What are my rights as a Mother after separation

[MagicalCreatures]

Posted here for traffic as I need as much help as I can get.

I left my STBXH in January this year.
He was emotionally abusive. Always had to have the control, made me feel worthless since having DS who is now 2.5 because I didn't contribute towards the mortgage anymore (I still worked part time and my money bought everything else we needed)
He didn't bond with DS until a few months after i left him. And i believe the only reason he has is to try to prove to everyone that there was no reason why I left him. He has a lot of narcissistic traits.

Anyway, I have been through the mill since leaving him. He has hit me with everything he has got. Cannot stand the fact that I had the guts to leave him.
I encouraged him to be a better father and to see our son more as he didn't seem to bothered at first. I've really shot myself in the foot it seems.

I never liked the way people use the children to hurt the other parent. I've seen so many people affected by the selfishness of these type of people and I swore my DS wouldn't be dragged into all that hate.
I have tried so hard to be amicable with him but I am now having to go down the route of a non molestation order.
I desperately wanted to be able to have the type of co-parenting relationship that means our DS benefits.

So I started off with saying ExH could see DS on a Tuesday and Thursday evening for a couple of hours.
I've also always worked a saturday due to the nature of my Job and even before we split, ExH always had DS on a Saturday.
So during lockdown (when I wasn't working) he started having him from 12pm Saturday, overnight and I would collect him Sunday at 3pm.

This was OK at the time as I was living with my parents (he refused to leave our home) so my DS was seeing them alot.
But when I returned to work, he started having him at 9.30am Saturday, overnight and still until 3-3.30pm Sunday. I had then also moved into my own place with DS so I asked him if, since I was now back at work and he's having him from early Saturday, could I have him back earlier Sundays so he gets one day each at the weekends with us and our families.
He point blank refused. Uses his parental responsibility rights to every advantage. After much arguing, I finally got him to compromise that I can pick him up at 12pm every other Sunday. This still didn't seem fair to me as he demands to have him every bank holiday and is getting DS for 3 out of 4 days over a 2 weekend period.
Because of this, ExH family are seeing him loads and my family only got to see him once a fortnight if that (cos sometimes they might have plans)

He then decided one day that he would start bringing him back at 4.30 every other Sunday I stead of 3.30 so then I demanded I get him back at 11am instead of 12pm on my Sunday.

Since then, he has now told me there is an occasion on a Saturday (at short notice) that he can't have our Son due to a social thing he has planned for himself. So he demanded that he have him from 10.30am on the Sunday instead.
But that was my Sunday to have him.
I told him that just cos he can't have DS Saturday, doesn't mean I get too cos I have to work still and will have to find childcare. And that he would be taking DS from me on my day with him.
I've planned my entire calender up to Christmas with what I can and can't do either DS because of the weekends I get with him and I found this really unfair.

He started accusing me of denying him access to his son and saying it will be noted down etc.

In my opinion, he gets him far more then most fathers do. I have always been very fair in offering him extra time with him, for example when I went away for a weekend with DS and my family for my birthday. He had him the weekend before and after all day Saturday and all day Sunday and an extra evening in the week.

So I don't doubt myself for a second that I've been fair but I don't know where I stand in telling him I think weekends and Bank holidays should be 50/50 because he won't budge.

The daisy chain foundation have said they will help me with chukd arrangements but not until the non molestation order is in place cos he might get nasty again.

Please help

To answer your original question, you don’t really have any rights as a mother. You, and exDH, have responsibilities to act in the best interests of your child. You do need to go to court to get this sorted out properly if you can’t do it in mediation, but you might need to change your mindset a bit. The court will come at it from the child’s interests and won’t be interested in the tit for tat stuff that’s been going on. Hard, I know.

Since he is being uncooperative I would be looking to change job to weekdays and find childcare. Then do alternative weekends.

@Hankunamatata

Since he is being uncooperative I would be looking to change job to weekdays and find childcare. Then do alternative weekends.

Absolutely agree with this, especially when he starts school. It will make life so much easier.

To put it into perspective OP, if this was a mother complaining a father refused access on a Saturday because they worked, it would go down like a led balloon on the fathers end. You want it to be more equal, then you need to arrange alternative childcare on Saturdays or shift careers. I wouldn’t find it acceptance if my child’s parent said they couldn’t do weekends due to work. As a parent I juggle and drop days to accommodate seeing my children. It’s a sacrifice that doesn’t last forever.

Hi OP,
You are asking a lot about your rights as a mother, and it seems (forgive me if I am wrong) that it is with the expectation that your rights will trump those of the father. They don't.

My advice to you is to go into mediation with a number of options. Go in, knowing what is the "best" you hope for and the "worst" you are prepared to accept, and negotitate between those two positions.

I also advice you to look upon it as the court does. While your child is not in school, they will not see the weekends as you do - they will see that you are proposing one night out of 14 for your ex, and they are likely to think that is not enough. Even where there is DA the courts look for significant contact with both parents.

I also advise you to draw up something now that addresses the changes when your child attends school. So, you can have an arrangement that works for now, and another that will kick in when school starts.

It isn't right that your ex is demanding every weekend and Bank Holiday. But you need to put together a proposal that is more fair than cutting his contact nights by half.

@Soontobe60

The starting point for coparenting should always be 50/50. That’s what the courts deem to be in the best interests of the child in most cases.

I think not.

OP, my daughter got 70% of the equity in the house and 50% of the largest pension. Being a sahm parent will often be reflected in a bigger than 50/50 split of assets. You need legal help op.

Despite abuse he got every other weekend and four weeks a year. That is pretty standard. 50/50 care was not possible.