To have Christmas with just DH.

[Treesandsheepeverywhere]

DH and I have been married for 4 years and we have spent every Christmas since with DMIL and DBIL. All at either of their places for 3 days except last year when we hosted DMIL for 6 days as she was in our bubble but DBIL couldn't travel to make it.
(We live in a one bed flat and were only able to host because DBIL wasn't going to make it).

Usually Christmas is quite tense as DBIL and DMIL just about tolerate each other. No shouting or arguing,
but a lot of underbreath comments or no eye contact to each other as they clash over the silliest stuff.
We have to sit and bear it and it's always a relief when we leave. They also visit each without DH and I, which they then complain about the other to us. DMIL is going off to visit DBIL for a week soon and she's already started with the comments of how bad it will be. We have no issues with either of them separately but it just brings the whole mood down when we're with them both. DH has said it's always been this way and in the past they've actually gone days without talking to each other.
The AIBU/NBU part is:
This year, we are thinking of having Christmas as just DH and I and starting our own tradition where we can actually enjoy Christmas. We don't have kids to use as an excuse so not sure how to broach it. Wwyd in this situation?
YABU - Continue spending Christmas with them despite the tense atmosphere.
YANBU - Start your own Christmas tradition and see them on a different day between the holidays.

We used to always have Xmas day alone when was just DH and I. We got little traditions going.

Now we have a child things have changed of course and mum always comes for Xmas day because my sister is a cow and we would never see her on her own.

However I do look forward to Xmas days again just us two - I've said to teen that he's always welcome but once he has a gf then don't feel obliged to come but instead if she wants to be with her family Xmas day we will never mind and will see him one of the other days.

We have our Xmas dinner on Xmas eve so chances are he will always have that with us anyway!

Sacking off the Christmas Day visit to the in-laws a few years ago was the best thing we’ve ever done! Now love spending the day at home and seeing family on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead. My goal for this year is to not see them at all and send DH in his own but that’s a whole other thread.
I’d love to book a lodge or cottage one year but never get enough time off work to make it worthwhile, maybe you could try that?

Let them know now that Christmas Eve - Boxing Day you’ll be at home having Christmas together, and that you can see them the weekend after.

It really doesn’t matter if it doesn’t go down well. They’ll (she’ll) just have to get used to it.

Start your own Christmas tradition

Do whatever you want innit but god that phrase gives me the fucking rage

I always have Christmas with my DH. When children were born, it was just us and the children. Always kept to that. Never had anything but a relaxing Christmas, no fuss, no driving, no tension.
We were happy to see or host or visit day visitors on Boxing Day - but have always avoided giant family gatherings at that time.....and we really get on with our families 😃.
New Year - happy for gatherings of family, friends, neighbours.

Do what makes you happy and keeps you stress free.

You don't need kids to have an excuse .......... just say we want to spend Christmas on our own. Sorted.

I sacked off the inlaws the year it was our turn to go to them and I had had cancer treatment and six weeks before SIL announced she had rented a house in Scotland for her and DH.

We were very newly married and very broke and couldn't afford to fly to my family.

We have since then done a mix of staying home, and going home, I never set foot over their threshold again on Christmas day.

I should have known when we went to Sil's the first year we were married and she served frozen turkey, frozen roasties, frozen mash, you get the idea.......

DH always tells people that we happily mix and match between here and my home country but that one year we went to Iceland.

YANBU! Just do what you want to do - announce it and stick to it however dramatic anyone gets!

We always have Xmas how we want it- just our family (me, DH and 2 DS), sometimes we stay at home sometimes go skiing or holiday. We get comments about "Last year when you were in X we didn't bother with a tree" or "Hope you had a good time in Y, we were here all by ourselves". I just breeze through it "Yes fantastic time thanks" or whatever. Don't let them emotionally blackmail you!

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Let her wor. She will eventually get over it. That said, don't forget tu mute them on your phones on the day😂

🤣🤣, I shall indeed. Thank you all, good to see I'm not being as unreasonable as I first thought. Some of these stories though 😅. I know if we don't change it now, we'll have years and years of sad Christmases.

Book a hotel.

You have to brazen it out. Important to tell them early. No wavering.

It can be done and I think you would be quite right given it is usually tense.

Yes.. OP Xmas just the two of you you is really chilled and great fun! .. me and DH did it before kids as couldn’t stand family tension and once we had children we just have it the same and catch-up with family and friends either side 😀 we plan lots of yummy food, cheese and crack the champagne out early !

