Help me feel better about grandparents favouritism

[Jujujuly]

My eldest DD is the first grandchild and when she was born DH’s parents (who I’ve always got on well with) showered her with love and attention. She’s now 4 and has a baby brother (10 months). DH’s brother has also had a baby boy (6 months).

Since the other grandson has been born ours don’t get a look in and I find it really hurtful. We live about 15 mins from brother in law and about 6 hours drive from in laws. They regularly drive down to visit brother in law and either don’t tell us in advance that they’re coming or don’t tell us at all (we find out from social media pics). On the couple of occasions that they’ve stayed with us they have been scrupulous about splitting their time with brother in law to the minute. For some reason they don’t seem at all keen to meet with all of us at the same time - I think because they like being with BIL’s baby without having to give our 4 year old attention (she obviously demands it and is much harder work than a baby!).

DH says that they clearly just prefer BIL and therefore his child and there’s no point saying anything as nothing will change. I agree and it’s obviously not my place to say anything either. I just feel so sad for my DD. Covid was bad enough as she adores them and hardly saw them, but there have been so many missed opportunities recently.

Does anyone have any tips on (a) how I can rise above this and accept it and (b) how I can manage things with my kids once they’re old enough to notice and understand?

Name changed for this.

I was always the least favourite grandchild on my mother's side of the family. Mainly because they didn't like my dad. Also, because I was the only grandchild on my dad's side. As a young child, they couldn't stand me, to be quite honest. I was often left out. My cousin's boisterous behaviour - including hitting or calling me ugly - was excused, whilst I (undiagnosed issues) was unanimously agreed to be the naughty problem child and had my behaviour picked apart and analysed in front of me (as though I wasn't bloody well sitting there and could hear every word). My cousins were taken on holidays, I was never even asked if I wanted to come. They preferred my cousins, through and through.

Guess what though? Now we're all adults, who is the only grandchild who majes tge effort to see our frail, dementia suffering grandparents? This despite living furthest away! The Golden Children have gone their separate ways and don't even bother to give them the odd phone call any more. And oddly enough, my grandparents never mention the Golden Children now.

As for me, blood is thicker than water. When I see my frail, confused grandparents so delighted to see me; what happened twenty-five years ago is nothing.

You, your DC's parents have their backs on this. My DM didn't, though my DF did. That makes all the difference.

This happened to us. DD got a lot of attention until 18 months old and then was dropped like a stone when she got new cousins. We have since withdrawn from the in-laws as we don't want her to form a bond at this point (she's now at school) to have it ripped away again. We used to see them twice a month (always us instigating it) but now only see them for weddings and funerals. They have also ignored the birth of my Ds who is now 2. It breaks my heart for DD sometimes but ultimately shes better surrounded by people who don't play favourites and care enough to visit her.

@MatildaTheCat

Is it true BIL is the favourite? It’s also very possible that his situation is currently much easier to deal with than a demanding child and a baby they haven’t really bonded with yet.

I’d probably keep trying to facilitate nice visits but keep an eye on things. When/if BIL expands his family and that cute 6 month old becomes a stroppy toddler they might find your family appealing again. That’s not especially nice but it may be unconscious in which case DH should tell them gently that you miss having them as involved GP and hope they’ll try to get involved more again.

This message has actually given me hope - it might well be that they just prefer babies to kids. I do think they get on better with BIL than DH - they have a lot more in common with him - but they are also big fans of little babies and when they come to ours they don’t get much chance to spend time with DS because DD monopolises their time (and I’m breastfeeding and DS is mega clingy). I can imagine things are a lot more chilled at BIL’s house now but that won’t always be the case. I don’t think that excuses their behaviour at all though. DD absolutely adores them so the thought of them basically avoiding her is heartbreaking.

Can’t quote but I think @Northernparent68 you’re probably right. I feel like if it was me that was suffering it would be fine but because I feel like it’s a slight on my children I am furious 🤣

One of mine was the favourite GC, not that my mother was horrible or neglectful of the others, mine of my siblings, and she never gave him a big present with small things for the others. She just loved him and bonded with him. He was the one who was there for her till the end, bought a house a few doors away and did lots for her. They just bonded and the strange things is that none of the other GC resented it, they all joked about it, made a bit of fun of him being nanny's pet etc.

