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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family Secrets

28 replies

Iamsososoexcited · 27/08/2021 10:55

So, I have been reading a lot of AIBU at the moment to help with issues in my wider family and try and gain some perspective.

It has got me thinking. All families have secrets, alliances etc. If you were to find yourself excluded from a family, treated like a second class member, would you ever choose to unleash a family secret bomb? ie. share the secrets which have been kept for years. The upshot would be whilst you will still be definitely excluded, the others wouldn’t be able to play happy families in your absence?

Is there ever a time when it is acceptable to do this?

OP posts:
AtticusHoysAnus · 27/08/2021 10:56

Be the better person.

Sounds vindictive.

Jumpingintosummer · 27/08/2021 10:57

I wouldn’t, just makes you as spiteful as they are.

Macncheeseballs · 27/08/2021 10:58

'Better person' is a question of perspective

TheSandgroper · 27/08/2021 10:58

This was interesting. I don’t know if you could get it in the UK.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Every_Family_Has_A_Secret

3luckystars · 27/08/2021 10:59

Although I would recommend not doing this at all, if you are going to do it then try to line up the EastEnders drum for when you say it, as it would have a much better impact.
You could use a speaker or get an actual drummer, although that might alert the family member that something was about to happen.

All the best with it.

Original poster
Iamsososoexcited · 27/08/2021 10:59

It’a not about whether I would do it, I never have (though I may have imagined the scenarios in my head!) It is more a philosophical question.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 27/08/2021 11:00

Here you go, hope this helps.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=BDOg-Aqyidc

Original poster
Iamsososoexcited · 27/08/2021 11:01

@3luckystars that made me laugh!

OP posts:
Picklypickles · 27/08/2021 11:03

It sounds tempting at first, but I've been trying very hard to let go of my spiteful tendencies as I get older, acting out of spite has never worked well for me I always come out as the monster.

Better to just turn your back on toxic people/family members and leave them to their own nasty little lives while you get on with being happy in your own.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/08/2021 11:06

There are many times when that is acceptable.

Exclusion being a trigger for previous abuse for one

In my case it was cousins haranguing me for not being in touch with my poor, poor parents. I told them that my relationship with my parents bore no relationship to the relationship they had with theirs and that having been ripped off, lied about, ignored and emotionally abused for decades I was in no mood for some familial emotional blackmail.

My parting shot was "Come back when they tap you up for a large amount of cash..." Apparently that was horrid of me, they are living in absolute penury! And then my cousing got divorced and my (D)F saw her divorce settlement as an opportunity to refill his coffers. Going on past behaviour he would have seen it as his by rights via some convoluted thinking, possibly harking back to when she was a teen or even a toddler!

She forgave him that. And then her mum, his sister, died. His hand went out again. He has her motability car and all of her disability aids, hers were privately bought whereas his are/were NHS and asked for cash as she would have wanted him her kids, his nephew and niece, to see him right!!

They can't distance themselves as he lives a couple of hundred yards away!

They know better now, but it is probably too late! They have yet to aplogise to DSis or myself for their pretty nasty blackmailing calls and letters!

I may be biased, but yes. It definitely can be acceptable!

Katiebee008 · 27/08/2021 11:07

Does ever family really have these deep dark secrets?!

I think the most damage anyone in my family could do is "yeah well dad moans about you", "mum was fed up when you moved back in" or at a push "SIL is a pain in the arse".

All of which are common knowledge anyway! What sorts of secrets do families really have?!

Macncheeseballs · 27/08/2021 11:08

Katiebee, maybe no-ones told you

Original poster
Iamsososoexcited · 27/08/2021 11:08

@CuriousaboutSamphire I am sorry you went through all that, I hope you have some peace? I am about to spend the next 5 days with family…I may revisit this thread…. Wink

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/08/2021 11:11

What sorts of secrets do families really have?! Theft, embezzlement, fraud. Possibly something to do with a long haul scam. Lots of cash based 'fiddles' and ripping off his own daughters by tens of thousands (DSis has possibly lost more than £100K to him and his emotional blackmail).

