Lovely neighbour banging on wall

[Pastnowfuture]

We have lived in our home for 5 years. It's a terraced house and we've always had a good relationship with our neighbours. We chat in the street often and we exchange christmas cards. When our son was born 15 months ago they bought him an outfit. A few weeks later we gave them a card and wine to apologise for the newborn crying. Over the last year whenever I have apologised for any noise the female's response is "baby's cry" and the male's response is "we don't hear anything".

My little boy started nursery 4 weeks ago and ever since he has been ill a lot and cries much more during the night. We never leave him to cry but he only wants to be comforted by me. On the few occassions I am desperate for sleep he will cry loudly in my husbands arms for about half an hour before finally the crying turns to sobs and he drops off.

In the last couple of weeks the neighbours have started banging on the wall. Three times in total. Last night he was very unsettled and at 3am they were banging on the wall.

I'm not really sure what we can do. I'm trying my best but feel like such a failure. He's not a great sleeper generally but I cosleep and breast feed so whenever he wakes we snuggle and he's quickly back down so limited crying (until last 4 weeks).

My son's room joins to theirs but if we changed his room it would join to their adult daughter's so wouldn't be any better. I saw the female neighbour after the first banging and she didn't say anything and neither did I. I hadn't actually heard the banging and genuinely assumed my husband had been mistaken as it was only 9pm. She was her usual friendly self to me and my son.

It must be awful for them and I feel really guilty but I also feel like the banging is really agressive. I'm anxious about seeing them in the street and last night I couldn't sleep even when my little boy finally went down because I was worrying he would wake again and disturb them.

They've always been so lovely. AIBU to be so upset by this? What should I do/say if anything?

2 ear infections in 4 weeks?

This makes me so sad. Poor thing and poor parents.

Would a child minder be a better option.

Did you talk to the neighbour OP?

@silentpool

You are all being unreasonable. You, for allowing them to be disturbed during quiet hours and them for passive - aggressive banging. Can you soundproof the shared wall?

@silentpool

How is she "allowing" them to be disturbed? The baby is crying, FFS. Do you want her to put a muzzle on the child to stop them from being so loud?

You should move the crying baby to another a room. I know it’s a pain but a crying baby is your problem not yours neighbours. I’ve spent many a night downstairs with a crying baby. I’ve taken to going to bed at 8pm in anticipation of it! You’ll just have to suck it up, it won’t last forever

@Thevoiceofreason2021

You should move the crying baby to another a room. I know it’s a pain but a crying baby is your problem not yours neighbours. I’ve spent many a night downstairs with a crying baby. I’ve taken to going to bed at 8pm in anticipation of it! You’ll just have to suck it up, it won’t last forever

They do take him downstairs and to another room etc. The OP has said that in one of her posts

@starrynight87 Yes, I spoke to them today as I was so teary yesterday. Explained he has been poorly and apologised for disturbing them. They said they were worried as he was screaming and they were tired and wanted to get back to sleep. I acknowledged how frustrating it must be, explained we take him downstairs, try to soothe him quickly and never leave him to cry alone or in his cot.

I was too anxious to sleep last night, worrying the baby would wake crying and disturb them again. He did wake but no crying. Hopefully can put it to the back of my mind now and concentrate on getting my baby better and surviving this phase.

[quote Pastnowfuture]@starrynight87 Yes, I spoke to them today as I was so teary yesterday. Explained he has been poorly and apologised for disturbing them. They said they were worried as he was screaming and they were tired and wanted to get back to sleep. I acknowledged how frustrating it must be, explained we take him downstairs, try to soothe him quickly and never leave him to cry alone or in his cot.

I was too anxious to sleep last night, worrying the baby would wake crying and disturb them again. He did wake but no crying. Hopefully can put it to the back of my mind now and concentrate on getting my baby better and surviving this phase.[/quote]
Glad you could put your mind at rest OP. They do sound a bit odd, leave them to it. I don’t know why they thought banging on a wall would alert you to your own crying baby. I hope you can have a nice peaceful night tonight and catch up on some well deserved rest. You sound like a lovely kind person and a good mother x

Maybe they're doing DIY and only do it when they can hear your baby as they know they won't wake him?

I don’t know why they thought banging on a wall would alert you to your own crying baby.
No, me either.
they were tired and wanted to get back to sleep.
Well, obviously, but banging isn't going to help them.
Being charitable, I think they're banging and not behaving totally rationally because they're being woken and it's disorientating and of course they're tired.
But you've explained and apologised and they don't seem that sympathetic.
Maybe they're not so lovely.

I haven't RTFY, but I've read your posts OP, and I think your neighbours are being very unreasonable. Babies cry, they get ill, that's just life. I've been on both sides of this, and I would never have dreamed of banging on the wall. I think it's completely pointless and rude, just making a point about how disturbed they are - "we were worried he was crying" is a load of rubbish, they are trying to make you feel bad.

