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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me feel better about grandparents favouritism

42 replies

Jujujuly · 22/08/2021 15:46

My eldest DD is the first grandchild and when she was born DH’s parents (who I’ve always got on well with) showered her with love and attention. She’s now 4 and has a baby brother (10 months). DH’s brother has also had a baby boy (6 months).

Since the other grandson has been born ours don’t get a look in and I find it really hurtful. We live about 15 mins from brother in law and about 6 hours drive from in laws. They regularly drive down to visit brother in law and either don’t tell us in advance that they’re coming or don’t tell us at all (we find out from social media pics). On the couple of occasions that they’ve stayed with us they have been scrupulous about splitting their time with brother in law to the minute. For some reason they don’t seem at all keen to meet with all of us at the same time - I think because they like being with BIL’s baby without having to give our 4 year old attention (she obviously demands it and is much harder work than a baby!).

DH says that they clearly just prefer BIL and therefore his child and there’s no point saying anything as nothing will change. I agree and it’s obviously not my place to say anything either. I just feel so sad for my DD. Covid was bad enough as she adores them and hardly saw them, but there have been so many missed opportunities recently.

Does anyone have any tips on (a) how I can rise above this and accept it and (b) how I can manage things with my kids once they’re old enough to notice and understand?

OP posts:
Whataboutlove · 22/08/2021 15:53

No advice but following as same similar situation here but children are old enough to notice and are perpetually disappointed ☹️

Mommabear20 · 22/08/2021 15:59

I feel for you and your LO 😢 I'm actually on the other side of this, my DD is the clear favourite of my mums, and it's exhausting! My eldest is 1 and my second is just over a month, my sister has a DS that is 5 months. My mum will call, text, or come over EVERY SINGLE DAY, and while she does hold my second DC, my eldest is the clear favourite and my sisters DC rarely gets mentioned or visited, she barely calls or texts her, but I think your DH is right and it's that they prefer your BIL, my mum and me have always gotten along better than her and my sister.
Unfortunately I can't give any sort of advice but didn't want to read and run! Hope your situation improves!

NailsNeedDoing · 22/08/2021 16:00

You could be right that they want to be able to have uninterrupted time with the new baby, but there’s nothing wrong with that. It would be equally as difficult for bil and his partner if their baby didn’t get the attention he deserves because there was an older child dominating things when the grandparents are around.

Original poster
Jujujuly · 22/08/2021 16:08

Thanks for replies. Sad that this is fairly common. I feel so helpless as if it was my parents id definitely mention it to them, not for my sake but for my DD. And also DS! He was born in lockdown and has barely met them. We’ve also really struggled with isolation as my parents live abroad so we have no family nearby. BIL lives in the same street as his in laws so they have had loads of support. I guess I’m also a bit jealous of that!

OP posts:
LakeShoreD · 22/08/2021 16:15

I think it’s very common. I was the least favourite grandchild growing up. My parents just shrugged it off, said that Grandma was a loon and always plays favourites in every aspect of her life. I had other less weird family members and really didn’t care or felt like I was missing out. In fact I felt a bit sorry forgot my cousins who had to go for prolonged stays over the school holidays and eat her horrible cooking.

yellowglass · 22/08/2021 16:18

We deal with it by almost ignoring it .

It occasionally rears its head when I'm having a moan about how unfair it is but DH reckons it's because we are fully functional adults who manage our lives well and don't need the watchful eye of MIL making sure we are doing it right .

Plus he has been very clear about who will be doing all the old aged caring and running about when PIL are old and infirm and it won't be us .

Still stinks though, DC's don't notice because we don't see a lot of family anymore as PIL's behaviour has driven a right wedge between us.

I think it's all a bit sad but DH has tried to talk to them and it was brushed off as being us being silly and a bit jealous so it's how it is and that's that

Hoppinggreen · 22/08/2021 16:25

DD was the only grandchild for pil and then SIL has 2 babies in swift succession and we had DS so she REALLY got pushed out poor kid!
Mil has always blatantly favoured sil and her DC to the extent that everything had to revolve around them and our dc had to just fall in with it. It all came to a head when mil split up with her partner and we invited her to lunch and despite agreeing it was just the 4 of us she told sil she would also take her dd with her too and I politely and firmly said no. HUGE tantrum from sil and mil and I just totally disengaged from that point onwards. There are so many stories of favouritism I could write a book!
Our DC know the situation and are old enough now to have their own relationship with mil but they don’t go out of their way to bother with her.
For mil it’s all 4 GC S or sils 2 but not my 2 on their own
There is a downside for sil though, mil interferes in everything and when /if MIL needs care it sure as hell won’t be us doing it.

Hoppinggreen · 22/08/2021 16:26

And yes, yellowglass the issue was purely down to my jealousy

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 22/08/2021 16:39

My ils had no time for my dc.. Sil and her dc consumed them.
I backed away so mine weren't so aware..
More time for you with your dc op. And no bum wiping for you in their dotage!!

QueenBee52 · 22/08/2021 16:41

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

My ils had no time for my dc.. Sil and her dc consumed them. I backed away so mine weren't so aware.. More time for you with your dc op. And no bum wiping for you in their dotage!!

😂🤣 love it 🌸

ssd · 22/08/2021 16:47

I think your kids will be able to deal with it if its acknowledged by the parents. I remember being about 8 and getting a tiny xmas present from my aunt when my 2 cousins got great big presents. I remember not understanding why no one bothered about the unfairness. If my mum had said something to me I'd have felt better, but i felt no one else even noticed.

ssd · 22/08/2021 16:49

Thinking about it, i was the neice and they were the grandkids. But they were older than me. I couldn't understand it and no one explained anything.

