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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Division of household labour

27 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 27/08/2021 10:33

I don't think the way we do things is fair at all and it's been a bone of contention for years.

So I work part time evenings and weekends, 16 hours minimum, maybe more depending how many shifts I have. If it's an evening week might I finish between 11pm and midnight. Job can be stressful at the time but it's not something I have to worry about once I've clocked out. It's minimum wage pub work.

He works full time days in a stressful job which he carries the mental load for. Monday to Friday 8-4ish, earns the majority of household money.

I get 3 childfree days a week in which I do stuff for me plus the housework. By housework I mean:

Cooking (I'm the only one who can cook proper meals from scratch, the kids are fussy so every day is a headache trying to decide what to feed them. I only cook for my husband if I'm already making something he likes because he's a fussy eater and eats freezer food every night, no vegetables.

Dusting
Hoovering upstairs and down
Cleaning the bathrooms
Stripping the beds
Cleaning the cooker
Washing the cat bowls and cleaning the area
Putting all of the washing on and all of the dry stuff away
School runs apart from one PM nursery run
Organise all of the kids appointments, uniforms, clothes, doctor's, dentists.
Weeding in the summer

In the school holidays I have at least one child pretty much every day so I don't have as much time to get jobs done and the house gets a lot messier.

My husband's household jobs
Hoover the downstairs before bed
Look after the kids when I'm at work
Sort out the washing if asked
MOTs
Grass cutting
Bins
DIY when needed
Fixing the cars if they break
Tidies

Now on the whole I accept I will do more housework and carry most of the mental load for the kids but quite often I get frustrated that I never come home to a home cooked meal, clean bathrooms, clean sheets. Particularly during the school holidays when I'm not in as much because I'm taking the kids out.

I've been told by people to just do it myself and never ask because he works more than me but I don't think it's fair that in the 10 years we've lived together he's never once without me nagging cleaned the bathrooms, cooked a proper meal or stripped and remade the beds.

It's wearing me down and today I'm tired after a late finish at work and have seen the bathroom is a state because he didn't think to give it a quick wipe whilst bathing the kids.

I'm just tired.

OP posts:
scarpa · 27/08/2021 11:11

It's hard to tell and I think it's so individual to each relationship - for me, if you're working less than half the hours then I'd expect you to have two thirds of the 'housework', but given that some of his jobs are bins (2 minutes), DIY (occasional), MOTs (annual) etc, that seems like you're still doing way more than two thirds of what needs doing.

When you say 3 childfree days, is that childfree AND off work? And on his weekend days, are they some of the childfree days? If for example you worked, Tues and Weds evenings for approx 8 hours each, but have all day Monday, Thursday and Friday without work or the kids, and then at the weekends the kids are there so he has no childfree time while off work, I think I'd agree you were doing about the right amount.

I think the main issue is that you're having to nag him to do the stuff he does do - that's not okay of him, and it seems like he's got comfortable with you being the house manager and he can fuck around until he's told what to do. He's not being an active partner and that's worth speaking to him about - he works perfectly normal hours, stressful job or not, and plenty of people run their own household and children alone on those hours, so it's not like he can argue he can't possibly cope with doing stuff off his own steam.

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/08/2021 11:16

It is hard to tell. Since he’s working 40 hours per week and you average around 16 hrs/week, I’d expect you to do 24hrs a week of household duties and childcare. This could well include your list of duties because you day you have 3 childfree days? That 8hrs x 3 days= 24 hrs.

But the other measure is how much down time you each have instead how hard each of you is working (both paid and unpaid). Do you get roughly the same amount of leisure time? If not, then he’s not doing enough.

NoNoThankYou · 27/08/2021 11:22

Sorry, that sounds pretty fair to me.

As long as he can accept the house becomes messier in the holidays because your job becomes childcare for the time you'd usually spend just looking after the household running, I don't think there's a problem.

