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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu rude things my husband says in ‘jest’

55 replies

Olzy · 25/08/2021 22:32

So my husband says things in front of our 2 year old son in a (he says) ‘jokey’ manor (banter kind of thing)

Examples ‘mummy smells poowee!’ ‘This is why the house is always a mess as mummy does nothing all day’ etc etc
My son copies him and what he’s saying, ive told him it needs to stop but he says it’s only jokes etc. It’s really starting to get to me and the older my son gets and then more he understands I don’t want him turning into that sort of horrible person😒

OP posts:
RosiePosieDozy · 25/08/2021 22:40

That's emotionally abusive. Doesn't matter how he says it, he's saying and he knows you don't like it.

Do you want to put up with being repeatedly insulted in your own home?

3scape · 25/08/2021 22:40

He sounds a twat. Either he respects you or he doesn't. Jokes don't need to drag anyone down.

Original poster
Olzy · 25/08/2021 22:42

Thank you both. You’ve both said what I already knew.

He’s a decent person, a great dad. But it is abusive and I can’t go on like this. X

OP posts:
trashcansinatra · 25/08/2021 22:44

This is how misogyny traverses generations. Your son will soon be saying the same things about others.

NorthernDramaLlama · 25/08/2021 22:45

Just checking, are you OK? Do you shower and change your clothes regularly? If yes, he's an abusive twit. If not, he's an abusive twit who should be helping you! If you're a stay at home mum and the house is a mess, he should still be helping you.

DysmalRadius · 25/08/2021 22:46

He’s a decent person, a great dad.

He's neither! He's weaponising your son as a way of criticising you. You've told him you don't like it and he's doing it anyway.

Concestor · 25/08/2021 22:47

@Olzy

Thank you both. You’ve both said what I already knew.

He’s a decent person, a great dad. But it is abusive and I can’t go on like this. X

He's not a decent person or a great dad. He's an arsehole. Get him as far away from you and your child as possible.
OatyBarKid · 25/08/2021 22:47

It's not a joke if you're not laughing.

It's bullying behaviour, especially to bring your child in on it too.

It's not okay.

Elieza · 25/08/2021 22:48

I agree with the previous poster. This is not right. He’s putting you down by using your child. He has no respect for you.

He thinks you do nothing all day, so I’m guessing you are a stay at home mum?

Does he treat you like he is the breadwinner and you should be grateful if he gives you any money etc? Do you have to ask for money and does he police what you spend it on?

Does he do anything of an evening with the children or the housework or are you still doing housey stuff even though he’s sat on his arse? ie your working day starts at the same time as each other but his finishes at tea time but yours just keeps going?

OatyBarKid · 25/08/2021 22:49

He’s a decent person, a great dad. But it is abusive and I can’t go on like this. X

He's not, he's not, he is, and you shouldn't have to.

ANameChangeAgain · 25/08/2021 22:49

He's a dick. Sorry. A decent person and great dad wouldn't talk to a child about his mother like that. He needs to save his childish "banter" for his mates in the pub.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/08/2021 22:53

Do some of those kind of “jokes” back at him. Oh look at lazy daddy on the sofa. Oh daddy’s legs are broken he can’t even carry his cup through…

thistimelastweek · 25/08/2021 22:54

He's not a decent person. No decent person makes fun at the expense of another . Even less at the expense of a loved one.

So what's his game? Why would he belittle the mother of his child? Whatever it is It's not a healthy joke.

Craftycorvid · 25/08/2021 22:54

Not a decent person. Not a great dad.

A prize c*nt.

Chloemol · 25/08/2021 23:05

Sorry but
He’s a decent person, a great dad. But it is abusive and I can’t go on like this. X

Why do you think this? He is not a decent person he is abusive, he is not a great dads he is teaching his child to be abusive

MadameMonk · 25/08/2021 23:17

Reminds me of the menacing ‘jokes’ that the husband character Charlie Havistock keeps on at his wife Alice in the series Indian Summers (S2).

It’s gaslighting, and weaponising your child against you. I’d be putting my foot down very firmly on it. Call it out every single time (in another room to your child).

I’d say ‘I know you’re in the habit of doing it, and it’ll take a bit of time to break it. But the third time I have to hear this vile nonsense I’ll be booking us in to couples therapy so you can explain how ‘funny’ it is to an independent trained stranger. Got it?’

And I’d follow through 100%. It isn’t going to stop, and he’s not going to admit the angry undercurrent in it until someone makes him.

I can’t abide cowardly behaviour, people who won’t do the introspection to see that they are angry/frustrated and then punish others in slimy underhand ways. It’s dishonest, weak and cowardly, and I’d call it out as such. Bet your DH won’t like the sound (or the sting) of words like that?

Jennybeans401 · 26/08/2021 05:34

He sounds awful! It sounds abusive behaviour, I hope you can see this.

Goneblank38 · 26/08/2021 09:37

Not decent and not great. He's a bully. Using your child like this is also really damaging for your son.

KatherineJaneway · 26/08/2021 09:58

He’s a decent person, a great dad.

No he is not!

Shoxfordian · 26/08/2021 10:06

He’s not great as it upsets you and he keeps doing it

Maassi · 26/08/2021 10:11

Decent person is NOT abusive. Hes a disrespectful wanker that thinks he's getting away with it. And he is.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 10:13

He’s a decent person, a great dad.

Why do you think that a man teaching a boy to say abusive things to a woman is a good dad?

Why do you think a man who says abusive things to a woman is a decent person?

I cannot believe the frequency the 'he's a good dad' comment is made on here about utter arseholes. Usually misogynist bullies like this prick.

knittingaddict · 26/08/2021 10:14

No, no, no, you've got this all wrong. Men who abuse their partners are NEVER good men or good fathers. They are the very opposite of that.

Look at it this way, he is teaching your child to be an abuser just like him. Do you want that for him and his future partner and his children(your grandchildren)? It takes courage, but the cycle of abuse needs to be broken and you can do that.

I would strongly suggest phoning Womens Aid. They will listen to what you have to say and advise you on what to do next. Hope you get the help you need because it is out there and you are not alone.

Mischance · 26/08/2021 10:16

I spent my whole childhood with parents who did this - basically using us children as a conduit for their sniping. I do not have the words to tell you how awful it was, and I could not wait to leave home.

"Go and tell your father his lunch is ready."
"Dad, Mum says your lunch is ready."
"Go and tell your mother that if she wants to tell me lunch is ready she can tell me herself." ........... and so on ad nauseam.

How do you make him stop? I have no idea. He will just accuse you of having no sense of humour. Maybe you could appeal to his desire to make his child happy.

Pinkbonbon · 26/08/2021 10:16

You cant be a decent person and an abuser. You can be an abuser who sometimes ACTS decent ('the cycle of abuse'). But that's not actually a decent person. Definately get yourself out of there. Its so damaging for a young boy to see his mother abused. Well done for recognising what is going on!