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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About someone WFH and housework

71 replies

Growingnicely · 26/08/2021 10:34

I’m a bit annoyed with my DH and partly just venting here.

So our house is due to go on the market. It’s a complete tip just at the moment and trying to keep on top of it is proving really difficult.

DH has been WFH since the start of the pandemic, it didn’t cause much of a problem when I was working too, but once I was off I increasingly found I was spending the entire days feeling as though I was in the way in my own home. Because of where his office is, the back garden (which is tiny, one reason for the move) is off limits because he’s positioned right in front of it so you can’t be in it without him staring directly at you. It’s hard to do things like laundry, hoovering and so on because he’s there working on calls or whatever. So I either have to try to cram it in between calls / meetings or have to do it in the evenings, not ideal really!

He made a comment today about the house being a mess and while it is, it’s really hard to actually tidy it properly under someone’s feet.

How does everyone else manage this, and AIBU to be a bit annoyed he’s made out the house being a mess is my fault?

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 26/08/2021 11:11

Can he go back to the office at all? Or rent a desk somewhere? One day a week would let you have a good noisy blitz.

Hercisback · 26/08/2021 11:12

I think you need to talk to him about it. What are his expectations re you walking through? Is there somewhere else he could work? Could he do a couple of days in the office? Does the lack of commute time mean he could help more round the house?
A post on MN isn't really going to help you.

MedusasBadHairDay · 26/08/2021 11:14

Has he actually complained about you being a distraction or is it that you feel like you're a distraction?

RoomOfRequirement · 26/08/2021 11:15

I'm tired from just hearing these excuses so I imagine you're tired from making them all up too. Maybe go have a nap.

A complicated journey through the house?! It's not a jungle.

Disintegration1985 · 26/08/2021 11:16

He finds seeing people in the garden distracting? What did he do when he was in the office? This is assuming he has a regular office job where he'd be sat in an open plan office with people walking around, which I realise might not be the case.

I'd agree with everyone else, he needs to shut the blinds/curtains. I understand him not wanting hoovering or noisy jobs going on if he's on a call, even wearing a headset I'd find that distracting.

minipie · 26/08/2021 11:16

There are two options here:

  1. he stays where he is and tells you he doesn’t mind you going back and forth to tidy etc, and you crack on without feeling in the way

  2. he moves to work somewhere else in the house

Talk to him and work out which is better. At the moment you may be creating a problem in your own head

rookiemere · 26/08/2021 11:21

It's an opportunity when he says the house is a mess to let him know that it's hard to clean and tidy around him so maybe he could find somewhere else to WFH at least for a few hours a week.

I feel the same, I don't work Fridays and it used to be my day to do a blitz of the house but then DH goes into the kitchen when it's still wet from being mopped, uses the downstairs toilet as soon as I've put the liquid in for cleaning. House is just messier, nothing I can do about it.

Goldbar · 26/08/2021 11:21

He needs to move his desk to somewhere in the house which isn't a main thoroughfare.

You and your DC need to be able to move around freely, access the garden, do the chores and essentially get on with everyday life.

Your current set-up isn't working. Tell him the house isn't going to get any cleaner with him sat where he is.

notanothertakeaway · 26/08/2021 11:22

It isn’t just walking through once, you endlessly go back and forth, and back and forth putting things away and sorting things out

If he's working in eg the dining room, surely it's easy to put a cardboard box by the door, and anything that belongs in the dining room goes in the box?

I can see it's difficult to try to keep a young child quiet, but that's a separate issue and not what your OP was about

SeaToSki · 26/08/2021 11:30

Put a desk in the bedroom and shut the door, he can work up there and you can get on downstairs

ItoldyouIwastrouble · 26/08/2021 11:34

It seems like you need a 2 step plan to get you through the period before you move. 1. declutter and get on top of the current mess. 2. find a way to manage/keep on top of it until the move.

Can you plan a big blitz/clean/declutter day or weekend, ship the kids off if you can or take shifts, both working together - the house being a mess is a joint problem! Then work out whether there is a better place for your partner to work or if you need to plan in housework at a different time.

