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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Feel like I'm failing my daughter..

32 replies

Desario · 22/08/2021 22:30

The title states as it is..
I feel like I'm massively failing my daughter..
My daughter is nearly 3, we fled domestic abuse and she currently only sees her father at a contact centre once a month... He has very limited involvement in her life.. After a long and arduous road with child maintenance, he's finally subject to deduction of earnings.
I just feel like I'm failing her because I work full time in a very busy front line role, my hours are quite long and she starts and finishes nursery late. She's absolutely thriving in nursery and she loves it there.. She eats really well and sleeps 7 to 7 which I know is great. But I have this dull feeling inside me that I'm just not good enough or that I'm not more emotionally available to her..the weekend comes and I'm shattered but we still get up early, have play dates, go places.... This weekend the weather was miserable so we stayed indoors mostly, I spent most of the weekend tidying up, cooking, cleaning, putting washes on and just felt like I didn't allow myself to enjoy the valuable time I have with her because there's so many things to do.. I looked at my step counter just before going to bed and I clocked up over 11000 steps in the house just from being on my feet all day and doing stuff.. I just feel like I don't allow myself to sit and enjoy time with her because in the back of my mind there's always something to do... We don't have any family near by and she only has me and I just don't want her to think I was never around or available to her :( I love her so much and she's my pride and joy and she is just my everything.. I feel guilty that I work full time and every penny is accounted for, when I fled from my ex I had to start again and built up some debts by starting a new life.. The child maintenance is paying off this debt currently as I pay for everything she needs.. I rarely buy any new treats for her, I feel so guilty when we're shopping and she wants a book and I can't justify buying it.. I'm holding out a little longer till her funded hours kick in and life is a little easier financially.. I don't really know the point of this thread, I know I'm rambling.. I just felt like I was failing her by always having my mind occupied on something else because I'm on my own and there's always something to think about and do.
I guess I don't really know how to stop feeling this way.

OP posts:

PalmarisLongus · 22/08/2021 22:35

Hey OP.

You're doing great.
You're a fab mum and you're giving your little one the best life you can.

You should be absolutely proud of yourself for fleeing the bad environment and charging forward doing your best to give her everything she needs.

I'd give you a huge round of applause... But you won't hear it.. so a virtual one.. you're a

Houseplantmad · 22/08/2021 22:42

I think you sound as if you’re doing great too. You’re getting through a difficult time and you sound very together.

Your Dd will love just being with you and you could perhaps do simple activities at home like bake together/make a pizza or do something like that. Why not join the local library and she could choose a pile of books with you each time you go?

It seems you have a plan and things will get easier. Don’t be too hard on yourself

Wolfiefan · 22/08/2021 22:46

You would have failed her if you hadn’t left the abusive situation.
You’re teaching her that you have to work hard and that women can be in charge of their own lives.
Blow some bubbles and give her a hug. She doesn’t need you to be Mary Poppins. She needs you to be the strong and independent woman you’re being. You’re doing a great job.

Hankunamatata · 22/08/2021 22:48

Your dd was probably more than happy chilling in the house, pottering about. Mine were in ft nursery and they loved sundays to be PJ days.

oakleydoke · 22/08/2021 22:51

Read back what you have written here and see it as if your best friend had told it to you. What would you tell her? The same things PP have said - you are nailing this.

How lucky your daughter is to have a mum like you. Thank you for being such an excellent human.

Original poster

Desario · 22/08/2021 22:53

@oakleydoke

Read back what you have written here and see it as if your best friend had told it to you. What would you tell her? The same things PP have said - you are nailing this.

How lucky your daughter is to have a mum like you. Thank you for being such an excellent human.

