To risk my sister’s inevitable anger/upset

[mrsnoodle55]

I can’t decide whether to tell my sister how argumentative and unreasonable she’s become. She constantly hen pecks her husband, who does nothing to stop it; he looks permanently cross and stressed, won’t make any decisions, no matter how trivial, and is no doubt treading on egg shells 24/7.

She’s always been a bit like this, but not to this degree. We have just been away with them and I was startled to witness it; it worries me her kids (early teens) are listening to their non stop bickering and her endless nit picking and learning this is normal behaviour.

I personally have a good relationship with her, she has behaved like this to me occasionally but never to this degree. I can’t decide whether I’m likely to achieve anything by pointing out how unreasonable she has become; and if I do, how to broach it. I know she will be angry, probably upset. But if I don’t raise it with her nobody will.

Could she be menopausal?

If it was my DS I'd sit her down and ask her what's wrong.

I wondered about the menopause too.

I think she is most likely menopausal; we are mid forties (she’s a bit older than me.) That’s possibly my best avenue to go down.

Peri-menopause may very well be contributing to her moods, but she is still responsible for her behaviour. I would speak to her.

If you address this as her being unreasonable, cross or nit-picking then it certainly won’t go well. Unless you’re a martyr hoping that she’ll unleash on you?

Check with yourself what your goal is? To help her out of love and worry for her, or somehow stand up for her family members instead? Frankly how her marriage or their parenting dynamics is set up really isn’t your business. No one is asking you to step in. You don’t know what is really going on between them at home.

If your love for her is motivating you, then sit her down and say you’re worried, that you notice she’s increasingly stressed and seems upset. Listen, then help her gently untangle the causes (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc). Then help her find help if she seems willing- a counsellor, GP visit to scope hormones or medications, self-care plan, etc. Let her know you’re there for her.

And equally, if she indicates for you to back off, then do that.

I’m not sure op. It seems poor behaviour from both of them. There could be way more going on in ghr marriage than you know.

I think something along the lines of "are you OK sis? You didn't seem yourself." Would be the way to go

I agree with everything MadameMonk said. My sister sounds similar to yours, turns out mine had a health scare and was trying to deal with it. Please don't go in with all guns blazing .

I'd speak to her out of concern for her and not their marriage - none of my business. I'd sit down with her and ask if she's ok as she seems stressed out at the moment, I'd ask if there's anything I can do to help. If she gets ratty and says she has no idea what you mean (a distinct possibility!) then don't back off but say that she just seems a bit snappy and you're worried about her. She'll either welcome your intervention or tell you to back off but at least it might start her thinking.

Sounds like she's being abusive to me. I doubt she will want to hear that from you though. Good luck breaching the subject.

Kid gloves my love.
I'm menopausal, my behaviour definitely changed, picked fights for no reason, lost my cool for no reason, crying, shouting, had some very dark thoughts, I actually thought I was mentally ill, rang the gp who asked a series of questions to see if I were at risk of suicide. I had a complete personality change.
My OH asked if I was menopausal and it was world war three!
In my calmer moments I thought it was the menopause but I didn't want to admit it so I'd approach this gently, get your Dsis on her own, say your concerned, this is coming from a place of love, say you've seen some changes in her personality, does she want to discuss anything, is she worried about anything, you want to help her. Drop menopause into the conversation (I felt I was being dismissed, my very real to me feelings, "oh you're probably going through the menopause")
I wish I'd had a sister that cared like you do.
Fwiw, HRT sorted me right out ❤️

@MadameMonk

If you address this as her being unreasonable, cross or nit-picking then it certainly won’t go well. Unless you’re a martyr hoping that she’ll unleash on you?

Check with yourself what your goal is? To help her out of love and worry for her, or somehow stand up for her family members instead? Frankly how her marriage or their parenting dynamics is set up really isn’t your business. No one is asking you to step in. You don’t know what is really going on between them at home.

If your love for her is motivating you, then sit her down and say you’re worried, that you notice she’s increasingly stressed and seems upset. Listen, then help her gently untangle the causes (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc). Then help her find help if she seems willing- a counsellor, GP visit to scope hormones or medications, self-care plan, etc. Let her know you’re there for her.

