Struggling with toddler- please help !

[strugglingmummy2021]

Sorry to post this here, but usually responses are fast and I'm desperate.

Can anybody help me or give some suggestions of what I can do please ?

I have a 19 month old and work full time. During the week, I have a nanny from 9-5. But soon my child will be going to nursery.

I'm struggling so much. I feel like I have burn out or something.

I hate being alone with my child. I find it utterly exhausting. A day spent alone is hell for me. I suffer from a chronic condition which causes me to be more fatigued than the average tired mum. So whilst taking my child out, does help the endless hours go by, I find it absolutely exhausting some weekends. I usually try to get out once a day, but when it rains, I don't. When we go out, it's better and child is happy at playground etc. But even just getting myself and child there is so tiring. The worst is when we get back home. I'm tired from being out and need to carry child down masses of stairs and cook etc and get child ready for bed. It's just so tiring for me.

My husband works at weekends too. Most weekends. So he's out from 6 am until 8 pm. So it's down to me. I don't have family near and often find it hard to get the energy to go to the park with other mums. I try to do it as much as possible, but sometimes I just can't.

The ideal situation is if my mum and sisters were near and we could just all hang out together. In my house for example so I don't need to log my child around constantly. But it's not possible.

It's not every weekend I feel this bad. But a lot of the time I do. I don't really know what I'm expecting to hear in terms of advice, but if anyone has been in a similar situation, do let me know how you moved past it.

I also sometimes don't know if I'm just really lazy, or just unwell with my illness. Before I had my child, I would just stay in and recuperate from the week most weekends and just lie in bed for days. I just can't ever get that rest now and I'm exhausted ! But a small part of me thinks maybe I'm lazy. I just don't know. I'm a mess and I find myself getting really angry when I get this tired and just randomly screaming by myself. It's not ideal.

I just re-read my post and I'm sorry if the way I refer to my child seems cold. I didn't want to give away whether it's a boy or girl obviously. I'm not sure why, I think I'm worried about privacy. But please don't think I don't love my child because or the way I refer to them in my post. They're a lovely toddler, wanting to experience and explore life. I try to provide this for them as much I can, but some weekends I really struggle.

Op- this sounds really tough! Reading your post, the two obvious things that you could change are you working full time and your husband working weekends. Could you work 4 days a week and keep your child in 5 day childcare? Or could your husband make sure he only ever works one day of the weekend so you have a day to recover from your working week? If that’s not possible, could your nanny work a half day at the weekend so you can rest. It’s really tough parenting with chronic illness and I know from experience that you don’t want to let your child down but it’s important to be realistic about what you can manage. Sorry if all my suggestions are really obvious. Hugs xxx

Thanks for your reply. I think the most likely option would be to arrange regular child care at the weekend for a bit. Maybe Sunday half day or something like that. There is no way we can change our working situation at the moment.

Just reading my post again and kind of letting my feelings about everything sink in, I am finding it hard to understand if I'm just lazy or if it's the fatigue caused by my condition. I need to try to deal with that too.

You need a better balance in your life, as someone else suggested you and your husband need to look at the whole work life situation. You both need to reduce or change work lives, how you are living does not sound sustainable for you, and good luck finding child care at a weekend.

Oh I think it shouldn't be too hard. There are so many nannies and baby sitters looking for extra hours around here. I just hadn't really thought about that being an option.

You’re NOT lazy at all, just an overworked busy mum with health issues who loves her child and is wise enough to reach out for advice.
Have you got any trusted friends or neighbours where you could get together, kiddies can play together and you get a chat/ support/ shoulder to cry on?
What about play groups or a weekend childminder?
Does your DH have to work all weekend or is it for overtime? Does he know how you feel and how your physical and mental health is suffering? I feel he should be doing more to support you either way.

Op - you are definitely not lazy. No one with a full time job and a 19 month old has time to be lazy! Fatigue is not being lazy. With your chronic condition, are you part of a Facebook support group? I’m on a fb group for one of my chronic conditions and it’s been really helpful a) for the emotional support b) for the practical medical help as it’s quite rare and often drs don’t know about it c) for helping me compare myself to others with the same condition and realise that actually I often expect a bit much of myself.
When you’ve got a chronic condition it’s really easy to ignore it and compare yourself to people with out the same issues and feel bad that you are not running around the park, whipping up health meals and generally being super-mum but this can often be quite mentally and physically unhelpful.
Hope you can find a weekend nanny so you get some time to chill. Xx

Unless you absolutely have to work FT, I’d look at reducing hours, to either 3 or 4 days a week. FT with little ones and a long term condition is exhausting (from experience) so do what you need to do. Your health is important too.

@motherofcatsandbears that is exactly what I wish I had. But I just don't have it. Everyone is always busy busy busy. And if not busy, they always want to meet her or there and sometimes I just can't/ don't have the energy.