You've set me off 😢😢 Thank you for all your kind comments. I guess mum guilt is forever ingrained in you no matter what you do. X

OP posts:

pinkstripeycat · 22/08/2021 22:56

My mum worked full time and at weekends did the housework and washing. My Nan picked us kids up from school and had us for most holidays altho 2 weeks in the summer we were on hols with our mum.
My Nan was more like my mum and I definitely missed out on having my own mum around a lot. I don’t think mum failed us but I wish she’d been around a lot more. Makes me sad even now and I’m in my 50s

Original poster

Desario · 22/08/2021 23:04

@pinkstripeycat

My mum worked full time and at weekends did the housework and washing. My Nan picked us kids up from school and had us for most holidays altho 2 weeks in the summer we were on hols with our mum. My Nan was more like my mum and I definitely missed out on having my own mum around a lot. I don’t think mum failed us but I wish she’d been around a lot more. Makes me sad even now and I’m in my 50s

Your feelings are extremely valid, even now so. That's how I don't want her to feel, like I wasn't around. I worry about when she goes to school and breakfast clubs and after school clubs etc.. I'm hoping because I work in the NHS I can negotiate flexibility in my hours and ensure I can do at least 1 or 2 drop offs and pick ups.. I have to work. I have no choice in that matter, but I don't want to be so emotionally unavailable to her as a result of that.

OP posts:

cheninblanc · 22/08/2021 23:11

You're doing fab. We were in a similar situation once and my daughters have nothing but fond memories of us together. I now have 2 teenage daughters who work hard at school and 6th form, both have jobs, help round the house and we are really close. I'm remarried and we all have our independence. Keep going, bet your dd loved chilling at home today x

Goldbar · 22/08/2021 23:28

You're doing amazingly. You haven't failed her at all. You're working so hard to make a great life for her. Things will get easier.

Don't worry about not buying new things for her. We could afford new but buy most things second-hand for our DC or get things from friends (clothes, books, toys etc.) for environmental reasons. There is no difference in enjoyment between a new book or toy and a second-hand one picked up for 30p at a local bring-and-buy sale or in a charity shop. All our DC's gifts this Christmas will be second-hand.

If I might suggest one thing, it's that you dial down the weekend activities a little bit and spend a little bit more time just chilling with her. Rather than getting up and out early, spend the morning in bed reading books with her or watching TV on the sofa and recharging your batteries a little bit, before going out for a walk. Or have a morning playdate but then have a lazy afternoon with films and hot chocolate. You sound tired . You need to look after yourself too.

Rumplestrumpet · 22/08/2021 23:34

You sound amazing OP. You had the bravery to flee a violent relationship so she would be safer and happier. You're working to provide for her AND you clearly have her at the forefront of your mind all the time. You're giving her everything she needs right now.
If you need reassuring just add an extra 5 min cuddle into the day - at bed time just take a few minutes for an extra cuddle. Forget buying things - that's really all she could need.

Well done and good luck

AppleKatie · 22/08/2021 23:42

Your daughter is loved, safe, fed and clean. She is thriving at nursery. She’s so lucky she even got a relaxing PJ Sunday. You are the very opposite of failing her.

If you’re worried you aren’t spending enough time with her- next weekend force yourself to play/snuggle whatever and ignore the housework for 2 hours. See how it feels and then review for the week after.

All this is playing around the edges though- you are providing a wonderful childhood for your daughter.

MintyCedric · 22/08/2021 23:43

You have got your daughter out of an abusive situation.

You are working hard to provide for her.

You're doing nice things with her at the weekend, weather permitting, even when you're shattered.

Quite apart from anything else your love for her absolutely shines through your post.

Your daughter won't suffer because this is her life and it's just a matter of fact for her. If sometimes you can take the foot off the pedal housework etc wise and have a bit more time for fun and relaxation that will great, but other times will be busy and she'll adapt. At one point when life was crazy last year, I resorted to a fridge full of picnic food/tapas and ready meals and a job lot of paper plates for a couple of weeks, just to knock cooking and washing up off the to do list.

I've been on my own with DD since she was 11 and she's about to turn 17. It's bloody hard work and that mum guilt never lets up. I've spent the last 18 months caring for my dad who passed away in May so have often felt I've been neglecting her during Covid, GCSEs etc.

What's actually happened is that I have raised a resilient, sel sufficient young woman with whomi have an incredibly close and loving relationship.

And it's largely been as a result of sheer fluke and benign neglect .

Watermelon40 · 22/08/2021 23:46

I take my hat off to you, it can’t have been easy. You sound like you have got yourself and your dc into a stable and settled situation.

I completely agree with you about the chores. They’re never ending and can be overwhelming (and there’s 2 of us to do them). I have the same guilt feelings myself about spending lack of quality time with my dc.

