Mum got drunk at my wedding . Don’t want to talk to her .

[Tigersparklespink]

My mum got drunk at my wedding . She was drunk early on in the day and as she tends to became unkind and rude to me . I spent my wedding trying to keep her from other guests . I found this extremely stressful . Eventually I left her . I found out she had split drinks and been talking rubbish and falling about . My OH insisted it is ok and his family didn’t judge and not to worry .

What annoys me is that when my mum has a drink she becomes spiteful . She told me several times
“You are so posh aren’t you ! “ because I asked her to stop shouting and whistling .
“ you are so bossy “ because I asked her to eat as she desperately needed to eat her dinner as she was so drunk .
“ you think you know everything and you don’t “ because I asked her to stop demanding a drink from the waitress and that she would be served in time “
Throughout the day she kept loudly moaning about guests to me . Which was mortifying . The next day no mention was made of her behaviour by anyone . My mum continued as normal so I did too - even though I was very upset .

For some reason my mum will constantly be negative of others. Her only conversation seems to be about others .

I have always found my mum to be selfish and negative . She dominates conversations and she repeats the same stories over and over . These stories generally are negative accounts of others . Even on the phone my mum will dominate all conversation. It is hard as she is kind and she does mean well and I know in the past she has been hurt but I have realised that I no longer enjoy spending time with her or talking to her .

My sister is aware that my mum constantly talks about others , is negative and tells the same stories over and over . However she spends very limited time with her and let’s mums behaviour go over her head .

It’s been a few weeks since the wedding and I don’t want to talk to my mum. I don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her I am disappointed with her . But no one ever pulls her up on her behaviour. I am not saying I am perfect but I am just so frustrated with her . She always seems to be totally oblivious to her behaviour . I realise that maybe I need to tell her . But I don’t think she is emotionally mature enough to accept her behaviour. Or maybe I am just too scared to upset her .

I am giving birth in 4 weeks and I am concerned as I know my mum wants to be a big part and wants to come and visit a lot and be a big part in the babies life but I am so cross with her. Of all the things she has done I have just accepted my mum as being abit difficult but after her performance at my wedding I am just so cross . It was a very small wedding and I can’t understand why she would do this to me . I have spent years feeling frustrated and disappointed by her and I just don’t want her to tarnish the arrival
Of my little girl. Yet i don’t want to be cruel.

I don’t know what to do ? I am just fed up of the negativity She brings . I’m annoyed with myself for not dealing with this over the years!

I name changed for this as it is very outing.
My normally sane but slightly jealous aunt did this at my wedding. She went bonkers even pinching the bottoms of DH's Dad and Uncles as well as our random friends. Tried to join in the first dance. Knocked over drinks.
We returned her cheque with a letter and we have never seen her to this day (the fact there was a cheque tells you how long ago this was!)
People still talk about it to this day and DH's family describe her as 'thar high spirited woman'. I was mortified.

This is so awful yet all I feel is guilt from your post and you shouldn’t be the one feeling guilty!! She acted appallingly and I truly think it’s unforgivable at your wedding given the fact that nothing was said about her behaviour the following day and there was no remorse.
I think I’m all honesty you are in the habit of making allowances for her behaviour and it is point blank not acceptable.
What is acceptable is that you can’t control her behaviour and you need to step away from the toxic relationship so she can see that she cannot behave the way she is.
That.. or accept it and make peace with the situation but keep her at arms length and minimise all contact.
You sound like a lovely person and she has spoilt your wedding and is now almost treading all over another momentous moment in your life. Don’t let her do it you deserve so much more.
Her behaviour is totally unreasonable and you SHOULD NOT have to put up with it to the detriment of your own happiness.

I think you need to tell your mother how inappropriate her behaviour is, and was particularly so at your wedding, and how upset it made you. If she keeps getting away with it she will never learn.

Your mother is not your responsibility op. Whatever past pain she has been through (and who hasn't) there is no excuse for her appalling behaviour.

I imagine you spent a large part of your childhood parenting her, and not the other way around which is why you feel guilty.

You have only one responsibility now and that is to yourself and newborn. Let her know things are going to be very different from now on, and your wedding day was the last straw. You need to get much tougher with her, or you will have decades of more of the same to come.

I really feel that you need to put down rock solid boundaries asap!

If you don’t, you’ll probably be on here this time next year saying how your mum ruined your child’s first birthday.

I would deal with it now. Im trying to establish boundaries with my mother now, im 51.
I wish id stood up to her decades ago.
Good luck xx

The thing is there is no point complaining if you don't ever intend on doing anything about it. Maybe adopt your sister's approach? Otherwise tell her how much she hurt you, that she couldn't take a step back on your wedding and was being rude towards you. If you let this carry on she will undermine your parenting, be more of a hassle than a support to you in the next few months. Be prepared that if you do challenge her she will go on the defensive as noone has had the guts to challenge her before and will more than likely make out you are in the wrong. That is where you need to be strong and not be guilt tripped into apologising but this requires a lot of strength to actually do. If you aren't up to it, leave things be.

You dont want to hurt her feeling but it was ok for her to hurt yours?

You need to be firm with her or keep your distance she wont change

OP she's not going to change, she is who she is. I sense that despite everything you love her because she's your mum, but she isn't going to suddenly turn into a lovely mother and grandmother just because you've had a baby. It doesn't matter that she wants to be involved with the baby, she has to deserve to be and she doesn't.

