To think I'm falling back into an addiction?

[underneathourbadblood]

I'm a 29 year old single mum. Two and a half years ago I was drinking everyday, I was very close to losing my daughter, my family and friends literally saved me by doing an intervention. I got the help I needed and did a 6 month sober streak.

When lockdown hit I made the conscious decision to start drinking again, I set rules for myself - no two nights in a row, no daytime drinking, no drinking alone and no drinking when I have my daughter.

I followed all of those rules for months however, bar the last rule, I've broken every single one.

My daughter is at her dads and I have drank every single day since Friday. I actually can't believe I'm back here, I felt so confident - my family and friends were all so proud of me. I honestly believed that the 6 months was all I needed to reset my relationship with alcohol.

I am rationalising it as I still have stuck to my rule about not drinking when I have my daughter, but I recognise these behaviours.

Does that mean I just can't ever drink again? That seems overwhelming. I'm so disappointed in myself, I thought I'd got it under control but almost without noticing I'm back to where I was at the start.

I can go weeks without drinking - something I could never do in actual alcoholism however, the only thing that stops me drinking those nights is the fact I have my daughter otherwise I do believe I'd be drinking every day.

How can you go from having it all together to being basically back where you started? Am I just being dramatic?

My mum has no idea and if she did I honestly think it would break her, she'd be really disappointed.

Did you post about this last year, as it sounds familiar?
I did lose my daughters to foster care, due to being an alcoholic, and I fought tooth and nail a) to recover and b) to have them returned to my care.
I relapsed in recent months and nothing had changed: I was still unable to drink in moderation.
We are all different, but I guess on some level you already know that drinking again is problematic and risky for you?
Feel free to message me, if you need to chat.

You made a conscious decision to relapse OP. Some people who've been addicted to alcohol just can't drink again, because it's a slippery slope of justifying behaviours until you're addicted again which it sounds like you may have done. Can you to seek help (from family / friends / AA / GP etc) and stop drinking? You say your mum would be upset, I'd imagine she'd be more upset if you kept this hidden and carried on.

Just wanted to add, I haven't drunk since that one weekend of relapse and, as much as I miss the 'good' side of alcohol, the rest of the crap that it brings and how it makes me an unfit mother, are just about enough to keep me working on my recovery.

@esloquehay I did actually post about this last year - I was very cocky and claiming that I had 'cured' my alcoholism. I was told of course I hadn't and here I am. If I don't laugh I'd cry. Sorry to hear about your experience but well done for turning it around, I hope you are able to get through the relapse. I do know what I need to do, I just needed somewhere to vent.

@PickleAF I did make the conscious decision to relapse. I so badly thought I'd gotten over my addiction. It's mad to write that down, but I genuinely felt that I had conquered it. If you'd have told me a year ago that I would be slipping back into these behaviours I'd of told you to fuck off as I really thought I had a handle on it.

'I can go weeks without drinking - something I could never do in actual alcoholism'

I'm slightly unclear by what you mean here - but if it's that a 'true' alcoholic can't go weeks without drinking (and therefore you're not one - you're very much mistaken, I'm afraid.

As a non alcoholic with several family members who are alcoholics this stood out for me
Does that mean I just can't ever drink again? That seems overwhelming.

It seems overwhelming because you are an alcoholic. Being told or deciding I would never drink alcohol again wouldn't bother me at all - my alcoholic brother's response to discovering that I didn't drink during pregnancy & BF was "wow that's amazing how could you do it, well done"

Don't be disappointed in yourself it's a hard road to tread but you're recognising that.

@esloquehay I was the poster who was drinking red wine whilst vomiting on the kitchen floor. Taking glugs then puking it back out on a Tuesday morning at 8 am.

Thank you everyone

Alcoholism is a progressive illness.
Alcoholics can have periods of not drinking, but unless they actually relent to their illness and accept that they can never drink again then they are simply a “dry drunk” in that time. I don’t mean that as an offensive term - it’s a common term used by alcoholics in recovery.
I am also not saying you are an alcoholic - only you can know that, but I am just saying that it is possible for alcoholics not to drink for periods of time and still be alcoholics. It’s not not something that just stops when the drinking stops.
Wishing you all the best OP - hope you get the support you need.

I think it's completely typical to relapse. It's a wake-up call, and you're self-aware, so you're catching yourself doing it.

DON'T beat yourself up for falling off the horse. That's the root of the problem with alcohol in the first place - using it to avoid confronting emotions within yourself. Then it becomes a habit.

My best friend has been alcohol dependent his whole adult life - and it took him basically having a total breakdown at 49 to finally stop. In his case, one thing that has majorly helped has been to replace alcohol with zero versions, and to drink those to a lesser extent. (For instance, instead of drinking every day, he has a few zero beers or botanical kind of zero spirits at the weekend).

