To ask how to be positive when you’ve had an utterly shit life so far?

[MiserableLifeEndsHere]

Just that really.

Any ideas?

Or AIBU to think I can turn from a bitter old bag into a positive, happy, confident person?

Life has been a big struggle from early childhood. Lots of terrible bad luck and traumatic experiences. Therapy has not helped much other than to understand that it wasn’t my fault but I still live with the after effects. Life is tough at the moment but I really want to start feeling positive about my future (what’s left it it!) to motivate me to move on.

Can’t afford a life coach.

Anyone tried anything that worked?

You (to use your words) don’t want to be a bitter old bag so I’d say that’s a pretty big tick in the positive column!
I look for the little wins everyday, woo the train was on time, yes my favourite crisps are on special, ooh nice evening for a walk etc. Sounds very cheesey but definitely helps me! Maybe make a list of goals for yourself and then a plan to accomplish them?

Ah, honey, it sounds like you're already half way there.

I think gratitude is a wonderful attitude. Being grateful for the good stuff, or like @FlorenceNightshade says, the little wins.

Cosy bed? There's something to be grateful for. And so on. I think there's a gratitude thread or two on here.

Also, reading really helps me. Once I'm into a good book, I'm there, in another world, another life. Choose your books carefully and you can travel the world, travel through time, be somebody entirely different. I find that has two effects on me. I'm relaxed and I've escaped the drudgery of everyday life for a wee while.

Ditto music.

Doing things that you enjoy, spending time with people you like, going to places that make you feel happy. These are things that are good for the soul and will help with your outlook.

I hope you find some peace @MiserableLifeEndsHere.

Write all the tiny positives in a daily journal and when you are feeling miserable flick back through the list of life’s small pleasures and achievements. This really helps me.

I like the advice you’ve been given and definitely believe you can put the bitter behind you. Therapy is important and has a crucial place often , but I think it needs to finish eventually too as it encourages ‘inward looking ‘ rather than trying to care about others and seeking positives around you.
I would also add try ‘The Power of Positive Thinking ‘ which is a huge bestseller for a reason . I think it’s on you tube free if you like audio and the author is clearly a strong Christian but I think its advice is extremely good for anyone.

Have you read any of the Stoics? Try The Daily Stoic (website/insta/FB/podcast)

To get to a place where you acknowledge things are not your fault is huge. I agree with PP you are already on your way

Ps I’m sad you’ve had a hard time and it can’t be easy so hope some of these things help and that you can heal and move on, however long you need x

So what got you through all the shit stuff. What is it about you and your life that has kept you going all these years. Focus on that and what you can do other than just survive with these amazing attributes.

SELF compassion. Accept yourself as you are now, even if you're trying to change your mindset.
There's so much information on youtube. Look at Kirsten Neff and Chris Germer.

Look at Carole s Pearson's awakening the archetypes within. It's really good. I could see that I was over identifying with orphan for a long time. Which is not inherently bad. It's just, it keeps you safe. It keeps you stuck. You never take a risk. You stay small.

BUT, when you've been through a lot of shit, it's not ''wrong'' as it keeps you SAFE!!! I save a lot of money when I was over identifying with orphan.

It's a fascinating look at how you view the world can affect your life. There are pitfuls and pros to each. It gives you exercises to awaken different mindsets or archetypes within.

such a great book

Daily meditation?

Half an hour for yourself to reflect, acknowledge the shit stuff but then leave it behind you. The future is for you, think of yourself as a seed, you've been bashed about and neglected in the dark a bit, but your potential is there inside you just waiting for the sun, ready to bloom.

In addition to the comments from others, helping others can be a great way of avoiding getting stuck on thoughts about your circumstances/past and get a positive feeling from others. It could be volunteering, or just checking in on an elderly neighbour, whatever you feel you can fit in to your life.

Also take control of a few relatively easy things in your life that will make you feel good.

Try to eat healthily (can be a bit tricky if you are maybe on a budget but any small improvements help - things like drinking plenty of water and eating veg), do some exercise whether that's a daily walk or something more. Your body and mind need care and nurture - give yourself some attention.

