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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Living on a Building Site

34 replies

DHandBuildingSite · 24/08/2021 21:24

DH and I bought a house that needed a lot of renovation work. We completely gutted it and put it back together. DH is a tradesman and is pretty good at most trades.

It took us nearly two years to get the house into a liveable condition so we could move in. The kitchen is in and mostly done, as is the bathroom, we built an extension to it that we’re using as a sitting room, so functionally, everything is okay.

But there is so much left undone and it’s really getting me down. The hall, original sitting room to the house and the utility room are FULL of tools. I have to rearrange saws and drills to get to the washing machine and then rearrange them to get out of the door to hang the washing on the line. The tiling is only half done in the bathroom and we have no bath panel. There are wires sticking out of the walls here there and everywhere. Sockets hanging off. Bits of wood missing everywhere, from door frames and skirtings etc. Nothing is sealed, lights don’t work. Spotlights hanging out of the ceiling. Bare floors and plaster in some rooms. No loft hatch and other holes to the outside and I’m terrified we’ll get the same amount of spiders in the house this Autumn as we had last year because of it.

It’s been like this for 18 months, he’s done a few bits here and there but DH is either working or too tired to do anything. He says he will do things like on a Sunday but he won’t get up to go and get his drill and things, and he gets more and more annoyed at me when I ask and then Guilt trip me about how tired he is.

I have loads of nice decorative bits and pieces like cushions and light fittings and mirrors etc that I can’t get out because nowhere is done.

He won’t let me hire someone to come and finish it off and we couldn’t really afford it anyway because I’ve only just paid off the loans off we had to take out to even get it to this point. I kept trying to rein DH in but he just went so overboard with everything.

I feel like I sound so ungrateful and everyone keeps saying how nice it will be when it’s done, but I don’t think it will ever be done. I also kind of feel like the house is ruined and we’ve taken all the soul and character out of it.

I didn’t want to renovate another house because we did it to the one we had previously and that was never done either but DH talked me into it by promising it wouldn’t be like this again.

I’m at my wits end to the point where I just want to pack my stuff and leave. It makes me depressed and we hardly have clean clothes because it’s such a task to do the washing, the hall is so dusty because I can’t get the vacuum out, I just feel like what’s the point in trying to keep a nice house when it’s just a building site anyway.

I honestly don’t want much, I just want a nice, normal house and life. I don’t want to be constantly living on a building site which I feel like I’ve done the whole of my adult life, since we bought the first one 12 years ago. We’re supposed to be TTC (no kids yet) but I’ve not been because I can’t bear the idea of bringing kids into this and I know it wouldn’t be able to be finished in 9 months.

There are other issues as well that I won’t go into but WIBU to leave over this alone?

OP posts:
SunbathingDragon · 24/08/2021 21:26

It would be enough for me to leave. Would your DH be agreeable to selling and moving to somewhere that didn’t need any work done?

DHandBuildingSite · 24/08/2021 21:33

@SunbathingDragon potentially he would move I think but we’d be stuck in a cycle of wanting to move but needing to finish this to sell it, he wouldn’t move unless that was the case as he would feel he’d be losing too much money and if we bought somewhere else he would want to buy something else that needed doing up, because he can do most trades to a good standard he feels like he doesn’t trust how other people have done them. Especially in regards to the electrics as that is his trade.

OP posts:
DHandInterview · 24/08/2021 21:35

This sounds awful. How can he have lights and wires hanging off though, isn't that unsafe?

RandomMess · 24/08/2021 21:35

Can you move out to family and friends and leave him to it for several months. Shock him that you are serious about being at the end of your tether?

Room in a shared house or lodge somewhere even?

SunbathingDragon · 24/08/2021 21:37

Presumably if you start divorce proceedings you can push for a sale though.

Thingsthatgo · 24/08/2021 21:38

I appreciate that it’s your DH who is the expert, but have you tried doing some of the work yourself? Ask him to show you how to do some of the work... painting, tiling, wiring etc. Maybe if you show willing too he won’t feel like he is doing it all alone.

DHandBuildingSite · 24/08/2021 21:43

He says they’re not unsafe and not live but I don’t actually know? This is the light switch for upstairs and a socket or something nearby. He says they’re safe but the switch is stiff and I kind of once put my fingers kind of towards the back to get a better grip to switch the light off and he panicked and was like “careful! Don’t do that!”

Living on a Building Site
Living on a Building Site
OP posts:
DHandBuildingSite · 24/08/2021 21:46

@Thingsthatgo I’ve done a lot of work myself, I was here every day when we were doing the renovation stuff being an assistant, I’ve tried painting walls but he told me I made a mess and not to do it again, I can’t get the hang of a drill but I have painted the smaller stuff like doors etc, siliconed the bath, sorted the garden out and whenever he does do a job I help him, even if it’s just passing tools and screws or holding the ladders or the light fitting. I do what I can but a lot is just beyond my capabilities

OP posts:
Butteredtoast55 · 24/08/2021 21:53

I think you need to plan out the top priorities and break things down into weekend tasks. Sit down with him and explain how it's getting unbearable and you need to do this to be able to enjoy living there. Focus on the quick fixes that will make the most difference if you see what I mean. Then stick to doing that one thing or two things per weekend so you and he can both feel you've achieved something.
They always say tradesmen put their own houses last!

