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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being disrespectful towards his parents?

40 replies

coupleofprocedures · 24/08/2021 12:20

I know this is none of my business but just looking for some opinions

My best friend uses grindr and in a recent conversation told me how he invited one man off there to meet him at his house, said friend lives with his parents. He arranged this meet up when both his parents were out the house. Friend had only been speaking to this person since the night before and this meet up was the next morning. I didn't say anything to him but privately I felt it was disrespectful inviting practically strangers to his house when he lives his parents. Friend has done this a few times before. Am I right in thinking this?

OP posts:
plodalong12 · 24/08/2021 12:39

I can’t understand how on EARTH any of this has got anything to do with you.

Original poster
coupleofprocedures · 24/08/2021 12:51

It's not got nothing to do with me, I'm just bored at the moment and was wondering whether it was just me who thought it was disrespectful.
I'm never going to say anything to my friend, it's absolutely not my business and place to.

OP posts:
RyanReynoldsHusband · 24/08/2021 12:52

Is the issue because it’s Grindr? Would you be complaining about a straight liaison made via Tinder, or someone they met at the pub?

Zarene · 24/08/2021 12:56

Would his parents mind? I don't think mine would - when I lived with them as an adult it was very much my home too, and as long as guests didn't break anything they couldn't have cared less.

a8mint · 24/08/2021 13:08

No because it is his home too

malmi · 24/08/2021 13:14

Depends whether it's a new relationship or a one off hookup (i.e just sex)

A new relationship, is similar to inviting over someone you just met in the pub. Fine.

If it's just a hookup it's rude in a similar way as bringing a prostitute home would be rude. (Leaving aside the ethical issues surrounding prostitution itself).

Toottooot · 24/08/2021 13:15

Would it be less offensive if he took a woman round?

Original poster
coupleofprocedures · 24/08/2021 13:15

It has nothing to do with his sexuality, I was wondering because I was thinking if I was living with my parents I wouldn't want to bring anyone to the house unless my parents knew about it in advance out of courtesy but I'm wondering whether I'm overthinking things. I think also I worry a bit because of my friend meeting stranger online not long after first speaking to them about his safety and for them to be coming to his house. I think I might just have a bit of anxiety because I've seen a true crime video on YouTube about someone getting murdered because of a meet up on Grindr that I overthink things.

OP posts:
Original poster
coupleofprocedures · 24/08/2021 13:16

@malmi It was just a hookup

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/08/2021 13:20

It’s his home as well and they weren’t even there so yabu

Sunbird24 · 24/08/2021 13:34

I guess it depends if his parents would mind if they knew. If it would upset them then he shouldn’t do it. If they’d be fine with it then it’s ok.

Blindering · 24/08/2021 13:41

I think the op is getting a hard time here and people have missed the point of her post seeing it as homophobic when it isn't.

OP depending on your upbringing, some people might see this as disrespectful so I see what you are getting at. My parents for instance are traditional old school Catholics in their 70s and would see this behaviour in their house as very disrespectful whether it be hetro or homosexual activity so Yanbu in your question.
They would forbid any sexual relations in the house unless myself or my siblings be married and that includes sharing of beds regardless of age.

I know friends who have parents of similar values.

However this is mn and when these sort of issues arise I find that poster are infuriated at such values as they are against it and can't understand why people would do this. But it their house so people have the right to do whatever they want in their own house and have their rules for both adults and children. It annoys me when mners criticise parents who do this as it is their right- would you accept people going against your values/rules in your house?

Chickychoccyegg · 24/08/2021 13:44

I don't think it's disrespectful, his parents weren't there, and it's your friends home too.

HollowTalk · 24/08/2021 13:45

I would be really unhappy if an adult child of mine brought a one night stand - someone they didn't know - into my house.

Blindering · 24/08/2021 13:47

''I don't think it's disrespectful, his parents weren't there, and it's your friends home too.''

Yea but that is the disrespectful part, is that they weren't there and it might be against their core values. And no it is not the friend's home, it is whoever's name is on the mortgage. So I was a lodger in a house and the landlord said no smoking-we all respected that.

Blindering · 24/08/2021 13:50

And can I add that I am non practicing lapsed Catholic who does not have the same values as my parents by any means but the post is about respecting the values of the home owner in their house and putting your own values aside.

Thesearmsofmine · 24/08/2021 13:53

I agree with you OP. He is inviting total strangers into the house for sex.

Yummymummy2020 · 24/08/2021 13:53

When I lived at home I wouldn’t have done it as I would have felt it was rude! And yes inconsiderate. It’s not really the same as a house share with other people your age where an agreement might be in place or whatever. I do think if you want to bring randoms over for I assume just sex if it’s grinder then you should get your own place!

Whatinthelord · 24/08/2021 13:53

How old is your friend?

I think I’d prefer to know if a random stranger was coming into my house. I’m not sure if I’d describe it as “disrespectful” but I think it would be better if he let his parents know that he was having someone over. Even if just for his own safety.

Inviting a complete stranger over is very different to inviting over someone you have met a few time or friend or boyfriend.

Having said that it is his home and maybe his parents have made clear it is equally his home to use as he wants. Hey might not view it as their home but his too.

CorrBlimeyGG · 24/08/2021 13:54

So I was a lodger in a house and the landlord said no smoking-we all respected that.

We're not talking about a lodger. This is an adult child having a visitor in his family home.

soapboxqueen · 24/08/2021 13:56

The issue, to a certain extent, isn't what he's doing but when he's doing it.

If he's doing this when his parents are out so they are kept in the dark, then yes it's disrespectful because either he knows wouldn't approve or they've already said as much.

If they know and he's just waiting for private space, then no harm no foul.

DisgruntledPelican · 24/08/2021 13:57

YABU. It would be weirder if his parents were there!

All power to him. I struggle to find the desire to have sex with my DP in my parents’ house. I’d love to be so chilled as to bring a hookup back. The threat of being caught lingers.

Blindering · 24/08/2021 13:57

''We're not talking about a lodger. This is an adult child having a visitor in his family home.''

eh there is a big difference between a 'visitor' and some random stranger you are bringing into the house for sex. That is the issue here-the sex part.

MsSquiz · 24/08/2021 13:59

I did this a few times when I was single, in my early 20s and lived at home.
On one occasion, I met a guy that night while out drinking, brought him home, had sex with him and told he had to leave because my parents would kill me if they knew he was there. He was as quiet as a mouse leaving and I locked the door behind him and went to bed!
My DM wouldn't have been happy about it, so it probably was disrespectful to her, in her house. But what she didn't know, didn't hurt her.

I'd be more concerned about the safety element of bringing random strangers when home alone, rather than the potential disrespect of parents

Blindering · 24/08/2021 14:04

''I'd be more concerned about the safety element of bringing random strangers when home alone, rather than the potential disrespect of parents''

It is 2 men so I think men are much less likely to be attacked in these situations as predators would target women as they are easier targets.