Soemmetimes when I say my father is a conman and a thief people think I am joking. I am not! And that somehow makes me a horrible daughter! Illogical but sadly how many react.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/08/2021 11:12

[quote Iamsososoexcited]@CuriousaboutSamphire I am sorry you went through all that, I hope you have some peace? I am about to spend the next 5 days with family…I may revisit this thread…. Wink[/quote]
I find posting about it in blunt terms here leaches any residual bitterness Smile

DSis is in a far better place now too. We can actually support each other now he can no lnger divide and conequer!

It really does help to say such things out loud!

5 days? Good luck Grin Gin

Original poster
Iamsososoexcited · 27/08/2021 11:14

I agree posting in AIBU definitely helps! Keep strong @CuriousaboutSamphire. Your family sounds like a nightmare.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/08/2021 11:17

I occasionally reassure myself by remembering that DHs family are as bad, just differently. We keep each other sane, resolutely low contact, non at all in my case, and when one of us slips the other is there as a stopping point Smile

Peanutsandchilli · 27/08/2021 11:28

@Katiebee008

Does ever family really have these deep dark secrets?!

I think the most damage anyone in my family could do is "yeah well dad moans about you", "mum was fed up when you moved back in" or at a push "SIL is a pain in the arse".

All of which are common knowledge anyway! What sorts of secrets do families really have?!

I don't know about every family but we're the most normal family ever, from the outside. I could certainly think of a couple of things that would shock people though.
beastlyslumber · 27/08/2021 11:54

It depends. I definitely know things about my mum that many in my family don't know or have brushed under the carpet. I don't feel any particular need to tell them, but if they were bullying me/harassing me about my lack of contact with my mum, I suppose I might let them know some things.

I think it's justifiable in self-defence. But probably we all should just rise above it as much as possible.

M0rT · 27/08/2021 11:59

I think it's justifiable in self defense, so if your being attacked for reducing contact or someone tries to get into the middle of a row without knowing the full story.
I don't think there are any deep dark secrets in my family though, too many drinking sessions for things to be kept quiet...

Youcunnyfunt · 27/08/2021 12:08

No. Not that I agree with the secret, but it was told to me in confidence. If I told the person who it affects most (who knows nothing), it would just come across as spiteful.
It would only be useful information for medical emergencies. Otherwise, it's harmless.

Sunshinealligator · 27/08/2021 12:14

I think a lot of the time these deep dark secrets relate to abuse that was sustained during childhood.
At which point, I think people have to let certain people know about them, ie in counselling settings.

But honestly, move away, move away, cease to be someone they can reach.

We had plenty of secrets in our family.

I have had to tell counsellors, and I've told DH but no I was too scared to be vindictive. I just removed myself.

HoppingPavlova · 27/08/2021 12:14

Does ever family really have these deep dark secrets

Many would. In the recent past it was not uncommon for kids to be raised as siblings when it was really older sister who had the child. Sister would get sent to visit relatives, mum would lay low for a while and voila, mum has new baby and daughter has returned to meet new sibling.

My family has a few secrets where parents are not biological parents, think mum already pregnant when she got together with husband and he knew the score but child is brought up believing he is biological dad. Dad not dad by birth but arrived in toddlers life and became dad by adoption and child does not know. All more common than you would think but would not happen now so much as people share and document everything ad nauseam in the public domain. Not a simple case of moving house for a fresh start with only family knowing like in the old days.

It has bonuses as everyone gets along as they sit there side eyeing everyone else with no one wanting to piss someone else off as everyone has dirt on everyone else if that makes sense.

MacSmirving · 27/08/2021 12:27

I don't agree with the premise that ALL families have those kind of secrets. I'm sure some do have skeletons in the closet but I think most don't, at least not the kind of secrets that are like letting off a bomb.

DrSbaitso · 27/08/2021 12:34

It depends very much on context.

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