About someone WFH and housework

[Growingnicely]

I’m a bit annoyed with my DH and partly just venting here.

So our house is due to go on the market. It’s a complete tip just at the moment and trying to keep on top of it is proving really difficult.

DH has been WFH since the start of the pandemic, it didn’t cause much of a problem when I was working too, but once I was off I increasingly found I was spending the entire days feeling as though I was in the way in my own home. Because of where his office is, the back garden (which is tiny, one reason for the move) is off limits because he’s positioned right in front of it so you can’t be in it without him staring directly at you. It’s hard to do things like laundry, hoovering and so on because he’s there working on calls or whatever. So I either have to try to cram it in between calls / meetings or have to do it in the evenings, not ideal really!

He made a comment today about the house being a mess and while it is, it’s really hard to actually tidy it properly under someone’s feet.

How does everyone else manage this, and AIBU to be a bit annoyed he’s made out the house being a mess is my fault?

How much housework does he do, OP? If he is working from home, does he spend the extra time from not commuting to care for DC, tidy, cook, clean, wash, vac, laundry and so on more?

I mean, I can't work and tidy at the same time - perfectly possible in some jobs, I'm sure, but not mine most of the time.

And I do get a bit annoyed if I've worked all day and DH has been home and the house looks like WW3 when I'm done, but it's usually exasperation rather than anything else, and we have no kids.

But I work in our living room, there's nowhere else for me to go, and DH is often in here too. It's his home. It'd be absolutely unreasonable of me to expect him to live in the bedroom or go out all day. I do give him a heads up of any important calls and he does turn the TV down then, or whatever, but it's as rare as I can make it.

My DH works permanently from home in the kitchen - has done so daily for over three years. We carry in making normal kitchen noise around him. We put the washing machine on, traipse in and out of the kitchen to hang it in the garden, cook, wash up, everything. I wouldn’t hoover, though.

No, but you are aware of your presence and you feel like you’re getting in the way constantly

But he is working in one room. You can clean / tidy quietly in any of the other rooms. The only thing you can't do quietly is hoover, which is quite a quick job

You seem determined to find / create barriers. I'm finding your excuses quite frustrating, TBH

Me and DH both work full time and he once said ‘this floor is a bit grim it needs cleaned’ I replied ‘hmm yes well you know where the hoover and mop are’ if he wants it tidy he has to help out a bit.

@BashfulClam, well said, but it's 'do his fair share' not 'help out a bit'.

A complicated journey through the house?! It's not a jungle

Hang on, I have something else to add but first I have to make a complicated journey through my house to the bathroom. BRB.

Have you posted about this wfh situation before? It sounds very similar to the others about seeing friends in your home and wanting your husband to go back to the office.

I think if you are going to wfh then it needs to be in a room away from the main living areas ie living room and kitchen.
When we first moved here, my dh was working in the sunroom, but then we realised our ed needed a room when back from uni (she was back every few weekends and the plan for her to share her sisters room just wasn't feasible). So, we turned the sun room into a bedroom for her and dh took over the dining room as his office.
Well, dining room is between the kitchen and living room, so meant I couldn't do anything noisy during the day either hoovering or using a mixer. Plus, I had to listen to his work calls, which were frequent and long.
In the end, because our garden was big enough, we installed a log cabin and that is now his office. Home life can continue as normal and he can work without being interrupted too much (a neighbour is a very keen gardener and especially likes noisy, petrol driven machines to do it).

I guess what I am saying is your dh needs to work in a different room so you can get in with the things you want to do without disturbing him.
But you also need to have a chat with him about why he feels the mess is your fault. If it's just the two of you there, then it's both of your messes, not just yours to clean up.

Well apart from the hoovering I would crack on. He can Hoover in the evenings for you

I WFH and have a set of baby twins and a 5 year old - I work from my bedroom during school holidays and they have the rest of the house and garden. When it's just me here when everyone is in childcare/school then I use the tea and smoke breaks that my colleagues have that I don't have because I neither drink tea or smoke to clean a room a day or stick the washing on

You've repeatedly said that you "feel" you can't do xyz while he's working or that to do so would be a nuisance. Those are subjective thoughts, not feelings and not facts unless you're being abused and haven't disclosed that.