I tell myself that everyone gets dealt the same amount of shit in their lifetime, but I just got all mine in the first 45 years. Parents, grandparents and brother all died early - my brother only at 47 and my mum at 53. I keep telling myself that I’ve had the worst anyone can throw at me, it’ll never be that bad again, and it hasn’t.

Sorry life has been rubbish

One thing that helps me is, whatever happens, have I learnt a lesson? Whatever it may be, can I take something positive from the situation however small.

CBT on working with negative thoughts. Focus on recognizing when your thinking is unhelpful and look for ways to challenge that - onnline CBT resources like Get Self Help have loads of stuff on this. Read about cultivating gratitude - 21 days of practising is enough to make a lasting habit per the research. Check out the stuff online about happiness. Dont force yourself to be positive all the time - focus on being realistic instead. So, if you have a bad day, it can be a real challenge to find a positive point about it, but a realistic view may be everyone has bad days, it is over now, and tomorrow is a blank slate. We can get very stuck on going over and over what has not worked for us, but it only makes our mood worse. Good luck, sounds like you have done a lot to help yourself so far.

Gratitude journal. 3 things you are grateful for every day
Practice self care every day so every day do one thing that is just for you and that you know us good for you
Take up yoga

Sorry to hear OP.

I had a very hard start in life. What helps me is: my faith. (No help if this is not your thing of course.) And practising gratitude. Literally a list of three things I’m grateful for, big or small, on that day. And helping others — sometimes formally through volunteering, sometimes just in normal everyday ways. Finally, having regular breaks from SM.

I had a very abusive childhood, my mother was in hospital for two years from when I was 15 and then died when I was 17. I had to leave home at 19 and took my younger sister with me.

My first husband was controlling and abusive as well.

I have had therapy to try to manage how o feel and I know it wasn't my fault. One thing which helps me is trying to see the positive where I can. So - my dad hit us but that made me very clear that I had to get to university as that was my route out of home.

I also accept I'm not perfect and that I can only do my best.

It's hard because I feel like I can't really talk about it with other people because if they didn't experience that life they can't understand what it was like.

If someone asked about my life I'd say life dealt me a really rubbish hand, but I played a good game and I've won

I just tell myself that everything I’ve experienced has Made me who I am today and to be kind to myself.

The old mantra ‘this too shall pass’ for when things get bad again and corny as it sounds, a vision board.

Couple of years ago I did a woman’s empowerment course and the leader was big on these, find pictures etc of what you want in all aspects of your life and put them in an a3 sheet and keep it up somewhere to remind you. Then work towards each thing and be open to opportunities.

Also, try and find a mentor for just an hour a month to talk through a goal and to get advice and support towards that.

Take each day, week and month as it comes and take small steps towards what you want to achieve and don’t waste energy on negative people or situations

Firstly, let go of the misconception that there is a 100% happy version of yourself you can become as this doesn't exist for anyone, at least not permanently.
It is OK to be unhappy about your past. But you should still own it, it's your life and to be here today you had to ensure certain hardships so give yourself credit for that. Ask yourself what you really want. Not what you think you should want or what others think you should want and go after that. You're asking how to find motivation for the future, deciding what it is you want is key.

*endure not ensure

Thank you, thank you, thank you op.

I too have been hit with the shit stick of life, even others have commented that my life always seems so hard.
It has ground me down and I have noticed that everything I say & do is always in such a negative way. It’s no wonder colleagues chat to me about themselves but don’t bother listening when I speak, I must just moan endlessly!
I keep trying to be positive but struggling to lose the mindset I’ve been in so long.

I’ve already signed up for the daily stoics & ordered a couple of the books recommended.
Loving this thread and all the wonderful suggestions.

AIBU to think I can turn from a bitter old bag into a positive, happy, confident person?
YANBU. WE can be positive, happy people

So much great advice on thread already, I just wanted to add that I was dealt a 'crap hand of cards' but I'm here to tell the tale xx I learned the power of positivity and will always have an attitude of gratitude x you can do it xx daily affirmations as well as daily reminders of my affirmations xx you can do it, definitely xx

Really sorry that you’ve had a difficult time. Wonder if some kind of engagement with the natural world, or animals, could help heal your soul. Some people find something purer or more transcendent in those interactions and experiences.