Page 2 | How to balance 'too old to care about others' and 'doing the right thing'

GoWalkabout · 26/08/2021 18:45

There are lots of annoying people in the world with no local family, they are not your responsibility. Reduce the frequency or stop as you wish. You must not put your dreams on hold for mum and then find you are too old to do them. Arrange some others to visit or some home care while you take a trip - a few days first, then longer.

HollyGrail · 27/08/2021 06:58

I think you have to expect that no matter how much you do for an elderly parent some people will think it's not enough. I remember pushing dM around in her wheelchair to get her to the shops (mostly she wanted to shop) - she wasn't overweight but still heavy - fighting to get it up a step, pushing up hill. Everyone we met was soooo pleased to see her looking so well, enjoying a day out - never a comment for me with aching arms and sweat on my forehead - I felt the congratulations and encouragement should have gone to me
You just have to toughen up and not care what others say.

phishy · 27/08/2021 07:01

@Imtoooldforallthis

The relative is a tricky one, this person does absolutely nothing wrong but is highly annoying but there family live in another country so I feel very much obliged. And although its not very often, it's still too much.

Honestly, you need to start saying no.

Why do you feel so obliged, they are not your responsibility? They are taking advantage of you.

Do you cook and clean after them?

Brefugee · 27/08/2021 07:10

I don't know anyone who doesn't do anything they don't want to and I would find that selfish tbh.
You need to balance it with time for yourself too though.

It would be selfish to constantly/always put yourself first but it isn't selfish to put yourself first in situations where there is no obligation (looking after your own non-adult DC, looking after a pet you have taken on, reasonable or contractual obligations that you have taken on).

I am at the age where i do what i please. Sometimes that involves doing things with DH that i don't particularly enjoy but he loves: what pleases me there is my DH being happy.
There are certain bands that bore me to tears with their guitarry noodling and 24 hour drum solos (may in reality be shorter) so i have absolutely no problem, these days saying "nope" whereas much earlier in our marriage i went because he loves those bands.

I don't spend time with people i don't like one-on-one, if they are part of a wider circle and they are there, i don'T mind but don't go out of my way to spend more than a few seconds saying hello and goodbye.

I would literally crawl over hot coals to help my DC, DH and my mum. Because i love them and their happiness matters to me. Most other people: meh. People i don't like don't even get the steam off my piss.

And so on. TBH it only took me until my early 30s to adopt this attitude.

HasaDigaEebowai · 27/08/2021 07:12

I’m not yet 50 but I’m at a stage where I’m confident enough in myself to back away from people who drain me (including my own parents sadly) and have deliberately stopped spending as much time with friends who are fake.

With my parents it makes me very sad but they no longer feel like my safe place. They are very stuck in their ways and are in their own way doing what this thread advocates by spending all their time travelling or doting on only one of their six grandchildren and they show no interest in me other than to go through the motions and so it cuts both ways now.

I’ve always been a very confident person but this has definitely come with age. It can be a bit isolating though since everyone else is still desperately running around trying to keep up with the Joneses.

AllhailTomnook · 27/08/2021 07:13

@Imtoooldforallthis

Just mulling things over this afternoon and wondered what other people do. I often see on mumsnet people saying they have got to a stage in life where they don't do anything they don't want to. I do so much that I wouldnt do by choice. I do a lot for my elderly DM, help out my adult dc, host a relative whose company I really don't enjoy but it would seem extremely rude not to, do some people really stop doing these sort of things?

Some people never did them in in first place TBH.

KikoLemons · 27/08/2021 07:26

I've also got more confident as I've got older. We become established so don't have a need to please anyone to secure our place anywhere. When I first came here and was in a new town, new job and didn't have aany support - I was ncie to everyone, joined in everything... just to become part of things.

I agree - better to be "selfish" - how much time I wasted with awful people!!!! But sometimes it goes too far.

If we can't be bothered to be nice to people and make a bit of effort to include people society falls apart. And that's never good for anyone.

Dozer · 27/08/2021 07:34

Sounds like your balance is wrong at present and that you’ve been passive about it. Do you have issues in general with self esteem/care/assertiveness?

If your mum couldn’t cope without daily visits or if you went away for a month, perhaps it’s time for some reflection and difficult conversations about her housing and care options. Better to do this before any change in her health that could leave you at risk of being asked to provide personal care.

Do your adult DC reciprocate / appreciate things you do for them and consider your needs and wishes?

If relative who wants to visit gets annoyed if you say no, so what!

Its martyrish to say you ‘can’t’ do things like travel ans ‘will probably be old or unwell before I can’. You have options and have chosen not to go. You could change that.

Original poster

Imtoooldforallthis · 27/08/2021 09:49

Of course I have options, but I'm not being a martyr, mum has dementia but manages fine at the home, she loves her home and garden and manages OK, I know this won't last forever but at the moment she can. She lives for my visits and doesn't cope too well with new people. So to keep her home I call in most days jyst to keep her spirits up.

OP posts:

Cameleongirl · 27/08/2021 17:44

@HasaDigaEebowai. It’s interesting that you say that your parents no longer feel like your safe place. My Dad definitely isn’t my safe place, but I suppose I don’t expect him to be at this stage in our lives. I’m 46, he’s 83. I wonder whether we expect too much of our parents sometimes- and perhaps the OP’s adult DC are expecting too much from her?

I’m sorry to hear of your Mum’s illness, OP, that must be so difficult. I think Dozer had a good point, though, you need to look into future housing options while she can still cope at home ( with your help). It’s going to get harder.💐

Hlgwsbytktu · 27/08/2021 18:21

I'm not at this stage yet but my parents are /have been through it
My remaining grandparent is still alive at 92. Her son (my dad) is 72. They live only 2 streets away from each other. My dad would do absolutely nothing for her if he could. My mum has to do most of it alone, and she will force him when necessary (DIY for example) but it is absolutely under sufferance.
My parents are very stuck in their ways. Each week they have a routine doing set things each day. Always have. So they see my nan on a Fri and Sunday. They will never, ever go on any other day. Even if there is a problem. If I ask for help with something they won't help me unless it's a Saturday when they see me.

On the other days there important things include going to tesco, or b & M, or charity shops. If course none of this could be put on hold

I often think to myself I need to remember this when they are elderly themselves. There is no way I am going to drop everything at their request. Because they don't for other people. My dad also dangles my inheritance over me, as if he can buy my care. His mum doesn't have any money and lives in a council property so I think that's partly why too.
When my other nan died my dad made my mum choose the absolute cheapest of every item for the funeral. He also expects my own mum to not even have a funeral. Something called straight to cremation instead which costs 1k.
Yet he expects a large funeral for him. He expects lots of people will want to attend. (they won't). I'm afraid this won't be happening!