Aibu rude things my husband says in ‘jest’

[Olzy]

So my husband says things in front of our 2 year old son in a (he says) ‘jokey’ manor (banter kind of thing)

Examples ‘mummy smells poowee!’ ‘This is why the house is always a mess as mummy does nothing all day’ etc etc
My son copies him and what he’s saying, ive told him it needs to stop but he says it’s only jokes etc. It’s really starting to get to me and the older my son gets and then more he understands I don’t want him turning into that sort of horrible person😒

Or you could hop it.

This is passive aggressive. A good man, if he had a problem, would talk to you about it directly. Instead, he makes digs.

Why are you saying he’s a decent person and a great dad? He is insulting you and damaging his child with his horrible comments.

He’s a twat
It’s not funny and people who say awful things then blame their victim for not having a sense of humour will all be executed when I am in charge of the world.
Dragging your child into it is an extra level of twatishness

No he's not a decent man

When I told DS off for something and he said "oh go and take your pills" copying ExH, I knew it was time to leave. (I had PND, a small baby and DS was 6 years old)

It's only a joke if everyone thinks it's funny. You don't so it's not a joke it's bullying behaviour designed to bring your self esteem down and put you down in front your child.
Tell him how serious it is and that if he doesn't grow up you'll have to leave.

He’s a decent person, a great dad. But it is abusive

Decent people and great dads aren't abusive! Not being abusive is a pretty crucial element of decency and greatness!

He's horrible, misogynistic, bullying and raising your son in his own image. Do not put up with it and do not imagine that allowing this behaviour, or describing him as wonderful, is in any way moral or desirable. There's nothing good about enabling people to be horrible.

He’s a decent person, a great dad. But it is abusive and I can’t go on like this

Those sentences don't belong together. What does a "great Dad" mean to you?

I suggest you look at this book. It's really helpful www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=asc_df_0425191656/?hvlocphy=1007326&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310834580283&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-433820743808&hvrand=6551998383140424298

@Olzy

Thank you both. You’ve both said what I already knew.

He’s a decent person, a great dad. But it is abusive and I can’t go on like this. X

He is neither of those things. He is teaching your child to hate you.

Great dads don’t treat the mother of their child like crap. He doesn’t like you.

That’s not ok at all. Awful man, not remotely funny and to start training your son to do the same is despicable. I wouldn’t stay with someone who spoke about me like that.

They're always 'great dads' Does he don anything else to make you feel crap?

“It’s only a joke” is a classic excuse used by abusers so their victim (that’s you @Olzy) will accept the abuse without complaints.

Your husband isn’t a decent person or a great dad. He’s a nasty abusive bully, and an appalling role model for your son. He won’t change, except to get worse, so you face a miserable life if you decide to stay with him.

Choose a better life, leave him as soon as you can.

That's plain nasty. Stupid abusive prick.

I’d say to your kid, isn’t daddy being a dickhead again slagging mummy off!

@Olzy

Thank you both. You’ve both said what I already knew.

He’s a decent person, a great dad. But it is abusive and I can’t go on like this. X

He's not a decent person or a great Dad if he does this. You're right, you can't go on like this. I'm sorry, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

@Chickychickydodah

I’d say to your kid, isn’t daddy being a dickhead again slagging mummy off!

Tempting, but not a good scene to have in front of the child.

I'd suggest: "Why do you say things like that when you know they hurt my feelings? It's very unkind and not the way we should treat people." Remove yourself and the child from the room if he doesn't stop...and consider longer term removal if it doesn't stop, because this is unloving, cruel and nasty.

You say joke, I say nasty and upsetting. My friends all agree (they never like to think of other people hearing them be like this, it’s just for you as you don’t count, and they do know it’s nasty so don’t want others to know.) stop saying things that you know upset me. And follow up with this posters suggestion:

*I’d say ‘I know you’re in the habit of doing it, and it’ll take a bit of time to break it. But the next time I have to hear this vile nonsense I’ll be booking us in to couples therapy so you can explain how ‘funny’ it is to an independent trained stranger. Got it?’

He is NOT a great dad. He is NOT. Please stop thinking of him as such.

A great dad does not constantly undermine, belittle and upset the mother of their children.

My ex used to do this. ‘Oh mummy is so silly she forgot X again’. My toddler then started saying ‘silly mummy’. I realised I didn’t want her growing up in an environment where her mother was constantly belittled and this was seen as the norm.

One of the many reasons I left.

Put your foot very firmly down on this one. I know several people (now adults) who were subjected to a dynamic like this when they were children and it permanently affected them. That sounds dramatic but you can literally tell (ime) who went through this as a kid. It will also completely erode your self esteem. I would genuinely leave if that continued after a very strong warning. Good luck.

He’s an absolute shit dad! He’s literally encouraging your son to be abusive!

Your husband is not joking, he is demeaning you on purpose, and FFS, stop with the "he's a great guy* bullshit. There is nothing great about him. He slags off his child's mother right to the child's face, that's a great guy? I would be leaving him.

He's not being a decent person

A once-in-a-blue-moon joke about being stinky would be just that - a joke. But that's not what's going on here, is it?

@notanothertakeaway has it spot on with:

He’s a decent person, a great dad. But it is abusive and I can’t go on like this.