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Original poster

TTC and childless is shit

110 replies

ttcissoboring · 22/08/2021 13:33

I am drained, TTC is shit. Absolutely shit.

I never thought it would get like this. Pissing on OPK sticks waiting for smiley faces it's just bullshit.

I kinda wish now I'd have got pregnant by accident unexpectedly.

I have also had losses so it's dragged the process out and I just cannot be bothered anymore. It's draining and boring.

Not sure the reason for posting I guess just saying to anyone in a similar situation you're not alone.

It's even worse when all your friends have kids, so I'm lonely in that activities have to be 'child friendly' or never an evening out with cocktails sophisticated because they can't due to their kids so I end up feeling isolated and lonely and bored.

Just feel like my life is in limbo, nothing really happening - no life changes just same old bs.

I cling to my DH the only person lately I seem compatible with, and enjoy company.

I guess I'm just fed up today.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 22/08/2021 22:08

Responses can feel patronising although people mean well.
I'm sorry you're going through this. 😔

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 23/08/2021 06:47

Is it time to start thinking of alternatives such as adoption. It seems that you have reached an impasse with TTC but would like the experience of parenthood?

fringeneedsatrim · 23/08/2021 07:27

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes adoption isn't a booby prize for infertile people and telling infertile people to adopt is quite frankly a dickhead thing to do. Adoption has a lot of its own issues and isn't the answer to infertility. Would would say to a pregnant person 'oh why have you done that when you could have adopted?' No. You wouldn't.

Parents who adopt their child are very very special people, I have a friend with no fertility issues who chose to become a parent by adopting, she and her husband are amazing. But most people yearn for a biological child that they carry. Or chose to remain childless because they can't cope with the whole host of emotional issues that come with adoption.

Telling a person with fertility issues to adopt is a naive stupid thing to say. Do you really think that anyone with fertility issues has already considered it and decided if it's something they want to pursue?

3Br1tnee · 23/08/2021 08:05

I think tomselleck must be being a goady fucker.

LBirch02 · 23/08/2021 08:19

OP I really hope you get your much wanted baby.

All I can say is a few years ago my life really was in tatters - long story. I even thought at one point I would be dead within a few months. Within a space of about 18 months 2 separate things happened that were extremely unexpected in the circumstances that improved my life immeasurably

Brokensunflower · 23/08/2021 08:46

Just wanted to say hello and that I understand.

I wanted to hang a big banner out from the roof tops saying please don't tell me to relax, go on holiday or take up a flipping hobby.

The only thing I can say is you will be ok. It might not feel like it now but you will be x

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 23/08/2021 17:42

not a goady fucker at all. I have a good knowledge of adoption and fostering and it is extremely rewarding but difficult. She says she is wanting change well this is something to look into, research and discuss. You can't just go and pick up a "booby prize child" but there are events and sessions to attend to consider this as an option, what you need to do. I know lots of foster families who find it extremely rewarding and know of adopted families whose parents had tried and either couldn't or found IVF too difficult. If you go to the first session and know that it's not for you then at least you've done it. It's an option and not necessarily the easy option but it is very rewarding.

fringeneedsatrim · 23/08/2021 18:03

Sorry if I gut reacted to your post @Tomselleckhaskindeyes but having been through years of infertility the number of people who just assume that adoption is the answer... I am in absolutely no way saying that to adopt is the 'booby prize' but when you're infertile so so many people suggest it to you like it is just that. To adopt i truly believe you have to be a very special person. Many infertile people, like myself, stay childless because they can't face the emotional stress that comes with adoption.

Unfortunately "have you considered adoption " is up there with " just relax " and "go on holiday and get drunk " in top 5 annoying things that people say to infertile people.

Original poster
ttcissoboring · 23/08/2021 18:24

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes I'm not offended by your post but I've obviously thought about those routes. I cannot adopt personally without having a biological child.

I am not naturally maternal so am even a little worried about my own but know by the fact it's biological and all of the pregnancy aspect comes with it I'll be fine.

But I don't think I could bond with other kids same way (I have no interest in other peoples kids for example - just being honest) so therefore I don't think I'd be a suitable candidate for adoption at all.

I would do the child a disservice.

OP posts:
Elkey · 23/08/2021 18:41

I've never been offended by questions of adoption, but maybe that's because in the back of my mind, I thought of it as an option. There are good reasons for infertile people to be irked by it though. It really isn't the same. And many of us have come across people who are judgemental of fertility treatments "when there are plenty of children in need of a home". Not a rare attitude and almost always said by some fertile twat who hasn't adopted any of these poor children themselves!

I also think your initial post was misjudged, @tomselleckhaskindeyes. The OP is sad and fed up that she hasn't yet been able to birth a baby. Your suggestion isn't a cure. Besides, most of us have already given a lot more thought than most to all the ways we might possibly get the family we are desperate for.

Elkey · 23/08/2021 18:44

Also, I get what you're saying about your DH, OP. He's clueless rather than cruel. It very often just doesn't hit them as hard and it's a difficult emotion to understand if you don't feel it yourself.

cakecakecheese · 23/08/2021 18:51

I'm so sorry.

