To risk my sister’s inevitable anger/upset

[mrsnoodle55]

I can’t decide whether to tell my sister how argumentative and unreasonable she’s become. She constantly hen pecks her husband, who does nothing to stop it; he looks permanently cross and stressed, won’t make any decisions, no matter how trivial, and is no doubt treading on egg shells 24/7.

She’s always been a bit like this, but not to this degree. We have just been away with them and I was startled to witness it; it worries me her kids (early teens) are listening to their non stop bickering and her endless nit picking and learning this is normal behaviour.

I personally have a good relationship with her, she has behaved like this to me occasionally but never to this degree. I can’t decide whether I’m likely to achieve anything by pointing out how unreasonable she has become; and if I do, how to broach it. I know she will be angry, probably upset. But if I don’t raise it with her nobody will.

If you're not too far off in age could you start the conversation about your own menopausal symptoms (even if you have none). So say 'I watched a program about perimenopause recently and it got me thinking if I was in it. I get [insert description of her behaviour]. Are your periods still regular? Have you noticed anything?'

@Level75

Why does OP need to make stuff up? She's her sister. She can just say how are things? Are you ok? ... and lead into a gentle exploration of what's going on.

There is a way of dealing with it.

‘Did you want to talk at all? You don’t seem yourself recently, can I help?’

@Boombadoom

There is a way of dealing with it.

‘Did you want to talk at all? You don’t seem yourself recently, can I help?’

Yes perfect.

I would have valued this so much when things were at their worst for me. No-one wanted to know.

I don’t agree that anger is always sadness underneath. I was furious yesterday with a reckless driver who nearly caused a very serious accident. What on earth had I to feel sad about?

@EarringsandLipstick some people would react a lot better to a problem shared approach than an approach which focuses on one person. OP knows her sister best but if she's seriously worried about how she'll react this, in my view, the gentlest and most risk free approach.

If there wasn't a risk in the 'what's up? You seem to be tetchy' approach I don't think OP would have posted.

There was a drama on Channel Four recently about a woman like this. It was called I am Victoria. www.channel4.com/programmes/i-am/on-demand/70738-001
I found it very telling, uncomfortabe to watch, because I could see something of myself in her. The drama is very sympathetic towards its main character, showing how her behaviour is driven by anxiety,perfectionism and an unprocessed past history with the family she grew up with. But it doesn't pull any punches about how unkind and controlling she is with her husband and children.

Watching it was useful for me because it provided both compassionate understanding of a certain way of behaving, but also a strong warning of how unacceptable and unsustainable the behaviour is in a family.

You are jumping to conclusions here. She might be your sister, but you really have no idea what's going on within the home, the family and the marriage. What you see is the tip of the iceberg.

By all means, take your sister out for the day and see how she is and weather she needs any support, but do it curiously, empathetically and from a place of love, not judgement.

If there wasn't a risk in the 'what's up? You seem to be tetchy'

This is different to asking someone if they want to talk.

I'd react poorly to someone telling me I was tetchy or being casual by saying 'what's up'. It's infuriating.

I feel there is a way of offer DSis a space to talk without having to maybe shit up about menopause symptoms the OP might not have!

Anger is really sadness underneath

Jesus. Would you say that about an abusive husband?

I’m perimenopausal and if I don’t take my soya capsules daily I’m an awful person. Dh completely bemused.

I make sure I don’t run out and I’ll be on hrt soon as I need it.

sara It is nit picking and bickering for goodness sake, do you not think you are overreacting? It is not 'abuse' - the couple sound sick of each other after a long lockdown, and clearly under strain.

The rush to label everything as abuse is damaging to those that are in real violent domestic situations.

it worries me her kids (early teens) are listening to their non stop bickering and her endless nit picking and learning this is normal behaviour

But they don't think it's normal. I grew up with exactly the situation you describe and believe me, we kids never thought it was normal behaviour. Her DC will know it isn't normal, they will just be used to how awful it is.

"DS, I wanted to talk to you because I'm concerned about you", said calmly and with love. Choose a time and place where you won't be disturbed and she can get things off her chest.

I second others who say you never really know what's going on in other people's lives..

My parents bickered all the time. I knew it was not normal but it had an impact on me none the less.
Except since she is always calm with you maybe she has always been this way with her family.

My parents have been like this to each other for sixty-odd years. It's no one else 's business as no one knows what goes on in another person's marriage.

It is almost certainly the menopause / peri-menopause.

I was like this, with no other symptoms. Never had a hot flush and was still getting periods. But terribly moody and argumentative. Affected both my work and family life.

After two weeks on HRT the family arguments stopped almost completely.

Davina McCall did a good documentary on C4 about this recently.

@Cuddlyrottweiler

I think something along the lines of "are you OK sis? You didn't seem yourself." Would be the way to go

This

@Spanielsarepainless

My parents have been like this to each other for sixty-odd years. It's no one else 's business as no one knows what goes on in another person's marriage.

Yes it is other people’s business if they are subjected to experiencing this level of hostility by being in their company. It’s v uncomfortable, confusing but painful to be around negativity even if it isn’t aimed directly at you. It is toxic and is absorbed and internalised by others - who then adapt their own behaviour and walk in egg shells.

It’s ugly and disrespectful to do this is public - even if that public is your own family.

Don’t need to know why they are not picking at each other - that is their business - but if they behave like this around others they need to be informed that it has a v negative impact on the bystanders.

If DS has changed recently then something has changed for her - help her explore that - and solutions to emotionally regulate herself.

Emotional dysregulation which leads to conflict and negative behaviours needs assessing.

The debate of whether it is “abuse” or not can detract. It’s a bit like whether some one is an “alcoholic” or not - it seems extreme - it stops people intervening ….. but the impact on others is the same whatever you call the negative behaviours. Consider an alcoholic a “problem drinker” if it stops the inertia - consider your DS emotionally dysregulated if it’s more comfortable - but you don’t need to call her anytime or give a label to step up - you know in your gut her behavior has changed and is problematic to those around her. Whatever the reason it needs addressing , exploring, resolving in a supportive and non judgmental way.

It is almost certainly the menopause / peri-menopause.

It really may not be.

I hate people making assumptions about what's going on with others.

There are a number of possibilities.

Thank you for all the help and suggestions. My son is still with them and he has said he is never going again as she is so horrible to everyone.

Some great ideas to approach this once they are back.