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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What are my rights as a Mother after separation

33 replies

MagicalCreatures · 23/08/2021 21:08

Posted here for traffic as I need as much help as I can get.

I left my STBXH in January this year.
He was emotionally abusive. Always had to have the control, made me feel worthless since having DS who is now 2.5 because I didn't contribute towards the mortgage anymore (I still worked part time and my money bought everything else we needed)
He didn't bond with DS until a few months after i left him. And i believe the only reason he has is to try to prove to everyone that there was no reason why I left him. He has a lot of narcissistic traits.

Anyway, I have been through the mill since leaving him. He has hit me with everything he has got. Cannot stand the fact that I had the guts to leave him.
I encouraged him to be a better father and to see our son more as he didn't seem to bothered at first. I've really shot myself in the foot it seems.

I never liked the way people use the children to hurt the other parent. I've seen so many people affected by the selfishness of these type of people and I swore my DS wouldn't be dragged into all that hate.
I have tried so hard to be amicable with him but I am now having to go down the route of a non molestation order.
I desperately wanted to be able to have the type of co-parenting relationship that means our DS benefits.

So I started off with saying ExH could see DS on a Tuesday and Thursday evening for a couple of hours.
I've also always worked a saturday due to the nature of my Job and even before we split, ExH always had DS on a Saturday.
So during lockdown (when I wasn't working) he started having him from 12pm Saturday, overnight and I would collect him Sunday at 3pm.

This was OK at the time as I was living with my parents (he refused to leave our home) so my DS was seeing them alot.
But when I returned to work, he started having him at 9.30am Saturday, overnight and still until 3-3.30pm Sunday. I had then also moved into my own place with DS so I asked him if, since I was now back at work and he's having him from early Saturday, could I have him back earlier Sundays so he gets one day each at the weekends with us and our families.
He point blank refused. Uses his parental responsibility rights to every advantage. After much arguing, I finally got him to compromise that I can pick him up at 12pm every other Sunday. This still didn't seem fair to me as he demands to have him every bank holiday and is getting DS for 3 out of 4 days over a 2 weekend period.
Because of this, ExH family are seeing him loads and my family only got to see him once a fortnight if that (cos sometimes they might have plans)

He then decided one day that he would start bringing him back at 4.30 every other Sunday I stead of 3.30 so then I demanded I get him back at 11am instead of 12pm on my Sunday.

Since then, he has now told me there is an occasion on a Saturday (at short notice) that he can't have our Son due to a social thing he has planned for himself. So he demanded that he have him from 10.30am on the Sunday instead.
But that was my Sunday to have him.
I told him that just cos he can't have DS Saturday, doesn't mean I get too cos I have to work still and will have to find childcare. And that he would be taking DS from me on my day with him.
I've planned my entire calender up to Christmas with what I can and can't do either DS because of the weekends I get with him and I found this really unfair.

He started accusing me of denying him access to his son and saying it will be noted down etc.

In my opinion, he gets him far more then most fathers do. I have always been very fair in offering him extra time with him, for example when I went away for a weekend with DS and my family for my birthday. He had him the weekend before and after all day Saturday and all day Sunday and an extra evening in the week.

So I don't doubt myself for a second that I've been fair but I don't know where I stand in telling him I think weekends and Bank holidays should be 50/50 because he won't budge.

The daisy chain foundation have said they will help me with chukd arrangements but not until the non molestation order is in place cos he might get nasty again.

Please help

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 23/08/2021 21:12

Take this to mediation & court to see if a judge would award one weekend each and time overnight during the opposite week.

DroopyClematis · 23/08/2021 21:30

Ditto.

You need a legal framework in place.
Your child is being used as a bargaining tool and it needs to stop.

Soontobe60 · 23/08/2021 21:33

The starting point for coparenting should always be 50/50. That’s what the courts deem to be in the best interests of the child in most cases.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 23/08/2021 21:46

You need to work this all out as part of the divorce. It isn't fair that he gets the majority of the weekend time and that needs to change. If I were you I would alternate weekends and pay for childcare for the hours you work on a Saturday (assume no chance you can change hours so you no longer work a weekend?)

He should be doing overnights during the week though.

Eralos · 23/08/2021 21:48

Court order.

Queenie6655 · 23/08/2021 21:48

@Soontobe60

The starting point for coparenting should always be 50/50. That’s what the courts deem to be in the best interests of the child in most cases.

Not when there is abuse like this surely??

FoodIsOnMyMind · 23/08/2021 21:52

Get a Cao. Weekends will be divided equally.

You won't need a lawyer. You can do this yourself. Mediation 1st for a miam then just go staright to court £215.
Most courts you can apply online too now. It's really easy.

We had the opposite. Dhs ex was using child as a weapon and not allowing dh to see the child. Weekends and school holidays are divided equally.

