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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want a chilled Christmas like last year!

72 replies

Karlee30 · 24/08/2021 21:37

Firstly apologies for the very premature post. I hadn't given Christmas a thought until today. My mother asked where/what we are doing for Christmas. Omg 😵‍💫

Up until last year I hadn't enjoyed Christmas for years. I felt too much pressure to keep everyone else happy - my family, in laws etc. I felt it overwhelming getting everything done, fitting all the fun stuff in leading up to the big day, work, kids school things! I found it stressful. On the day itself we'd spend half the day driving around visiting family to keep them happy. We'd come home too tired to watch any films or tv. Kids haven't had chance to look at anything. Then my mum expects us back again Boxing Day! After Christmas I'd think well that was a s**t Christmas. I sound awful I know. But I have a strained relationship with my family. I don't enjoy their company much at all. My in laws are a lot better but always wanted a Christmas Day just the 4 of us.

Last year due to covid I guess I loved Christmas. It was so chilled, I felt like we were going at our own pace. Leading up to Christmas we watched films, ate rubbish, we had time to bake! Every house on the street we live on out lights up which had never happened before. We would drive around looking for lights most nights. We spent Christmas Eve - Boxing Day fully at home. Covid was a great excuse for doing something I'd always wanted. It was amazing! Felt no pressure at all! I absolutely loved it and it was the best Christmas I'd had in years. I was so sad when it ended but so happy I enjoyed it compare to other years I've felt like Christmas was rubbish.

I appreciate Christmas last year was rubbish for many people who enjoy spending precious time with their families. Unfortunately it's not like that for us. We did visit them leading up to Christmas (tier 1, groups of 6).

But putting covid aside aibu to tell family we just want to spend it just the 4 of us again? I think both families would expect this own big happy Christmas after last year but I so desperately want a Christmas just the 4 of us again. No one in our families are alone or lonely. We are the only ones with kids though and I feel we are the ones doing all the travelling.

Thing is, our families are easily offended. Mil will be shitty and will likely just turn up at ours or something.. My mum will try guilt tripping me into going there. But I'm adamant that I want a Christmas at home!

Aibu? To add Dp is more than happy (probably more so than me) to stay at home. Dc are happy regardless of what we do but DS did tell he how much he loved being able to stay home and look at everything without rushing last year!

Again, apologies for premature post. My mhm seems to start mentioning Christmas going into September and it puts me into panic mode!

OP posts:
Ambo21 · 24/08/2021 21:42

Take the bull by the horns now.. and tell..repeat TELL everyone you are having Christmas day at home..and you will see them before/after the 25th.. when you will have time to relax and open presents and enjoy each others company without all the rushing around previous years have brought.
And repeat...
Not a discussion..
Tell them...

Karlee30 · 24/08/2021 21:58

@Ambo21

Take the bull by the horns now.. and tell..repeat TELL everyone you are having Christmas day at home..and you will see them before/after the 25th.. when you will have time to relax and open presents and enjoy each others company without all the rushing around previous years have brought. And repeat... Not a discussion.. Tell them...
Thanks. I need to toughen up don't I 😪 I'm easily guilt tripped into doing things to keep others happy!
OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 24/08/2021 22:01

Just tell her op then she can make other plans. Say you loved a quiet Xmas just 4 of us last time so are going to do again Christmas Eve to Boxing Day just us at home.

GrandDuchessRomanov · 24/08/2021 22:07

My lovely late parents used to insist on this policy when my Sister's and I were growing up so when I met my now DH of almost 28 years I told him that was how our Christmases were going to be, whether we ended up having kids or not.

He happily agreed and every Christmas has been exactly how we like it.

If you don't do it now OP you will go back to the same old and forever resent it.

It never ceases to amaze me how many threads there are on here in the run up to it saying that they don't want to do it.

Just do what makes you and your immediate family happy. As long as no one is left alone on the actual day, they will just have to suck it up!

Ragwort · 24/08/2021 22:11

Agree that you just need to be very clear and politely assertive. Take the lead - invite your DPs & ILs for lunch/tea on a separate day 'to celebrate Christmas' and make it absolutely clear that you will be spending the actual Christmas period on your own. I do think many DPs find it hard to accept that their adult children are actually grownup and capable of making their own plans.

AuntieMarys · 24/08/2021 22:11

Echoing previous posters...just do exactly what you want to do!!

Brighterblighter · 24/08/2021 22:27

Op covid has been great from this pov it really has!

It's taken huge pressure off us from in laws as well... It's been wonderful although now their vaccinated they are darkening our door again.

I'm looking forward to a hassle free Xmas

SchrodingersImmigrant · 24/08/2021 22:28

Be a wuss or have nice Christmas.
Choice is there.