Please follow your sister's example and reduce contact. You don't owe anything to someone who behaves like she does. I'm getting shivers just thinking about what she'll be like when you have the baby.

I would cut her off completely and tell her why (I know it's not easy, have personal experience). But maybe this will be the rock bottom she needs to address her alcoholism?

I have spent years feeling frustrated and disappointed by her

I can relate to this so, so much.

My mum was also spiteful on my wedding day (although not as bad as your experience), and she also has lots of form for getting drunk and wrecking days that should be enjoyable (e.g. dad's 60th, family meet-ups etc.) Every time I think she has probably improved, there is another rant or another incident...

I have cut contact with her to a low level, for my own sanity. She isn't dreadful all the time, and she obviously has a drinking problem, but I'm under no obligation to put up with poor behaviour. And neither are you obliged to put up with this from your mum.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply to me and offer advice- I really appreciate it . I know that, in regards to my mother , she won’t change . Therefore , Must set boundaries and stick to them .

This will mean talking less on the phone , shortening my visits to her and her to me and being able to say “ I don’t want to talk about that mum” and then ending the conversation .

Someone said they imagine I was always the parent and I feel that is true . I feel that I have always pussyfooted around so not to upset her yet have allowed myself to be hurt .

I am now going to have my own family and my child comes first .This means, I need to be happy and a great mum . So , I no longer have time to be around someone / talking to someone who has such a negative impact on me .

I need to distance myself from her and I need to be strong . I often feel pushed into corners but I have husband and soon a child so it is no longer just about me . Sorry , we can’t come over for x because. But I will see you on y.
Why would I spend time with someone who is making me miserable? It makes no sense !!!! I have no idea why I have put up with it for so
Long.

I have put up with it for years . I have had enough . Other siblings have distanced themselves and now I am . If she asks why I will explain I have a family now .

What an awful way to behave at your wedding. How humiliating for you. I dont think you owe her anything tbh. I think you would be within your rights to go low-contact with her, and you arent obliged to talk to her about this either, considering you suspect that she isnt mature enough to understand, and there must be a reason why noone ever pulls her up on it?
You have plenty already on your plate at the moment, and if you dont feel comfortable talking to her yet because you are still feeling emotional and angry, then dont. You dont need the drama in your life now, just as you didnt need it on the wedding day, and she will only make excuses, and there really are NO excuses

YANBU. At all. Why are her feelings more important than yours? Why should you swallow your anger for fear of upsetting her for her bad behaviour? Honestly she was bang out of order. You have every right to be furious! Will she try to sabotage as the baby arrives? I hope not - don’t let her trash this too. She could nasty and selfish enough to do that I’m afraid

If she asks why, don't say it's because you have a family. The truth is it's because she's a verbally abusive, nasty alcoholic. And that's what you should tell her.

Don't tiptoe around and once again accept the 'blame' for not seeing her by saying it's because YOU have a family. Put the blame squarely where it belongs, on her. And you should tell her she is not welcome in your home, nor will you be around hers or even speak to her, when she has been drinking.

I cut my alcoholic brother off completely. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I told him I would not speak to him, be around him, admit him to my home when he had been drinking. You know what happened? He got sober. It was a Herculean task, but he did it and has been sober for 6 years now. He's happier, healthier, and has a joy in life that had been missing for 40 years.

Sometimes the truth has to be faced and the truth has to be said. This is one of those times. You may want to consider contacting Al Anon, for families of alcoholics.

Have a look at some advice on google with codependency as I think this will help you. It sounds like you’ve accepted abuse for so long you don’t know how to reverse the cogs and put some concrete boundaries in place. I really hope you sort this out it’s no fun for anyone xx

I don't think your mother sees you as a separate entity. She sounds narcissistic and as such cannot see anyone else as being as real and important as her. Lay down boundaries and don't worry if she is hurt or has tantrums. This is Your life, your wedding, your baby girl.

Also look up FOG. Fear, obligation and guilt. This is an abusers means of keeping you mired and enmeshed with them.

I'm so sorry she spoilt your wedding day. I think you need to tell her that her negative attitude is causing a problem and maybe get other family members to back you up if possible. You can use your wedding aa an example of how difficult it is to be around her because of her behaviour. Does she realise how horrendous and embarrassing she is when drunk? Do you have any video of her that you could show her while telling her that her behaviour was unacceptable? If she can't change I wouldn't want her around my child without some very clear boundaries I'm afraid. If she has been drinking you won't let her in your house or stay to visit her. If she starts being negative or unpleasant there will be 1 warning and then she will be asked to leave or you will walk out depending on the situation. If any of these things happen you will not makw contact for at least a week and won't answer her calls. If she persists in the behaviour you will be cutting contact to an hour a month in a public place until she can learn self control. Ultimately you are prepared to cut contact completely to ensure your child doesn't have to be exposed to her embarrassing and unpleasant behaviour. The ball is then in her court.

YANBU to not to want to talk to her she’s behaved appallingly. My mother is an alcoholic /narc and makes everything all about her. I wouldn’t trust her to behave decently at my wedding either

My Mum ruined my hen night with her drunken antics. She was OK on the day but I was so on edge.

I don’t think alcohol is the problem. Lots of people get wasted but they aren’t nasty with it. Maybe a bit embarrassing but not cruel or rude.