would say something. Why are you protecting her feelings so much at the detriment to your own feelings? Can you also get your sister to back you up?

Agree to only see her when she's sober and shut down any nastiness. It almost inevitably will lead to tears and tantrums and you ending g up low contact but the alternative is more of what you are experiencing now.

It's not cruel to insist on being treated kindly and w respect. Also, it doesnt seem like your mum has any particular problem w cruelty.

Why are you concerned about her feelings when she isn't about yours? Tell her how much she upset you and that if she doesn't sort her shit out you don't want her negativity in your DC's life.

I've had to make sure my mum doesn't talk to my DC in the way she spoke/speaks to me. You'll find it easier to be firm when you are protecting your child.

sorry but i’d cut her off. what a selfish way to act.

I'm so sorry you had to spend your special day running after her! It must have been embarrassing and exhausting. I think you need to be more like your sister and take a step back from your mum for now, so you can get a clear head and assess how you want your relationship to be like going forward, especially with your baby and birth.

Personally, having had experience of narcissistic and selfish family members (not saying your mum is this way) I would not pull her up on her behaviour but completely back off and use pregnancy fatigue as an excuse for not messaging or seeing her as much!

Maybe make a plan with your DH that you only want to see family X amount of time after birth and only on X Y Z days/hours ?

Your sister has the right idea.

If your Mum hasn't contacted you since your wedding, I'd just let things drift.

I'd also get some counselling on setting up some good strong clear boundaries for yourself

That sounds hard OP. I'm not sure what you can do other than I think something does need to change.

If you speak to her I'd focus on how she makes you feel rather than her behaviour. Eg 'I am very hurt by you calling me posh and bossy at the wedding and embarrassed that you spoke about other guests within earshot' rather than 'your negative behaviour spoils everything and you completely ruined my wedding'.

I also think if you have similar events in the future, rope in someone else to help. Like your husband or someone less involved that she can rant at and they can steer her away if she starts to kick off.

don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her I am disappointed with her

Why not though? Why do people consistently put up with this crap from others just in case they get "upset". No wonder some get away with treating others like dirt when noone says anything.

Oh dear. I'm so sorry that this happened to you on your wedding day. It was your day and your mother should have been on her absolute best behaviour. If my mother (who is also very difficult and emotionally immature) acted that way on my wedding day, I would personally find it almost unforgiveable.

Her behaviour will not change if there are no consequences. I very much think you need to start putting yourself first and setting some boundaries with her. My life (and relationship with my own mother) has improved so much since I started to do this.

How your mother reacts to your boundaries is her responsibility. If you need to limit contact with her to preserve your own happiness and well being, that's what you need to do. I know it's incredibly hard to do this initially - maybe consider some therapy. If you're too busy for that right now try following @nedratawwab on instagram for some helpful insights.

Wishing you all the best for the arrival of your baby girl. You'll never get those first weeks with her back, treasure them and don't give your mother the opportunity to spoil it for you. You can create a mother / daughter bond that's far more special with your own daughter now.

She is an EI parent (emotionally immature). it can be really difficult to deal with how immature our parents are. I read a book on how to deal with it

She sounds awful, OP. Some combination of abusive/narcissistic/alcoholic and a dementor. Sorry that you had to deal with all of that on your wedding day.

Your sister is right - low/no contact is the way forward here. I wouldn't give her the chance to ruin any more important moments in your life.

OP, I would follow your sister’s approach. Your mum sounds quite unpleasant and I think you’re at the point where you have to accept she isn’t the mum you want or even deserve.

Low contact and accept she is not capable of caring for you as a mum should. I think you need to be ready for the fact she will be an equally unpleasant grandma too. She will probably try to use your baby against you as well to manipulate you and get what she wants.

Congratulations on your wedding and the imminent arrival of your baby. Make sure you surround yourself with only people who love and care for you properly.

Your dm is an adult.
She wouldn't treat others as she has you.
My dm can be like this.
She started kicking off about invites for my dds wedding.
My protective instincts kicked in and I told her that she either toes the line or doesn't come.

However I waited too many years to stand up to her but when I did it was worth it.
Don't wait as long as me.

How awful for you on your wedding day. She sounds very like my mum apart from the drinking. All the family recently attended a family party, she went to sit in the next room for two hours as she has a fear of missing out. I stayed where I was because this particular room was full of babies attending the party. When she returned she made some comment about me not sitting with her that afternoon and proceeded to ignore me from all conversations for the rest of the time. I could go on...everytime I see her I come away feeling bad about myself.
She is elderly now but has always been the same and none of us challenge her for fear of upsetting her. We should have challenged her about it years ago.

You could be talking about my mum. You have my sincere sympathies, it's really hard.

I've realised that she is a narcissist (mine is also an alcoholic, but you don't mention a history of drinking here) who makes all situations about her. She is also relentlessly negative, talking to her is such a draining experience. She talks over me and always has. When she calls I can pretty much just leave the phone on the table and get on with other things, because she simply doesn't listen when I talk and then complains that "no one tells me anything". She's simply not interested in finding out who her children are as people.

I've learnt to have firm boundaries. I don't cut her off entirely - I don't want that for me, or for her, but I have to go low contact for the sake of myself and for my child.

Narcissists thrive on attention, so when she's overstepped, I just don't give her any. I close myself off to her, don't give her details about my life, don't let her in at all. It makes me desperately sad to do this as I would love to have a close relationship with my mum, but I have resigned myself to the fact that it's not possible for us. It's her personality. I have had a few frank conversations with her about it, but it's always blown up in my face. She's not ready to hear it. I can only hope that she sees the pattern and decides to change, but I don't have any hope of this really.

