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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit hurt

49 replies

nyprincess · 26/08/2021 12:54

Maybe hurt is too strong a word but I am feeling annoyed, angry even disappointed and yeah a bit hurt...
So my DSis got engaged not that long ago, I found out about it when scrolling through FB. I will admit I did feel a little annoyed that she hadn't told close family first, but not the end of the world. Fast forward to last night when I saw again on FB, one of her best friends showing off her lovely card asking her to be her maid of honour, then another friend of hers also posting she's been asked. Along with finding out who her bridesmaid where, the date and place of wedding was also on these, so that is how I found the details out.
Now I am not fussed about being a bridesmaid, but I did think she would at least told me her plans before it's splashed all over FB. We are close, though not as much as she is to her friend I suppose. Apparently, all invitations have been posted out and I just haven't received mine yet. I just know if it was me, I would have told my sisters what I had planned before everyone else and made sure I had told them about not choosing them as bridesmaids etc before letting it be all over FB.
So should I get over myself, or is it ok to feel a bit of the above?

OP posts:
Balonzette · 26/08/2021 12:57

I think you should get over it. Honestly, to a lot of people (me included) I am closer to some friends than siblings, and you said yourself that the same is the case for your sister. So you're just annoyed out of principle. Which I always think is a bit of a silly reason to get all worked up.

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 13:04

Thanks
Although she is closer to her friends, we are close, and would have thought she'd give me a head up. I'm not annoyed for the sake of it, but I can't help feeling a bit sad.

OP posts:
Chikapu · 26/08/2021 13:04

You feel how you feel but I think you might not be as close as you think you are. Her actions scream that you aren't.

MrsPumpkinSeed · 26/08/2021 13:07

I think that's very hurtful but I wouldnt show it. Just leave her be. She's telling you in her own way you are not a priority.
It's wrong of her not to let you know the details or the venue and send out invites to friends before telling family.

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 13:08

@Chikapu

You feel how you feel but I think you might not be as close as you think you are. Her actions scream that you aren't.
Yeah I guess we aren't. She messaged me about the invites being late etc. Then told me she had exclusive use of the hotel, but there were on 4 left, so 7 booked already, like we are an after thought. Oh well, I'll get over myself soon
OP posts:
grasstreeleaf · 26/08/2021 13:11

Sounds pretty annoying. However the only way to regain closeness is through enthusiasm over her plans rather than criticism, I think. Tbh a lot of things on Facebook come across as OTT. She asked her friend to be a bridesmaid and sent her a card basically. Remember you weren't fussed about being a bridesmaid anyway. Enjoy the occasion regardless - it's usually a good party.WinkGrin

banisher · 26/08/2021 13:13

Of course you can feel hurt and sad - you thought you were close and she clearly doesn't. That's not the kind of thing you can just shrug off or stop feeling upset about on cue. Equally you can't do much about it of course.

Could you perhaps arrange a family celebration together and see each other in person? Smile

PieceOfString · 26/08/2021 13:13

I would say it entirely depends on what your relationship is usually like. Some siblings are very distant and cold, some are not cold but the relationship is essentially one of family duty as it were, others are more like friends and have regular get together etc.
If you thought you were close, you are either right in which case she has been really thoughtless and behaved like her upcoming wedding is nothing to do with you, which is downright hurtful. Or, you aren't close, as far as she is concerned, in which case she has possibly been allowing you to think this cos it suits her (do her many factors do you?).
Personally, I'm not choose to my sister but I'd still let her know in person and not third hand from random social media posts cos I'm not a dickhead about showing people respect.

PieceOfString · 26/08/2021 13:14

Factors = favours

M0rT · 26/08/2021 13:15

I understand where your coming from. My sibling is getting married this year checked dates with family and close friends before booking and ensured we had accomodation booked that suited us before opening it up to others. I have no role in the wedding and didn't expect one, but finding out the date and venue on Facebook would have been weird.