And equally, if she indicates for you to back off, then do that.

^^ this.

Hormones aren't an excuse for being a complete bitch. Yeah it may affect her moods or the way she acts but she's an adult - she doesn't get away with nasty behaviour because of it.

I would speak to her and ask if everything's ok.

@RedHelenB

Sounds like she's being abusive to me. I doubt she will want to hear that from you though. Good luck breaching the subject.

Yes it’s abuse. Disappointed to see it being justified and minimised

You are probably one of the only people that can step in and with love and honestly ask her to open up as to why she seems so stressed, and offer support.

Having teens, being constantly tired and being stressed/anxious can cause exactly the behaviour you describe, nit picking is a sign that is struggling to manage. It may be the menopause, it may also be anxiety and/or other mental illness. Anger is really sadness underneath. What is making her so sad? Start there. I hope she tells you, I think there is much more to this than meets the eye.

You don't know what's going on behind the scenes. I think most couples are finding things pretty stressful after being forced to spend more time together because of lockdown. Then it could be the menopause/hormones etc.

My marriage went through an absolute shit show recently and to the outside, depending on the day, I'm sure it looked like DH or I looked like we were being arseholes to each other. But both of us were to blame and neither of us was entirely innocent. So I don't think either of us would have appreciated being told we were to blame. We had gone through a stressful house move and family bereavement, as well as covid and homeschooling. So it was a stressful time.

Definitely approach it as concern for your sister. And be prepared to be told to mind your own business.

I'd be wary of mentioning her husband and perhaps start with asking how she was because she seemed very tetchy most of the time and you thought her children had picked up on it/were beginning to think this was normal?

I would phrase it as 'You seem a bit down' rather than 'why are you nitpicking and angry'.

* Yes it’s abuse. Disappointed to see it being justified and minimised*

^This. Your sister is being abusive.

@Bluntness100

I’m not sure op. It seems poor behaviour from both of them. There could be way more going on in ghr marriage than you know.

This.

I think sitting down & asking if she's ok, if there's anything going on, giving her the space to talk, could be helpful.

You really don't know what's going on & could be making a judgment without the full facts.

I'm sensitive about this as when I was in my highly abusive marriage, and at breaking point, my sister made a point of saying how much I picked on my H. When I tried to confide in her, she just had no idea, couldn't fathom it, and one of my worst days was her telling me I was 'difficult'. She understands a little more now, many years since it ended, but still has never really got it & her assessment of me / my behaviour with no sense of the wider picture really devastated me.

I'm of course not saying that this is anyway the case with your DSis, but I think giving her a space to talk, without judging her as you are here, might be the way to go.

@RedHelenB

Sounds like she's being abusive to me. I doubt she will want to hear that from you though. Good luck breaching the subject.

And this just gives me the rage 😡

She could be abusive. But no, based on this & what OP has observed, it doesn't 'sound' like she's being abusive.

I was going through absolute hell in my marriage. He nearly destroyed me. But external observers would have seen him as friendly & affable & me as a snappy shrew. They just had no clue.

The rush to judgment is just not right.

Disappointed to see it being justified and minimised

How is it?

OP, and certainly not us, have no way of knowing the full picture until she talks to her DSis.

It's not 'minimising' to say to find out more, and examine a few reasons. It's of course not ok to behave badly towards your spouse but there are a number of reasons that it could be happening, and it's not necessarily abuse.

I suspect menopausal as well. I remember once when we went on holiday with my usually lovely MIL when she was going through menopause....she actually stopped speaking to me for no reason! We were all so scared of her on that trip. And so I really KNEW she wasn't talking to me she would make everyone snacks and stuff and me nothing leaving me so embarrassed I would hide!

@drpet49

* Yes it’s abuse. Disappointed to see it being justified and minimised*

^This. Your sister is being abusive.

I don't think people are justifying it or minimising it. I'll happy admit that DH and I were both abusive to one another at our worst.

What people are saying is that if the OP wades in saying but you're abusive her sister is less likely to respond to that.