Go for it! Don’t continue to let your christmases be ruined by their unhealthy dynamic.

Would your Dh ever tell them that the atmosphere around them is awful?
Ives said similar to my parents ( in fact told them to get out my house one day) and they’re much better now….we’ll at least when they’re with me they’re better.

Some people just create an awful atmosphere. Put up with it at other times if the year if you feel you must, but not Xmas day!

It's sad that you are forced to have tense Christmases you don't enjoy. It's their fault for making a bad atmosphere. Just have the Christmas you want, you can see them on one of the many other days. I hope the lack of socialising last year made people take stock of how they want their day to be, I can imagine Christmas was much more relaxed for so many.

Very helpful comments, thank you. I didn't want to come across as the wicked DIL who's taking her son away. Also in the last 4 years, we've spent every Easter, Mother's day and DMIL's birthday with them with them. Have tried to be accommodating as she's widowed but it is exhausting. Would be bearable if we actually enjoyed it and had fun but it pretty much always ends with some tension.
Planning early as trying to avoid being invited first.

Good thing is DH and I agree, so just a matter of wording it sensitively now. Thanks for all the suggestions.

It could well unite them.
Their outrage at you two bailing on being an audience to their bickering.

The selfishness of the two of ye!!😂

Nothing makes better friends than a common enemy 😁

Me and DH spent the first Christmas with DMIL and I swore never again. Not because it was a bad day but it was a very different Christmas to what I'm used to. I want Christmas to feel like Christmas and her Christmas was just like any other day. Meals on your lap in front of the TV watching old episodes of come dine with me.

We then decided to start our own Christmas traditions and once the children came alone, were more adamant we wouldn't be leaving the house. I never understand why people would traipse their kids from house to house on Christmas day. Surely, all the fun is being in pjs opening presents and then kids having the luxury of playing with their new stuff all day??

We pick an alternate day to do meals with the rest of the family and it works out well all round

DH and I have Christmas where we want to, sometimes we go abroad, sometimes we visit one of our families. We categorically will not entertain any kind of alternating or obligation of who to visit, I saw my mum worn down at Christmas because of that, no thank you. She is actually the most supportive of our stance, saying we should do exactly what suits us, I think she's a bit envious. We have invited her to ours but she's still in the cycle of obliged hostess.

MIL goes on about taking turns but knows by now we won't get into it, and won't commit in February to Christmas Dinner so don't bother asking.

I really don't see why the 'most wonderful time of the year' has to be involve hosting awkward relatives, at least not regularly.
We've sometimes had friends or a work colleague from another country who was going to be alone for Christmas.
Or Christmas on a beach with a seafood feast for lunch.

OP you and your DH are a unit, you don't need an excuse to be together but you do need to be firm. Once you have broken the norm one year it is so much easier.

I feel if she was happy to let DBIL have Christmas on his own, she can't really complain about our choices. DH and I didn't see her logic then but we didn't question it. Hopefully she can be respectful of ours.
@SchrodingersImmigrant, it's really not that deep, it's not about enemies, hate or fighting, just pettiness from two stubborn people.
Just remembered another incident they didn't talk for two whole days, spoke through DH.

DH is younger and she treats him like a child still. On the phone twice a week with lots of texts and emails in-between. Yet if DBIL doesn't call her, she doesn't bother. Hopefully us stopping back will help balance things out.
Thanks again all.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere

I was worried as there are only two of them, it would be easier if there were other siblings. Promising to hear you doing it with your DH as an only child.

Yeah, it worried me a lot too, if I'm honest. It feels like there is an expectation that we'll always be there for anything - every single Mothers Day, Easter, on anyone's birthday, etc. It's a lot!

We try to give them advanced warning so that they can make other plans, but I think it's reasonable that we spend some holidays together, too. They'd have to "share" us a lot more if I had parents too.

They aren't always great at it. I didn't do much for my birthday this year and they wouldn't take no for answer... in the end, we ended up meeting them for a drink outside, which I don't think anyone really enjoyed, but they were adamant that they needed to see me on the day. But they're getting there, and we're getting better at setting boundaries and managing their expectations.

You've just got to start, I think. It gets easier from there.

YANBU. We do this every 3 years or so and it is utter bliss. Also no children. Just tell everyone early and straight-out. 'Me and DH are staying at home by ourselves for Christmas this year'. Don't get involved in any other discussion, just repeat the above as you need to. Next year do a family thing.