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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My partner said he was seeing someone else and then said he wasn’t

91 replies

Anon199000000 · 23/08/2021 17:20

My partner is 29 and I am 23. We had a baby 3 months ago and he constantly drinks almost every night. He then spends the following day sleeping all day so he doesn’t help at all. He spends 5 minutes a day holding our son and takes one million pictures that he then posts all over his social media and sends to his parents. I do everything, the only time he offers to do anything is when his parents visit. He often disappears all night and I don’t know where he is or who he is with. We are behind on rent and are close to being evicted as well as all our other bills, he runs off with the little money we do have and spends it on cigarettes and alcohol. He hasn’t worked in months. I have gone into debt trying to pay all our bills. He says this is my problem and I need to sort it out on my own. He take my debit card without my permission and spends lots of money at the shop that he knows I don’t have, my bank account is always overdrawn. He takes my car without my permission and drives it drunk. He has the audacity to complain I don’t have sex with him anymore and he’s not being in a sexless relationship , we should have sex everyday. I gave birth 3 months ago, I had a forceps delivery, they cut me (episiotomy), I also had a second degree tear and I had internal tearing from the forceps. We’ve had sex probably about 8 times in the last 3 months which I know if not a lot but I’m tired and I feel self conscious in my post pregnancy body, I still have about a stone to loose before I am back to pre pregnancy weight and I have a lot of new stretch marks and my belly hangs. My boobs are saggier now as well. I’ve tried to leave him but he won’t let me take my son, he says his son won’t be staying in my families spare bedroom and I should F off but he and my son are staying put. He refuses to leave our flat, his family bought us a lot of furniture and baby things which he says I am not allowed to take with me. Then he says no one is going to be playing daddy with his son and he is going to have him half the time which I’ve said isn’t fair with such a young baby and he accuses me of trying to take his son from him. The way he talks to me is just vile.. he calls me every name under the sun when I criticise him for how he is behaving. He screams at me and runs around the house slamming doors, which I’ve tried to get him to stop doing as it scares our baby. I told him I hate him and he ruined my life and He got so angry he punched the door and broke his hand. He punched the wall the other night when we were arguing about money and put a hole in it and burst our light switch. He told me yesterday he has never loved me, we are worlds apart, He is seeing someone else..and then said he isn’t but every time he goes out he has had the chance to but hasn’t because he thinks of our son...our whole relationship he has always hidden his phone from me and when I have had a glimpse at his screen I’ve seen he messages lots of girls who he claims are just friends and people he’s known for years from school. When I’ve shouted and sworn at him for the way he’s behaved he has taken a video of me. He says he has taken recordings of me. I told him I feel drained, need help with the baby and really need a break, he says I should keep that to myself.

I take great care of my son despite everything

He does all this then issues these big grand apologies and promises me he’s not drinking again, he’s going to be working and he’s going to spoil me and our son, he loves me to bits etc.

I know I need to leave, I don’t have any money, I can stay with family for a bit but I need to buy all new things for baby as well. I can’t go back to work just yet as I can’t afford the childcare and can only have my partners mother watch my son a few days a week which I’m not so sure I want.

I suppose I just wanted to come on here and have a rant.. he’s always been a bad partner looking back but ever since I had our son the way he behaves is just disgusting.

Ugh, I feel so trapped. So down. I talk to my mum about things, we are close. But I think she’s fed up of hearing about it all. I’m just really waiting until I finally know he’s going to be out of the house for long enough for me to leave. I’m just so worried about what the future holds ..

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 23/08/2021 19:54

@Anon199000000

The other issue about leaving is he doesn’t have a car so when he goes out he takes mine.

Report it stolen then

Tell him he cannot have your car and when he takes it report it stolen make sure his name is not on the insurance

aerosocks · 23/08/2021 19:55

@Anon199000000

The other issue about leaving is he doesn’t have a car so when he goes out he takes mine.

Take him off the insurance, and if he takes it without your permission, report it to the police as stolen. You also need to go to the police as soon as possible about him taking your bank card and stealing your money. And as for his aggression towards you, he needs to be stopped. He's a criminal and needs to be locked up.

Please talk to family and friends about this, and also your health visitor, you need real-life support and people will help you, I promise. If you are scared, you can even speak to a pharmacist in the chemist's and they will keep you and your child safe until help arrives.

