To have Christmas with just DH.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

DH and I have been married for 4 years and we have spent every Christmas since with DMIL and DBIL. All at either of their places for 3 days except last year when we hosted DMIL for 6 days as she was in our bubble but DBIL couldn't travel to make it.
(We live in a one bed flat and were only able to host because DBIL wasn't going to make it).

Usually Christmas is quite tense as DBIL and DMIL just about tolerate each other. No shouting or arguing,
but a lot of underbreath comments or no eye contact to each other as they clash over the silliest stuff.
We have to sit and bear it and it's always a relief when we leave. They also visit each without DH and I, which they then complain about the other to us. DMIL is going off to visit DBIL for a week soon and she's already started with the comments of how bad it will be. We have no issues with either of them separately but it just brings the whole mood down when we're with them both. DH has said it's always been this way and in the past they've actually gone days without talking to each other.
The AIBU/NBU part is:
This year, we are thinking of having Christmas as just DH and I and starting our own tradition where we can actually enjoy Christmas. We don't have kids to use as an excuse so not sure how to broach it. Wwyd in this situation?
YABU - Continue spending Christmas with them despite the tense atmosphere.
YANBU - Start your own Christmas tradition and see them on a different day between the holidays.

Just do what you want and enjoy. Be up front. You or DH say "we are spending Christmas just the two of us this year. Which day is good for getting together? We're free on the following dates..." Job done.

Honestly do whatever make you happy. Until Covid threw a spanner in the works, OH and I have been away for Xmas and it's been the best idea we ever had.

We have every second year just by ourselves and it's a bliss! (Though so are the other years). Go for it. You won't regret it!
Drinks, cheese, board games and movies.
And slow roasted duck

I think not only should you have Christmas to yourselves, but (maybe after the event) explain why.
If they go to visit each other, there is clearly some fondness there, and they might not realise that the way they carry on is upsetting to everyone else - it is normal for them.
If you tell them your reason beforehand they will probably argue the toss, and promise to behave and then you will likely capitulate, whereas in fact a year off might be good for you all.

It might not go down well, would it mean they are just going to be having xmas with each other. Or alone.
What does DH think?
You shouldn't have to, but i'd have an excuse ready. You've been invited to xx or you're going away for a few nights.

@BrilliantBetty

It might not go down well, would it mean they are just going to be having xmas with each other. Or alone. What does DH think? You shouldn't have to, but i'd have an excuse ready. You've been invited to xx or you're going away for a few nights.

I'd imagine either would host the other. I feel DBIL wouldn't mind as he's an introvert as opposed to DMIL who will think we've abandoned her (very dramatic nature). DH is happy for it to be just the two of us. He's always been caught in-between and could do with a break.

@ShowOfHands

Just do what you want and enjoy. Be up front. You or DH say "we are spending Christmas just the two of us this year. Which day is good for getting together? We're free on the following dates..." Job done.

This.

The trick is NOT to ask permission or frame it as a question.

A pure statement of fact that your HUSBAND will tell HIS mother.

Nothing to do with you, it's HIS mother.

No discussion WHATSOEVER is the key.

Due to restrictions last Christmas was the first time that my DH and I spent the day together on our own, after 8 years together.

It was so great, apart from having far too much food!

I would love to do the same again this year but doubt it will go down well with my family unfortunately!

I’d go away with DH. Break the tradition.

After 4 years it is time you started your own traditions at Christmas etc.. you have been very accomodating so far, but now its your turn..
Be upfront..tell them you are having Christmas together and offer a couple of dates to meet up before or after.. stay strong!!
Its not for you to fix or cobble together their relationship and you are entitled to the Christmas YOU want.. full of peace and joy.....

Not unreasonable. Also perhaps this could be the start of taking it in turns - you spent Christmas with MIL last year, BIL does it this year. Or something like that. Although doesn't need to be prescriptive, just do what you want!

Do it and enjoy!

Thank you all. It's a bit difficult as usually people would use kids as an excuse and feels selfish in a way ~people pleaser tendencies~ .

Don't use excuses. Just say it nicely, bit out right "We would like to have Christmas just by ourselves this year so please, make your own plans. We will see you on x day and can't wait 😁"

I've spent past 2 Christmases alone, not entirely by choice but actually I've found I rather like it!

I get to eat/watch/do what I want, I don't have to dress up or have my photo taken opening gifts or wearing stupid cracker hats...

