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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over late child maintenance?

47 replies

Mumtoone3 · 25/08/2021 17:59

Me and ex don’t get along, history of domestic abuse, he still is very mentally and verbally abusive even though we’ve been separated for years now, have 1 DD together.

He pays maintenance, however is always difficult about it - e.g. he gets paid every Thursday but will make me wait 3-4 days after his pay day on purpose and for no reason (I think it’s just to give him some financial control over me because that’s the only control he has now imo and knowing him).

I asked him last week if I could actually have some of DD’s money on his pay day rather than having to wait because we was going out to do school shopping (uniform, coat, shoes etc) and he said no he wasn’t going to do that and made a big fuss about the pay date being 25th and that’s when he was going to pay it and not a moment sooner.

Fast forward to today, he now has problems with his pay and hasn’t got the money and wants me to wait another few days until he sorts it… AIBU to tell him to piss right off and to sort out alternative arrangements to pay it when he is supposed to?!

If he was a decent human being I wouldn’t mind, but he treats me like shit 99% of the time, tells me he hates me constantly… yet wants me to be understanding and to help him out…

He has a partner who shares finances with him yet he said it’s not her problem to cover child maintenance which is fine, but I don’t think his pay issues are my problem either and I shouldn’t have to accommodate this?

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/08/2021 18:48

You can go through cms but they'll still give him a date a few days after pay day and unless he agrees or misses the pay date they set they won't take it directly

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/08/2021 18:48

I'd still go through cms though. Takes away his choice of pay date too

MrsRobbieHart · 25/08/2021 18:51

Yes- like everyone else said- go through CMS.

But also- every time you let him know this bothers you he gets a little kick. You realise that? If his intention is to have control over you then you are letting him know he has it. Stop letting him know. Say nothing when he is late with child support. Don’t tell him you’re going to CMS and don’t engage with him about it when he complains that they’ve gotten in touch with him. Only discuss it with CMS. He has had his chance to talk to you properly about it and he abused the power he had. Too late for taking now. Regain your control.

EL8888 · 25/08/2021 18:58

Another vote for CMS and don’t discuss it with him. He’s had his chances and he’s blown it

BoredZelda · 25/08/2021 19:10

Can we all just take a moment to appreciate how much knowledge @TheWoleb has.

😆 We’re not worthy. 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️

ChickpeaCrunch · 25/08/2021 19:16

@TheWoleb

CSA dont exist anymore.

It is CMS.

They will set it up and give him a payment plan with the amount he owes and date he needs to pay. He can oay within 5 working days of that date, so in your own head, settle that it will be a week late.

If he is any later than that, or doesn't pay or pays less, then you call them back and they can move him to collect and pay where they take it from him and give it to you. He will need to pay 20% more and they keep that and they also take a few percent from you.

When you call to open a case, they will encourage you to do a private arrangement. Tell them no. Tell them you have tried that and now need to open a case.

Thanks this is really handy, I've got a friend in a similar situation so will pass this on.

OP, forget about his girlfriend's income, they won't touch that.

liveforsummer · 25/08/2021 21:19

Assuming all these people advising CMS have absolutely zero experience with the service?! For a start they'd happily bow down to a few days later than pay day payment if that's what suits. They'd never chase a payment that was a few days late providing it was paid. The stress involved in dealing with them and their false promises that amount to zero (and you pay for the privilege) is absolutely not worth it in any case where the man eventually pays something

TheWoleb · 25/08/2021 21:45

@liveforsummer

Assuming all these people advising CMS have absolutely zero experience with the service?! For a start they'd happily bow down to a few days later than pay day payment if that's what suits. They'd never chase a payment that was a few days late providing it was paid. The stress involved in dealing with them and their false promises that amount to zero (and you pay for the privilege) is absolutely not worth it in any case where the man eventually pays something
Pretty sure that's exactly what I told the OP. They give 5 working days for payment. So whatever date is on the payment plan, add a week and expect the payment then. If he doesn't pay, you call them up.

I've been using them for years; started CSA then moved over to CMS. When my ex stopped paying, they moved to collect and pay.

You do have to push them. You have to stay on them. But quite often, just having the case open and the letters sent out makes the other parent pay. It is worth it to see if he will start paying regularly with a set amount. If not, she is no worse off.

Spongeboob · 25/08/2021 22:51

CMS. Start the case ASAP and keep pushing them (they're a pain in the arse but they will deduct eventually).

HowdyMik · 25/08/2021 23:01

Unfortunately OP, what can you do? You can tell him to piss right off all you like but what can you actually do if he doesn't pay it on time? It's fucking shit, the whole system, but there isn't anything you can do if he pays late.

He has a partner who shares finances with him yet he said it’s not her problem to cover child maintenance

He's right about this, it's nothing to do with his partner or her finances. I wouldn't even attempt to go there.

3scape · 25/08/2021 23:18

I have a lot of sympathy. My ex has not paid me for this and last month as he "wasn't working" even though his payments are based on his base rate wage (across the year) and he took a month off working in his own company - he took holiday basically. He didn't warn me and seemed appalled that I then had a budget issue.

