It’s all about your attitude….

[DrJohnZoidberg]

Having a rough time at the moment. Was talking to an friend about it and this is what she said to me. She believes of you think you’re having a difficult time/your stressed/you’re unlucky then it happens that way, and that if I changed my mindset my situation would change.

Do you think this is true? Does this work for you? How do you not get stressed which things are stressful?! AIBU to think this sort of makes someone feel like they’re creating problems and that makes it worse?

I am generally resilient, I apply a fuck it attitude, roll my sleeves up if it is a tough task etc. Doesn't mean I don't feel worry or pain or stress etc but I don't let it run me down. I also don't think that it stops bad things happening to me or that not being resilient causes bad things to happen, luck is luck.

I like the quite from Sherlock "don't worry about it" , "why?," "because if you worry about it and then it happens then you have suffered twice".

Unsure whether a positive outlook creates more positive outcomes.
I do believe that we can ()and do) choose how we react to situations be they positive or negative.

Friend A is super positive and coped with two traumatic events (sudden death of parent and death of beloved pet in successive months) by setting successful new business.

Friend B a less positive friend last year won a converted honour in her profession and several competitions for her hobby but talked of nothing other than being dogged with bad luck (unexceptional life events such as cheeky teenaged children, car needing new exhaust etc).

Both have suffered stressful times but Friend A sees opportunities whereas friend B is less resilient. Friend A is happier.

It depends what the situation is....but personally I'm not a fan of this approach.

Have you heard of toxic positivity? I first heard the phrase last year after I was diagnosed with a serious illness. It makes for interesting reading. There's also a great account on Instagram called something like sit with it, which basically advocates allowing yourself to feel difficult emotions and not allow others to belittle them. Bascially, you feel the way you feel and we all handle things differently and no one can tell you how to feel.

I don't know. There are certainly situations which are undeniably shit and that not even the sunniest optimist could dismiss entirely. But there's a difference between "This is shit." and "This is shit, but...".

I am definitely a natural pessimist but in the previous years (and with some therapy) I've found a balance between allowing myself to acknowledge when something is awful and also not allowing it to become the be-all and end-all. That's helped a lot.

When I was made redundant leading to a breakdown some years ago, my attitude was "This is fucking horrendous, it's completely ruined my plans for the next few years" and I ended up in a v bad place. Now, I think I'd still think it was fucking horrendous but I'd be more likely to look for any, tiny positives - a change, new challenges, a break etc - and i think that'd help me get through it a lot easier.

On the other hand, a friend of mine is toxic positivity personified. She is relentlessly positive about everything but as a result, she's an awful person to go to when you need support. It feels so dismissive when you just want someone to say "Christ, that's awful, are you okay?".

So I empathise - sometimes you don't want advice about your mental attitude, you just want someone to hear you.

If you go into a maths exam thinking to yourself "I'm no good at maths, this is going to be a disaster" then you aren't going to do your best, are you?

It's useful in some situations but clearly not ALL about attitude. Imagine telling the women trapped in Afghanistan right now that 'if you 'changed my mindset your situation would change'. Some things you can't control and it's fatuous to say otherwise.

That right there is toxic positivity and it absolutely wrecks my head. Nothing more than burying your head in the sand and ignoring your true emotions. Far better off to acknowledge your feelings and work through them.

It's true to some extent depending on the circumstances. I am naturally quite a negative person although would never have agreed to it before. It's not that imagine that everything is glum, just that I always like to consider the worse so that I can be prepared for it if it happens.

Sometimes it's a good thing, but very often it does become a self-fulfilling prothecy. Not because being positive mean you control your future, but because being positive rather than negative takes away anxiety, and therefore all the things that hold us up because anxiety burns our energy.

I've started to let go of the negativity, and although I can't say that things are so much better, I'm certainly much less aggrieved and bothered with things that would have otherwise upset me in the past.

I dunno, I was a silver lining, stick a smile on and make the most of it person. Death, illnesses massive issues I took a min to regroup and then kept on trucking. Never a missed work or night out because of anything that was happening.
Pandemic, same thing. I always thought I just dealt with the situation in front of me rather and let the cards fall where they may.
Had a breakdown though. Abs a therapist pointed out I had to feel my feelings to get any better. I’m learning to give myself permission to feel shit about things.

