Attracting bullies?

[ThisIsWeirdRight]

A friend recently told me that I was the type to attract bullies. When I asked what she meant she said that I was too easy to tease and that it made me a target.

She wouldn’t say more than that and now I’m feeling anxious that I will always be a target for bullies. I was bullied at school, although not at university. But I’ve been in several abusive relationships and maybe that’s why.

The fact that you’re now anxious rather than telling her to fuck off might prove her point.

Does your friend have history of being a bully? What she said is the kind of thing a bully would say.

I don’t actually know her very well, met her at an outdoors activity thing and have had a few coffees so maybe calling her a friend is a bit of a stretch.

The comment came from a conversation we were having about confrontation and why some people are better at it than others.

Quite some victim-blaming going on there. Does this 'friend' think that people who get bullied have only themselves to blame?

I dont think there is a type to attract bullies as an adult. I do think that some people dont have strong boundaries and are not very good at spotting red flags hence people that have been in abusive relationships are more likely to in the future as well and often need some kind of therapy to break the pattern. I'm not sure if abusive people 'seek them out' as such or are always just trying their shitty behaviour on with everyone and some people tolerate it where most will not

Hmm I’m not saying it’s ok to bully but I get her point, my kids tease each other
Constantly and they continue to do it because how the other ones react, I tell them to ignore and suddenly the other one will stop teasing them as they get bored not getting a reaction so maybe that’s what she meant?

She sounds like a bully, how did you react?
unfortunately I do think this is a thing, stemming from a lack of assertiveness, being too nice, ‘soft’. The best thing to do with a bully is retaliate in the same manner.

Well she wasn't saying that to make you feel good about yourself, was she? Be careful with that one, keep your boundaries strong.

@bamboocat

Quite some victim-blaming going on there. Does this 'friend' think that people who get bullied have only themselves to blame?

It's not blaming the victim, it's simply pointing out the way the world sadly works. Bad people can sense weakness and they take advantage.

Ah yes, you get bullied because you don't like confrontation and are not brilliant at standing up for yourself, all your own fault that is, you're practically asking for it. Talk about victim blaming. Yes those abusive people probably pick up on the fact that you're quite sensitive and not good at standing up for yourself, does that mean it's ok/understand/acceptable for them to bully you? NO! and why should you retaliate in the same manner and lower yourself to their standards.

You just need to raise your expectations in how people treat you, don't allow them to treat you badly, know what you will and won't tolerate and don't let them break those boundaries. Talking to them about your boundaries doesn't have to be confrontational either, find someone that you can communicate openly and honestly with and take your time getting to know them. If they make it confrontational then just walk away.

Saying she 'attracts' bullies and that it makes her a 'target' is victim blaming in my book. It's like saying that someone going out at night in a short skirt is 'attracting' rapists and likely to make her a 'target'. Blaming the way someone dresses or their manner on why they are abused or attacked is victim blaming.

There's lots of quite good information on historical mumsnet threads about how being from an abusive childhood home can make you a target to bullies due to trauma and people pleasing coping mechanisms.

This person sounds like an arse hole.
Good luck on your journey, once you start reading around this things fall into place and you work out how to establish and maintain your boundaries over and over again

She sounds like a bit of an arse. I’d be giving her a wide berth

Anyone who says something like that after a few coffee meet-ups is a bit of a dick IMO. I'd swerve people who make you doubt yourself.

No, the blame is completely with the bully/abuser. No one has said otherwise.

The world is full of people, especially men, who sense when someone is an easy target. There's a reason the abused woman often finds herself in an abusive relationship again; because the abusive man goes looking for a woman who's already been broken down by another man before him. This does not mean it's her fault but it's is the reality that we live in.