I'm curious to know what weekend look like. I note that you say you also do "things for me" during your the child-free days, so does he also get time to do things for him at some point?

The key is equal leisure time, as someone else said.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/08/2021 11:25

If my DH worked 24 hours less than me I’d expect him to do the bulk of the household jobs as that’s more than enough hours to cover everything in a week.I’d not expect to have to be the main earner then split the house jobs on top after working many more hours.

girlmom21 · 27/08/2021 11:30

Your childfree days are full days where you have complete freedom. His days off are days with the kids at home etc presumably.

He works 8-4 then comes home and looks after the kids. It seems pretty fair to me that you do the bulk of the housework etc.

BillMasen · 27/08/2021 11:31

That seems fair tbh. You work a lot fewer hours so should do more around the house. The jobs you’ve listed feel fair and aligned with the time differential

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 27/08/2021 11:32

So my childfree days are basically take the kids to school/nursery, come back, do some housework and do whatever I need to do. On one of those days I'm always off work because the eldest has swimming so one of us takes him whilst the other looks after the smaller one.

The other 2 days I sometimes have work, sometimes I don't. When I don't have the kids I don't mind doing the jobs because I'm here and they need doing, it's the school holidays and weekends when I'm still doing the jobs and he isn't even just once unless I nag him. If I don't ask he won't do but even when I do ask he forgets so I just do it myself.

I'm grumpy today because I asked him a week or so ago to clean one of the toilets after I scrubbed the shower with a toothbrush because it was really manky, normally I just wipe it out. It still wasn't done the other day so I asked him again. Still not done today and he gave the kids a bath last night but didn't clean up all the toothpaste from the sink.

I finished at midnight last night and I'll be finishing at a similar time tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 27/08/2021 11:35

I think I just need some days where he takes on the responsibility. Not all the time because that wouldn't be fair but one day he cleans unprompted or makes a meal from a recipe book. Not every day or even every week but once a month maybe.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 27/08/2021 11:36

@mightbealittlebitmad

I think I just need some days where he takes on the responsibility. Not all the time because that wouldn't be fair but one day he cleans unprompted or makes a meal from a recipe book. Not every day or even every week but once a month maybe.
If all you need is something once in a blue moon then that's not unreasonable. To come home once a month to a nicely cooked meal would probably benefit you both.

Talk to him about it.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 27/08/2021 11:46

I have so many times but nothing changes. I have asked him to cook a proper meal from scratch like I do for him but it has never happened.

If we have a date night in I do all the cooking, I do all of the roast dinners and the majority of the tidying up too.

Even just taking the kids out for a couple of hours whilst I did the cleaning would be amazing. It's trying to do it when everyone is under my feet.

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 27/08/2021 12:18

Seems fair to me. You do get child free days and he doesn't. You also work less hours.

Jemimia · 27/08/2021 12:28

I’m wondering whether you have totally different standards of cleanliness. When I read your list I thought how much dusting can there be, it sounds like what DH and I do together in an hour or two on a Saturday morning. I wondered if you have high standards for the cleanliness of the house and he thinks sod it, it’ll get done when it gets done?
Also just wondering what his capabilities to cook are if he only eats freezer food? Would he make you a freezer meal, just not a ‘proper home cooked’ meal?

maddening · 27/08/2021 12:30

You should both do the same amount of work, so if he does 35 hours, then you can do 16 hours plus 16 household?

Merryoldgoat · 27/08/2021 12:43

It sounds reasonable to me as well.

NoNoThankYou · 27/08/2021 12:44

I'm afraid I'm not really understanding this either. If you have 3 full child-free days once you've dropped them off, I think you really should be able to get through all the housework and admin on those days, treating it like working a part time job itself (which it is). There shouldn't be any significant housework to speak of at the weekends for either of you to do.