I know when I quit smoking, vaping helped me a ton. But it still took me a year of going back and forth to actually fully quit smoking.

I think it's actually better NOT to think that you'll never drink again. But instead, to think "Right now, I'm not the best mom to my daughter, or the best person I can be to myself, if I have a little drink. So right now, I'm not drinking."

Also, please keep seeking help, wherever you can find it. Get a sponsor, go to groups - whatever helps you personally. I'm sure other people who have had a dependency on alcohol have been through what you're going through and could help!

Firstly, you've been very brave to recognise how much you're slipping and also to acknowledge that you were wrong about 'curing' yourself. That's a positive start. I think you need to find a support group like AA. People with addictions need ongoing support. Is that something you'd be prepared to do?

@underneathourbadblood do you have a support network separate to your family, as for me, when I've struggled, it's been other recovering alcoholics whom I've turned to.
The PP who has suggested that you can't be a 'true' alcoholic is probably best ignored, as I think we know from experience that there are varying degrees of alcoholism.
I guess I'd say that, in my experience, anyone who has got as bad as you (and I) got probably wouldn't ever be able to be a moderate drinker...ever.
I appreciate what a previous poster has said about making a conscious decision to relapse, but I also think we are probably not wired up right, or we wouldn't hit the bottle?

@Cam2020 thank you for your comment, yes it is something I'd be open to, not previously but I understand I can't do this alone...clearly. There is a meeting near me tomorrow at 8 pm. I'm going to force myself to go along.

You have an addiction, you can't just turn it off or on, you need to accept that alcohol is something you need to give up, permanently.

You can, you 100% can do this.

This week marks 18 years since my dad had his last drink. I have friends who have remained sober for 10+ years.

What people don't tell you is it is rare, very rare!! That people gain sobriety and never fall off the wagon even once

I'm not saying this to give you an excuse, I'm telling you this as it is so important for you to not beat yourself up about this.

Was there something that made you drink again? Was it lockdown or something else?
I ask because if there was a trigger which will come around every year, you need to address it so it doesn't become a pattern where you relapse repeatedly.

Well done for gaining sobriety, you can get back there.

All the best

@underneathourbadblood

www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/#

Give these guys a call and speak so someone before it gets out of hand - if you've recognised the problem, family, friends and outside agencies will know you want to get better ❤️‍🩹

My neighbour volunteers with the local AA he's an ex-alcoholic and he always says I you can't stick to a limit then total money drinking is called for and he took medication that made
Him sick if he drank he drank for a
While but then he was able to stop
Now the thought of drink makes him wretch

Good luck 🍀

• total "no drinking" Not "money" is needed

This past 18 months has been horrific for anyone with, or borderline addiction.
My relative was diagnosed with cirrhosis last year, managed to stay dry for about 4 months then totally relapsed. He now has decompensated liver disease. If he never touches alcohol again, he has 2-3 years at most . I don’t think he’ll manage to do it.
You need to examine the reasons that made you such a heavy drinker, no one become addicted without a heavy habit beforehand. If you can’t work out and deal with these issues, you stand a good chance of being like my relative

I remember your previous post OP.

Relapsing is classic for an alcoholic. In a nutshell, you have to ditch the alcohol forever. Drastic? Maybe, but the evidence is clear.

Does that mean I just can't ever drink again? That seems overwhelming.

It seems overwhelming because you are an alcoholic. Being told or deciding I would never drink alcohol again wouldn't bother me at all

I think this is true. If someone said you could never have jam again, or potatoes, or tea, you might be slightly disappointed, but it probably wouldn't hugely bother you, and you'd adjust easily.

I've struggled in the past with alcohol, and now I actually find it easier to accept that I don't drink at all, because then the answer to being offered alcohol is always there same, and in fact other people just accept me as someone who doesn't drink. If you drink two nights a week (or whatever) I found it exhausting deciding which two nights, and people who are a bit pushy about wanting everyone around them to drink want to know why the night you're with them isn't one of them.

You also need to be in a programme of recovery to support you - AA talks about steps for a reason. The first step - admitting you have a problem is the hardest one to take. One day at a time OP. Good luck.

I do think you need to go 100% sober.
Making yourself rules and believing it’s ok if you stick to them is really just the thin edge of the wedge when you have an addiction like this.

Does that mean I just can't ever drink again? That seems overwhelming

It will seem overwhelming, but so do a lot of things if you think about them not happening for the rest of your life.

Instead just think that today you will not drink. Focus on one day only. Or an hour if a day is too much. Or a minute. Just don't drink. Support from AA (or anyone) will be helpful. You can do this.

Have you taken a look at the alcohol support board?