TartanJumper · 26/08/2021 11:42

Well he can do some of the housework too. It shouldn't be all down to you. At the very least, he can do the room he uses daily.

GoWalkabout · 26/08/2021 11:43

I sympathise OP but I think you are falling into the trap of being super considerate and then frustrated. He doesn't seem to be expecting you to tiptoe around him, so stop doing so (both to do the housework and to point out to him what his fair share is). Life will be a lot better if you start living with your own needs at the forefront and letting others figure out how to work around you.

makkapakka212 · 26/08/2021 11:45

Does he get annoyed at you coming and going whilst he works or is it you that feels like you don't want to distract him?

Original poster
Growingnicely · 26/08/2021 11:48

No, but you are aware of your presence and you feel like you’re getting in the way constantly which isn’t really fair. Some things are out like hoovering. Plus I don’t really want to be constantly appearing on Zoom meetings in the background - have visions of it going viral like that professor who’s little children barged in when he was on a call!

Mostly I’ve been doing it at weekends / mornings but this has been a bit harder lately.

OP posts:
Gemma2019 · 26/08/2021 11:49

You don't need to tiptoe around him. Unless he has always worked completely alone he will be used to people making noise and moving around him in an office environment. I'm surprised at the amount of spouses who think their OH needs complete solitude and silence to work.

Oogachuckachopsy · 26/08/2021 11:54

I cannot understand why you’re worried about him seeing you out of the window doing domestic tasks. It makes him sound like a tyrant and you like a timid, below-stairs scullery maid Confused

QOD · 26/08/2021 11:55

you are making it super hard for yourself

I wfh and have a wall behind me on purpose, dh and dd (when home) can march thru the house and do what they like

You can blur out the background on Teams so I am sure you can on Zoom?

To be honest, the last 18 months have changed wfh completely, I work "in" a call centre and we werent allowed to have barking dogs or kids roaming in the background due to unprofession noise ... but its tough shite now.
WFH became compulsory, if the dogs bark no one cares, i have had to go take a parcel if a delivery person persists on banging etc.

He needs to bugger off upstairs or move rooms and yes, headset!

Original poster
Growingnicely · 26/08/2021 11:55

I’m not worried, it’s just a general point that we can’t really go into the garden which is why we re moving. Sorry - I phrased that really badly!

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/08/2021 11:57

He needs to he upstairs so that you and his children can actually use the space at home.

Oogachuckachopsy · 26/08/2021 12:00

@Growingnicely

I’m not worried, it’s just a general point that we can’t really go into the garden which is why we re moving. Sorry - I phrased that really badly!
But why can’t you go into the garden? I must have missed something.
WingingItEveryDay7 · 26/08/2021 12:06

He needs to move his WFH area to the bedroom/spare room during the day and close the door, simple. How on earth are you expected to keep on top of things if you are 'not allowed' to use certain areas because he will see you. I WFH and work upstairs in the bedroom so that the rest of the house is usable by everyone else. What an arse to tell you the house is in a mess! It's his mess too and once he's done working for the day he should do his fair share too! What century are we living in for goodness sake?! You need to have stern words OP!! x

Gardenwalldilema · 26/08/2021 12:07

Hes either being an arsehole or you're being a martyr, can't work out which it is.
Why can't he sit in a bedroom or suchlike?

Original poster
Growingnicely · 26/08/2021 12:10

He’s always worked there, tbh - it’s not been an issue before. I don’t think I’m being a martyr, it’s strange to assume someone doing what they can when they can is being a martyr.

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 26/08/2021 12:10

I’m doing what I can but it’s difficult because I’m doing it around someone working, yes there’s stuff like headsets but I can’t just get on with it as I would if he wasn’t here!

Yes - you can. It reads to me like you feel awkward and therefore you're not doing your usual stuff. But that's your choice, surely? It doesn't read to me like he's complained or told you not to?

The laundry is a problem because to get it from machine to garden I would normally walk through the area where dh is but because he’s there I can’t which means this weird complicated journey through the house, which is annoying!

I would just walk past him. Why would you not?