But I'm ok with not getting a payment on his payday,. As I (did) just work to that date for planning any specific spending.
It's the complete lack of warning or a date to work to which shows the lack of responsibility, respect and pure enjoyment in these power trips.

liveforsummer · 26/08/2021 05:27

You do have to push them. You have to stay on them. But quite often, just having the case open and the letters sent out makes the other parent pay. It is worth it to see if he will start paying regularly with a set amount. If not, she is no worse off.

As far as I can gather he does pay a set amount regularly, just a few days later than op would like . CMS would be perfectly happy to accept a date a few days after pay day every month as a set date which seems the main problem and paying late on occasion with excuses about problems with pay wouldn't be a problem either. As you say they give a week before they even chase it then allow 2 weeks to respond. As long as he eventually paid each month then they'd never bother escalating- what OP's ex does is shot for her but he's a model payer in the eyes of CMS. It took nearly 2 years of not a penny and £7000 arrears (which they later wiped) before they put in a deduction of earnings and my story is far from rare. The stress of dealing with them is the reason I don't even bother anymore. Plus it does actually cost money to set up a claim too. It was £20 when I did mine, not sure if it's gone up now.

liveforsummer · 26/08/2021 05:28

@Spongeboob

CMS. Start the case ASAP and keep pushing them (they're a pain in the arse but they will deduct eventually).
Why would they deduct. They only do that after months or years if someone doesn't pay. They do absolutely nothing for someone who pays a few days late. In fact they'd happily allow a payment date a few days after pay day
Onlinedilema · 26/08/2021 05:40

I'm going to echo that the CMS are crap.
They allowed my ex 3 months to set up a direct debit. So 3 months without child maintenance and then took over 12 months to sort out seduction of earnings.
However in your case it might be worth it as you will never have to speak to your ex.

araiwa · 26/08/2021 05:48

Tell him you need money on 20th

HollyBollyBooBoo · 26/08/2021 05:53

Huge sympathy as my ex was the same. Loved Facetiming me from a fancy hotel to tell me he wasn't sending any money this month.

Whilst CMS is the right advice, can I also add just stop playing his game. He's getting a thrill out of seeing you upset and frustrated. Stop showing that emotion and maybe he'll grow tired of provoking you.

BlindMedusa · 26/08/2021 06:39

Also with the cms he doesn't actually have to pay the amount they set for the non resident parent. So long as the figure he pays is roughly around what they work out. So for three months he could pay £10 less then make a payment on the 4th month with the missing money or almost all of it, they don't count it as arrears.

Also if he goes to them and says he has a "change of circumstances" that can take up to 12 weeks for them to investigate before they make a reconsideration during which time you won't receive any money.

If he is put on a deduction of earnings order or collect and pay for the first time it's only for 6 months as a probation period then he goes back on to direct pay until he doesn't pay again. Then they'll move him to collect and pay. They dont see missing payments as a one off he'll need to not pay for 3 months or more. Even with missing a collect and pay they send out a letter and make a phone call and thats it for 6 weeks.

The cms has a lot of loopholes and even though they write strongly worded letters making claims of taking passports, driving licences and even court action they very rarely do.

However the cms may be your best option as it will at least take control away from him even if you don't see the results you want or expect.

At least this has all happened with my experience with them. Still I'd rather be with them than not.

liveforsummer · 26/08/2021 06:49

The cms has a lot of loopholes and even though they write strongly worded letters making claims of taking passports, driving licences and even court action they very rarely do.

I was on a CMS advice page for a long time. (Come of it now as it was so frustrating reading multiple daily stories of how utterly shocking they, and the non paying parent, were) I e never heard of a single situation where a passport or licence has actually been take . Some with arrears in to 10's or 20 thousand pounds. Usually they just eventually say they can do no more and close the cases.

Perhaps CMS is still right for you but for the OP's personal problem, a CMS claim won't change the issue she is complaining about. Only helpful thing might be if he does stop paying completely she'll be a few weeks ahead in what can be a very long process

TheWoleb · 26/08/2021 08:25

@liveforsummer

But she said that he sometimes calculates it on his pay after tax and pension, and sometimes even after his spending that month. So she is getting a smaller amount that the legal minimum.

TheWoleb · 26/08/2021 08:27

@Onlinedilema

They wouldn't have given him any time at all to set up a direct debit. It isnt possible.

They would have asked him to set up a standing order. Financial literacy on this site is shocking.

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 27/08/2021 10:02

It wouldn't matter if the payment was changed to a few days later to suit him, he would then change it anyway by paying later still.
It's not about him having the funds or being a bit shit
It's about controlling the OP, finding any way he can to cause stress and make her communicate with him.
I'm experiencing the same right now. CMS aren't moving quickly but it's removed me having to talk to him about it at all and I don't care if they say he only has to pay the basic, being able to take some of his control away from me is priceless.
It's like they want to make you dance for the money they think they're giving you. It's beyond his comprehension that it's not for him.
It's not about the kids it's a out doing anything to cause OP stress, any way possible.

Onlinedilema · 27/08/2021 12:36

Op- as an aside I would stop all unnecessary communication with your ex.
Stop discussing things.
Leave him to it when he has your child, hard as it might be and don’t get into any discussions at all with him that you don’t have to.

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