Do what suits you they've only themselves to blame if they're stuck with each other for Xmas

I agree make no apologies or excuses just statement of fact and ignore mil drama

Hmm… so each bitch about the other when they visit

Wonder what they say about you behind your back. Because they will be

Honestly have your own Christmas the way you want it

When we first got married, we had agreed we would go to my DPs for dinner the 1st year, and DPILs for dinner the 2nd year. But visit both on the day (as they were 2.5 hours from us but only 20 minutes apart). Year 1, DMIL feeds us at lunchtime and DM feeds us in the evening - as that is when both traditionally do their turkey dinners and we couldn't offend either by saying we were due to eat dinner in the other house/had already eaten. And the same the following year.

So year 3, we stayed at home, just us 2 and cooked for ourselves.

The following year, we rented a cottage in between the 2 and resigned ourselves to the 2 dinner scenario but with a long walk on the beach in between (and wearing "fat pants").

After that, we stayed at home another year just ourselves.

Following year, DD was due on Christmas Day, so it was the only year that we stayed at home but ate in my DGPs house (they lived 20 minutes from us in our city). We also stayed home when DD was 1, but have done some visiting years (usually renting a cottage) and some years just staying in our own house.

We always SEE family over the Christmas period - travelling down to them mostly and sometimes some of them will travel to us for a day or 2. But it is no longer guaranteed to be on Christmas Day itself.

There were lots of grumbles and emotional blackmail that first year, and we still get plenty of it sometimes - but all accept that we will see them over the holidays but that we also need to do some things ourselves as our own family.

(DH and I both have high stress FT jobs that involve international travel, DD does a lot of elite sport and has a lot of training every weekend, as well as managing high functioning SNs, I have a voluntary role every Saturday morning in term time (sometimes all day) so cannot travel until at least lunchtime most weekends, and they also had got used to us travelling "home" less often when DH was only home 1 weekend in 4 in the last recession as he had to cover a project in South Africa for 2 consecutive weeks a month and was working here the other 2 weeks, but did his intercontinental travel over the weekends....so we are under slightly less pressure than we were as newly weds).

We did this last year. Partly because Covid gave us the opportunity... We'll make it a "thing", probably on rotation with seeing family, as DH is an only child.

It was lovely.

As a parent of adult children I wouldn't be upset if one or both of them decided they had other plans, and if I was upset I'd keep it to myself.

I think some young people think their parents would be distraught not having their offspring descend every Christmas, when the opposite might be true

Tell them that after this year you want to stay at home the two of you. Then say the same the next year.

The days of me slogging around to all and sundry are truly gone. We have a relaxed small day on Christmas Day and I see my DA and DU the next day.

@MzHz, they probably do, even more reason to do our own thing.
It's ridiculous stuff tbh, DMIL about DBIL: not serving food at the right time, not playing the right music, being late to pick her up etc. DBIL about DMIL: getting up too early, not eating quick enough, not commenting on his new purchase, walking too slow.... it goes on amd on no matter how much one tires to steer the conversation away.
Last argument which led to them not talking for the rest of the evening: DMIL stating that country noise (where DBIL lives) is more unbearable than suburban noise where DMIL lives. Cue back and forth ridiculousness until we bid them goodnight out of frustration 🙄.

@BiddyPop, gosh that sounds exhausting. Well done for holding strong despite the emotional blackmail.

@TakeYourFinalPosition, I was worried as there are only two of them, it would be easier if there were other siblings. Promising to hear you doing it with your DH as an only child.

@WorriedWishingWell

As a parent of adult children I wouldn't be upset if one or both of them decided they had other plans, and if I was upset I'd keep it to myself.

I think some young people think their parents would be distraught not having their offspring descend every Christmas, when the opposite might be true

I know some people are understanding and accommodating of other's feelings and wants as you are. Unfortunately, that's not DMIL. She is very woe is me and likes to be in control. For last Christmas, she had a choice to be in DBIL's bubble or ours, she chose to be with us a married couple and left DBIL to spend Christmas on his own.

Let her wor. She will eventually get over it. That said, don't forget tu mute them on your phones on the day😂

This is why we've never hosted at Xmas right from the very first Xmas of being together.
I saw my own mother frazzled after hosting at Xmas with no time to enjoy it herself.
We don't visit anyone nor have visitors either.
Just tell them straight that you're not hosting and you're having Xmas to yourselves. No argument.

Do whatever suits you best. You guys really are planning ahead.