Do it!

Pallisers · 24/08/2021 22:33

Do what you want OP.

We had the nicest christmas last year. No big roast dinner (in fairness we have Thanksgiving so had the big roast dinner the year before). I did things like garlic shrimp, patatas bravas etc - took about an hour in the kitchen - and the kids asked for us to do it every year. No people staying, no big family get together. We did hardly any presents - just a few funny stocking things - way less than ususal. Had a chilled day, walking the dog, nice dinner, watching a movie. I've had up to 19 for dinner. I will never do a big xmas again.

Notaroadrunner · 24/08/2021 22:37

Definitely just tell them that you are having a quiet Christmas at home but of course you will visit both sets of parents for a day/afternoon between Christmas and new year. Dont be swayed if they kick off. You're an adult who is allowed to start a new Christmas tradition with your Dh and kids - stress free. If any of them do kick off, keep picturing yourself in your lounge wear, stuffing your face with celebrations while watching endless hallmark Christmas movies - bliss!

DupontsLark · 24/08/2021 22:38

You do know there's a Christmas topic for this stuff?

WorraLiberty · 24/08/2021 22:40

Christmas is what you make it.

It's time you made it your way.

worriedatthemoment · 24/08/2021 22:41

Then just do it , personally my xmas was rubbish last year as I like the big family day most years, every now and again we have a quiet one
Often spent xmas at my mums when kids were little as we lived far away so this was a good time for my parents to spend time with them and that worked for us too, but if it hadn't we would of politely declined

Howshouldibehave · 24/08/2021 22:45

Just say last year’s Christmas was the best so you’ll be staying home with just your little family again on Christmas Day this year.

Lockeddownagain · 24/08/2021 22:46

I love christmas just us we have done it pre covid so last Xmas wasn't big deal or us but I love it. I'm the same I'm getting ready for the what you doing at Xmas questions but I think I'm going to stay at home. We has crazy life's and I hate all the gluttony surrounding it. Its tough but stick to your guns, who knows we might be locked down again anyway 🤣

MeanMrMustardSeed · 24/08/2021 22:47

How about going away over Christmas? Then no one can just turn up and it’s easier for you to put boundaries in.

MadeOfStarStuff · 24/08/2021 22:49

You’re an adult. You can choose how you spend Christmas or any other day.

LittleFroggie · 24/08/2021 22:58

Bite the bullet and tell them. You’re lucky they’ve broached it this early really so you can make it clear from the offset. We refuse to travel as I like being at home and relaxing. However, there are a few too many people dropping in for a quick visit/ to deliver presents/ to say hello and I’d really just rather be on our own! It’s exhausting but I don’t know how to say that to family without being rude especially since I won’t be travelling to them. Not sure how to tell family that I’d rather not bother with gifts too! I’d rather just buy for the kids in the family. Christmas politics can be chaos.

justasking111 · 24/08/2021 22:59

Wish my OH would read this. He sulks if everyone isn't together. It's one day fgs. He finds the grandkids exhausting anyway after a few hours anyway

BashfulClam · 24/08/2021 23:09

I’d use the children as an excuse. Now that they are a bit more aware of the day and want to
Okay with the i resents you’ll stay home with the s. They can drop in for tea at some point in the day.

idontlikealdi · 24/08/2021 23:11

We put our foot down in 2019 and said we would be at home, not hosting the meal. Anyone who wanted to pop in for a drink / seek the kids as in grandparents were welcome. It was lovely. 2020 reinforced I'm not going to be a slave to hauling the kids around to different places on Christmas Day / Boxing Day to see people.

We will be doing the same this year. It's just a pain in the arse otherwise.

TinaYouFatLard · 24/08/2021 23:13

I love to be at home at Christmas and hate the thought of spending the day travelling. My solution is that I tend to host. Anyone who wants to come is welcome!

PepperPepperMan · 24/08/2021 23:21

@DupontsLark

You do know there's a Christmas topic for this stuff?
DFOD

You can always read and move on...

canary1 · 24/08/2021 23:37

Of course you must assert yourself and do what is best for yourself, your partner and kids. Did you really spend your childhood Christmases driving around visiting the grandparents? Did you never have Christmas at home? If you had Christmas at home growing up, this should be no surprise to the extended family. But that’s irrelevant anyway, you make your Christmas as you want it as an adult and a parent.

StoneofDestiny · 24/08/2021 23:45

I never have Christmas Day with anybody except my DH and children. Before the children were born, we had Christmas together. No fuss, no endless catering, no trying to please others.
I'm happy to host or visit people on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day or New Year, but not Christmas Day.
So many stories in mumsnet every year about exhausted people, family dramas and the impossible task of trying to please everybody - really could do without it.