It must be hard if children are upset about it.

Guess what though? Now we're all adults, who is the only grandchild who majes tge effort to see our frail, dementia suffering grandparents? This despite living furthest away! The Golden Children have gone their separate ways and don't even bother to give them the odd phone call any more. And oddly enough, my grandparents never mention the Golden Children now.

As for me, blood is thicker than water. When I see my frail, confused grandparents so delighted to see me; what happened twenty-five years ago is nothing.

First of all the actual saying is "the blood od the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" and means the opposite of what you think it does.

Secondly, imho you're stupid to spend time and energy on people who cleary didn’t give a fuck about you before. Let the old *** stew in their beds.

@ancientgran

One of mine was the favourite GC, not that my mother was horrible or neglectful of the others, mine of my siblings, and she never gave him a big present with small things for the others. She just loved him and bonded with him. He was the one who was there for her till the end, bought a house a few doors away and did lots for her. They just bonded and the strange things is that none of the other GC resented it, they all joked about it, made a bit of fun of him being nanny's pet etc.

It must be hard if children are upset about it.

Yes @ancientgran I can totally understand that as they grow you might bond more with some than others. In this case though my kids have been ditched for a (very cute!) baby who doesn’t give a shit about them so it’s not really a bonding thing I don’t think. They had seemed to be really close to DD - soent loads of time with her, spoke twice a week over Skype during lockdown etc - whereas that’s all stopped now.

“What you can do, is remove yourself emotionally, stop waiting to receive approval and affection from someone who is never going to give it.“

^ this is bloody brilliant. This would be good advice for 50% of the posts on mumsnet.

Op I think give them some time, try your best to facilitate a relationship. If that doesn’t work then move on and focus on nurturing the other relationships in your children’s lives.

Secondly, imho you're stupid to spend time and energy on people who cleary didn’t give a fuck about you before. Let the old stew in their beds.*

Wow, someone on the internet thinks I'm stupid. I'm sure I'll stop visiting them pronto purely to appease this faceless stranger.

I visit because my Golden Children cousins can't be arsed with them. And because I also want to help my DM and DAunt who have been left by the mother of Golden Children (their Golden Sister) to do everything for them. My DAunt and DF aren't stupid: they see that even though I'm the Black Sheep, I'm also the one who actually gives a shit and can be relied upon. Funny how what you take from my post is that I am supposedly stupid ratger than the Golden Children are selfish.

As for the misquote, it is in the nature of language to evolve. I was using it in the way it is most commonly used today.

My SN child was most definitely the child PIL spent lease amount of time with and they bought used, worn baby equipment off a cousin and gave them to us after kitting out the other grandchildren with brand new. The funniest part of this is my MIL would tell people how much she would do when visiting us which was a bald faced lie and someone who was a mutual acquaintance said to me "Why is your mil going around telling lies about how much time she's spending with you? What's her problem? Why is she treating you and your DH and DS so poorly? It's not like you're unpleasant! We can see the truth" lol

@Jujujuly I can totally understand that as they grow you might bond more with some than others. In this case though my kids have been ditched for a (very cute!) baby who doesn’t give a shit about them so it’s not really a bonding thing I don’t think. They had seemed to be really close to DD Maybe they are "baby" people. Some people seem to like particular ages. I must admit I do like a cuddle with a baby and my husband loves the age where they are keen to learn and love watching him taking things apart and repairing them. A fascinated 5 year old asking him all about the insides of a radio or something is a joy to him. Apart from the fact that I couldn't tell them anything about the inside of a radio I wouldn't have his patience with the "whys" and "whats" and "hows" But those perky 5 year olds have turned into teens who I love to spend time with.

What I mean is maybe yours isn't at a favourite age for them but it might all come round. Of course your babies being similar ages makes that less likely. Of course your ILs might just be thoughtless/horrible or a variety of things.

