To want to be more intelligent?

[Mummersnet]

I imagine that even that sentence is incorrect.

I am not very smart. My family are all really intelligent with great jobs. The sort of people who understand politics, love history and have these in depth discussions and debates. I’m so interested and fascinated but I have no idea what they’re on about. I read lots but don’t always understand stuff and I don’t retain information. My family have never made me feel like an idiot and they’re all super loving, they’ve never put me down and compliment me, but I’m jealous. I wish I could be smarter. I don’t even have ‘street smarts’ and no discernible skills. I just feel like an idiotic lump.

Can you become more intelligent or will I always feel like the dumb pig of the family? I am fascinated by lots of subjects but I is okay don’t have the brain capacity to fully understand them. I was listening to a history podcast today and just kept thinking ‘eh?’. Really hating myself today.

Also - I know that isn’t the only version of intelligence - history/politics etc. But they also have skills and as I said ‘street smarts’. I feel like I have nothing. No skills, no knowledge, nothing about me.

How unkind you are being to yourself. “Idiotic lump”, “dumb pig” - what would you say if a friend said their partner called them that? You are being way, way too harsh on yourself.

@plodalong12 I would never say that to anyone else no. But I just feel like a failure. In my 30s with no real achievements, no particular skills or hobbies. Not much to add to any conversations, no career or prospects. I just feel a bit useless.

this made me sad and I didn't want to read without replying, even though I am not sure I have anything to add.

What I would say, as a teacher, is that I certainly do see a vast range of personalities in my classroom and intelligence is just one facet of a personality.

IQ is a bell curve, and 50% of the population are below average. Whilst I think you can stretch this a little, you may not be able to make a palpable difference.

But I expect you are kind, funny, generous, welcoming, warm-hearted and loved by many?

What I have also seen is students who struggle academically but who are still galvanised by subjects that interest them. If you are very interested, you will enjoy learning and remember facts naturally. It is possible that there is a niche subject out there waiting for you to discover it.

If you want to learn, are there any part time courses or night classes you could take to engage your interest - I have friends doing photography, counselling skills and baking.

I hope none of this sounds patronising. When I read your post, I heard it in the voices of every student who has ever struggled in my class and it is such a shame to see self-esteem tied up in that one thing. You sound brilliant.

People do vary in intelligence, even within the same family. You may indeed not be as intelligent as them. I have a several family members who are genuinely geniuses, and I feel dumb around them. But I'm not really. So before you put yourself down, think about who you are comparing yourself to. Your post was well-written, clear, concise and grammatically correct. Signs of intelligence and orderly thinking. Yet you started off by saying it was probably wrong.

If you find it hard to retain information you read, look at 'learning styles'. You may find it easier to learn through listening (podcasts) or watching (videos).

Do you think you maybe just haven't found your niche in life yet OP?

Plenty of people arent academic but have other skills or talents, e.g. practical skills, creativity, music, performing arts, gardening, sport, comedy, communication skills, cooking, animal care, customer service etc

We can't all be professors!

@hollyhocksarenotmessy

People do vary in intelligence, even within the same family. You may indeed not be as intelligent as them. I have a several family members who are genuinely geniuses, and I feel dumb around them. But I'm not really. So before you put yourself down, think about who you are comparing yourself to. Your post was well-written, clear, concise and grammatically correct. Signs of intelligence and orderly thinking. Yet you started off by saying it was probably wrong.

If you find it hard to retain information you read, look at 'learning styles'. You may find it easier to learn through listening (podcasts) or watching (videos).

Learning styles are a pseudoscience fad. Absolute bollocks. While some people have a preference for learning in certain ways, it makes absolutely no difference to how much or how well they learn.

I agree that you are being v harsh about yourself.
You would most likely never judge any one else like this
For what it's worth I think the fact that you have the wherewithal to self reflect to the degree that you'd like to change / develop yourself is a sign of good emotional intelligence

I have know people who seem to have very barren inner lives & live for shopping / gossiping & have zero interest or knowledge of anything outside of their own v narrow world view. You don't seem like that.

