Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to balance 'too old to care about others' and 'doing the right thing'

36 replies

Imtoooldforallthis · 25/08/2021 13:21

Just mulling things over this afternoon and wondered what other people do. I often see on mumsnet people saying they have got to a stage in life where they don't do anything they don't want to. I do so much that I wouldnt do by choice. I do a lot for my elderly DM, help out my adult dc, host a relative whose company I really don't enjoy but it would seem extremely rude not to, do some people really stop doing these sort of things?

OP posts:
shouldistop · 25/08/2021 13:24

I don't know anyone who doesn't do anything they don't want to and I would find that selfish tbh.
You need to balance it with time for yourself too though.

Bigpjbottoms282 · 25/08/2021 13:27

I would always help out my DM and DC but I've definitely reached a point where I'm saying no to people who I feel have used me over the years. I also say no to a lot more social things that I just don't enjoy. In the past I'd have pushed myself to go but not anymore.

PyjamaFan · 25/08/2021 13:28

I won't spend time with 'friends ' who I don't like or are unkind/overly critical/only talk about how rich they are anymore. Inalso won't go out of my way or spend lots on events that I'm not interested in. This has definitely come with age and increased confidence for me.

Quickchangeartiste · 25/08/2021 13:30

I am working on the balance. I do things I would rather not do at times, mostly for my elderly MIL and family, but I am getting better at saying No, or that’s too much for me, before we get to a point where I get frustrated or resentful.
I don’t know anyone who really does not care.

gamerchick · 25/08/2021 13:31

We all do stuff we don't want to do but personally I don't feel obliged.

Family/parents I don't bother with them. They bring nothing positive to my life so why should I care for them? My adult kids I do more but have told them I won't be doing regular childcare if they choose to have them, just as I won't be having them care for me in my elderly years.

Once you start it's difficult to stop but on your shoes, I'd stop the hosting of relative if you don't enjoy it.

queenMab99 · 25/08/2021 13:35

I don't do anything I don't want to, just to please other people, but when it came to caring for my mother, I did what was needed, because I loved her, and although it was not always how i wanted to spend my spare time, especially when i worked full time I did it. I enjoy having a relationship with my grandchildren, over all, but if I felt it was too much for me to look after them, I would say so.
I would not attend social events or dress in a certain way to please others, or because it was the 'thing to do'.
I walk my dog every day, because I like having a dog, I may not always want to go out in bad weather but I do, because it is part of having a dog.

Laserbird16 · 25/08/2021 13:36

Maybe it's more accurate to say you know how to invest your time. I feel less obligated to foster friendships with people I don't click with but some relationships like parents and children are very important. Eventhough I may not particularly want to do some tasks the macro goal is I want close relationships with these people.

Bargebill19 · 25/08/2021 13:36

I am beginning to go that way. No family to have to cater for anymore. So I do as I please. I don’t do friends as such, and as I have been badly let down by people in the past am now very reluctant to put myself out for others.
Didn’t used to be that way, but after a few decades of being used you do learnt to say no more.

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 25/08/2021 13:37

The relative is a tricky one, this person does absolutely nothing wrong but is highly annoying but there family live in another country so I feel very much obliged. And although its not very often, it's still too much.

OP posts:
grasstreeleaf · 25/08/2021 13:45

Either decide you want to do what is right or do what is right even when you don't want to. That bit is a no brainer.

Difficulty comes if you find you are enabling other people to not do what is right because you do too much. That is when you are just being taken advantage of, taken for granted. It fosters too much dependent behaviour from them and burn out in you. So then you need to work out what is reasonable. Sometimes it may just involve taking your time in agreeing to help in order for another solution which doesn't involve you to materialise.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 25/08/2021 13:48

MN is all about the talk

Any MNers would leave their husbands instantaneously at smallest disagreement

They would just say “no!” To any request of help as “no” is a complete sentence Grin

In real life I gave not seen much of this

People online are as aggressively selfish as they wish they could be in real life (but are not)

Well, that’s my opinion ano

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 25/08/2021 13:55

I would love to be able to say no, but in all honesty I couldn't do it, I do have time for myself but I'm at the age where I feel responsible for my elderly mum

OP posts:
Frodogo · 25/08/2021 13:57

For me, it depends on whether or not I love the person. I would help my mother and daughter or anyone else I love because I love them and feel a sense of loyalty and duty to them.

A relative who annoys me... Eh... I'd endure them occasionally, especially if I knew that it would hurt someone I love if I didn't, but I'd be looking for excuses to limit contact (politely but resolutely) and finding ways to mitigate whatever it is about them that I find annoying.

