Is this controlling/gaslighting/emotional abuse?

[Flamglimglubberty]

This will be a long one, just trying to establish if I'm being overly dramatic so I've posted here for traffic. I have name changed as this could be outing.

Married young when I was 23, we now have one DS aged 6. Been married almost 10 years. When we met DH was very kind, generous and charismatic. He has a very wide social circle, whereas I am much more introverted and have a few very close friends.

About 2 years ago DH became convinced I was conducting an emotional affair with a male work colleague, this was very much not the case and I tried to explain this to him. After much discussion it was clear that the friendship was upsetting DH, and I took him at his word that I had possibly been blind to this man trying it on with me, and me inadvertently leading him on. As it was upsetting DH I reigned in the friendship, and established boundaries to downgrade it to a purely professional relationship with my colleague. DH wanted me to find a new job so I didn't have any contact with the colleague but I put my foot down as I had just been promoted to a more senior role and didn't want to set my career back. DH ordered me not have any male friendships, and any text messages should be purely on a professional basis (no banter etc). I agreed to keep the peace as I didn't want to risk breaking up our family.

DH was very forceful about making me accept that it was an EA even though I disagreed. In the end after much protesting to avoid us divorcing I conceded on this point even though I didn't agree. DH actually threatened me with divorce and threatened to prevent me getting any custody of our child. He threatened to use my PND, and past depression as evidence I was an unfit mother. So I conceded on the emotional affair to avoid this.

Since then we've worked hard on our marriage, but every time we have any slight disagreement he brings it back round to the "emotional affair". Even trivial things like who's turn it is to take the bins out, he throws the EA back in my face and it escalates into a massive argument.

He's constantly berating me for being on my phone. He can spend hours watching sports and that's his hobby, but of I spend more than 5 mins on social media, reading news or MN he starts grilling me about how much time I spend on the phone and that I'm neglecting the family. Apparently when he and DS are watching hours of cricket or football I should be gleefully joining in even though I have zero interest in sport. On top of this is always commenting on what I eat, I can't even sniff a cookie without him passing comment. He is always reminding me I can stand to lose some weight. As an aside I'm very happy with my weight, I have a slight tummy pouch but I'm a size 12/14 and healthy BMI.

Whenever we go out he has to pass some comment on what I'm wearing, as if I'm not dressed up enough or haven't put any effort in.

It's all low level stuff, but slowly eats away at my confidence.

I always give him the option of not going round my family's at the weekend, especially if he has a football match on. But whenever there's something with his family I absolutely have to go and it escalates into a big argument that I "hate his family" if I say I don't want to go.

He's lovely to DS and is a great dad, the comments are only ever directed at me. I secretly suspect that he's just putting up with me to avoid the shame of a divorce.

Whenever we argue he makes a point to put me down Infront of DS and points out to him that I'm a bad mum.

I don't really know what I want from this thread tbh, I just feel like I'm slowly losing the plot.

Your son will think this is normal, please get out op - you don't deserve to live like this

You haven't 'worked hard on your marriage' at all..

HE has worked hard on controlling you, abusing you in a variety of ways, and doing as he damn well pleases.

YOU have worked hard on keeping the peace, compromising to avoid an argument and taking the shit he throws at you for the sake of your child and the status quo.

That is not working hard at a marriage. At best, its working hard to avoid change, that isn't good.

Get out now, run far, run fast, take your child with you, this isn't getting any better because HE has no interest in achieving that.

DH actually threatened me with divorce and threatened to prevent me getting any custody of our child. He threatened to use my PND, and past depression as evidence I was an unfit mother.

He doesn't have that much power. They don't take children away from mothers for any of those 'reasons'.
I was so ill I was almost sectioned and they didn't take my kids away. A friend of mine had such bad PND she was sectioned, and she and her LO had to go to the mother and baby unit.

So if you don't want to be with him see a solicitor asap, because he sounds like an angry man who is scared of losing control.

It is abuse, gaslighting and coercive control. The fact that everyone on this thread is telling you his behaviour is unacceptable and you should leave shows that your reasons are most definitely valid. If you leave him you will likely start to see how abusive all his behaviours are and more examples will come to you. Very common for abusive men to threaten taking the kids or bully you in the divorce. They are only doing it so they get what they want. Definitely speak to a solicitor. If you do choose to end it I suggest you have someone available nearby/ with you in case anything happens when you tell him as the abuse is likely to escalate.

He sounds vile. Horrible, nasty, vile man.

Yep he’s a controlling and is abusing both you and your son.

Get your ducks in a row and leave him. Also, ignore his statements of “I’ll get full custody as you are an unfit mother”. I very much bet, that you do the majority of caring for your son and probably do all the chauffeuring to school etc.

If you stay, your son will think this is what a relationship is supposed to be. Control, fear, belittling and power.

I very much bet, that you do the majority of caring for your son and probably do all the chauffeuring to school etc

It's actually a pretty even split. He gets up on weekend mornings and does breakfast for DS, he also cooks dinner most nights, plays sports with him. I drop off and pick up from school, wash clothes, pack lunches/book bags, do reading and other homework. We take turns doing bath time and bedtime.

He doesn't recognise the things I do as real parenting though and belittles them. In fact now I think about it, I'm sure he does the "harder" things to play the martyr. I frequently offer to make dinner but am told he'd rather do it.

but I just feel like when confronted with the reasons why they just dont really amount to much

What you have written here amounts to a HUGE amount. You and your son don't deserve to live like this.

@Flamglimglubberty

Thank you for the replies so far.

