Ex husband constantly feeds kids junk food!! 😫😫

[1988TBT]

Bit of background for you… been divorced 3 years. Kids go to their dads every other weekend and one day every week. Approx 70/30 split. Ex DH is extremely overweight with very poor nutritional knowledge. Something that did eventually contribute along with many other factors to our divorce. When the kids go to him they are fed junk and takeaways the whole time! If it’s not a takeaway it’s sugary cereal or sausage and egg etc, I have tried to mention it to ex DH but he always says sorry etc it was a one off. I really can’t see how as an adult he can’t see the damage he is doing to both himself and our children! Kids come back to me cranky, stroppy and knackered from late nights and poor nutrition… then as per usual I have to play boring mum bad cop by balancing out the junk and feeding them healthy food. I wanted to get them a McDonald’s as a treat today after coming back from their dads but really can’t see how I can now when I know they’ve had 4 takeaways with him over 3 days! I’m not a health freak and eat my fair share of junk but as a family we have a balanced diet and I try to teach my children about nutrition and what their body needs to function etc. Oldest daughter takes it as a personal attack against her dad when I mention their food at his etc and now I’m sure he’s started asking them to lie to me about what they’ve eaten when I ask.

Anyone got any advice or similar situation?!

I feel for you. I think I would just ensure that while they are with you that they are eating healthily and getting fresh air and exercise. Try to block out what Dad is doing.

I should add, I’m in no way a ‘fatist’ but I would like my children to learn the benefits of nutrition and be aware of the dangers of being overweight as a child x

You could get them watching kids cooking programs, get them into thinking about their food? You sound like a good mum.

I would be very upset too, he is being completely irresponsible, but unfortunately I don’t think you have any say over what he feeds the dc in his time. I would refrain from mentioning anything in front of the kids and just ensure they eat well when with you.

I have a similar situation. I don’t think there is much that can be done.

It’s so frustrating in more ways than one

I don't think there is much you can really do, which is unfortunate.

Ultimately though, the children spend enough time with you that you can instil good habits and they won't suffer from what he feeds them.

I think it's probably going to be important that you don't give them a complex/ cause them to feel guilty as to eating junk food, as that is what can cause poor eating habits in the future.

He is also their parent. The best you can do is feed them your way when they are with you. Do you have any other concerns about Ex's parenting?

Yes you’re right @ClaudiaWankleman I try so hard not to put too much attention or emphasis on their diets but when I see/hear what they’ve been eating at their dads it’s so frustrating . I grew up with a mum that was constantly on a diet which led me to believe that was the norm until I got to adulthood and learned better of it

@CoffeeRunner aside from the terrible feeding and late nights generally he is pretty good. He turns up when he says he will etc and doesn’t let them down in that way

It's frustrating but I don't think there's much you can do, other than ensure that their diet is very good when they're with you. Good doesn't have to = boring, obviously! Teach them to enjoy fresh food with lots of flavour, herbs and spices, that sort of thing. If that's the way that they eat for 11 days out of every 14 then I wouldn't worry too much as I'd assume they will learn that as their "normal" way of eating and treat food as dad's as something out of the ordinary.

How old are the kids? If they are older, they might be able to help their dad out a bit with cooking, or even just take responsibility for asking him to serve some chopped salad vegetables alongside the sausage and egg and some fruit afterwards.

Or if your relationship with him is amicable enough then there might be a bit of room for being supportive and working with him to draw up a list of super easy but healthy things that they like? It could be cold food, or just something that doesn't need lots of prep. Obviously if the relationship is hostile then it's not worth it and I would revert to just cooking them healthy food at home.

How old are DC?
My 16yo started demanding healthy food herself and saying it made her feel unwell etc by 8/9

Just to add, it's not just being overweight as a child that leads to future problems. I had the opposite. We were only allowed small amounts of low calorie food (this was the 80s, everything was calorie counted no word of healthy fats or protein etc). This led to me going mad for all of the things I'd never been allowed when I starting earning my own money.

