To think I'm falling back into an addiction?

[underneathourbadblood]

I'm a 29 year old single mum. Two and a half years ago I was drinking everyday, I was very close to losing my daughter, my family and friends literally saved me by doing an intervention. I got the help I needed and did a 6 month sober streak.

When lockdown hit I made the conscious decision to start drinking again, I set rules for myself - no two nights in a row, no daytime drinking, no drinking alone and no drinking when I have my daughter.

I followed all of those rules for months however, bar the last rule, I've broken every single one.

My daughter is at her dads and I have drank every single day since Friday. I actually can't believe I'm back here, I felt so confident - my family and friends were all so proud of me. I honestly believed that the 6 months was all I needed to reset my relationship with alcohol.

I am rationalising it as I still have stuck to my rule about not drinking when I have my daughter, but I recognise these behaviours.

Does that mean I just can't ever drink again? That seems overwhelming. I'm so disappointed in myself, I thought I'd got it under control but almost without noticing I'm back to where I was at the start.

I can go weeks without drinking - something I could never do in actual alcoholism however, the only thing that stops me drinking those nights is the fact I have my daughter otherwise I do believe I'd be drinking every day.

How can you go from having it all together to being basically back where you started? Am I just being dramatic?

Op you have made a great first step in reaching out via this thread and acknowledging that you aren't in control of your drinking. That's huge well done and I also think it's really admirable that you are trying to be your best self for your daughter. Alcoholism is such a horrible illness I don't have a problem with drink but I have watched my own mother battle her addiction for years and now my brother aswell. Unfortunately and I know it's not what you want to hear but you may not be able to drink again without it spiraling that's the nature of being an alcoholic you are never completely in control of it. I recommend a good book it's by Allen Carr and it's called the easy way to control alcohol. Don't be put off by the title it's a really insightful read and really helped my mum when she gave up drinking read it with an open mind. I know you are worried that your mum will be disappointed in you but I think she would be happy to know that you are ready to ask for help and not suffering in silence. Best wishes to you op I hope this helps xx

Another alcoholic here @underneathourbadblood, I've got 8.5 years sober right now, but I still avoid saying "I will never drink again" - as you say, it just feels overwhelming.

This is exactly why so many of us addicts approach recovery "One day at a time".

These days, I rarely think about drinking, but when I do, I just have to get through that day without reaching for the wine, which seems so much more achievable. Maybe this could work for you?

I too had a lot of support from my family (particularly my DM and DH) and knowing how disappointed they would be if I relapsed gives me a huge motivation to remain sober. However, like you, keeping my DDs safe, living with me and their mental wellbeing is the biggest incentive I could ask for. They are worth riding out even the toughest cravings and I'm sure you feel the same about your little one.

If you've had a drink today, all is not lost. Pour away any you have left in the house and promise yourself that you will not drink tomorrow. You can do this.

I remember your previous thread, @underneathourbadblood. Well done for coming back to start this thread, it can't have been easy.

I'm pretty sure I posted last time to say I thought you shouldn't start drinking again, and I still think you would benefit from stopping entirely. Some of us just can't moderate our drinking, no matter how much we want to or how much effort we make. I think you might be someone who will always find this extremely difficult, and it would be much, much easier to stop and not have to worry about sticking to all the rules and making sure you have enough to drink, and wondering what people think of you and worrying that you've done something stupid when you wake up the next morning. And all of it. Much easier to stop and not start again, and not have to worry about any of it. Even ignoring the physical effects drinking will be having on you, which also are unlikely to be nothing...

Try not to think of it as missing out - that's just the alcohol voice talking. It's not missing out to remove all that stress and worry and damage. And when you do stop for a while, you'll see that you're not really missing anything. There aren't many things you really need alcohol to do - I haven't had a drink in 3 years, and I can't think of anything I couldn't do now that I could have done before. It used to be easier to make a complete tit out of myself, but I find I don't miss that so much!

It is all or nothing when it comes to addiction. The alcohol support threads are very good here.
All is not lost, you're a young woman you'll conquer this.

Alcohol is an addictive substance. End of story. Everyone who talks about controlling it - that’s because they have to control it because it is addictive.