I've had 2 IVF transfers that ended in a missed miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy. I'm now waiting for my third to start but I have to start from scratch as had nothing frozen left.

It's just soul destroying and I get it, nothing anyone can say can help but you're not alone Flowers

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 23/08/2021 19:16

i did ask it as a question rather than saying you should. I totally understand the bond building takes time. i know somebody who found that really difficult but 6 years on there are a tight little unit. I know it is a trope and wouldn't want to offend but for some it has worked. I would love to adopt but my husband wouldn't so know it's a non starter.
i think you have had some good advice about your thyroid and i hope that things work out for you.

Original poster
ttcissoboring · 23/08/2021 19:20

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes thank you. My DH is open to adoption in the non starter. I just could never do it. I'd rather remind childless.

OP posts:
Original poster
ttcissoboring · 23/08/2021 19:21

@cakecakecheese sorry for your losses too Thanks

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 23/08/2021 19:33

Aww i hope it works out. I know somebody who went through hell and 7 lots of IVF. She went abroad for the last lot and they used a slightly different procedure. She had twin boys. She was traumatised by everything she went through. She got comfort and advice from specialist message boards.

3Br1tnee · 23/08/2021 20:00

The adoption thing pisses me off because you may not even be approved for that, and it can take years.

Where I live now, you can't adopt if you are 40+. I'm 40 this year.

Original poster
ttcissoboring · 23/08/2021 20:33

40+ wow that's a bit harsh I'd have thought 45 is fair

OP posts:
AntiMaskersAreTwats · 23/08/2021 20:51

I’ve been in your place and it was truly shitty. It took us 6 years in the end to have our 2 children with 5 miscarriages before each one. I’m so sorry you’re going through it. Don’t be afraid to withdraw from friends from children if you can’t cope. They will understand. Something I will recommend is the Turkey Baster!! Honestly, some months I felt like I never wanted sex again! I got my husband to do his thing into a cup and syringed it in. I actually found that that was the only way I could get pregnant - no idea why, maybe because it gave his slow sperm a helping whoosh. Wishing you all the best Flowers

Saoirse82 · 23/08/2021 20:57

I can totally understand where you are coming from. After we got married I felt I had to explain myself to every single person who asked if we had children. I felt really ashamed for not being able to have kids, I know I shouldn't have but that's how it left me feeling. It took us 7 years, miscarriages and ivf only for it to happen naturally after kind of giving up really. I wasn't trying ttc all of those 7 years, sometimes I took long breaks of up to a year and focused on my nephews who I love like my own. I know not everyone has this kind of bond or may not have nieces/nephews but it made me feel like I wasn't missing out on all the child stuff and I've become like their second mum.
I just wanted to reassure you that you aren't alone in feeling this way. It's an impossible thing to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it, I've cringed at infertility threads on here where women have been told that we all have struggles and just to suck it up, its a different kind of pain, a gnawing big hole that only gets worse with time and not better. But your feelings are valid and you are not alone Flowers

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 23/08/2021 22:05

I don't think that anybody knows what it is truly like unless you have had infertility. I know women who have gone through hell for a child. The pain doesn't stop mainly because you have suffered many losses on the way. Take Care. x

Babyghirl · 23/08/2021 22:49

@ttcissoboring
Sorry sorry your going through this I'm on the ttc train with you, I have had 4 miscarriages and 1 cp along the way aswell so 3 years of ttc and nothing to show for it, September will be 3 years from I got my first bfp and every September after that I got a bfp so a year to fall pregnant each time 4th time I fell was Jan there had my cp 3 years ago in march but never got a bfp then I'm on a thread ttc after a miscarriage please pop over the support is amazing and everyone is on the same journey so understand what ur going through I can tag u on it if you want just let me knw, just to also let you know your not alone and being on a thread where girls r going through the same is somewhat a seigh of relief cause your not on ur own if you get me. 💚

Babyghirl · 23/08/2021 22:54

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes
I totally get where your post is coming from but going through infertility and miscarriages is hard and adoption does not really help your desire of wanting a child and does not take away that experience of being a mum, I want the experience like a lot of women of the pregnancy the birth the first hold first everything and you can only really for fill that from the day you get a bfp,

SarahAndQuack · 23/08/2021 23:01

Just checking in to say I get where you're coming from, OP.

I also agree that talking about adoption isn't helpful. I have a beautiful, adored non-bio daughter. I couldn't possibly love her more; she is the best thing in my world. But that doesn't mean I don't get to be sad about infertility. They're separate things.

I am just gearing up (wearily) for some more fertility treatment - I had my first loss over a decade ago now, which feels strange, and I've never got very far into a pregnancy. It is horrible. But today I read that (apparently) only 4% of women who are involuntarily childless at some stage in their lives, don't ever have children. I found that hopeful. I do know it's still quite a depressing statistic - but not as bad as I'd thought.

Louise1051 · 23/08/2021 23:03

I feel your pain OP. I’ve been trying for so long and not a hint of a BFP, every month is just crushing. I used to tell myself it will happen one day - now I just can’t imagine that being true. I hope things turn around for you OP xx