I don’t want to get married because … AIBU?

[QFooorU]

I don’t want to get married anymore because my childhood bully - mean girls - got married first, before me and my mind now associates marriage and engagements and white wedding dresses with seeing my childhood bullies in them. Mentally, I can’t dissociate those two things now.
I definitely want to have DC though, just without the marriage first.

Noone needs to get married if they don't want to but to let something from your childhood affect you this much shows you need some help.

I am going to go against the grain as I can totally relate: clearly the OP should have the legal protection of marriage if she is planning to have children.

But I totally understand being put off weddings and the grotesque circus around them as I have always loathed them too. If someone you really dislike is big on them that would make it a million times worse.

I do think OP that you need to separate in your head the legal element of marriage from all the white dress woo. It’s basically a legal contract which protects you. If you think of it like that would it make it more palatable?

Mentally, I can’t dissociate those two things now.

You can. Get help to, if necessary.

Life decisions are up to you but if you’re planning DC then you’re making your life much harder by putting yourself in a very vulnerable position for future security legally/financially.

There are ways to mitigate this - they’re all more hassle than getting married though. And if you’re the type of person to make these decisions (getting married or not, etc) based on emotions, you might not want to take these steps as they’re pretty unromantic.

Marry, don’t marry, your choice, of course. But saying you “can’t” disassociate the concept of your own marriage from someone else’s wedding is really very defeatist and odd.

Well not getting married is entirely sensible as it bring no advantages for women unless you've given up a job to raise kids.

@WaterBottle123

Well not getting married is entirely sensible as it bring no advantages for women unless you've given up a job to raise kids.

This is also a great point. Marriage only makes sense for women who are planning to stop work.

It’s one of the biggest con tricks pulled on women imho. So I don’t think not wanting to get married is especially irrational.

Although you should do it if you are planning to rely on someone else’s income for any period of time.

Your feelings are valid, but you need to see a therapist.

You have got some issues to deal with I think. Because this isn’t a measured response.

How do you know this about your childhood bully? If you follow her on Facebook/social media you need to have follow and not give her a second thought

Yanbu to not want to get married.

Yabu to not want it for those reasons.

How have you even seen their wedding photos? That suggests some level of contact that isn't really helping you or healthy for you.

It sounds like you need some professional help to be able to move past the bullying that happened to you. Because you haven't. That's what's at the root of this.

Ok that's ridiculous.

You need to put this is context.. that was then ..this is now...
I mean you dont get married because they did..
So.. they go to the loo....

You don't have to wear a white dress. Or do it traditionally.
Why don't you sign the papers in jeans and a tee, then having a celebration party afterwards. It won't be anything like theirs.
It's about a contract between you and DP.

I mean this very gently - but this is really not normal and you could do with some help.

Childhood bullying can (and evidently has) left some very deep scars for you and while you may not want to get married anyway, it shouldn't be because you've got an association with someone from years ago also being married. Hitler was married. So was ...I don't know, Idi Amin. It's a bit like saying you'll never go on holiday because you once saw someone awful go on a plane - it's not a rational reponse (because it's emotional) and it's hindering your ability to do a very normal thing you might potentially want one day. That's grounds for therapy and then some - you don't have to carry that mental weight around with you forever!

You need therapy for sure. Not unreasonable for not wanting to get married, but the control over your life still is concerning.

Ok.. but how do you know they got married before you ?? Stop following them on social media and your life will be better for it

@ConstanceGracy

Ok.. but how do you know they got married before you ?? Stop following them on social media and your life will be better for it

I’m forced to hear about it and know what goes on in her life somehow finds its way back to me through people we both know. I don’t actively go searching for it though.

But you have seen them in their wedding dresses according to your op. And it's multiple people.

Anyone who is knows you both must know what went on or at least you don't like them. So why are they showing you photos?

If people are aware and still sharing their news and photos, usually need to cut these mutual people off.

And get some professional support.

What?! If your childhood bully had a baby would you not want to do that?!

Anyway, if you don’t want a big rock and a white wedding don’t have one. But getting married protects you and your kids.