Those are opinions and posters have pointed out to you that the facts are different - you can use the garden, you can pass through the room, you can do vacuuming in the rest of the house. You're choosing not to.

So either he's told you off / made you uncomfortable for being in the garden and living normally in your home or these are entirely self-imposed issues conjured up by your own unhelpful/irrational thoughts and anxieties. Which is it?

Him being a misogynist with no respect for you is another matter to the choices you are making to cause your life to be harder than necessary.

@GoWalkabout

I sympathise OP but I think you are falling into the trap of being super considerate and then frustrated. He doesn't seem to be expecting you to tiptoe around him, so stop doing so (both to do the housework and to point out to him what his fair share is). Life will be a lot better if you start living with your own needs at the forefront and letting others figure out how to work around you.

I agree with this.

It’s nice you’re considerate - but he doesn’t seem to have appreciated that you’re being considerate, perhaps because he really doesn’t need you to be!
Get him to use a background on Teams or Zoom as standard when you’re in the house.

And don’t take to heart a comment that the house is a mess if, as you say yourself, the house is a bit of a mess.

Unless he said ‘Growing, this house is a mess! Why aren’t you doing more cleaning and tidying?’ In which case unleash your frustration upon him.

Good luck with the house hunt. Choose somewhere with WFH and future-proofing in mind - no all open-plan nonsense.

He needs to work in another area of the house or put a background on for his zoom/teams meetings so you’re blurred out or not seen. I have colleagues working in their bedrooms, hallways, childrens bedrooms. Whatever works for them. If they have a background on we have no idea where they are.

@Growingnicely

I’m not worried, it’s just a general point that we can’t really go into the garden which is why we re moving. Sorry - I phrased that really badly!

Of course you CAN go into the garden. Just because he can see you, that's not a barrier

People working from home whilst there are others in the house (unless they are working from another corner) is very difficult.

I suggest OP that you get the washing done in the evening - and it is hung out before he starts to work. It can then come in when he is finished or on lunch?
The odd route to the garden - well if he can't move and doesn't want you behind then so be it.

The rest of it outside of the room he is in I think you just have to get on with an ignore him. We have all been stuck in this situation for far to long now and it is just becoming normal.

Finally I would suggest a complete blitz of the house over the weekend when he is not working - with him mucking in too. That way you have a back to base normal to start off with.

If he's facing the garden, you won't be in his meetings if you're in the garden, camera is pointed the other way, isnt' it?

Just tell him that house is a mess because you try to be mindful and not disturb him while he's working. But he's right, this is not working, so you will be living as normal and not sneaking around any more. If he finds it too distracting, he needs to move into another room.

It honestly sounds like the issue is entirely yours. YOU feel you're in the way and you shouldn't make any noise, but he hasn't complained or told you to sit in silence while he's on calls.

Most people don't live alone and normal life is going on around them during video calls. You do need to have some basic consideration like telling him you're about to hoover so he can shut the door/use headphones, but mostly you just get on with your day.

How does him looking out of the window (where else is he supposed to look?) stop you cleaning the bathroom, kitchen, etc? You are saying the house is a mess but the only thing you say have said you can’t do whilst he’s working us hang the washing out. The washing isn’t the only thing making the house messy. Get the washing out before he starts work or during his lunch break. How many loads a day are you doing?

If you both worked outside of the home, when would you fo the cleaning and washing then? I WFH full time (and have done for over 10 years) but my husband works outside the home. I don’t do any housework when I’m working because I’m working but I do throw a load into the washing machine when I take a break. Everything else gets done after work or at the weekend just the way the vast majority of people did their cleaning prior to March 2020.

I sympathise because both DH and I have this feeling of being watched when the other one is WFH/doing chores but we also both know it's in our heads and that the person who is WFH genuinely doesn't give a monkey's ass what the person doing chores (or watching TV) is doing. In our case, the compromise is that I work almost exclusively from our bedroom so that noise etc isn't as much of an issue if I worked downstairs.

You need to just get on with things and if you're moving around behind him, he needs to get privacy filters on his zoom and/or good headphones and/or move to the bedroom.