Your DCs diet is probably better balanced than you think.

YANBU but it's best to say nothing directly about it and to continue leading by example and talk generally about nutrition and the different ways that different foods fuel the body.

With a positive example, they'll grow up knowing how to make sensible choices.

They’re 5,6 and 8 so at the moment they think it’s a great way to eat! However my oldest recognised this morning when she got back that she had a bad tummy from so much rich food and also that she felt very tired etc. It was her mood/comments this morning that let me to speak to him about it… again 🙄

Can he cook?

Can you find some good microwave ready meals your kids like and then tell him which ones so he can feed them that instead? Not ideal but better than proper junk!

Oh yes he can cook, but because he chooses these foods for himself he thinks it ok for them too.

Sounds like your oldest daughter is fiercely protective of her dad but also starting to recognise that that much junk food doesn't make her feel good. Good for her. Maybe you could just say to her very neutrally that he's a very good dad, but that food is not necessarily his strong suit and remind her that it's OK for her to ask for something healthier than a takeaway sometimes, or even just to ask for a smaller portion of it and to have some fruit and vegetables alongside.

Can you do pizza bases with some fun toppings at home instead of McDonalds? (Not really a treat with all the salt and sugar!) As far as your Ex goes ,not much you can do there really .As your oldest isnt feeling too good when she goes ,maybe she will be able to let Dad know this! OW just feed them as healthily as possible when with you .Milk/or some fresh orange juice.Wholemeal sandwiches ,fresh fruit and veggies and so on .

My friend was in a similar situation when she split with her ex. He wasn’t fat but had no desire to eat healthily at all so just fed them junk constantly. She’s a health conscious vegan and up until that point, they’d always eaten the same sort of food as her. She had to learn to let go basically and accept she couldn’t control what they ate with their Dad. It’s sad but it’s something you have to accept when you end the relationship.

How can he afford it!

Appreciate what a pain it is but on the positive side he doesn't have them half or the whole time.

Can you think of some non food treats / activities you could have instead? A maccy D's prob won't feel like a treat to them anyway if they're having similar 4 x a week.

What's wrong with sausage and egg?

@1988TBT

Oh yes he can cook, but because he chooses these foods for himself he thinks it ok for them too.

You are making sure they eat well with you, which is the most important thing.

If I am perfectly honest- I would try my best to really ham up healthy eating and home cooking. In a child-friendly way I would speak to them about processed foods and get them involved in cooking with you. No McDonalds as a ‘treat’ because it really isn’t- it’s cheap, processed stodge (and I love some chicken nuggets now and again, especially with sweet curry dip!). Think of your own ‘treats’- homemade pizza night, chocolate fondue with lots of fruit… make the healthy eating and home cooking desirable. Children are parrots and will listen to you making home cooking the real treat if you force it hard enough- I’m not saying they have to eat quinoa and lentil sprouts, just normal homemade food. Hopefully- this will be something that they soon request at his and he might just rise to the occasion.

I have met loads of children who love fruit and vegetables and would turn their nose up at McDonalds or any chocolate that isn’t Montezumas …this is just down to parental conditioning.

I don’t see why people are defending your ex- he’s feeding them junk because he’s too lazy to feed them. The food is a red herring. He reminds me of my (ex) friend who would feed his son McDonalds and Cadbury mini rolls because he literally couldn’t be arsed to feed them properly.

What's wrong with sausage and egg?

Isolated, nothing.

When it's part of a menu that includes 4 takeaways in three days chronic constipation is probably going to be just a part of what is wrong with it.

All you can do is keep stressing to your ex that they need to eat healthily. Ask him to try and ensure there is fruit or veg with every meal.

Aside from the negative health implications it's very unfair when men play Weekend Disney Dad with late nights and junk food, relying on their children's mothers to ensure they are brought back on track.