What interests you? You have to start there I think.

I'm a curious person so if I see a programme/ film or read an article that catches my interest I then Google to find out more. This leads to more & more.
I allow myself to go down rabbit holes till I become interested in something else

Here's an example - I watched Bohemian Rhapsody with my daughter over the weekend. We really enjoyed it & chatted about the terrible impact of aids on the community of mainly young gay men then.
We googled info about when it became treatable..We googled info on the people in Freddie' s life & what happened to them.

This is a silly example but we both now know a lot more about that one subject than we did before. This of course applies to everything- the key is being curious

I really doubt that you are as unintelligent as you think, OP. I have a stupidly high IQ but there are loads of things that I don't understand/don't know about. Sometimes, I think the most intelligent people are just the ones who realise how much they don't know.

Intelligence also comes in so many different forms, too - emotional, analytical, practical etc. I don't believe that you are lacking in all of them.

If there are particular fields that you want to know more about, then find a way of learning about them. I used to feel really ignorant about economic issues as there are lots of economists in my family and I had no idea. I did lots of reading and it started to fall into place. I didn't understand everything I read, but enough to make sense of issues that I wanted to know about.

I don’t think your intelligence is the issue here. It’s your self esteem.

Answer these questions and let me know what score you get:

wwnorton.com/college/psych/psychsci/media/rosenberg.htm

It's also possible to be really intelligent but have processing difficulties that can make it hard to learn. Could that be a factor?

Ooh, hard one to answer. I kind of know where you're coming from as I'm generally considered very intelligent and yet I appear to be incapable of understanding some mechanical concepts, however much I try. It's like a complete blockage, so if that's across multiple areas (and everyone around you seems to be doing better) it must be hard to cope with.

It seems odd that you could really lack that capability in every area, though, especially given you are interested in learning, which is at least half the battle. A couple of things spring to mind, but this is not my area of expertise at all - one is a weak working memory. I think this means that it's hard for you to hold multiple different things in your mind at the same time, in the way you need to be able to solve a problem or understand something complex. Did you have any learning ability diagnosis or assessment at school?

Another possibility is that there's a psychological element here. You are certainly very hard on yourself. In your post you express yourself well, get your point across, and your spelling and grammar is fine, so you clearly are good at something! Sometimes people develop a belief that they are bad at something, which makes them fear it, which means their brain is full of that fear and dealing with that rather than on the topic they're studying it.

I wonder if you had perfectionist parents, or your siblings seemed more obviously bright, and your parents played that up, meaning you were left feeling like the stupid one. Any of that could make things seem worse than they really are (i.e. your low opinion of your abilities is inaccurate) or could actually cause a mental blockage that makes it hard for you to learn.

If it is something that is holding you back or upsetting you, then it might be worth seeking help. I don't know what exactly to suggest, I'd probably try cognitive behaviour therapy first to see if it's negative beliefs that are causing the problem, before going through difficult/expensive learning disability assessments. However hopefully someone like an educational psychologist will be along to advise.

Honestly, OP, there’s nothing niche to ‘understand’ about politics or history. If you can read, you can just look things that interest you up.

Academically I am more intelligent than most of my family members, but I'm nowhere near as kind or compassionate.

If you find pod casts etc confusing start off with things aimed at children, Newspapers suchas First News or the week summarises current affairs nicely and once you understand the background perhaps move on to those written for an adult audience.

If you don't retain information it sounds like you may have some form of learning difficulty. How are you with multistep instructions? If someone gave you a verbal list of 5 things to do would you remember them all and be able to complete them in order or just focus on the last thing that they said? Lots and lots of people have trouble with processing and retention of information.

Intelligence is largely about being interested. You can read, you can visit museums, you can listen to podcasts, you can do all kinds of things to educate yourself about the things which interest you. After that, it’s working on your self esteem so that you feel capable of discussing things with others, sharing information and ideas, engaging with the world around you.

