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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit hurt

49 replies

nyprincess · 26/08/2021 12:54

Maybe hurt is too strong a word but I am feeling annoyed, angry even disappointed and yeah a bit hurt...
So my DSis got engaged not that long ago, I found out about it when scrolling through FB. I will admit I did feel a little annoyed that she hadn't told close family first, but not the end of the world. Fast forward to last night when I saw again on FB, one of her best friends showing off her lovely card asking her to be her maid of honour, then another friend of hers also posting she's been asked. Along with finding out who her bridesmaid where, the date and place of wedding was also on these, so that is how I found the details out.
Now I am not fussed about being a bridesmaid, but I did think she would at least told me her plans before it's splashed all over FB. We are close, though not as much as she is to her friend I suppose. Apparently, all invitations have been posted out and I just haven't received mine yet. I just know if it was me, I would have told my sisters what I had planned before everyone else and made sure I had told them about not choosing them as bridesmaids etc before letting it be all over FB.
So should I get over myself, or is it ok to feel a bit of the above?

OP posts:
xILikeJamx · 26/08/2021 13:57

@FooFighter99

I'd be very hurt by this OP

I had something similar happen when my cousin (who I thought I was very close to, grew up together, went on holidays together etc) announced on FB that her dad, my uncle, had "beaten cancer" - but she hadn't bothered to tell us he'd had cancer in the first place

She claimed it all happened very quickly (diagnosis to treatment) but I'm not having it that she couldn't take mins out of her day to let me know

I'll never forgive her for it

This is a weird stance to take with someone who you're apparently close to. Her dad had cancer, you were not a priority.

Life's too short - be happy for them and get over it

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/08/2021 13:59

I think most people would be hurt by this. If you regularly see each other and spend time together out of choice (rather than a 'see you next Christmas' type of relationship) then yes I think it's a snub. It's more common for people to have siblings as bridesmaids and best men than not, and if I knew sisters that had a fairly close relationship I'd be wondering if they had fallen out or something if they weren't given any role in the wedding. It's a snub and it's a fairly public one. Maybe she sees it more as a party than a family event or something?

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 14:00

I'm trying hard not to speak to her about it as I don't want to take the shine off her plans etc. It's my issue to deal with and after a day of feeling a bit sorry for myself (other things going on) I'll just carry on as normal.
I

OP posts:
xILikeJamx · 26/08/2021 14:00

@nyprincess

It's not worth the time and effort spent being annoyed about - it will only lead to more annoyance / pain.

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 14:02

We had even made plans to go see Black Widow when it came out, then she texted me saying she went with her partner to see it as they were board. That was annoying as well, so maybe I'm just too sensitive.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/08/2021 14:02

Have you spoken to your parents about it?

At least, looking on the bright side, you wont have to be up making favours every night in the lead up to the wedding or faff about organising a hen do

sillysmiles · 26/08/2021 14:02

A couple of days ago on messenger.

But actually spoke to her? Not txt?

SukonthaM · 26/08/2021 14:05

Has she told anyone else is your family?

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 14:05

I really don't want or expected to be. BM, I just think not mentioning it then finding out all the details through her friends post is a bit off.

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 26/08/2021 14:06

@xILikeJamx

It's her wedding, she can do what she wants. Be happy for her
Bullshit. When it’s your wedding you can get married where you want, wear what you want, have doves fly out of your arse if that’s what you want. But a wedding doesn’t give you permission to lose your manners and common decency. If sisters are close enough to be in touch and spend days/overnights together, then they are close enough not to find out wedding details like that on social media.
OnGoldenPond · 26/08/2021 14:06

I was bridesmaid for my DSIS you really aren't missing anything! Treated me and her poor friend who was the other bridesmaid as her personal slaves for the day!

But then we have never been close and I only agreed to do it for my DM.

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 14:07

That would have been a few weeks ago. None of our family actually call one another, it's all through FB& WhatsApp, but we generally meet up once a month & message more frequently.

