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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Living on a Building Site

34 replies

DHandBuildingSite · 24/08/2021 21:24

DH and I bought a house that needed a lot of renovation work. We completely gutted it and put it back together. DH is a tradesman and is pretty good at most trades.

It took us nearly two years to get the house into a liveable condition so we could move in. The kitchen is in and mostly done, as is the bathroom, we built an extension to it that we’re using as a sitting room, so functionally, everything is okay.

But there is so much left undone and it’s really getting me down. The hall, original sitting room to the house and the utility room are FULL of tools. I have to rearrange saws and drills to get to the washing machine and then rearrange them to get out of the door to hang the washing on the line. The tiling is only half done in the bathroom and we have no bath panel. There are wires sticking out of the walls here there and everywhere. Sockets hanging off. Bits of wood missing everywhere, from door frames and skirtings etc. Nothing is sealed, lights don’t work. Spotlights hanging out of the ceiling. Bare floors and plaster in some rooms. No loft hatch and other holes to the outside and I’m terrified we’ll get the same amount of spiders in the house this Autumn as we had last year because of it.

It’s been like this for 18 months, he’s done a few bits here and there but DH is either working or too tired to do anything. He says he will do things like on a Sunday but he won’t get up to go and get his drill and things, and he gets more and more annoyed at me when I ask and then Guilt trip me about how tired he is.

I have loads of nice decorative bits and pieces like cushions and light fittings and mirrors etc that I can’t get out because nowhere is done.

He won’t let me hire someone to come and finish it off and we couldn’t really afford it anyway because I’ve only just paid off the loans off we had to take out to even get it to this point. I kept trying to rein DH in but he just went so overboard with everything.

I feel like I sound so ungrateful and everyone keeps saying how nice it will be when it’s done, but I don’t think it will ever be done. I also kind of feel like the house is ruined and we’ve taken all the soul and character out of it.

I didn’t want to renovate another house because we did it to the one we had previously and that was never done either but DH talked me into it by promising it wouldn’t be like this again.

I’m at my wits end to the point where I just want to pack my stuff and leave. It makes me depressed and we hardly have clean clothes because it’s such a task to do the washing, the hall is so dusty because I can’t get the vacuum out, I just feel like what’s the point in trying to keep a nice house when it’s just a building site anyway.

I honestly don’t want much, I just want a nice, normal house and life. I don’t want to be constantly living on a building site which I feel like I’ve done the whole of my adult life, since we bought the first one 12 years ago. We’re supposed to be TTC (no kids yet) but I’ve not been because I can’t bear the idea of bringing kids into this and I know it wouldn’t be able to be finished in 9 months.

There are other issues as well that I won’t go into but WIBU to leave over this alone?

OP posts:
craigsgirlfriend · 25/08/2021 07:06

A similar situation ended my relationship with my ex. YANBU 💐💐💐.

I was young and naive and wanted the dream period house, and I believed him when he said he could do the work. I completely misjudged the amount of work needing doing, he maybe didn't, but there was no urgency on his side to start and FINISH anything. I should have been more aware that his parents had lived in a doer-upper for 25 years and it STILL wasn't done!

It really affected my mental health living like that. In the end I had to pay to finish jobs to get the house finished so it could sell and we could split the proceeds.

I've since moved to two 'done' characterless houses. So happy! I would NEVER do a fixer upper again. 💐

billy1966 · 25/08/2021 07:48

OP, 12 years of this?

Is that not enough stress.

Imagine babies with this twat?

Nothing ever done.

What he is doing is very controlling.

It has kept you stuck for YEARS.

Get out and move on.

He's a waster, wasting your time.

Mintjulia · 25/08/2021 08:24

I've lived like that and it can be horrible.

Make a list of all the things that are upsetting you, in order of how much they are upsetting you. Then break them down into tiny chunks, for example, that plug socket which by the way is definitely not safe! Sit him down and calmly explain how you feel.

After supper every evening, while you clear away, tidy up etc, he is going to do one job (screw that socket into the back plate for a start). Each job to take no more than 15 minutes so he can't complain about being tired but you'll be surprised how many things get sorted. He also may rediscover his enthusiasm when he sees things progressing.

Definitely worth trying before you think of leaving him !

LastGirlSanding · 25/08/2021 09:08

This is really depressing to read. Your home and your surroundings have such a massive impact on your whole life and mental state. It’s absolutely true that the way we keep our house directly reflects and impacts how we feel. In your case you’re being forced to live inside someone else’s lack of commitment and follow through, who has been willing to let you live in unsafe and messy unfinished places for 12 years. How are you meant as a couple to think about the next step of having children if you are living in such incomplete surroundings? Not just because practically it’s not suitable and even dangerous, but because emotionally it’s such a symbol of him putting his wants first.

To me it shows a huge lack of respect for you and the marriage, to refuse the help you could get to finish your house and make it a true home. He made you promises this is what you’d have together - a home. And he’s broken them all.

For me, that would be enough to leave.

gogohm · 25/08/2021 09:13

You need to be honest with him, something along the lines of "I love you very much but I just can't live like this anymore, I'm going make plans to leave if we can't get this house done by Christmas, let's borrow some money and get some help to finish it"

DHandBuildingSite · 25/08/2021 14:49

Thank you for all the supportive comments. I really feel at my wits end with it all and I had a massive break down over it yesterday. The sad thing is he does know how it makes me feel, and he means well he just can't be bothered to get it done.

@billy1966 it has definitely affected my mental health, I feel like I've lived my whole adult life in a kind of... waiting limbo? Like I'm always thinking "once the house is done..." but I've turned round and I'm 12 years older and no further on, I can't have people round, I can't have a baby, I can't relax, I can't make it feel homely, its beyond a joke.

@zaracarmichaelshighheels he does actually have some hoarding tendencies to be honest. He has so many tools it's beyond a joke, and anything relating to his job, so old mains boards, wires, screws, just so much shit. He won't get rid of any because he says he might need them but the problem is he doesn't know what he has and couldn't get to them even if he did because it's all just such a mess.

@craigsgirlfriend I think that's what I'm going to have to do too, I'm glad you managed to get sorted. I've become obsessed with looking at new builds. I watch "empty house tour" youtube videos, and then the follow ups a few months later. I'd love one so much and I just love these videos, it's like escapism for me. Even if the decor isn't to my personal taste I still love them, it boggles my mind that people can move into a house and three months later it looks like a home.

OP posts:
hocusspocuss · 25/08/2021 15:04

Is he not finishing the house to try and put off having a baby?

DHandBuildingSite · 25/08/2021 17:58

@hocusspocuss no, I don’t think so. He does seem like he genuinely wants them and we have done for a while

OP posts:
Hdhdjejdj · 25/08/2021 18:30

I couldn’t live like that permanently. I lived like this for a few months and it was awful. It really impacted every aspect of my life and wellbeing.
I would either do the work myself, insist he does it, pay for someone else to do it or leave.

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