Division of household labour

[mightbealittlebitmad]

I don't think the way we do things is fair at all and it's been a bone of contention for years.

So I work part time evenings and weekends, 16 hours minimum, maybe more depending how many shifts I have. If it's an evening week might I finish between 11pm and midnight. Job can be stressful at the time but it's not something I have to worry about once I've clocked out. It's minimum wage pub work.

He works full time days in a stressful job which he carries the mental load for. Monday to Friday 8-4ish, earns the majority of household money.

I get 3 childfree days a week in which I do stuff for me plus the housework. By housework I mean:

Cooking (I'm the only one who can cook proper meals from scratch, the kids are fussy so every day is a headache trying to decide what to feed them. I only cook for my husband if I'm already making something he likes because he's a fussy eater and eats freezer food every night, no vegetables.

Dusting
Hoovering upstairs and down
Cleaning the bathrooms
Stripping the beds
Cleaning the cooker
Washing the cat bowls and cleaning the area
Putting all of the washing on and all of the dry stuff away
School runs apart from one PM nursery run
Organise all of the kids appointments, uniforms, clothes, doctor's, dentists.
Weeding in the summer

In the school holidays I have at least one child pretty much every day so I don't have as much time to get jobs done and the house gets a lot messier.

My husband's household jobs
Hoover the downstairs before bed
Look after the kids when I'm at work
Sort out the washing if asked
MOTs
Grass cutting
Bins
DIY when needed
Fixing the cars if they break
Tidies

Now on the whole I accept I will do more housework and carry most of the mental load for the kids but quite often I get frustrated that I never come home to a home cooked meal, clean bathrooms, clean sheets. Particularly during the school holidays when I'm not in as much because I'm taking the kids out.

I've been told by people to just do it myself and never ask because he works more than me but I don't think it's fair that in the 10 years we've lived together he's never once without me nagging cleaned the bathrooms, cooked a proper meal or stripped and remade the beds.

It's wearing me down and today I'm tired after a late finish at work and have seen the bathroom is a state because he didn't think to give it a quick wipe whilst bathing the kids.

I'm just tired.

@milkyawayday

Are you getting home at midnight and then getting up early again for the kids?

No wonder you're tired and grumpy. I would he too

Yes because he has to go to work which is why I'm grumpy today.

I have asked if he will get up a bit earlier if I'm home late just to give me an extra half an hour but he isn't keen on that.

With regards to the free time I do get more than him because of the day times but I don't have an issue with him going out if he wants to. I don't have anything to do on the evenings I won't work so if he wanted to do something I'm around for the kids. .

He will cook freezer food for me if I want but sometimes I just want a bit more. I like cooking so I do it regularly by choice but sometimes it would be amazing if he got one of my recipe books and made something.

Housework doesn't take long, I've blitzed everywhere this morning so that when he gets back he just has to put some washing in the dryer and run the hoover round before bed.

I try hoover upstairs weekly, downstairs is a couple of minutes job a couple of times a day because the floors get crumby.

I do have higher standards, he thinks nothing of leaving wee all over the toilet or leaving the sheets on the beds for the best part of a year and I wish I was joking. He only recently admitted that he never washed his bedding at Uni.

I'm not a clean freak, I like a tidy and clean house like anyone but I can turn a blind eye to some dirt and mess.

He gets one weekend day to himself which isn't a lot I know but I work one weekend day. My hours aren't amazing but it was something we agreed on when I went back after maternity #1 because doing a day job would put us in debt or only just break even and we need that bit extra from me. My youngest starts school next year so then we can reassess my working arrangements and I won't have the days like I do now so things will be a lot more even in the work Vs free time split but I will expect him to do more if I'm working more, pick up regular jobs instead of me wanting something done infrequently.

When the kids weren't in school or nursery I didn't get any free days, it's only since last September that I started getting one day then three since January.

I've calmed down since this morning, the house is clean and tidy so I'm in a better mood.

So he does cook for you, just not from scratch, presumably because he doesn't enjoy it. And you blitz the housework in a morning so have 2 and a half days free per week while he only has one but you still expect him to do some of the washing and Hoover every day?

I'm sorry, and I mean this kindly because we all get into a funk sometimes, but I think you need to give your head a wobble. Since January he has definitely had the worse deal.

I think it's ok that he doesn't have two weekends days free because otherwise when would he see his children, but I do think you should be using some of your additional day and a half to take some of the burden off him, actually.