Original poster

MagicalCreatures · 23/08/2021 22:36

The problem with doing every other weekend is that I work a Saturday. He doesn't work weekends at all.
So if he gets him Saturday and Sunday one weekend, great, I get him the next but I will still then only see him the Sunday. Unfortunately I can't stop working Saturdays. The nature of my job means just that.
He has always had our Son Saturdays. Since he was 5 months old and I returned to work. So it's something that I feel should Continue.

Also, he has been financially abusive and coming to a financial settlement is proving somewhat impossible. He wants me to walk away with less then him.
I had to start privatly renting because he refused to leave the family home. I am getting UC temporarily until the family home sells. Which will be soon.
And when it does I receive no more help from UC and will rely on the equity I get (nowhere near enough to purchase another property but too much to receive beneifts) to pay my bills and rent. Our Son is still too young to be in full time childcare with help from the government. I also couldn't afford the costs privately. So therefore I can only work so many hours a week for the timebeing so I will be dipping into that money substantially.

I just don't know where I stand. Whether I can say to him, tough. Weekends should be 50/50 but then I don't really have the guts to even try it.

We have mediation coming up for the financial stuff and I will be mentioning this at the same time but it could be months before anything happens and he is refusing to give him back to me on Sundays.

I would be more than happy to be flexible if I had my son every Sunday. For example if he wanted to take him away for a weekend, that's fine. Because I know I'm guaranteed to see my son every Sunday so I don't mind missing one here and there so he can go away with him.

But I don't see why I should have to give up my one Sunday a fortnight with him because he has made arrangements for when he should be having our Son

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 23/08/2021 22:41

@MagicalCreatures

The problem with doing every other weekend is that I work a Saturday. He doesn't work weekends at all. So if he gets him Saturday and Sunday one weekend, great, I get him the next but I will still then only see him the Sunday. Unfortunately I can't stop working Saturdays. The nature of my job means just that. He has always had our Son Saturdays. Since he was 5 months old and I returned to work. So it's something that I feel should Continue.

I just don't know where I stand. Whether I can say to him, tough. Weekends should be 50/50 but then I don't really have the guts to even try it.

We have mediation coming up for the financial stuff and I will be mentioning this at the same time but it could be months before anything happens and he is refusing to give him back to me on Sundays.

But I don't see why I should have to give up my one Sunday a fortnight with him because he has made arrangements for when he should be having our Son

Do you not have time with him in the week or do you work weekdays as well as saturdays?

BrieAndChilli · 23/08/2021 22:43

Could he have him overnight from Friday evening until Saturday evening and then you have him Saturday evening and all day Sunday? Then he can also have him a. Oriole of nights in the week too?

Ringsender2 · 23/08/2021 22:43

Aside from him being a piece if shit and all that could be said anout that, would a swap to Friday night and Saturday day work? You could have Saturday night and all Sunday.

Babyroobs · 23/08/2021 22:46

@MagicalCreatures

The problem with doing every other weekend is that I work a Saturday. He doesn't work weekends at all. So if he gets him Saturday and Sunday one weekend, great, I get him the next but I will still then only see him the Sunday. Unfortunately I can't stop working Saturdays. The nature of my job means just that. He has always had our Son Saturdays. Since he was 5 months old and I returned to work. So it's something that I feel should Continue.

I just don't know where I stand. Whether I can say to him, tough. Weekends should be 50/50 but then I don't really have the guts to even try it.

We have mediation coming up for the financial stuff and I will be mentioning this at the same time but it could be months before anything happens and he is refusing to give him back to me on Sundays.

But I don't see why I should have to give up my one Sunday a fortnight with him because he has made arrangements for when he should be having our Son

The house would still be sold whether you had stayed there or not unless you had got a court order to stay until your child is 18. You can't exactly blame him for wanting half the equity from the house so he can start afresh too. even if you had stayed in the house you would be in exactly the same position with regards to UC unless you had negotiated staying there long term and taking on the mortgage yourself and buying him out which it doesn't sound like you are in a position to do?

Original poster

MagicalCreatures · 23/08/2021 23:11

Well my thinking was one week he has him on a Friday night and I pick him up Saturday night and then the following week he has him Saturday and Saturday night and I pick him up Sunday.

Cos there's been a few occasions where he has wanted to do something on a Saturday night so couldn't have our Son but then wants him for the Sunday all day instead. Usually my Sunday with him.
Meaning he's not having him overnight at all some weeks and CMS have already told me that if this becomes regular then he should be upping his payments to me.

So I figured that way, he can arrange to do things some Saturday nights and also gets a Sunday lay in every other week. And then if we ever did have an event we needed to attend mensing we couldn't have our Son, we could swap weeks. Which I'm happy to accommodate as long as I'm getting my equal share of weekend time with my son.

@ I don't blame him for wanting his equal share of equity. I blame him for wanting me to walk away with less when I gave up my full time career to raise our Son.
He wants 50% equity. To keep the £15k savings in his account and his £30k pension. He has a full time job with Continuous earning potential where he can get another mortgage with his share of the equity.

I always work a whole day in the week where my mum has my son for free. I can't ask her for anymore. All day Saturday.
I qualified for early childcare help where my son goes to nursery 2 afternoons a week so I can start building up more work in preparation of living the single parent life and paying a shit load of rent. Because i can't get another mortgage.