The only way to be free of it is to give it up completely. Or accept the addiction and put rules around it (so many people have these rules because they know, deep down, that it’s bad for them and they just want more).

Alcohol gives you nothing but a thirst for more.

I’m the same as you OP. I drink too much, I had a sober period of several months and now I’m back to downing it too often. Deep down I know I need to stop completely.

Very very tough.

Making rules is just a way to justify to youtself getting stuck in again op. You’re an alcoholic. You will always be an alcoholic.

The issue is what will you do now? Can you stop again?

Accept you are an alcoholic and will also way be an alcoholic. Ger support and get help.

Will always be

Hi op, well done for reaching out, that is massive. Im an addict in recovery (alcohol and painkillers) so can identify to an extent.

I would say that no one else can decide if youre qn alcoholic or an addict. Thats your decision. A common symptom of addiction os trying to control it much like others have mentioned. Drinking again after a period of abstinence can lead back on a downhill spiral, any use can

Try not to think about forever. There's a line in the fellowship i attend, their book which says 'most can do for 8hours what seems impossible for a longer period' and talks of taking 5minute intervals. Ive not got to stress about not using tomorrow. Tomorrow, i might decide i want to use, that option is alwags there. Today, im choosinh not to.
Likewise, dont frame it as 'im an alcoholics and i can't drink and its not fair!' We're all adults and its a choice. I have that when i see tv characters spiralling into a vodka bottle 'look! They can self destruct. But im in this bloody program and cant and kts not fair'. Thats my justifications having me on. No one says you cant use. Even my sponsor refrains from twlling me what to do and says whatever i choose, there are consequences. Just as the decision to use is a choice so is the decision not to use. No one is forcing us. We are making an aduly decision.

Like others have said, i reccomend the alcohol support board. You can also PM me if you'd like. Id recommended some support groups too, online or in person. Theres many out there - AA, NA, Smart recovery...give it a go til you find one you like

I tried NA expecting it to be full of old men with whom i had nothing in common. It wasnt at all. Its somewhere i feel safe. Ive been there 2years now and am reaching off my substitute medication. 2years on i mainly attend womens groups- i work with DV perps so have a red flag antennae that flags when a male is speaking which distracts me from any recovery in the room. I also have gotten into relationships with men in the rooms in the past, and have tried to save them. For me, the women have really helped. I do about 6 meetings a week now, 5 online (thanks to zoom) and of thosr 7, five are womens meetings. Therez a number of young women about, including those with children, and i get so muxh support. Ive got a sponsor who is just amazing and who has supported me so much.
I would recommend going onto the AA and/or NA websites and getting info on meetings. If you PM me i can add you to some female NA groups but theyre based in the west mids so it depends on where youre based.
Theres a mix of f2f and zoom and what with zoom meetings, theres at least 3 or 4 womens meetings held eaxh day at various times.
I can guarantee youd be met with support and love. Youve not got to stay- we dont handcuff people- but you may find it helpful.
There can be a bit of 'god' talk but it isnt religious, im certainly not, so dont let that put you off. Even if its just listening to others stories and getting support and making friends, thats a lot more than wed get necking wine while vomiting on the floor. Sending you love and all the best.

How are you doing, @underneathourbadblood? Hope things are going ok!

Remember it's one day at a time. So don't drink tomorrow. And take it day by day. I have a family member who is an alcoholic and he had to come to the place where its never again..not one drop. And he is happy, has friends, good job etc. You can have a good life without alcohol and so will your dc. If you look at it as being allergic to it..it doesn't suit you. So you did it once you can do it again with support. And this time it's no alcohol. There will be many plusses in your life as you do this.

I don’t know about whether you’ll be able to drink again but I know your family will be proud that it hasn’t taken an intervention this time. You recognise you’ve slipped back into the addiction and hopefully want help

Yes you need to work out why you become dependent on drink, knowing full well what harm it can do to you. having a child is one reason to stop drinking, despite you saying you don't drink when your child is with you. What do you think will happen to you,if you don't bring any alcohol into your house at all. You will certainly feel better if you don't drink, and perhaps save a lot of money.

A person like yourself, who is not a serious alcoholic in the true sense of the word, can probably find the willpower to stop drinking. As it can become a downward spiral into a horrible way to live eventually., and affects those around you, who can't help you.

How are you?