AIBU over late child maintenance?

[Mumtoone3]

Me and ex don’t get along, history of domestic abuse, he still is very mentally and verbally abusive even though we’ve been separated for years now, have 1 DD together.

He pays maintenance, however is always difficult about it - e.g. he gets paid every Thursday but will make me wait 3-4 days after his pay day on purpose and for no reason (I think it’s just to give him some financial control over me because that’s the only control he has now imo and knowing him).

I asked him last week if I could actually have some of DD’s money on his pay day rather than having to wait because we was going out to do school shopping (uniform, coat, shoes etc) and he said no he wasn’t going to do that and made a big fuss about the pay date being 25th and that’s when he was going to pay it and not a moment sooner.

Fast forward to today, he now has problems with his pay and hasn’t got the money and wants me to wait another few days until he sorts it… AIBU to tell him to piss right off and to sort out alternative arrangements to pay it when he is supposed to?!

If he was a decent human being I wouldn’t mind, but he treats me like shit 99% of the time, tells me he hates me constantly… yet wants me to be understanding and to help him out…

He has a partner who shares finances with him yet he said it’s not her problem to cover child maintenance which is fine, but I don’t think his pay issues are my problem either and I shouldn’t have to accommodate this?

I would actually say at this point to just take it through csa so he doesn’t have that control over you anymore.

Yeah go through the CMS as pp said. My ex does this. He's meant to pay (a measly £30 a month for 3 kids) on the 19th but always waits until the morning of the 20th, as that's the last bit of control he has over me.

You can say what you like really, but there's nothing you can do if he makes you wait, is there?

Can you not suggest a direct debit so you two don't have to discuss money again?

Yes, go through Child Maintenance Options OP. He’ll continue to do this otherwise.

Yes I too would go to the CSA and ask for it to be deducted directly. Tell them you are having problems getting it out of him. Bet he earns more than he's telling you too!

I think I will have to go through CSA - I didn’t realise they can deduct it straight out of his wages?! And yes I bet too, because I know it’s meant to be calculated before NI and tax and I don’t think he does this, and he has before taken out his own costs and bills and just paid me based on what he had left x

I’d agree csa so he loses the control but would warn it can still have a delay, at least mine did 10 yr ago, but if it gets deducted straight from his wages he can’t play pathetic games

Go through CSA.

@WorraLiberty

You can say what you like really, but there's nothing you can do if he makes you wait, is there?

Can you not suggest a direct debit so you two don't have to discuss money again?

Ha good one Seriously, just go through the formal channels. It won't improve

I think you've given him power by asking for it on time when you know what he's like.

Next time, keep quiet.

Just call CMS. I really dont understand why you didnt do this the first time he messed around with payments. They used to be open till 8pm so call them now and see.

CSA are no more, they were rebranded CMS a number of years ago.
Sounds like you need to swipe the control from his hands, open a case with CMS. If he continues to piss around like this whilst payments are made through them then you can request collect and pay...it'll cost him an extra 20% for the joy of being such a bellend (it will cost you 3% but small price to pay I'd say). Just be aware that CMS can't back date payments to before the case was opened so do it soon.
I don't often recommend doing this as my DH was nearly driven to homelessness and suicide by fictitious arrears (this is a huge problem) however your ex isn't exactly painting himself in the best light and clearly can't be trusted.

@WorraLiberty

I'm guessing you dont actually know what standing orders or direct debits are.

A direct debut is set up by a business when you give them your account details. They set the payment date and payment amount and take the money. The OP, as an individual, cannot do this to her partner.

A standing order is set up by an individual to make payments, but they control the date and the amount. If he sets up a standing order, he can alter the amount and the date every month if he wants or he can cancel it. The OP has no control.

Csa can deduct possible for a fee

CSA dont exist anymore.

It is CMS.

They will set it up and give him a payment plan with the amount he owes and date he needs to pay. He can oay within 5 working days of that date, so in your own head, settle that it will be a week late.

If he is any later than that, or doesn't pay or pays less, then you call them back and they can move him to collect and pay where they take it from him and give it to you. He will need to pay 20% more and they keep that and they also take a few percent from you.

When you call to open a case, they will encourage you to do a private arrangement. Tell them no. Tell them you have tried that and now need to open a case.

Can we all just take a moment to appreciate how much knowledge @TheWoleb has.

Thank you so much for your corrections on this thread. I really wouldn't have understood what PP had meant without them...

@AnonymousCheerleader

Take your snipe and go somewhere else. Every thread on here about child maintenance ends up with bad information or completely wrong advice. When it's actually quite important that the OP understands how it works and what to do then yea, I will correct it. For months there was a lawyer on here giving out the same incorrect information no matter how many times she was corrected until she finally went and looked it up for herself.

Getting CMS to do their job can be difficult. It is not helped when someone asks for advice and people say things which are totally incorrect.

My ex did this. Exactly the same. He'd get paid and make me wait/ask for the money. He would never have set a direct debit up. It was his last way to exert control. I eventually snapped and was going to approach the CMS but he got fired and I haven't had a penny for years.

CMS

This

CMS all the way

Lol at go to the CSA.

They are utterly toothless. My ex has a deduction of earnings order against him. And every month they write to me and “sorry we didn’t get the money we were suppose to, we will demand Mr X pays it”. Which makes no difference at all and then next month they send me the same letter. He’s at nearly 6k debt now!

CMS won't do anything if he pays a couple of days late. They always give them time anyway before they chase it. It takes a prolific non payer before they consider escalating anything, few days wouldn't even register. As much use as a chocolate fire guard- I'd not give your self the stress personally. Awful experience dealing with them!

Go to CMS and they will deal with it for you BUT like others have said he can still mess you around. They will give him extra time to pay and will chase him eventually, maybe, if it's easy enough for them. But they do have a bit more clout than you do on your own. Good luck OP, I've been there with my XDP and more often than not he pays on time now.

Just go through Cms.