I also don’t think it’s necessarily a question of attracting bullies but more about whether you have the confidence to walk away and cut ties with people who start to show red flags.
I think this is a really good example of someone you are only just getting to know showing potential to be not that pleasant to you. If you can be confident in yourself to distance yourself a bit she won’t get the opportunity

Thank you for the replies. I actually hadn’t thought that she might herself be a bully! But it totally makes sense and also why others in the group seem to avoid her

@ThisIsWeirdRight

Thank you for the replies. I actually hadn’t thought that she might herself be a bully! But it totally makes sense and also why others in the group seem to avoid her

Interesting you sound like a nice person who probably gives everyone the benefit of the doubt. But if others avoid her there’s probably a reason!

I don't think she is out of order.

Rather than completely dismissing what she has said.

There are certain behaviours which would make someone more of a target for bullying and if you are able to identify and alter them it may help you in the longer term.

Obviously the blame is entirely with the bully, but if there are things that might help and you are keen to see if they do help it can only be a positive.

Unfortunately my 7 year old displays some of those behaviours. She always seems to be picked upon for some reason and her younger 3 year old sister completely overpowers her physically. She was picked upon in a swimming class. And when she has done some extracurricular activities too. She seems to find herself in these situations.

We are working on the 3 year old- telling her not to snatch and not to hit. Which is currently falling on deaf ears, but the 7 year old doesnt make it easy- shrieking, over reacting to every touch. And when asked by the 3 year old to leave her alone- poking and annoying the 3 year old.

I'm hoping to get the 7 year old into martial arts classes which should help with some of her confidence.

@Marcee

I don't think she is out of order.

Rather than completely dismissing what she has said.

There are certain behaviours which would make someone more of a target for bullying and if you are able to identify and alter them it may help you in the longer term.

Obviously the blame is entirely with the bully, but if there are things that might help and you are keen to see if they do help it can only be a positive.

Unfortunately my 7 year old displays some of those behaviours. She always seems to be picked upon for some reason and her younger 3 year old sister completely overpowers her physically. She was picked upon in a swimming class. And when she has done some extracurricular activities too. She seems to find herself in these situations.

We are working on the 3 year old- telling her not to snatch and not to hit. Which is currently falling on deaf ears, but the 7 year old doesnt make it easy- shrieking, over reacting to every touch. And when asked by the 3 year old to leave her alone- poking and annoying the 3 year old.

I'm hoping to get the 7 year old into martial arts classes which should help with some of her confidence.

You know the OP’s not 7 right?

@ThisIsWeirdRight

Thank you for the replies. I actually hadn’t thought that she might herself be a bully! But it totally makes sense and also why others in the group seem to avoid her

She sounds horrible, what a spiteful thing to say. Take a zero tolerance approach to this sort of dickheadery and stay clear of the nasty wagon.

Identifying the behaviours in my 7 year old will help.

I'm not saying the op is at fault in any way. The bullying is the fault of the bully 100%.

But if she is receptive to the idea and interested in seeing if there is anything she can identify and wants to change in order to reduce the chances of being a victim in the future that is up to her.

No-one has the right to bully anyone, but it is true to say that bullies always select what they perceive as an easy target.

There are a number of things a bully will look for in a potential victim. It’s not always that the victim is too nice or lacks boundaries. There’s other contributing factors such as does the potential victim have a support network of people who would actually stand by them? That’s why they will target the new person at school or workplace or neighborhood. Bullies are cowards and the moment they are outnumbered they will back right off. This is why they isolate their victims by spreading malicious, lies and rumours. (Look up relational aggression).

So, start by not wasting your time with anyone who isn’t trustworthy or supportive or who puts you down or manipulates or gaslights you.

Learn to recognise red flags.

Learn about healthy boundaries and self respect.

Surround yourself with people who are kind, build you up, are respectful, who will stand by you, have integrity. Have a supportive network of people where you all support each other.

And while this ‘friend’ raised a valid point, the way she did it was not in a caring or helpful way. It comes across as undermining your self confidence and self esteem, judgmental and victim blaming That is a red flag.

She sounds like a bully.

Who even thinks like that?!

JesusIsAnyNameFree

It's not blaming the victim, it's simply pointing out the way the world sadly works. Bad people can sense weakness and they take advantage.

Of course its blaming the victim.
This is why bullies get away with it for so long. People make excuses for them.