OP posts:
Hodan85 · 26/08/2021 14:07

YANBU. If you feel you're close and typically can talk openly and calmly, I'd speak to her about it. Weddings are a melting pot of potential hurt feelings and excitement leading people's thinking, so she may have innocently overlooked the upset she's caused. Absolutely be supportive, but no harm mentioning, putting it to bed and moving on happily :)

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 14:09

Again it's not about being a BM, I would hate to do it & would have told her why, not nice enough for pics etc. I found out the date & place through her friend posting how happy she was & showing the details.

OP posts:
grasstreeleaf · 26/08/2021 14:12

I can still be a bit hurt by the way she's went about it though?

Of course you can. However, I wouldn't recommend holding onto it or dwelling on it for your sake. She behaved less than ideally, she is in the wrong. However don't let your seeking validation for how you feel prolong the hurt feelings. You can decide to be resilient, get over it forget about it and move on. Don't let it hurt / damage you. Enjoy the wedding for the party.

And sing this to yourself.Wink

AlternativePerspective · 26/08/2021 14:18

Announcing something like that on facebook is a twattish thing to do.

I know someone whose dh announced her pregnancy on FB and they blocked family members on there so they could create the illusion that they were the first to know when they told them in person about 3 weeks later.

And worse still, when she died he announced it on FB within half an hour and before many of her family, who knew it was imminent, had been told.

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 14:22

@grasstreeleaf

I can still be a bit hurt by the way she's went about it though?

Of course you can. However, I wouldn't recommend holding onto it or dwelling on it for your sake. She behaved less than ideally, she is in the wrong. However don't let your seeking validation for how you feel prolong the hurt feelings. You can decide to be resilient, get over it forget about it and move on. Don't let it hurt / damage you. Enjoy the wedding for the party.

And sing this to yourself.Wink

Thanks.x
OP posts:
FooFighter99 · 26/08/2021 14:31

@AlternativePerspective

Announcing something like that on facebook is a twattish thing to do.

I know someone whose dh announced her pregnancy on FB and they blocked family members on there so they could create the illusion that they were the first to know when they told them in person about 3 weeks later.

And worse still, when she died he announced it on FB within half an hour and before many of her family, who knew it was imminent, had been told.

That's terrible @AlternativePerspective

He must get some sort of kick out of it, and loves the attention

I honestly can't understand why my cousin thought announcing my uncles miraculous recovery from cancer on FB was in any way appropriate given there were family members who didn't even know he'd been poorly. Regardless of how quickly it happened - it's simply unforgivable

@xILikeJamx my cousin was clearly more interested in garnering sympathy from the FaceBook Masses than she was about telling our family what had happened.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2021 15:38

I suspect she didn’t mean it to hurt and was just caught up and didn’t think. Do you have other friends or do you rely on her?

Original poster
nyprincess · 26/08/2021 20:31

@Bluntness100

I suspect she didn’t mean it to hurt and was just caught up and didn’t think. Do you have other friends or do you rely on her?
Nope don't rely on her at all. The only person I rely on is my DH. Anyway I've put it to the back of my mind, what's done is done & I can't waste any more time worrying about it. It's her day etc
OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 27/08/2021 15:47

@nyprincess

I'm so sorry you're being treated this way by your sister.. I think you are doing the right thing by shelving it and getting non with your own family unit..

I hope you are able to enjoy the big day when it comes around... Flowers

Confused102 · 27/08/2021 16:12

Yanbu, I wouldn't say you are close at all though. Sounds like she thinks of and treats you as an acquaintance? A sibling wouldn't really do this, unless they is something the issue.

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2021 16:49

Sorry rely on her for friendship I meant op, so basically do you have other friends?

Saz12 · 28/08/2021 01:37

Honestly it sounds like she’s caught up in her own stuff and has been oblivious to you. She knows her family is there for her, and has taken you for granted as a result.

It’s not a preferance, it’s about justvassumibg you’re there for her regardless.

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