If you regularly turn the slightest issue into a big drama to get attention, or always look on the bad side of things then maybe your friend was trying to give you some helpful advice.
If you really have had a string of misfortunes and were pouring your heart out to her then I think her comment was cruel and victim blaming, and she's not much of a friend.

I agree with your friend

A positive attitude helps everything!

Most of the time having a negative mindset exacerbates a situation and makes it difficult to see it getting any better. Your not going to be very productive with a negative mindset

@CookPassBabtridge

Your friend is right, I've always been a bit rose tinted glasses and put silver linings on everything. It makes life much easier to deal with.

This, it doesn't magically make all the problems in life go away, but it shifts your focus. I find it's easier to deal with stressful things if I'm consciously looking out for positive things to offset the stress. Like you might be having a stressful day at work but the sun is shining, or the washing machine has broken and flooded the kitchen but your favourite song just came in the radio. It doesn't remove the stress but helps keep your head above water.

Whereas if you are focusing on all the things that are going wrong, you're going to notice more of them and little negative things will add up, and you can get more stressed.

I've definitely not led a charmed life, there are periods in my life where I've lurched from one trauma to the next, and I've not always been able to follow my own advice, but when I have it has made a difference.

Once you are in the habit of making yourself look for positives it also becomes easier to notice them.

I think it’s a bit of a condescending response but agree that a certain mindset can help you approach difficult times.

I also don’t think it would work in all contexts as others have pointed out!

We have a choice about how we react to things, often people can experience exactly the same emotional trauma and what will break one person will lead another to become wiser, stronger and ultimately happier. Not all, but part of that is about the attitude people choose to take. The narrative in your own head is what dictates how you experience something.

It sounds very much like the usual positive thinking BS - that I am successful because I decided to be therefore you are a failure because you didn't have the right attitude. It's a way for the wealthy to convince themselves they are wealthy because of their actions and the poor are to blame for being poor. Basically lucky people don't like to believe their success has anything to do with luck.

Obviously there are times where a positive mindset helps - I can't think of any where it would be a hindrance, of the top of my head. But that's more because a positive person won't be discouraged by a setback. Won't hide away and be risk-averse.

Where the BS comes in is when people claim "if you visualise something, it will come true" - and by extension people who struggle are to blame for not visualising the right things.

She believes if you think you’re having a difficult time/your stressed/you’re unlucky then it happens that way
Well thats a no brainer. We have much less control over life than a lot of people would like to admit.

She believes that if I changed my mindset my situation would change.
The first part contradicts this. We have very little control over what happens. The universe doesn't care if you're laughing or crying.

It is possible to change your mindset, it takes practice and perseverance. It won't change anything around you. Negative people will still appear but they probably won't stick around. Positive minded people won't flock to you like a moth to a flame, but they probably wont avoid you. Good and bad things will still happen.

What new habits can do for you is change is what you focus on and how you feel. IMO its worth it.

It’s not your fault you we say I don’t believe it that manifesting crap but I believe that you can choose to have a good day.

No - I don't think mindset affects your luck.

Your mindset is only an influence in very minor things - in the sense you are more likely to notice and mind small bad things when something more serious goes wrong - in a 'this is the last straw' 'what else can go wrong?^ sort of way.

But if something terrible happens, no amount of positive mindset is going to change it (or stop it happening in the first place).

Like much popular psychology, your friend's idea is vastly over-simplified.

People like to think they’ve more control over things than they do.
I think though there is something about being positive and seeing the bright side of life however sometimes bad things happen and it’s ok to feel down about it.

Some people take this positivity to the extreme. I remember a friend getting annoyed at me because I was ill and they were saying things like “think positive” and “mind over matter”. An hour later when I was vomiting they had shut up.

I remember a friend getting annoyed at me because I was ill and they were saying things like “think positive” and “mind over matter”.

Again, I think when people do that and try and force their dismissive positivity on others who are suffering to try and shame them / shut them up it is because the person cannot cope with what is happening and is trying to push it away. Not because "just think positive" is a valid or useful thing to say.

I think that is a very simplistic way of saying it and clearly it isn't relative to every situation but yeah, some people absolutely do "bring it all on themselves" so to speak.