I do know what it is like, my ILs favoured their daughter's children, mine never got a look in. In my case my MIL was a bit dim and controlled by FIL and my FIL was the most unpleasant person I ever met so not being liked by him was a bit of a win to be honest.

As to coping in the future I'm not sure what you do. It never seemed to bother mine even though the favourtism was very obvious. They were very loved by my mother, sadly my father died before they were born, maybe being loved by her made up for it. Have yours got other people in their lives to fill the gap? Your parents, aunts and uncles, God parents? Maybe that would help.

Just remember that the most important people are you and your husband and you obviously care very much so that will go along way to mitigating any damage. I hope so anyway.

I would get your DP to speak to them, tbh. “Please let us know whenever you are visiting BIL. The children would like to see you and so would we. We’re happy to come over and you are always welcome at ours.”

No ranting, no blaming, just clear expectations.

He could also speak to his brother and say the same.

If it makes you feel any better OP my FIL & MIL have seen our DS now 16 probably 4 or 5 times in his life.

The other Grandchildren are golden.

The difference?

He is severely disabled and has SLD yet they have never offered to have him for us for even 15 mins.

It breaks my heart as my lovely late parents would have adored and have been brilliant with hi.

I just tell myself that it is they who are missing out on not knowing and being loved by such a special boy.

In our family DH mum passed away when our eldest was 12 months old. FIL and MIL had doted on my BIL's kids, and things were very different with ours. Until they were both 18 my FIL took my kids out only twice and made it really clear he did not want to spend time with them. So for example he would bring them a birthday present, walk in say here is your present, sorry I am off now. TBH it was a family joke. Something others might recognise though is that when he became older and needed support, it was us that provided this as BIL and SIL did not want to know. This was quite sad. In his last few weeks I think he came to see his grandsons as nice people who spent time with him and provided really important support, he said he wished he had more time to spend with them, but he did not. So my learning OP is that it is always the GPs loss rather than yours or the GCs. I would always keep the door open.

Me and DH watched on as MIL was always interfering with BIL and SIL for years. I was so worried she'd be the same when we finally decided to have a DC. Roll on a few years when we had our DS and she's been nowhere to be seen! It's frustrating for my DH that his own mother is uninterested but we've got used to it now and actually quite like the fact she's not around. Our DS has met her a few times but he doesn't have the same relationship with her as he does with my mum, and he's really not missing out on anything. BIL is the blue eyed boy who can do no wrong so guess who will be in charge of her care when the time comes!! 🤣🤣

@ssd

I think your kids will be able to deal with it if its acknowledged by the parents. I remember being about 8 and getting a tiny xmas present from my aunt when my 2 cousins got great big presents. I remember not understanding why no one bothered about the unfairness. If my mum had said something to me I'd have felt better, but i felt no one else even noticed.

This happened to me. Everybody got really cool presents and I got a book voucher. I was 8.

If someone had tried to make it better "Oh Granny knows you love reading and will have fun picking out some books in the shop" it would have been fine.

Otherwise, for years, I wondered why my cousins and siblings got toys and I got a voucher.

@POLLYprosecco1

And yes Thecazelets, I suspect this is my MIL'S skewed reasoning. She resents that my children have 'more privilege' than her other GC and therefore justifies this by not bothering with them. It's so strange.

My mum is the same, barely bothers with my children, just my sister's child. It's very hurtful and has caused arguments and still nothing changes. I think she views us as capable adults and thinks our children are fine, thus she won't bother much. My sister doesn't work, but her husband has a well paid job, yet she is constantly handing them money and buying their daughter everything, including treats, trips, holidays and expensive presents. I'm not even bothered about the financial aspect, but the way my mum thinks she is somehow making things 'fair' by ignoring my children, is really annoying. We've been booked to visit her and she's bought theatre tickets for her, my sister and child, for the same date - my daughter would have loved to have gone. My brother and sister were given cars etc when we were younger, so the favouritism was already at play before my children came along. I think my mum has narcissistic tendencies, and my brother and sister are still somewhat enmeshed in the dysfunctional set up (and are also unhappy), which they are 'rewarded' for, whereas I broke away some time ago. In a way, being left out and scape-goated helped me in the long run, as I am happier and financially independent.