It’s all about your attitude….

[DrJohnZoidberg]

Having a rough time at the moment. Was talking to an friend about it and this is what she said to me. She believes of you think you’re having a difficult time/your stressed/you’re unlucky then it happens that way, and that if I changed my mindset my situation would change.

Do you think this is true? Does this work for you? How do you not get stressed which things are stressful?! AIBU to think this sort of makes someone feel like they’re creating problems and that makes it worse?

I believe positivity breeds positivity. We can't prevent some of the crap happening in our lives but we can learn from it.
I have anxiety in high levels sometimes but I make myself see the bigger picture.
Not always easy.
But it's true that happy positive people are more attractive in every way.
Fake it till you make it!

I agree with your friend somewhat - for instance I know when I'm feeling stressed at work that some is beyond my control, but that some is how I chose to use support mechanisms as well. MBA

No if course not. If it were true all positive relaxed people would be living charmed lives, yet bad things happen to them all the time. I think a certain personality type perhaps copes a little better with the challenges particularly those who see misfortune as temporary and remain hopeful for the future, or who can use challenge as a motivator, but I think its massively over simplistic to believe life is solely what you make it.

Whilst I totally understand that situations are stressful but, you can ‘choose’ to handle things differently so that you don’t get stressed out, that isn’t something I’m able to do.
Being positive won’t have made the crap things not happen but it will make them not feel so bad -easier said than done-I’ve yet to learn how to put that into practice.
Watching for tips!
I hope things improve for you soon OP

I also think the idea is used as a way for people to reframe their good luck as personal achievement sometimes, and make them feel superior to less fortunate people.

I think having a positive attitude can help you cope better with some situations, but it’s not a fix all and context is key. For example if you’re grieving a loved one or your marriage is breaking down - mindset isn’t really going to improve those things.

You can’t control everything that happens to and around you- you can only control how you react to it. Lots of situations are obviously stressful- but that doesn’t mean you have to be stressed about them. Worrying and stressing doesn’t affect the outcome of any situation in a positive way. But they can make you feel so bad/scared/conflicted that you make poorer decisions.

If you can acknowledge the situation is bad, accept that stressing won’t help it get better, allow yourself some time to be upset and then put those feelings away and choose a positive attitude to help you get through it. The positive attitude may not actually affect the outcome either, (it very well may) but at the very least you’ve spent that time feeling better than you would have done. And that has worth.

I do agree that you can't control what may happen to you, but you can control how you react to things. However, this comes with the caveat that it isn't applicable to anyone with MH struggles or generally having a tough time. I think it can come across as dismissive to say someone really struggling. Of course in the day to day, for example if someone cuts you off on the road or is grumpy to you you can choose to meet those situations with grace and a laugh. I don't think it's fair to say to people going through a rough time- it's not as if you are at fault for this?

Cross posted the same thing!

I also think the idea is used as a way for people to reframe their good luck as personal achievement sometimes, and make them feel superior to less fortunate people.

This. I’m a (-n annoyingly) positive person, so I could see the bright side of a plague and it does make me very resilient, likely to focus on the positive, focus on changes I can make etc, but comments like the below - just no. If I was currently stranded in Kabul all the mindset shifts in the world wouldn’t change my reality.

She believes of you think you’re having a difficult time/your stressed/you’re unlucky then it happens that way, and that if I changed my mindset my situation would change.

I think it's true to an extent.

I think you feel better if you try and put a positive spin on things.
I think you feel better if you accept what you can't change and concentrate on what you can.
I think if you give yourself a goal and something to work towards it can motivate you.

But it really depends what the problem is.

I've had terrible depression and I was told if I look at the positives instead of the negatives I'd feel better....but depression doesn't work like that. You can appreciate fully what you have but still be depressed.

I find it easier to compartmentalise things and I try and take life in my stride.

I'm generally content as long as the rents paid and the kids are safe, healthy, fed, warm and happy. I like a quiet, humble existence and avoid drama at all costs

You can't control some things, and it's perfectly reasonable to be angry or upset.
I refuse to be "positive" all the time. Why should I be?

I refuse to be "positive" all the time. Why should I be?

you say that as if someone has ordered you to be!

Your friend is right, I've always been a bit rose tinted glasses and put silver linings on everything. It makes life much easier to deal with.

I still do get stressed, anxious, angry etc sometimes though, it's healthy.. but I talk myself around quick.

It’s bullshit law of attraction nonsense. Has all of the depth of a puddle.

However, it’s true that if you can change your thoughts about a situation you can influence your emotional response. CBT therapy involves that approach (among many other things). But it’s a heck of a lot more complex than just telling yourself to ‘change your mindset’ and you can and should still honour your feelings. If you are having a difficult time it’s okay to say that, a lot of this toxic positivity can be really undermining and gaslighty.

Well I think it’s true to a certain extent, it’s not what happens to you but how you view it that matters.
However it’s not something I would say to a friend who is going through a bad time. Perhaps you could suggest to her she works on her social skills.

OP, your friend is completely right, but changing your attitude isn't easy -because its part of your personality and built up over many years. This is why Cognitative Behavioural Therapy (CBT), many other therapies, and a zillion self-help resources exist - to help you change your attitude.

I feel stressed or depressed without reason sometimes and I can't always pinpoint a cause. One day a particular scenario will just wash over me and have no effect on my mood, but on a different day a similar scenario will have my stomach churning and I feel down. This rarely happens now I'm post menopause so I blame it on hormones/body chemicals.

So no I don't think my mindset can change how I feel. And when I feel down/stressed/anxious nothing I do changes those feelings except waking up to a new day.

I truly believe that feelings are chemical in nature. You can't 'make' yourself happy. And yes, I can control how I react to my feelings. I always put a brave face on.

@dilemmaz

OP, your friend is completely right, but changing your attitude isn't easy -because its part of your personality and built up over many years. This is why Cognitative Behavioural Therapy (CBT), many other therapies, and a zillion self-help resources exist - to help you change your attitude.

Is it not possible that many people's positive and ralaxed attitudes has been built from years of good fortune? They have learned to perceive life as good and positive because that is the hand they've been dealt? Bit of a chicken and egg situation imo. As to why a zillion self help resources exist, I'd venture the money to be made from peddling them is at least part of the reason? I don't include legitimate therapies in this.

I think Viktor Frankl had a little something to say on this...

I agree that situations are easier and less stressful if you can handle them calmly but that's chicken and egg.....If anyone can tell me how a posituve mental attitude or "making my own luck" could have stopped my radiator leaking and flooding a bedroom though, I'd be FASCINATED to find out

@Ibizan

It isn’t that the stressful things go away, but that you see it as something within your capacity to deal with. So no catastrophising, and focusing on the things you can do.

If you go with the mindset of “this is stressful” then it takes away from the focus on what do I need to do to reduce the stress (who will be a mixture of actions to take to make whatever you are worry about less likely to go to the worst case and your response to that)

I don't know....I find if I have the mindset of "this is stressful" I use it as a warning to take steps to control the stress...For me the first step to dealing with stress and stressful situations is to recognised that I am stressed.

@5128gap

I also think the idea is used as a way for people to reframe their good luck as personal achievement sometimes, and make them feel superior to less fortunate people.

Yep. It's a way of making themselves feel safe at the expense of those suffering. "That terrible situation will never happen to me because I'm different to that person - I have the right mindset and they don't."

In other words, your friend is a self-centred dick.

My mum had an incredibly positive attitude towards her cancer treatment. She still died from the cancer. That was not her fault.