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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want to get married because … AIBU?

46 replies

QFooorU · 26/08/2021 02:38

I don’t want to get married anymore because my childhood bully - mean girls - got married first, before me and my mind now associates marriage and engagements and white wedding dresses with seeing my childhood bullies in them. Mentally, I can’t dissociate those two things now.
I definitely want to have DC though, just without the marriage first.

OP posts:
DPotter · 26/08/2021 03:04

Unreasonable - No.

Just one question - why are you letting this woman inside your head? To turn a phrase 180 - she's not worth it.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/08/2021 03:31

Stop allowing this irrelevant woman to live rent free in your head. It's all rather silly, isn't it?

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 26/08/2021 03:50

This is a bit crazy. You wont get married because your bullies got married? Are you going to never do anything in life that your bullies have done? If white dresses make you think of them get married in something else. You want children, but what if THEY have children? Do they have a job? Go on holiday? Go out to eat? See how silly it sounds to not do something just because your bullies have done it? Maybe you need to find a professional to talk through this with because this is not something people usually feel.

UmbrellaDrops · 26/08/2021 03:51

You what? Get therapy please,you owe it to yourself and your future happiness.

Rainbowqueeen · 26/08/2021 04:26

You need to change the association. There must be plenty of lovely people you like and admire who have got married surely??
Why does she still impact you so much. I agree that therapy is a good idea.

Balonzette · 26/08/2021 04:50

This isn't healthy. You need to seek help or find a way to work through this. Do you have a partner who wants to marry you? And this is the reason why you won't?

araiwa · 26/08/2021 04:58

Yikes.

What if your bully has children before you? Buys a house first?

You can't let her keep impacting your life

Sciurus83 · 26/08/2021 05:00

Kindly, seek professional help. This is very irrational and allowing a childhood bully this much real estate in your head isn't the sign of a healthy mind.

Everydayimhuffling · 26/08/2021 05:03

That's ridiculous. And I say that as someone who isn't married and has children. Honestly, don't let them control your lives! I'm not saying my reasons are any more sensible, but if you want to get married you should and f those people.

Urghhhhh · 26/08/2021 05:04

I think this is a case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. It's a choice that only hurts you and does nothing to actually address or heal your childhood trauma.

By making this choice based on your bullies' lives you're only continuing to give them power over you, even now in adulthood. Don't. They're irrelevant. Plus, getting married early is not an accomplishment in itself. For all we know, their husbands might be abusive or useless or addicts. Things are not always as they seem.

You're obviously struggling with these feelings of inadequacy and unfairness and it's doing you harm, so i would gently nudge you to get some counseling.

ShrikeAttack · 26/08/2021 05:25

Is that's the case, if that's really the case. I'd therapy about that @QFooorU. Why would you let the idea of a woman from your past affect your entire life?

I suspect there's something more going on that a decent therapist could unpick.

ShrikeAttack · 26/08/2021 05:27

I'd 'get' therapy.

ShrikeAttack · 26/08/2021 05:36

I was bullied.

They were girls that felt inadequate. For whatever reason. It was never about me really.

People who bully are people who aren't happy.

So even though it was shit at the time, I always knew it was more about them than me.

If you take their feelings on as your own years down the line, then who wins?

Find someone you can speak to about what was really going on in those years.

Namenic · 26/08/2021 05:41

Could you do a low key legal marriage - that is unlike conventional marriage - but gives you protections if you need to take maternity leave or buy a house with your partner? Or perhaps civil partnership?

You could do this at the same time as therapy - and if one day you feel like a traditional marriage is the right thing - then you could have a ceremony for that?

Mushtullo · 26/08/2021 05:57

That’s quite mad, OP. And you don’t need to get engaged, or wear a white dress — I’m married and didn’t do either.

Nancydrawn · 26/08/2021 05:58

There's no reason you have to have their wedding. In fact, you could repudiate it by having a truly excellent wedding that's entirely your style.

I also suggest getting some therapy. Childhood scars can be really tough, but they sound like they're dictating your life to an unhealthy degree.

soughsigh · 26/08/2021 06:01

I'm sorry that you've got so many dismissive comments, this is clearly something that has impacted you profoundly. If you can, I would definitely seek to address is.

Otherwise, a marriage is more than a white dress and a wedding. It's legal protection. You can easily get married without the big ceremony, do it your way.

HollyGrail · 26/08/2021 06:12

EMDR eye movement desensitisation reprocessing - This therapy seems to have a lot of success dealing with past stress and PTSD, perhaps you could try this.

garlictwist · 26/08/2021 06:26

It's fine not to get married if you don't want to but that's a ridiculous reason not to. You have to leave the past behind you - chances are this woman isn't even the same person who bullied you, you were kids. You need to move on.

Mybalconyiscracking · 26/08/2021 06:32

You don’t have to the engagement, white dress etc thing. There are lots of ways to get married … but you do need help.
Your bully is probably currently asleep in bed, she will get up and wash her face at some point. Are you not going to do these things because she does them?

ChickpeaCrunch · 26/08/2021 06:35

Seek counselling?
Consider a small wedding just popping to the registry office in your jeans. The legal protection it gives you is important so look into alternative ways of protecting yourself if you really can't, maybe speak to a solicitor.

KidneyBeans · 26/08/2021 06:45

Why have you seen you childhood bullies weddings?

You need to disengage and get help

PurpleOkapi · 26/08/2021 06:58

It'll be interesting to see what happens once OP has a child, then hears through the grapevine that some of her childhood bullies now also have children. That poor kid ...

AnyOldPrion · 26/08/2021 07:04

Marriage is a contract that can useful in protecting you financially if you have children. What you’re talking about is weddings. Marriage isn’t for everyone, but don’t base your thoughts on marriage on the type of weddings people you don’t like had.

Also, you need to stop watching those people. You are allowing their actions to control your life now, when they should have no power over you. Why would you waste a moment of your precious life looking backwards at people you don’t like?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/08/2021 07:06

Don't think unreasonable to associate it with bullies.... You associate what you associate...

BUT it really is not healthy to let this association dictate your life path...if your bullies are still in your head this much, I'd recommend investigating a registered therapist.

Im sorry you were bullied - it's truly grim and there's often a hangover into adult years.

Some of our local bullies - married young, had kids young and were divorced by mid 20s. The ones I heard of were utterly miserable.

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