Tell the police you are being abused and financially controlled by him, that he is physically violent and you are scared he is going to hurt you and your dc.

WoodyandOlivesMum · 23/08/2021 20:07

Hi Anon,
I very occasionally look at mumsnet and came across your post. I have joined specifically to comment.
You need to remember:

You are not alone. By this, I mean than many many people go through (or are currently in) this type of situation. There is no shame in it - the shame lies with your partner for his treatment of you and your son.
There is help out there - I think Women's Aid has been mentioned. There's also Refuge, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline, and there are a few organisations that give legal advice to people in your position - you could try FLOWS (Finding Legal Options for Women Survivors).
The younger your son is when you leave your partner, the less likely he is to remember any verbal abuse, anger, etc
Generally, the longer people stay in this type of situation, the worse it gets.
You are way stronger and more resourceful than you know.

I agree with a previous poster, it sounds like you've all but made your decision and are trying to gather your courage to act. I absolutely applaud your bravery, and am sending you all my very best wishes that you can extricate yourself from this situation. God luck.

Branleuse · 23/08/2021 20:12

He is abusing you. You need to leave and take your son to your parents. Theres nothing he can do about it. Hes an abusive prick and hes trying to break you. Dont let him. He wont get even half the time because he wont want it. Guaranteed. He only plays with him 5 minutes as it is

Needtosleepzzzz · 23/08/2021 20:50

When he takes your car when he is drunk, call the police and tell them he is a drunk driver, give reg # and general idea of location… anonymously. Then leave. A driving offence won’t bode well for his trying to take your son and will demonstrate your case. Leave in the night if you have to. Please contact women's aid. My partner became very different towards me when I had my baby. It was like he enjoyed me being vulnerable (maternity leave, exhausted, recovering from birth, lack of support etc). It did not get better… it got worse!

Dodeee · 23/08/2021 20:55

You are 23! You have your whole life ahead of you. Your baby is so young that they won’t remember any of this. Get out now and your new life can be wonderful. This will not get better. You will find it increasingly harder to leave. The other posters ideas of gathering important documents (birth certificates, passport, car documents etc) is brilliant. He won’t notice they have gone. Maybe start moving clothes out gradually too (next size up for baby if you already have it) Then when you can grab a final bag of clothes and baby and go. The only way is forward and you have to do this for your child.

GameSetMatch · 23/08/2021 21:17

Pretend you are going shopping take the baby and a secret hidden bag of clothes and drive away and never look back. Go to the nearest hospital or police station and have them sort everything out for you, wether it be social services or woman’s aid, they will help you. Boots pharmacies and M&S also have trained people to help. Get your baby and yourself out of this situation now!

tuesday2am · 23/08/2021 21:19

Get out now. Please. Don’t waste another second on this man; he will end up hurting you and your son.

Like others have mentioned, pack a bag of essentials and go somewhere safe.

You’ve got this.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 23/08/2021 21:23

This sounds so familiar. Sounds like someone I used to know who got a poor girl pregnant. I hope you manage to get away from him.

Teacupsandtoast · 23/08/2021 21:23

@Anon199000000

The other issue about leaving is he doesn’t have a car so when he goes out he takes mine.

Get a taxi/lift, report your car as stolen. He is nothing, he is pathetic - YOU are strong and can do this for you and your baby x

OnceTheyDid · 23/08/2021 21:36

You need to leave this man before he really hurts you. He sounds awful. You need to keep that baby safe.

Do it for your baby.

phishy · 23/08/2021 21:41

Hide the keys to your car, when he asks ethers they are, say he had them last abs when he dies to work, yo leave with baby in car.

Rainbowqueeen · 23/08/2021 21:49

Op I feel like you know you need to leave and you want to but the 50-50 care is scaring you.
This is a common threat by abusive men. They do not follow through because looking after children is hard work. It is his way of stopping you leaving. Do not believe him.

In order to get 50-50 care you would either have to agree or he would have to apply to the court. Can you honestly see him going to that effort??
Your future without him will be amazing. Go now while your DS is too young to remember. And while your DS needs his primary caregiver so even if he did apply for 50-50 he wouldn’t get it. I’d put money on him disappearing from both your lives in a year if you get out now
Best wishes. You really can do this.