You're not doing anything wrong, and it's not unreasonable of you to share the night duties with your husband, even if it means the baby cries more. I think some PPs have been a bit unreasonable as well, insinuating that you should just do it all and not work towards shared night time.

Hope you feel a bit more relaxed about it all soon, OP - hang in there.

*RTFT!

@keepseeingit Thankyou. I really needed to hear that today. It's so easy to feel like a rubbish parent.

[quote Pastnowfuture]@keepseeingit Thankyou. I really needed to hear that today. It's so easy to feel like a rubbish parent.[/quote]
You're not rubbish. They sound loopy. Babies are hard work. And cry. And get ill.
You're doing everything right and you deserve a break now and then. Hope you're ok

You did the sensible thing talking to them OP.
Unlike them with their stupid wall banging behavior.

I really wouldn't give them anymore headspace. Focus on looking after yourself and your dc.

They have behaved poorly whereas you have behaved very well. I hope your dc feels better soon.

I’m confused by some of this. The OP says it’s three in the morning, then when people said they could understand that was annoying for neighbours it became 9pm. Then apparently the baby is taken downstairs, but the banging came from the bedroom, so how does that work? And the baby sleeps in one room but the dad takes him into another presumably as mum says she’s sleeping in with the baby? So which room adjoins the neighbours’ bedroom? None of it adds up.
Advice is also shit. They should get a detached house if they don’t want noise? Maybe people should get a detached house if they want to have a baby? Earplugs that cut out 90% of the noise so you can still hear an alarm? Well, that won’t be enough of baby noise cut out to make any difference then. If it lets through enough noise to wake me, noise will wake me…
@Pastnowfuture bottom line is you have to do everything you can to ensure your baby doesn’t wake the neighbours - or at the very least doesn’t keep them awake for any length of time. Glad to hear last night was better.

Babies cry, they can't always be quieted.
If they could parents would do so.

If nextdoor can hear crying then they can hear crying. It seems that the noise travels regardless of the room the baby is in.

There isn't anything that OP and her DH can do about it that they aren't already doing.

Banging on the wall doesn't help. OP and her DH know the baby is crying.
Semis and terraces have more noise issues you have to be realistic about this if you choose to live in one.

Unless you have a failsafe way of stopping crying @cardibach ? You could make a fortune marketing it.

@cardibach if you’d have read the first post all the way through you’d have seen that the OP mentioned the times 9pm and 3am at the outset, before anyone had even posted on the thread.

As if pandering to some shitty neighbours who start banging on walls when they hear an ill child crying should be the first priority here

@longerevenings

Babies cry, they can't always be quieted. If they could parents would do so.

If nextdoor can hear crying then they can hear crying. It seems that the noise travels regardless of the room the baby is in.

There isn't anything that OP and her DH can do about it that they aren't already doing.

Banging on the wall doesn't help. OP and her DH know the baby is crying.
Semis and terraces have more noise issues you have to be realistic about this if you choose to live in one.

Unless you have a failsafe way of stopping crying @cardibach ? You could make a fortune marketing it.

I think OP admitted that she CAN stop baby from crying, but Chooses to leave him with his dad whilst she goes to another room and sleeps with earplugs because she needs a rest? So it’s a choice then surely?

I think OP admitted that she CAN stop baby from crying, but Chooses to leave him with his dad whilst she goes to another room and sleeps with earplugs because she needs a rest? So it’s a choice then surely?
She didn't 'admit' anything, it's not a court of law
She says that occasionally when she's desperate for sleep, her DH takes the baby while she tries to sleep. Hardly a crime.

@cardibach It has happened at 9pm previously. It happened at 3am the night before I posted.

Our bedroom joins to their daughters room. Our sons room which has both a cot and a bed for cosleeping joins to theirs.

My husband takes the baby downstairs. They banged on upstairs wall.

Thank you for all the supportive comments. This has been a big deal for me as I'm already pretty low and tension with neighbours was the straw that broke the camels back yesterday. I'll carry on trying my best not to disturb anyone and just hope they don't bang next time he's poorly.

I'm going to take @longerevenings very good advice and focus on my little boy now so I won't be adding to this thread x

If you are physically ill ,mentally not brilliant and had no sleep,please insist on a phone consultation with a doctor.

OMG.....children cry. I would never complain if your child cried all night. I would offer to help! You simply cannot stop children crying. Children are our future and heaven help those pathetic souls who will complain about everything.

Is soundproofing an option in that room op?

You poor thing. You sound so tired and sorry. This will pass. Ignore the neighbours. Babies cry, they can deal with it.

So British to get annoyed at a normal, human thing that the rest of the world just gets on with.