Attracting bullies?

[ThisIsWeirdRight]

A friend recently told me that I was the type to attract bullies. When I asked what she meant she said that I was too easy to tease and that it made me a target.

She wouldn’t say more than that and now I’m feeling anxious that I will always be a target for bullies. I was bullied at school, although not at university. But I’ve been in several abusive relationships and maybe that’s why.

Telling her to fxxk off might be empowering and prove her wrong!

She sounds awful.

That was a horrible unnecessary comment she is odd.
I'd tell her she is mistaken kindness for weakness.

Bullies usually go for the easiest target. Not necessarily the weakest person but the one they feel will be the person people are least likely to defend. (Such as when the "weakest" person in a group having a particular illness might mean others will be more likely to defend them when attacked, therefore they're not the easiest target.)

I've been bullied at school, at home by my brother, and occasionally at work. It's always happened when I am at my lowest - they can sense that I'm down, therefore I'm an easy target because I am more likely to submit to their abuse than fight back.

I think when I am feeling OK I am either able to defend myself or just ignore their behaviour. It's when I'm in a situation I can't escape from that I take it to heart... I'm expecting to get bullied and they duly oblige.

I guess in your case OP where you talk about abusive relationships, perhaps they are getting you at a weak point. If you were feeling strong and confident you'd recognise what they were doing was outrageous and end things immediately, no matter what apology or manipulation they tried. It's when you start to think you "deserve" to be treated like shit that the downward spiral really begins.

@FrippEnos

JesusIsAnyNameFree

It's not blaming the victim, it's simply pointing out the way the world sadly works. Bad people can sense weakness and they take advantage.

Of course its blaming the victim.
This is why bullies get away with it for so long. People make excuses for them.

No one is making excuses for them.

What a normal person does when they see that someone isn't very assertive and lacks confidence, is be kind to them and make sure to never put them in a position where they would need to be assertive.
When the bully realises that the person have these traits, they pounce.

It's the truth. It's not excusing the behaviour.
It's upsetting and what we all need to do when we see these things happen is speak up.
So many don't, not because they think it's okay and it's the victims fault, but because they don't want to be next.

JesusIsAnyNameFree

It depends on whether you are saying that a bully will always find someone to bully.

Or you are saying that they are bullying because the person they are bullying is X, Y or Z.

The bully should always be held accountable for their actions otherwise it is a very steep and slippery slope.

It's upsetting and what we all need to do when we see these things happen is speak up.
So many don't, not because they think it's okay and it's the victims fault, but because they don't want to be next.

I do agree with this entirely, but then we have the additional problem is how bullies are dealt with by those in charge.

And it also doesn't help how schools have to deal with bullying.

I just read an article that actually contradicts some of what I wrote in my pp. After reading it I actually recognise the truth of this article that bullies will target people who they feel threatened by. They will target strong and confident people.

I will copy and paste some of the article.

toughnickel.com/business/How-Do-Bullies-Pick-Their-Victims-10-Ways-You-Become-an-Easy-Target

Bullies Target Those Who Threaten Them
Research contradicts the stereotype of the bullying victim at work as someone who's weak, timid, and spineless. In fact, they tend to be quite the opposite: highly skilled, ethical, honest, and well-liked. Seven other common characteristics that often define them include the following:

1. They're independent.
2. They have integrity.
3. They're nice.
4. They're introverts.
5. They're younger or older.
6. They're physically different.
7. They're good people.

An explanation on why these characteristics attract the attention of workplace bullies is found below.

Could You Be the Target of a Workplace Bully?

•   Do you believe bullying at work happens to the weakest and most vulnerable?
  

•   Do you think it happens to those who are unpopular and socially isolated from co-workers?
  

•   Do you think it won't happen to you because you're strong, independent-minded, and well-respected?
  

If nodding in agreement, you've bought into the same false notions that many of us have about workplace bullies and those they target. Research shows that our image of the weak and mousy bullying victim is highly inaccurate. In fact, most are strong, independent, highly ethical, and well-liked by their co-workers.

So, pp who said that the bully is completely to blame are right.

So, I wonder why there are so many people who feel so easily threatened that they bully smart, strong, capable people who have integrity and are basically good people?

Maybe we should be asking what makes a person an easy candidate for becoming a bully? And figure out how to prevent people from developing bullying traits in childhood and beyond.

I am reading a good book at the moment called:

How to Do the Work: Recognise Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past and Create Your Self
by Nicole LePera, Courtney Patterson, et al.

She puts forward that we tend to create romantic relationships with people in order to recreate familiar patterns from our childhood.

@JesusIsAnyNameFree

Having thought about what you have posted, I think that we are actually agreeing with each other, just coming at this from a different direction.