DHandBuildingSite · 24/08/2021 22:00

@Butteredtoast55 I know, and he definitely does. He had a day off work this week and he offered to go and help my sister do some work on her house! I never know how I’m meant to react because yes, it is kind of him to offer to help my sister, but at the same time I get like saying “what about my house??” It makes me feel like such an awful selfish person

OP posts:
KarmaStar · 24/08/2021 22:07

Whatever jobs you do at home,stop!if it's cooking,say you are too tired for example.perhaps he will see them how annoying your life is living in a half finished house.

Brighterblighter · 24/08/2021 22:17

Oh gosh this is so awful.

But quite common I think, I don't know what to suggest except he does it or he pays to get it done

chocolateorangeinhaler · 24/08/2021 22:24

Why people are encouraging you to leave us beyond me and frankly ridiculous. You have two options. Carry on as you are or get trades in to finish. Put it on credit and work hard to pay it off.
You both need to communicate what you are willing to accept to be able to move forward with this.

SmokeyDevil · 24/08/2021 22:28

[quote DHandBuildingSite]@Butteredtoast55 I know, and he definitely does. He had a day off work this week and he offered to go and help my sister do some work on her house! I never know how I’m meant to react because yes, it is kind of him to offer to help my sister, but at the same time I get like saying “what about my house??” It makes me feel like such an awful selfish person[/quote]
Er no you're not selfish, he is. He has a house at home that is in pieces, but is quite happy to go help your sister to fix her house? I would have yelled at him for that one.

StoneofDestiny · 24/08/2021 22:34

Agree that 'helping your sister' suggests he's not that tired. Tell him he needs to take 2 weeks holiday now to finish the house off. If this is getting to you in the summer, how much worse it will be in the winter.

isthisareverse · 24/08/2021 22:46

YANBU at all.

Some people are just messy and disorganised, and your DH is one of them. He needs to pick either a room or a set of things and FINISH them! Like finishing all the electricity, then finishing all the flooring etc.

By the time he'll be finishing something, something else will need redoing if it carries on.

billy1966 · 24/08/2021 22:58

I cannot believe you have lived like this for 12 years.

I think it would definitely affect my MH.

I couldn't live in those conditions.

I certainly wouldn't be TTC in this situation.

There are other issues?

Step back.
I think you want a way out.

Start finding somewhere else to live and tell him you are leaving.

The house will have to be sold.

Don't live your life with someone with a constant project, it is no way to live unless that is what you want too.

I have met a couple of serial movers and they were SO disciplined, did some work but contracted out other parts. Work always done in 6-9 months.

12 years of hell is what you have had.

Enough is enough.
Flowers

pinkstripeycat · 24/08/2021 23:09

That’s been going on in our house for the last 5 years. DH will have 3 weeks off, 2 weeks off, long weekend off and do nothing. I now save money and pay tradesmen to do the jobs slowly bit by bit with DH all the time saying “I was going to do that.” 🙄

pinkstripeycat · 24/08/2021 23:10

Oh and when I did some plastering and painting he said it was bad! Well of course it’s bad as Ive never done it before but it’s better than holes in the walls and marks everywhere. Sadly we can’t MAKE them do it

jakeyboy1 · 24/08/2021 23:12

I just had 6 months of it and it drove me insane. I'd be climbing the walls by now. Can you at least get a couple of rooms finished so you have some sanctuary?

bellsbuss · 24/08/2021 23:15

It's stressful , we've done it 3 times and I'm never doing it again. We are in our forever home now and won't move again until all the children have left home. I found having just one room which we could relax in without any tools or mess helped me. DP has always done most of the work on our homes so it does take longer but also saves a lot of money. I had to keep picturing the end result to get me through it sometimes. Good luck.

Bonheurdupasse · 24/08/2021 23:16

Move out OP

Lockdownbear · 24/08/2021 23:27

It needs to be finished for both your sakes and finanaces.

I wouldn't discuss it I'd get a 3 or 4 electricians to give you prices to complete the electrics. Everything else you can tackle yourself. Hes talking pish saying you cant do it, you doing it is guilt tripping him into helping.
Then beyond that get your living room bashed into shape, then the kitchen, your bedroom, the hall then anyother bedrooms. If you have the living room you at least have somewhere to relax, kitchen as a half finished kitchen is bonkers, other rooms prioritised by the amount of use.

Chloemol · 24/08/2021 23:35

Why can’t he take a week of work and get one room finished. The one with the most work. Then list what needs doing in each other room and work on one room at a time to finish rather than bits of everything

If he won’t/can’t spend his holidays like this then you will have to have the conversation about getting people in to finish

ZaraCarmichaelshighheels · 25/08/2021 00:02

Honestly OP I would leave him, he won’t change, he’s been like it for 12 years, it’s like asking a hoarder to tidy up, it won’t happen. You should not have to live in those conditions, he knows it’s soul destroying for you yet he doesn’t do anything about it and won’t “allow” you to get trades in but is happy to do his white knight act for your sister, and no doubt got his ego massaged to boot. He has probably made your house really hard to sell as well, people either want a renovation project or somewhere that’s done, half finished projects ring alarm bells for people. You don’t sound happy in your relationship, you don’t have children, you don’t have to stay.