I guess what's prompted this is a minor disagreement that escalated for no discernable reason. He asked me to iron a shirt for him, I told him I couldn't as the ironing board had broken... I didn't have a surface to do it on. He told me to order a new one, but I said there's not point as all my clothes are mostly non iron dresses which I hang up when they're wet to let the creases fall out, and I iron DS's uniform on a towel on the worktop. I said we haven't got space for an ironing board, but if he wanted one as it was his clothes that needed ironing he could order one and find somewhere to store it.

Because of this apparently I spend too much time on the internet being brainwashed by feminist shit. He kept saying in front of DS I was not a good mum.

I've sat today and really thought about what divorce would look like, with a 50/50 split. I'm about 99% sure I want to leave him, but I just feel like when confronted with the reasons why they just dont really amount to much.

He's highly controlling and emotionally abusive and the way he tells you're not a good mum in front of your ds is so, so cruel to both you and ds.

Life with him may not be the full shit sandwich (mostly because he's coerced you into behaving as he wants so there are always peaceful moments) but you wouldn't eat a sandwich with just a bit of shit in it. You deserve better than just a little bit of shit in your relationships, too.

Oh my goodness OP that was a horrifying read. You can't see the wood from the trees because you've been gaslighted and are probably used to the situation.

Coercive control is abuse and a criminal offence.

A great father doesn't try to manipulate his child and use him to try and attack his mother.

Your situation sounds awful, please contact Women's Aid.

Him constantly bringing up the supposed ‘affair’ every chance he gets sounds like a familiar technique that my shitbag ex also used to use. When I first moved in with him, I guess was a bit messy for the first couple of weeks and didn’t pull my weight with the washing up as much as I should have done - in reality I probably left a couple of dishes unwashed a couple of times and that was it, but whatever. He pulled me up on it, I accepted it and apologised, and made sure I was always doing my fair share from then on (and then some… by the end of the relationship I was doing absolutely everything for him, but that’s another story).

Anyway, we were together for ten years after that, and for literally the whole of that ten years, any chance he got, he would bring up how much I ‘took the piss’ when I first moved in. He would shoehorn it into practically every argument. If I was ever upset with him about something, it would be ‘well you took the piss when you first moved in, I had to clean up after you, you took me for granted, you treated me like shit’. He was such a slob that you couldn’t see the floor for his discarded socks and beer bottles and pizza boxes but if I ever tried to point that out, it would end up being about me and how awful I was when I first moved in and how I had taken the piss.

In isolation, your ironing board argument sounds a bit strange but really not something that a married couple should be falling into a blazing row over. You deserve better than this.

If you can then leave. If you don’t your son will start to talk to you like he does. You don’t need this

He sounds bloody awful!!! I'm sure you'd be happier without him.

He’s an abusive knob and sounds narcissistic!

Please consider looking into doing the Freedom Programme in your area, your local Women’s Aid will have details, or just talk to them about your circumstances. Domestic abuse isn’t just about physical or sexual violence, it’s about control and isolating you - you DID have an EA, you WILL NOT have male friends etc.

OP, this is a seriously abusive relationship. The fact that you feel your reasons for wanting to leave 'don't amount to much' is genuinely worrying tbh. What part of how he treats you is like a caring partner who loves you? He is vile, controlling and cruel.

That motherfucker is talking pure,unadulterated horseshit saying he'd get full custody because you had post partum depression and then depression! I'm 1000% sure your mental health will improve once you are away from him. I can totally believe you are depressed-who wouldn't be-it's like you're in prison and he's the jailer! Get your ducks in a row and get out

Op, how can we help you get your ducks in a row? Aside from his horrendous coercive control of you, your son will grow up to use his father's words against you and use your relationship model as his own. You are gonna need to be really brave but the resultant freedom for you and your boy will be priceless

Deffo emotional abuse. He is probably jealous of your career hence accusing you of the EA. Please leave him for the sake of both yourself and your DS. He is setting a really bad example to your DS of how to treat women.

He kept saying in front of DS I was not a good mum

You do realise this will emotionally damage your DS? You need to end this awful relationship now.

What an awful abusive man. He is not a good dad saying that in front of your son.

You need to leave OP. You don’t want your son thinking that’s how you should treat your partner. You deserve so much better.

💐💐💐

DH ordered me not have any male friendships

That alone would have me heading for the door! I don’t trust men who think that men and women can’t be friends - it clearly means they only see women as sexual objects themselves.

Plus he sounds like an emotionally abusive prick & a man that puts down the mother of his child (at all, but especially in front of the child) isn’t a ‘good Dad’. Get out OP, life is too short for that kind of shit!

@BlackIsQueen

Op, how can we help you get your ducks in a row? Aside from his horrendous coercive control of you, your son will grow up to use his father's words against you and use your relationship model as his own. You are gonna need to be really brave but the resultant freedom for you and your boy will be priceless

Thank you all for the support. I honestly thought I was was just imagining things that were not there.

As people have mentioned by biggest concern is my DS growing up thinking this is how you treat a partner.

What steps do you take at this point. I don't want to go to court, and especially have to go through this in front of a judge... I'm genuinely worried it would be deemed silly and then used against me that I'd brought frivolous reasons or tried to paint him as abusive to get more custody. I don't want to do anything to sabotage myself.

Before I speak to him I want to have everything straight in my head. I'm leaning towards beginning the 2 year separation period, whilst hoping that no fault divorces get pushed through before the 2 years is up.

I'm planning to speak with womens aid and a lawyer tomorrow once my head is a bit clearer.