Perhaps you need to have a look into seeing up some systems for yourself to help things run more efficiently and/or work out what actually needs doing rather than raising standards to fill the available time, if you see what I mean.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/08/2021 12:49

I'm sorry op but it seems like you have a far easier life than him on paper.
It doesn't seem like he gets much alone/free time at all (or at least no where near as much as you), so it's very possible he has a gripe too.
I would agree with you re occasionally coming home to a cooked meal - talk to him about that, but he very careful as he could easily say back to you - no problem, but I also want ten hours to myself per week - ok if I play golf 2 days every week?
It's possible that you're using your time to do far more cleaning than is necessary. For me, four bedroom house, reasonably house proud, I spend one morning per week (Monday after drop off), giving my house a weekly clean - vacuuming/dusting etc is a once a week job, takes 3 hours and the rest of the week is just maintenance.

vivainsomnia · 27/08/2021 12:50

When does he get free time for himself? Of all the tasks you've listened, many need doing once a week only. Many can be done in a day, so that would leave you with 2 days of 5 or 6 hours to do what you want. Does he get the equivalent?

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 27/08/2021 12:55

It seems that all meals, making the home nice, and care of the children falls to you - all the "nourishment". While the division of labour is quite different for each family I think what is missing in yours is someone doing a caring act for you.
I think you should lock in one evening a week where DP decides, preps, serves, and cleans up after an evening meal.
Also, consider meal planning - it helps a lot.

NoNoThankYou · 27/08/2021 12:58

Yes, fair point. OP, is it a sense of being appreciated and cared for that's actually missing here?

HalzTangz · 27/08/2021 13:00

You need to get a rota in place and set everyone including the kids jobs(obviously age dependant jobs)

In that rota you should probably allocate more jobs to you than your husband purely on the working hours, but equally put in place stuff for him to do every day.
Question, if he's hoovering downstairs every night before bed, why do you also hoover down stairs (your post says you hoover upstairs and downstairs)

maddening · 27/08/2021 13:19

"NoNoThankYou

Yes, fair point. OP, is it a sense of being appreciated and cared for that's actually missing here?"

Although is the OP praising her dh when he had been working for 40 hours in a stressful job.

General mutual appreciation is great obviously, but if he does 40 hours at work, she does 16 hours work and 16 hours housework how many jobs are left, surely the benefit of on person not working full time is that the housework is done and then you both get good free time?

worrybutterfly · 27/08/2021 13:44

I think the split here is more than fair to you. Especially with 3 child free days a week in term time to get stuff done.

The issue here seems to be the mental load of realising what needs to be done. Plus also you wanting to be looked after occasionally.

Maybe ask if he can do one meal a week or fortnight for you both. It doesn't need to be home cooked, even just a couple of oven pizzas and pre-made deserts that he picks/buys then puts in the oven and clears up afterwards.

Alternatively you could try to get some more hours of paid work in your 3 days child free then use the money to get a cleaner in and treat you and DH to a takeaway once a month so you don't have to cook.

TractorAndHeadphones · 27/08/2021 13:49

Given that the task division is fair it’s U of you to expect that he does your chores. If cleaning the bathroom and stripping the bed are yours why should he do them? It’s the same if he moans that he’s ‘never come home to clean bins’. Why would he when it’s his job? You could perhaps try a task swap.

However if you feel that the division of tasks is unfair then you should raise it with him. If he has more free time than you - he needs to step up.

Finally you also need to be on the same page W.r.t standards and how long it takes you to do things. I’d spend double the amount of time vacuuming compared to DP because I am thorough. He does it acceptably though and when dividing chores it’s based on his time , not mine.

milkyawayday · 27/08/2021 14:12

Are you getting home at midnight and then getting up early again for the kids?

No wonder you're tired and grumpy. I would he too

user1471457751 · 27/08/2021 15:40

Your life sounds easier than his. You have roughly 24 hours each week to spend on chores to make up to a full time equivalent. Perhaps you need to get a lot more efficient.