Be very firm when the baby comes. It is easier in a way to do this when you're advocating for your child.

you could try and talk to her and say bluntly how you feel abour her terrible behaviour , but i think be prepared it might not be received well , just from what you have said about her personlity ,shes unlikely to accept shes got a problem at all , im just saying be prepared for her to put it all onto you as in you have a problem ,
if she does get all funny and its got to the point that you cant face talking to her then as someone up above has said you will have to get tough with her and tell her your not putting up with it anymore .

i appreciate how hard it might be though , and you dont want to upset her , but the painful fact is she kinda messed up your big day big time because of her lack of control and she doesnt seem to be aware that she did so , which is a lack of self awareness of how her behaviour affects others .
it might very well go down badly , but maybe it would be better to lance the wound now so to speak rather than let it keep festering .
if her poor behaviour just carries on unchallenged you could be feeling like this for years to come which would cause so much mental stress you dont need the burden of

It is time to go very low contact and keep her out of your life op. She is single handedly ruining the most special moments of your life, of course you must feel so devastated and upset.

You are having your first baby in four weeks, you can't change what has happened but you can be sure she does not wreck the first weeks and months of your baby's life. They are so precious, more precious and special than the wedding and you have time now to put boundaries in place.

Decide if you want her to come at all to see the baby, I would be extremely careful about letting her anywhere near your baby to be quite honest given her drink problem. If she comes it is first thing in the morning for half an hour and you say you are going to sleep with the baby. Your oh needs to be on board to help put these boundaries in place and keep to them.

Ensure you have a great support network that does not rely on her in any way. You will be too tired to do this once your baby has arrived, so think about who can help and when now.

Never leave your baby with her op. Never.

I would make her at the most someone you see a few times a year, and then very limited so she does not hurt you or your young family anymore. You deserve so much better

She's got a problem....as in she's an alcoholic.

You don't HAVE to keep them in your lives. Alcoholics I mean.

I second the fact she is narcissist, and really there is nothing you can do to change her, the quicker you accept that she will never change you easier it will be to put bullet proof boundaries around your life so she can not ruin your life as well.
You are going to need to be very strong when it comes to your child, as your child is going to be fair game for the same treatment (I learnt this the hard way and it was horrible for my kids) Do not expect her to be anything other than vile, and then plan a life without her there special milestones should be celebrated together with friends or just you as a family. You will be amazed at how happy and carefree they are when you no longer need to deal with her behaviour, you can enjoy the best moments of your life without the stress op. Yes it is sad, and you will feel sad not to have the kind of mother that loves you enough to properly be there for you, but once you have fully accepted she is what she is, and no mother Teresa you can carve out an exceedingly happy, contented life without her negative input.

You don't have to be cruel, just be honest.

Mum, your behaviour at our wedding was embarrassing and upsetting for me, I feel I don't want to spend time with you when you have been drinking if you continue to behave in that manner. So the best thing for us is to have some time away from each other.

I'd take a leaf out of your sister's book - don't feel like you have to spend too much time with her, and also don't feel like your mum's behaviour is a reflection on you at all - your mum is her own person and if people do look negatively on her behaviour & judge her that's your mum's problem, not yours.
Also, your mum's behaviour is not your responsibility to sort out - you can't make her change but you can be clear about how you wish to spend time with her.

No drinking when she is in your company, for example. Just short visits at first.

I think your sister has the right idea.

Avoid, keep at a distance, let her behaviour wash over you.

I know it's hard, but try not to let it affect your memories of the day. Try and think about all the nice things instead and reframe it. Memories are just the last story we tell ourselves of what happened, so make it a good one or you'll resent it forever.

I mean this kindly but I think you spoilt your own day. Why are you trying to controlling your drunk mother? Only she can control her actions and not when drunk. Stop trying to protect her, just let her get on with it. My DDad was an alcoholic, it gets a lot easier when you stop trying to fix them, because you can't.

Just withdraw from her a bit, don't tell her you're in hospital, give a hazy due date so she can't make firm plans. If you don't want her round say so. It'll cause upset but so does her drunkeness and if you stop responding to it you'll help yourself overcome your issues. I suspect if this has been going on for a while she'll get worse, and you need to ensure you have boundaries for that and a coping mechanism.

@LagunaBubbles

don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her I am disappointed with her

Why not though? Why do people consistently put up with this crap from others just in case they get "upset". No wonder some get away with treating others like dirt when noone says anything.

Exactly this. One day, you may hear those spiteful, judgemental words coming out if your child’s mouth. Decide on your priorities.

You could be describing my mum here OP. When my DB got married he told her in no uncertain terms that she wasn’t to get drunk and make a scene at his wedding. This was because he knows exactly what she is like and we have had a lifetime of her getting pissed and making a total exhibition of herself at functions. She’s fallen over, broken other people’s property, fallen down stairs, vomited all over people’s homes, verbally abused people etc.

She went a long with his request because he’d made it clear he was be very angry if she didn’t but she wasn’t happy about it and made sure everyone knew that he’d told her she ‘ couldn’t have a drink until the evening’. This is because he knows she’s unable to pace herself and just have one drink like normal people. Like your DM she also lacks the maturity to reflect on her behaviour and see how it impacts others. She’s ruined so many special events over the years, but will hit the roof if anyone suggests she has a problem.

I don’t know what the solution is really, but I just wanted to say you are not alone.

You ask her if she wants to be a Grandmother.
You then tell her she is a nasty drunk and you REFUSE to have her near you or the baby drunk.
Tell her what happens is up to her, as no one is forcing her to drink.
Stick to your guns and got low contact if you must.