Maybe the podcast just wasn't very well explained, or assumed a background knowledge that the average person wouldn't be expected to have. I'm ludicrously over-educated and I've come across podcasts on subjects that aren't in my usual subject areas which have baffled me. Some people also find it difficult to access information in debates and in depth conversations, which is probably confidence related.

I've never met anyone who was universally useless, but I've met a lot of people who think they are, because they don't recognise their own skills.

OP! From your post it’s obvious you are pretty intelligent, it’s very well expressed - warm but sharp - if you actually were thick you wouldn’t be able to write like that.

You do appear to have a self esteem issue. Perhaps you also have some learning issues that impact on your ability to concentrate or interpret info - but equally that could be down to stress, tiredness, or terrible communicators on podcasts. It might be that your aren’t very very academic and your family members are, but that doesn’t equate to not being intelligent.

So now that’s out the way what are you going to do to improve how you feel about yourself and plan how to get what you want from life? It would probably help people advise if you can say where you are in life - what else are you happy/ not happy with, do you like your job/friends/partner. Would also be useful to know where you are financially and if you have commitments like kids as that impacts on plans to change.

My parents are both very knowledgeable and educated. I struggle to keep up with them. I think their secret is having radio 4 on all the time. It massively helps with general knowledge and being up to date with news and current affairs. I’ve started listening and especially like PM at 5pm.

Firstly you are being beastly to yourself, so stop that immediately!

Secondly, read every day.

My DH and I are the 'know it alls' in our family and it's really embarrassing to us. We dread family quizzes or Trivial Pursuit because we always win. And I would feel even weirder losing on purpose. Last time we played my sister had a go at me for 'having to know it all'.

I have always read widely and am v on top of current affairs and culture, mostly by idling away on the internet.

Sorry!

I don’t think you can make yourself more intelligent, you can keep yourself up to date and informed on certain things if you wanted to but it wouldn’t fundamentally change your intelligence.

I think intelligence is a desirable trait in a person, but it is not the only desirable trait and is not the most desirable trait either. Somebody could be very intelligent but also be cruel, selfish, unkind or lazy. You should try to look at people and most of all yourself as a whole rounded person, not from one dimension.

[quote BabyLeaf]I don’t think your intelligence is the issue here. It’s your self esteem.

Answer these questions and let me know what score you get:

wwnorton.com/college/psych/psychsci/media/rosenberg.htm[/quote]
@BabyLeaf 5?

Also, as a PP says, who are you comparing yourself to? If your family members are really top of their profession types, then, whilst it's frustrating if you can't keep up with them, it's not surprising. Some people have smorgasbord type intelligence (wide ranging, curious), whilst some become experts in niche areas. You might just need to find your niche.

Comparison can really bring you down - my job takes me into meetings with the top people in the world in their fields. I frequently come out of those meetings frustrated that I haven't fully understood, and feeling rather stupid in comparison. But it's all relative.

There are also many types of intelligence. Someone with high academic type intelligence can have really low emotional intelligence, or practical skills for example. I know a university lecturer who struggles to butter their own toast or make the simplest of meals without setting fire to the house.

Have confidence in yourself. A desire to learn about the world is a great attribute. Making connections between things helps to put new learning in context. I would really recommend some children's history books to get an overview if history is an area you want to improve on. For being able to have some knowledge about the world and having interesting topics of conversation, Tim harfords book a history of the world in 50 ( or may 100?) Objects is fascinating and an easy read. It might spark some interest in other things you want to discover. I think you sound lovely to be around and good luck with your curiosity to develop your interests.

One of the best people I ever had in my life was my brother's girlfriend. She was kind and loving, and often had to have things explained to her. I don't know if she felt as you do, but I hope not. We are all different and have different skills. It sounds like you come from a family of high flyers, and I suspect most of us wouldn't be able to keep up with them!