Kanaloa · 23/08/2021 00:17

You are not failing her in the slightest. Don’t get sucked into this idea that every moment needs to be ‘quality time.’ You are being a great mum by doing jobs like cleaning and organising so your daughter has a clean nice home to live in, clean dishes to eat out of and clean clothes to wear. And you say you do go out, have play dates etc but every weekend can’t be a carnival of fun - don’t beat yourself up because you spent one weekend doing jobs.

Summerfun54321 · 23/08/2021 07:16

My childhood weekends consisted of just pottering around in the house and going to the local park and I absolutely loved it. We didn’t do any grand expensive days out and it was just one parent (my dad) who was around. I think as adults we think children need a million different activities and experiences but really they just need a loving stable home and they can use their own imagination to make their own fun. Sounds like you’re doing great and your daughter is thriving as a result.

MouseInCatsClaws · 23/08/2021 07:59

I think you are doing brilliantly and doing everything your daughter needs.
My only suggestion, if you are feeling like you're never available, is to set aside 15 minutes each day to do an activity with her, like colouring, dancing, whatever simple thing you like. And for that 15 minutes, make her your sole focus. It's a small chunk of time but makes a difference, I think.
But overall, based on your op, you're a warrior

Original poster

Desario · 23/08/2021 12:59

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the lovely comments. Just want to make sure she's happy and knows I love her. I want her to have the best life. I told myself if I have to stay single for the rest of my life in order to protect her and keep her safe then so be it, after everything we went through, I couldn't put her in harms way in again like I did before. It's really hard being a single parent, but feel like I'm doing a good job after seeing these comments, so thank you xx

OP posts:

Branleuse · 23/08/2021 13:11

You are doing what you need to do. Your daughter is happy, healthy and safe. Of course you wish things were a bit easier and you had more time and money for her, but I doubt youd be thinking that if it was a friend of yours in the same situation doing what youre doing. Be gentle on yourself

Sn0tnose · 23/08/2021 13:21

I grew up with domestic violence. I promise you, you’ve done the best possible thing for your daughter. And you sound like a brilliant mum; she’s loving nursery and she’s learning all sorts of skills.

The only thing that jumps out at me is that you sound like you’re running yourself ragged. It’s just as important that you take time for you too. The sky won’t cave in if the hoovering doesn’t get done 💐

Peacrock · 23/08/2021 13:23

Ah yes mum guilt, a pain in the arse it is.

Sounds like you're doing amazing, and it sounds like she is happy in nursery and has a routine that suits. I'm sure she will be very proud of you, please be kind to yourself.

Tal45 · 23/08/2021 14:06

Wow sounds like you're doing amazingly well. Two things I'd suggest if you don't already - getting her involved in helping you with some of the chores and talking to her about what you're doing as you do it ie 'would you help me put these clothes in the washing machine, let's take in turns, you're putting in my green jumper first, now I'm going to put in your blue skirt' etc etc. Great for her speech and learning skills like taking turns, sharing, helping out, working together etc

Also allocating a morning slot and an afternoon slot every weekend at the same time of 30 minutes where she has your undivided attention - plus a bedtime story everyday if poss. Perhaps in one slot you suggest what to do and in the other you ask her what she'd like you to do together.

Please don't feel guilty for not having much money, that really isn't what is important. Do take her to the library for books though, libraries are such a wonderful resource!!

WideOpenSpaces · 23/08/2021 14:13

Watch this video, OP, it gets me every time and might cheer you up a bit :)

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/sweet-video-shows-a-normal-day-from-both-moms-and-kids-perspectives nn_5919b062e4b0031e737f1eac

Kanaloa · 23/08/2021 14:24

Honestly you sound more like a great mum with every update. Like a pp said, remember to carve out a bit of time for yourself as well! Looking after yourself helps you look after your little girl.

Dixiechickonhols · 23/08/2021 14:38

You sound like you are doing fab. I’d avoid scenarios where you have to say no due to cost so you don’t feel bad. So use library v looking at books in shops. Just being with you is enough. I think there’s a tendency to try and rush through chores to do something fun but sorting laundry into piles or pairing socks or making scrambled eggs with mummy for lunch is fun to a small child.

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