This means that yes I get my son in the week but only for a couple of days. I am often juggling everything in this time, housework, washing, shopping etc etc.

His dad would not want him overnight in the week cos he gets up very early for work and leaves very early.

OP posts:

CookieCrunch123 · 23/08/2021 23:11

Do you have a day off during the week to spend time with your child? Would your DP take child during the week? If not he should be helping with childcare costs surely anyway? He would have to cover some childcare costs if you went 50/50 custody. Mediation is probably the best step to try next. He does sound very difficult!

CookieCrunch123 · 23/08/2021 23:16

I don’t understand the fuss about Sunday’s if you have days off during the week? You could do your housework on Sundays to free up the weekdays if you wanted. Your ex sounds like an arse tho. He should be taking your DC during the week so you can work or helping pay for childcare. You r basically free childcare for him so he can work at the expense of your own ability to work whilst you struggle to pay rent etc. Not at all fair or equal.

Original poster

MagicalCreatures · 23/08/2021 23:17

My solicitor told me I could have got a mesher order meaning he would have had to stay on the mortgage until DS was 18. I could have afforded the mortgage payments with some help from UC and building up work again but after suffering years of emotional abuse in that property, him refusing to leave the family home and also, not wanting any financial tie to him whatsoever after being told I owe him money for mortgage payments since having our DS, I didn't want to live there anymore. If his name stayed on that mortgage, he would make my life even more hell for the next 15 years

OP posts:

Original poster

MagicalCreatures · 23/08/2021 23:22

My argument over the weekends is because it's weekend time. It's special time where he gets to see his grandparents and cousins.
He is spending 3 days put of 4 with my ExH family. He gets barely anytime with mine whatsoever. He is missing them. Considering he used to see them every week, he now sees them once a month if we're lucky.
Saturdays were always his family day cos i worked and hen Sundays we would usually do something with mine when we were together.

If my son was at school, I'd see him 3 evenings in the week for dinner and bed. I'd be doing all the school runs, early mornings, the nights because my ExH job wouldn't allow him to do any of that. But then he'd get all the fun time at the weekend to go out and do nice things, see family etc.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 23/08/2021 23:24

You need ex to have him Saturdays to cover ypir working day so I would go with ex picks him up on Friday after work then you pick him up Saturday night.

FrenchBoule · 23/08/2021 23:28

If he can’t have him on Saturday then that’s it.

Get a court order for the contact.

I’d also see solicitor about division of assets re divorce.

His wants doesn’t get.

Stand up for yourself and your son.

Original poster

MagicalCreatures · 23/08/2021 23:29

@Hankunamatata

This is kinda what I want, but he won't agree to me having my son on Sundays. He's only agreed from 11am every other Sunday. The other Sunday he doesn't bring him back till 4.30 and refuses to budge on this.
I just don't know my rights in saying 'no, this isn't fair. Weekends and Bank Holidays should be 50/50. I've tried but he point blank refuses

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 23/08/2021 23:31

@MagicalCreatures

Well my thinking was one week he has him on a Friday night and I pick him up Saturday night and then the following week he has him Saturday and Saturday night and I pick him up Sunday.

This means that yes I get my son in the week but only for a couple of days. I am often juggling everything in this time, housework, washing, shopping etc etc.

His dad would not want him overnight in the week cos he gets up very early for work and leaves very early.

The financial side of things need to be sorted out properly through a solicitor.

Original poster

MagicalCreatures · 23/08/2021 23:32

@FrenchBoule I do have a solicitor but funds are very tight at the moment until we reach a financial settlement and the funds are released from our sale.
We have mediation coming up but I don't even know why I'm bothering and wasting more time. He is not someone that gives in. He has to 'win' and when he thinks he is right, there's no changing that

OP posts:

EccentricaGalumbits · 23/08/2021 23:35

@Hankunamatata

You need ex to have him Saturdays to cover ypir working day so I would go with ex picks him up on Friday after work then you pick him up Saturday night.

This was suggested upthread too and the OP didn't respond, it seems the logical way to split weekends 50/50, give both parties the chance for a night out, and allow the OP to work Saturdays.

OP I also suggest you ask him to put what he wants in writing. It sounds like you're the one trying to come up with all the answers, and that makes it easy for him to sit back and find fault. Let him take his fair share of the work in finding a solution. (My bet is that he'll shut up and accept your plan.)

toocold54 · 23/08/2021 23:41

There seems to be a lot of tit for tat (which does happen after a break up) but it ends up creating extra stress for everyone.

You are the RP so you see your son more than him. If I read it correctly you also have him every other Sunday from 11. So why can’t you see your family on this day?

MorningNinja · 23/08/2021 23:43

You're off with your DS in the week. He isn't in the education system so wanting your DS to spend time with his wider family rather than his DF is completely bonkers!

If the wider family want to see him, arrange it for in the week/Sunday evening.

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