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Original poster

My partner said he was seeing someone else and then said he wasn’t

91 replies

Anon199000000 · 23/08/2021 17:20

My partner is 29 and I am 23. We had a baby 3 months ago and he constantly drinks almost every night. He then spends the following day sleeping all day so he doesn’t help at all. He spends 5 minutes a day holding our son and takes one million pictures that he then posts all over his social media and sends to his parents. I do everything, the only time he offers to do anything is when his parents visit. He often disappears all night and I don’t know where he is or who he is with. We are behind on rent and are close to being evicted as well as all our other bills, he runs off with the little money we do have and spends it on cigarettes and alcohol. He hasn’t worked in months. I have gone into debt trying to pay all our bills. He says this is my problem and I need to sort it out on my own. He take my debit card without my permission and spends lots of money at the shop that he knows I don’t have, my bank account is always overdrawn. He takes my car without my permission and drives it drunk. He has the audacity to complain I don’t have sex with him anymore and he’s not being in a sexless relationship , we should have sex everyday. I gave birth 3 months ago, I had a forceps delivery, they cut me (episiotomy), I also had a second degree tear and I had internal tearing from the forceps. We’ve had sex probably about 8 times in the last 3 months which I know if not a lot but I’m tired and I feel self conscious in my post pregnancy body, I still have about a stone to loose before I am back to pre pregnancy weight and I have a lot of new stretch marks and my belly hangs. My boobs are saggier now as well. I’ve tried to leave him but he won’t let me take my son, he says his son won’t be staying in my families spare bedroom and I should F off but he and my son are staying put. He refuses to leave our flat, his family bought us a lot of furniture and baby things which he says I am not allowed to take with me. Then he says no one is going to be playing daddy with his son and he is going to have him half the time which I’ve said isn’t fair with such a young baby and he accuses me of trying to take his son from him. The way he talks to me is just vile.. he calls me every name under the sun when I criticise him for how he is behaving. He screams at me and runs around the house slamming doors, which I’ve tried to get him to stop doing as it scares our baby. I told him I hate him and he ruined my life and He got so angry he punched the door and broke his hand. He punched the wall the other night when we were arguing about money and put a hole in it and burst our light switch. He told me yesterday he has never loved me, we are worlds apart, He is seeing someone else..and then said he isn’t but every time he goes out he has had the chance to but hasn’t because he thinks of our son...our whole relationship he has always hidden his phone from me and when I have had a glimpse at his screen I’ve seen he messages lots of girls who he claims are just friends and people he’s known for years from school. When I’ve shouted and sworn at him for the way he’s behaved he has taken a video of me. He says he has taken recordings of me. I told him I feel drained, need help with the baby and really need a break, he says I should keep that to myself.

I take great care of my son despite everything

He does all this then issues these big grand apologies and promises me he’s not drinking again, he’s going to be working and he’s going to spoil me and our son, he loves me to bits etc.

I know I need to leave, I don’t have any money, I can stay with family for a bit but I need to buy all new things for baby as well. I can’t go back to work just yet as I can’t afford the childcare and can only have my partners mother watch my son a few days a week which I’m not so sure I want.

I suppose I just wanted to come on here and have a rant.. he’s always been a bad partner looking back but ever since I had our son the way he behaves is just disgusting.

Ugh, I feel so trapped. So down. I talk to my mum about things, we are close. But I think she’s fed up of hearing about it all. I’m just really waiting until I finally know he’s going to be out of the house for long enough for me to leave. I’m just so worried about what the future holds ..

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 24/08/2021 07:03

This is one of the worst posts I've read here for a long time. It's horrifying. You need to leave.

MydogWillow · 24/08/2021 07:57

How are you OP?

Great advice already given. You need to gather the important paperwork including your flat rental, all financial stuff, baby records and get out today.

Leave anything his family have given you. Babies only need the basics. Drive to to your mums when he is asleep. If you haven't already done so, contact the support agencies people have already mentioned. Log everything you have written here with the police, tell them you are fleeing so they are aware if anything needs following up.

If your mum doesn't know everything, show her your initial post. She will be there for you.

Contact everyone you are in debt to and work out a payment plan. No-one will take it further if you talk to them. Break it down bit by bit and before you know it, you'll be straight and back in control.

You sound like a strong, capable women and will create an amazing life with your son. It can start today.