CrisisManagement · 26/08/2021 13:16

I would be hurt too OP. A phonecall doesn't take long.

pecanmix · 26/08/2021 13:17

I'd be hurt as well

Konyeshno · 26/08/2021 13:22

My sister did similar, in fact much worse. She was my only bridesmaid, we were that close. Come her wedding, she gave everyone else in the family a role even if it was a reading, except me. I've never been so hurt in my life. No man could hurt you that way. Maybe that's unreasonable, but I totally understand where you're coming from OPThanks

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 13:22

@M0rT

I understand where your coming from. My sibling is getting married this year checked dates with family and close friends before booking and ensured we had accomodation booked that suited us before opening it up to others. I have no role in the wedding and didn't expect one, but finding out the date and venue on Facebook would have been weird.
This & what pieceofstringsaid. We meet up regularly with the kids & sometimes with out. We went on an overnight stay etc together. So yeah I would have expected to be told about the rooms before friends & not just giving a chance to get one of the rooms after all the other important friends etc.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/08/2021 13:22

When was the last time you saw or spoke to her?

I'd suggest you're probably not as close as you think you are.

MouseInCatsClaws · 26/08/2021 13:23

I'd be very hurt by this. I don't think I would say anything but it's not something I would easily forget.
What do you think about telling her, Op? Just letting her know your feelings without attacking? Does that feel like a possibility for you?

ImitationofBeing · 26/08/2021 13:25

I'd feel hurt too.
This all depends on your relationship with your sister, you thought you were close, she's indicating its not the relationship you thought it was.

QueenBee52 · 26/08/2021 13:38

@nyprincess

Maybe hurt is too strong a word but I am feeling annoyed, angry even disappointed and yeah a bit hurt... So my DSis got engaged not that long ago, I found out about it when scrolling through FB. I will admit I did feel a little annoyed that she hadn't told close family first, but not the end of the world. Fast forward to last night when I saw again on FB, one of her best friends showing off her lovely card asking her to be her maid of honour, then another friend of hers also posting she's been asked. Along with finding out who her bridesmaid where, the date and place of wedding was also on these, so that is how I found the details out. Now I am not fussed about being a bridesmaid, but I did think she would at least told me her plans before it's splashed all over FB. We are close, though not as much as she is to her friend I suppose. Apparently, all invitations have been posted out and I just haven't received mine yet. I just know if it was me, I would have told my sisters what I had planned before everyone else and made sure I had told them about not choosing them as bridesmaids etc before letting it be all over FB. So should I get over myself, or is it ok to feel a bit of the above?

No wonder you're hurt... what a strange thing to do... its just a natural thing to share with family and friends right ...

So odd ... I totally get why you are hurt and being the last to know 🌸

WeeWelshWoman · 26/08/2021 13:43

I'd be hurt too OP.

FooFighter99 · 26/08/2021 13:43

I'd be very hurt by this OP

I had something similar happen when my cousin (who I thought I was very close to, grew up together, went on holidays together etc) announced on FB that her dad, my uncle, had "beaten cancer" - but she hadn't bothered to tell us he'd had cancer in the first place

She claimed it all happened very quickly (diagnosis to treatment) but I'm not having it that she couldn't take mins out of her day to let me know

I'll never forgive her for it

phishy · 26/08/2021 13:48

YANBU, that's hurtful. But you know what, she's treated you like a guest not a sibling, so you treat the invitation as if from a guest too.

Let her get on with it and you turn up on the day and have a good time. I wouldn't be going out of my way to offer help.

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 13:54

@girlmom21

When was the last time you saw or spoke to her?

I'd suggest you're probably not as close as you think you are.

A couple of days ago on messenger. I have even asked if she had made plans etc, apparently nothing. I get she might have wanted it all to be a surprise, but just say that surely?? I just feel like I'm way down on her list of who find things out, especially the hotel rooms etc. I'm trying to not to be negative but I can't help feeling hurt. Not about not being a BM but just the way she's done it, it's not something I would do but thats my issue I suppose.
OP posts:
xILikeJamx · 26/08/2021 13:55

It's her wedding, she can do what she wants. Be happy for her

SparklingLime · 26/08/2021 13:55

It may not be that she doesn’t feel as close to you as you thought, but rather that, as family, she takes you a bit for granted. Plus a bit of wedding-induced self-absorption.

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 13:57

@xILikeJamx

It's her wedding, she can do what she wants. Be happy for her
I am happy for her, never thought they would get married. I have no intention of telling her how she has her wedding. I can still be a bit hurt by the way she's went about it though?
OP posts:
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