MrsToadlike · 25/08/2021 14:13

I've noticed since having DC that I am a lot pickier and assertive about how I spend my time, who with etc. I'm also a lot clearer in my head about who I enjoy being with and how I enjoy spending my time. And before DC I was more of a people pleaser for sure.

I think this change comes partly from age and confidence, but also partly being a part-time working mum and therefore having less free time. And ultimately any free time I have I want to spend with my DC, so I wouldn't class myself as selfish because ultimately my DC number 1 priority in my life.

But my parents aren't elderly yet, so I'm not in the sandwich generation (yet). I don't know what I will do. I remember my father in particular beind wonderful with my late grandparents, especially when they got frail in the last couple of years of their lives. I would hope I would treat my parents with the same dignity and respect he treated his with.

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 25/08/2021 14:16

Yes I am definately the sandwich generation at the moment, I love all my family and most of the time I'm happy to do anything for them. I think with the elderly parents it's a case of I don't feel I can leave them for very long, so my dreams of travelling for a month at a time will not happen. By the time I can I'll probably have my own health issues.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/08/2021 14:22

Is there any option of paying (you or DM) for help which would relieve you? Meals/cleaning/care? Or is it just that you feel obligated to visit frequently?

leavesthataregreen · 25/08/2021 14:36

I think you have to find a balance. I felt absolutely run ragged for a few years, helping out elderly parents who lived an hour away, helping SEN DS and unemployed DH while holding down a job myself too. I had to take a step back. I dropped all community volunteering except the stuff that took a few days a year. I let DH take over all the shopping and cooking and taxiing of DC while I still did cleaning and laundry. Now DC are uni-age I am training myself not to interfere with their lives and do too much for them, so that a bit of free time opens up for me to do what I want.

Wolfiefan · 25/08/2021 14:38

If it’s too much then you say no. You won’t be able to do it any more. It’s very noble to put other people first but who will run to your aid when it breaks you? Do what you’re willing/able to do. No more.

Tal45 · 25/08/2021 14:39

So basically your parents are preventing you from fulfilling your dreams?? I'd be horrified if I was having that impact on my kids. Go do it now OP, they are only going to get more and more demanding and you deserve to live your own life first. I would bet that a lot of it is just down you you feeling guilty rather than them not coping, don't let yourself use it as an excuse, they are adults they will find a way to manage. The more you do the more they will expect and come to rely on you, let them work it out for themselves, they managed to raise you and survive the last 70 or whatever years, I doubt the world will fall apart for them because you go off for a wonderful month. If they are any sort of decent parents they would never want to hold you back like that.

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 25/08/2021 14:45

I don't do any cleaning or personal care but I do visit every day, she would seriously deteriorate. Not good on phone or technology now so that not an option.

OP posts:
HollyGrail · 25/08/2021 20:10

Can you get the relative to do something you enjoy with you. Such as going for a swim or an art gallery - that might make it more bearable.
With parents it's very hard. In The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner she asks if your DM devoted her time to caring for her DPs. In which case she might expect you to do the same. But it's surprising how often that isn't the case yet it's still assumed you will.

Mary46 · 25/08/2021 20:15

We got told a duty to elderly. She narcissistic Im v low contact (mother) Im saying no more now. It got to be take take with people and family. She fights with neighbours too

chocolatemademefat · 26/08/2021 18:06

I looked after my husband for two years before he died and now I find my family expect me to do the same for my mother. I’ve never had a good relationship with her and don’t want to look after her. I still do a lot for her because my conscience doesn’t allow me not to help but I hate the expectation because I’m on my own now that I’m the one with time to do it.

We’re not all cut out to be carers. My mother could well afford to pay for help but refuses. Her opinion is why should she when her family are entitled to look after her. The problem is her family deem that to be me.

Mushtullo · 26/08/2021 18:09

You can say no. You are choosing not to.

Cameleongirl · 26/08/2021 18:22

It’s such a difficult situation to be in.

A couple things that have occurred to me: could your adult DC occasionally visit your Mum to give you a break, perhaps on a Saturday/Sunday?

You mention that you help out your adult DC as well. Obviously you want to be supportive, but is there anything you could cut down on so that you have more time, without making life too difficult for them? I’m assuming you help them in practical ways that take up your time.

Presumably your Mum is currently most in need of your help and I’m assuming that your DC are NT.

We only live once, OP, so you must do some things that you want to, as well as helping others.💐