Onthebrink87 · 23/08/2021 22:07

He's a nasty piece of work and he's controlling and abusive. I would get out and I would also make a police report and make them aware of his controlling nature and volatile/aggressive behaviour - whilst its unlikely a great deal will come of it, it will be invaluable when he starts trying to dictate what you can and can't do with your child! You will be better off financially and emotionally without him, also raising a child in an environment like that will be really, really detrimental to their emotional development. Children at a young age leat how to moderate their behavior to manage the emotions of an adult and that can have a huge impact that can be difficult to rectify! Run fast and run far!!

Onthebrink87 · 23/08/2021 22:09

Also op, you're 23. You literally have your whole life ahead of you, take some control and ensure its a happy one

RevolvingPivot · 23/08/2021 22:15

Can you phone Woman's Aid? I know it's hard but you have to think about you and the baby. Neither of you deserve this.

Namechangedforthis111 · 23/08/2021 22:42

Agree with all the other posters. You must leave for yours and your LOs sake.

I've name changed to say this...

A friend of mine was in a very similar situation to you. Her ExH recorded her defending herself but deleted the footage of him provoking her etc so it looked as though she was the 'one with issues'. He'd drag her by her hair, punch things, he was a nasty piece of work!
She was recovering from a c section and he would constantly be pressuring her for sex. She became pregnant again when her DD was 9 weeks old (didn't go ahead with pregnancy).
When her DD was about 4 months old she plucked up the courage, got essentials together in a bag and made it look as though she was going to the shops. Told him she was going to supermarket, got in the car and left.

That was 6 years ago now and she is well rid of him. He has no access to DD and the courts saw right through his lies as she documented everything he did. Her life is so much better now and she is a wonderful mum.

Your mum sounds like she will be a great support to you OP. You have the strength and once you take that huge step the only way is up.

All the best

Spidey66 · 23/08/2021 22:55

Omg, you really need to leave for your sake and that of your baby. I'm old enough to be your mum, and. If I was I'd do anything I could to get you out.

I'd normally support dads having access to their children and not using kids as pawns but I think he's too risky to be anywhere near a baby. Please get help from anyone, your mum, domestic abuse agencies, police, even social services, but you need to get out.

I like the idea that a p.o. had of reporting him to the police when he's taken the car drunk.

You're young. You've got your whole life in front of you. Leave, before you get pregnant again.

ThreeLocusts · 23/08/2021 22:56

OP you're so young. You have time to leave, sort yourself out, enjoy some time focusing on the little one and then have an entire career if you want to.

Don't let him use your son to tie you down, it won't work. You may have some explaining to do to the courts, but all that will be so much easier once you just have the f.er out of your hair. I suspect your mother will be delighted to put you up.

blubberyboo · 23/08/2021 23:07

Please please leave.

He will definitely get worse

Women’s aid will help you and get you on your feet. Forget the material things you will be able to start again without him.

MrsJuliaGulia · 23/08/2021 23:13

Get out.
Imagine your baby turns out like this. He will if this is the behaviour he witnesses growing up. There is lots of help out there.
I was actually questioning whether or not your post was true because it sounds so appalling.
You deserve better than this cunt.

LadyJaye · 23/08/2021 23:26

Go and read some of the posts in Relationships about some very strong and brave women who have left relationships like yours.

This '50/50' thing is commonly thrown around by idiots who have no idea how family courts work: do you honestly think skilled professionals, who deal with cases like yours (and worse) day in, day out, will be taken in by this nonsense?

Get out, now. You are 23. Live your life free from fear.

FancySomeChips · 23/08/2021 23:31

You are describing my life after dc was born. To the letter.
Get out now.
You will be a million times better off, don’t listen to a word he says. Just go.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/08/2021 23:31

Get the hell out of dodge now. Preferably when he's out drinking. Take what you can and go to a family members. Now.

I absolutely guarantee you your life will be 100 times better once you're away from this abusive, selfish prick.

Summerrain123 · 24/08/2021 06:58

Visit your parents everyday over the next few days and take a bad of stiff each time. Documents, bank stuff, passport, baby book, birth certificates etc.

Some baby clothes, some of your clothes, small baby items.

Next time he is drunk. Leave with the rest of the essentials, like bottles, steamer, push chair etc.

I Doubt that Someone who is so crap at looking after their baby will not want 50/50 child care. It is a threat to make you stay.

Leave for you and your baby's sake.

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