LBirch02 · 24/08/2021 09:45

Leave OP. You will be fine. You’ll be able to rebuild your life

RightYesButNo · 24/08/2021 10:07

OP, I know you’re worried, but please read this. I think when people are worried about “replacing all baby’s things,” this is so valuable. All Finnish babies are given this care package that costs the state £140, and 95% of families, even if they’re rich, choose to take it instead of £140 in cash. It’s the only things baby really needs - a few rompers, pyjamas, a small mattress that fits in the box, and then they actually sleep in the box. And there’s nothing wrong with it. And Finland has one of the lowest infant mortality rates! A 3 month old doesn’t need nearly the amount we’re led to believe. So please don’t worry about money.
www.bbc.com/news/magazine-22751415

Also, no. No court will give an infant that small to the person who provides no care for it, for even one overnight, let alone 50% of the time. It won’t happen. Women’s Aid, in situations like this where a partner has threatened to not let you leave with baby (even though he provides no care for baby!!!!) will sonetimes recommend that you either tell him that you and baby have a hospital appointment and leave that way (with all important papers stuffed in your nappy bag) or make an actual GP appointment for you and baby, and when you get there tell them you’re not going back home. Maybe that’s an option.

savethatkitty01 · 24/08/2021 10:45

You know what you need to do. Yank up your big girl britches, this isn't just about you anymore

Spidey66 · 24/08/2021 11:24

@RightYesButNo

OP, I know you’re worried, but please read this. I think when people are worried about “replacing all baby’s things,” this is so valuable. All Finnish babies are given this care package that costs the state £140, and 95% of families, even if they’re rich, choose to take it instead of £140 in cash. It’s the only things baby really needs - a few rompers, pyjamas, a small mattress that fits in the box, and then they actually sleep in the box. And there’s nothing wrong with it. And Finland has one of the lowest infant mortality rates! A 3 month old doesn’t need nearly the amount we’re led to believe. So please don’t worry about money. www.bbc.com/news/magazine-22751415

Also, no. No court will give an infant that small to the person who provides no care for it, for even one overnight, let alone 50% of the time. It won’t happen. Women’s Aid, in situations like this where a partner has threatened to not let you leave with baby (even though he provides no care for baby!!!!) will sonetimes recommend that you either tell him that you and baby have a hospital appointment and leave that way (with all important papers stuffed in your nappy bag) or make an actual GP appointment for you and baby, and when you get there tell them you’re not going back home. Maybe that’s an option.

I think I've heard of this box in the UK, I think some trusts have been piloting it.
MydogWillow · 24/08/2021 11:26

@RightYesButNo

OP, I know you’re worried, but please read this. I think when people are worried about “replacing all baby’s things,” this is so valuable. All Finnish babies are given this care package that costs the state £140, and 95% of families, even if they’re rich, choose to take it instead of £140 in cash. It’s the only things baby really needs - a few rompers, pyjamas, a small mattress that fits in the box, and then they actually sleep in the box. And there’s nothing wrong with it. And Finland has one of the lowest infant mortality rates! A 3 month old doesn’t need nearly the amount we’re led to believe. So please don’t worry about money. www.bbc.com/news/magazine-22751415

Also, no. No court will give an infant that small to the person who provides no care for it, for even one overnight, let alone 50% of the time. It won’t happen. Women’s Aid, in situations like this where a partner has threatened to not let you leave with baby (even though he provides no care for baby!!!!) will sonetimes recommend that you either tell him that you and baby have a hospital appointment and leave that way (with all important papers stuffed in your nappy bag) or make an actual GP appointment for you and baby, and when you get there tell them you’re not going back home. Maybe that’s an option.

Agreed. Very helpful post.
minnimiss · 24/08/2021 15:01

Next time he goes to the pub just put all the baby things into the car and drive to your mums, or ask her to come and collect you. If you need to you can leave with just a changing bag. The important thing is ending the abuse ASAP because it seems to be escalating and it will continue to get worse.

You're life will be so much better without him in it!

Clarkey86 · 24/08/2021 15:07

Please think of your baby. This is no life for him, witnessing such horrible behaviours.

Do it for yourself, but if you can’t do that, do it for him.

No child who has lived with abuse ever looks back and thinks “I’m so glad we stayed.” It might feel tough but there’s always a better way out.

Hemingwaycat · 24/08/2021 15:11

Next time he’s at the pub I’d pack all of your essential items and ask your Mum to collect you. If she can’t do that, I’d just get a taxi to her house with all of your important items. I’d call the police and tell them he has stolen your car and is drunk, they’ll find him and you’ll get your car back.

Failing that, I’d pack everything when he’s at the pub and hide it away somewhere. Wait till he’s back from the pub and asleep, pack the car up and go.

You need to get out one way or another, this is not healthy.

smashionaltreasure · 24/08/2021 15:12

Can a male relative escort you to your car? I think you're certainly entitled to take baby's things. They were given to you both for the baby's use. He won't get any overnights at the moment.

Teacupsandtoast · 29/08/2021 09:05

Op, I hope you're ok

milcal · 29/08/2021 09:41

@toothpicklover

Wait until he is out of the house and leave, if you feel unsafe leaving the house then call the police. Contact Women's Aid for support.
^^ This

You need to plan to leave as he will only get worse. Women's aid will help you leave safely. He doesn't need to know where you go. They will help sort out your benefits etc. There are funds available to help you start again.

LadyLolaRuben · 29/08/2021 10:02

Him slamming doors scares the baby...leave for this alone. You don't need much. Once your family realise how bad it is, they will rally around more than you realise.

You've been having sex while you're still healing - as soon as its safe, get out of there OP x

WoodyandOlivesMum · 31/08/2021 08:36

How are you OP? Please let us know that you're OK whatever you decided to do. No judgement.

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