MatildaTheCat · 22/08/2021 16:58

Is it true BIL is the favourite? It’s also very possible that his situation is currently much easier to deal with than a demanding child and a baby they haven’t really bonded with yet.

I’d probably keep trying to facilitate nice visits but keep an eye on things. When/if BIL expands his family and that cute 6 month old becomes a stroppy toddler they might find your family appealing again. That’s not especially nice but it may be unconscious in which case DH should tell them gently that you miss having them as involved GP and hope they’ll try to get involved more again.

FedNlanders · 22/08/2021 17:01

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

My ils had no time for my dc.. Sil and her dc consumed them. I backed away so mine weren't so aware.. More time for you with your dc op. And no bum wiping for you in their dotage!!
Exact same here. We are closer and kids are older so they should have a good relationship but they don't. BIL and SILs twins take up all their time. I just ignore it now. We do our own thing. It is hard but not worth the sadness x
cakelover12345 · 22/08/2021 17:08

I'm sorry about this for you and your children, it is horrible and a tough thing to deal with. I think it's best to be honest with your children in an age appropriate way. Maybe say something along the lines of, we don't know why grandma and granddad aren't visiting much/anymore, but it's not because you've done anything wrong and it's not because there is anything wrong with you. Maybe then remind them of other good relatives or family friends that do make the effort to have a relationship with them. I agree with PPs who say it's better if this is acknowledged to the children rather than leaving them wondering if they did something wrong.

EnglishRain · 22/08/2021 17:11

Shoe is on the other foot here, we have the 'favourite' and it boils my piss. In laws have demonstrated a very crappy attitude and get called out on it. We don't see them much currently and that works for me.

Can't offer any advice, but for what it's worth it feels really shit having the favourite. She's a baby, she hasn't invented a cure for cancer or anything and they barely know her. I feel awful for my niece and nephews who are all lovely children in their own right. The elder two in particular, as they're upper end of primary.

Thecazelets · 22/08/2021 17:14

It is very common I'm afraid. Mine are teenagers now; it upsets me a bit sometimes but I have chosen not to dwell on it. Incidents that stand out for me are things like my parents booking a holiday involving a transatlantic flight out of Heathrow on my due date, but dropping everything and driving 200 miles to help out with childcare when one of my siblings was due. All of my siblings have had hours of free childcare from my parents over the years, but they have never looked after my dc even for an hour. Rarely visited, and when they did inevitably brought one of the other gc with them 'to give them a day out'.

However it could partly be down to the fact that my siblings have been more in need of their help, practically, emotionally and financially, over the years. Could it be that you and your dh are seen as more sorted and independent that BIL? That I think is the case in my family - I am the oldest, highest earning and most independent, so there is definitely a sense that I don't need any help. Sometimes I think people like to feel needed.

POLLYprosecco1 · 22/08/2021 17:19

Gosh - we have the same situation too! My kids got dumped when SIL had her daughter. My own daughter's birthday has been forgotten by them, twice, and she's only just 7. And I've actually tried to talk to them about it in the past and MIL claims that I am just jealous. It's so upsetting OP but I am learning that I need to rise above it. And defo no bum wiping or anything for them in old age!! 😂

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 22/08/2021 17:20

@ssd

I think your kids will be able to deal with it if its acknowledged by the parents. I remember being about 8 and getting a tiny xmas present from my aunt when my 2 cousins got great big presents. I remember not understanding why no one bothered about the unfairness. If my mum had said something to me I'd have felt better, but i felt no one else even noticed.
Totally agree with this.

I had a lot of weirdness from my parents including them insisting people who were ultimately not good/kind people were good people/loved me etc.

Total head wreck...

POLLYprosecco1 · 22/08/2021 17:23

And yes Thecazelets, I suspect this is my MIL'S skewed reasoning. She resents that my children have 'more privilege' than her other GC and therefore justifies this by not bothering with them. It's so strange.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 22/08/2021 17:24

My dc are adults now as are sil's... During the height of the pandemic only my dc bothered ringing their dgps. And we live miles away. Sil's dc live a stone's throw...
The now ex ils have somewhat rewritten history to my dc..
Twats.

Northernparent68 · 22/08/2021 18:08

I was aware from a young age that my grandparents preferred my cousins, my mother told me how unpleasant my grandparents were and there lack of interest did n’t bother me.

Summersnake · 22/08/2021 18:11

Same here ,as soon as my dh sisters had kids mine were dropped like red hot pokers ..it’s very hurtful,but what can you do

Peppaismyrolemodel · 22/08/2021 18:26

Any advice on how to limit the pain for the kids? We have the same issues here, suspect bc bil needs lots more financial help - but tricky to know whether to draw attention to it and chat to dc openly or to just limit time with gps so hopefully doesn’t notice..
I’ve lately felt very tempted to do a ‘all we want is consistent approach’, but feel there’s no way of doing that and not getting increased awkward relationships after!

Northernparent68 · 22/08/2021 18:29

@Summersnake

Same here ,as soon as my dh sisters had kids mine were dropped like red hot pokers ..it’s very hurtful,but what can you do
What you can do, is remove yourself emotionally, stop waiting to receive approval and affection from someone who is never going to give it.
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