Husband knows my situation, but doesn't do anything. Sometimes I ask him please to just get child out of bed and into high chair in the morning, before he goes to work. He's always busy and rushing out of the door. It's basically me and that's it. He literally might as well not be here. He is at work so much, he can't really contribute to much in the home.

Thanks everyone. I'm crying. Why does no one in my life recognise how hard this is ?

I agree with pp that you and your DH need a better work/life balance, to take account of your illness and the needs of your child.

In my industry I know no one who works anything BUT full time. I also know NO mothers in my job role and never have ! I've worked in this for almost 10 years and have never known a mother to do my role. Says something. But no one seems to recognise it and I think people will judge me for giving up. But it's really showing on me that I'm not in a good place at all. But everyone just lets me get on with it and no one ever asks if I'm OK or if they can help me etc.it's a lonely existence and now I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Sorry !

@strugglingmummy2021

In my industry I know no one who works anything BUT full time. I also know NO mothers in my job role and never have ! I've worked in this for almost 10 years and have never known a mother to do my role. Says something. But no one seems to recognise it and I think people will judge me for giving up. But it's really showing on me that I'm not in a good place at all. But everyone just lets me get on with it and no one ever asks if I'm OK or if they can help me etc.it's a lonely existence and now I'm just feeling sorry for myself. Sorry !

It’s difficult, I was judged for going PT but I absolutely needed to. It was big firm that talks the talk on equal opportunities in the workplace and has countless policies etc on having a great culture etc but doesn’t live it in practice. Eventually I left and found a more local job with less hours, less commute and that it’s done wonders for my health. I suspect your DH needs to be sat down snd told bluntly what you need him to do, it’s really unfair that he leaves you to struggle. He sounds quite dispassionate about the situation.

I hand on heart would not want to be a first time mum again. It was bloody lonely. I worked 3 days and had 2 days with DD and everyone said how nice it must be. I didn't find it fun at all. Now she's older and I've got more than 1 it's easier.

I'd reassess work and your partner working weekends tbh

@Justgettingbye yeah it really sucks ! No one says it !

First of all, I found this age exhausting. They can move fast, don't play by themselves for long and don't see any danger. Not much time (read almost none) for yourself.

How is the rest of your daily life? Can you simplify? Get a cleaner so that doesn't fall on you (during the weekend)?
Do you meal plan? Order groceries? Have easy healthy meals in stead of difficult ones?

And please learn the little one to clean up as well. For now, he/she may put their clothes in the laundry basket or 'clean' a table with a wet cloth. Small steps. Helps for when they are a bit older.

Is you little one happy with the toys/activities at home as well? Sensory play might be of interest. Supervised, with something to drink for yourself. And cardboard books for them to explore.

for you.

I found that also. Similarly I was in an accountancy role which was 9-5 no one worked anything else. In the end I realised this wasn't going to change and I'm now in a lower paid, shorter hours job which I quite enjoy and get to see the kids more than I would.

It's made out that mums can have everything which isn't the case but I would say it gets easier as they get older and if you have a friend to confide let off steam too

@StarsandStones I try to keep everything as simple as possible. I have a cleaner. She's amazing and I'm so grateful.

I'm trying to teach LO to clean up and tidy away, but doesn't quite get it yet.

LO doesn't play long alone.. wants to climb a lot ( although a bit less recently, thankfully ! ) but has huge tantrums when doesn't get their way. I try to reduce the things around they can't play with, but of course it happens.

@Justgettingbye yes ! I certainly can't have it all and it's showing. I need to step back and just accept that I can't earn as much as I would like.

I am in a similar situation it is very hard. Sometimes I take a days holiday in the week and lie in bed drinking tea and reading. I also take my full lunch hour and gave a 40 minute nap!

This was me a few years ago. Even without the health issues there's no law that says every second of the time you spend together must be enriching and joyous.

Peppa Pig or similar on rotation is your friend. I was also a big fan of any game I could play lying down. Things like doctors and nurses where you get to be the patient. We would also have very long baths. DS could splash and I could get on with my emails.

You meet people that claim toddler years are the best etc etc etc, but I think there are also an awful lot of us that think it's more fun every year, it'll get easier!

Also - kids should see full time working mothers as normal. Ours do 😊

Also - once you are involved with Nursery, take some time to make friends with the other mums. Some will be in the same boat and you can recreate your mum / sister option with them maybe.

I have a 20-month old, I work full time, I have a DH who shares the load 50-50 and I'm still knackered, I can't imagine how tough it would be with an absentee partner and chronic illness to deal with as well! As PPs have said, you need to find a way to carve out some time to yourself, and it sounds like the best way of doing that will be paying for childcare for a day at the weekend. That way you can rest and hopefully recuperate a little.

It's a hard stage, though. It feels like DD is old enough to have strong opinions, but not developed enough to articulate them very well, or understand why she can't always have everything she wants. Some days I just want to step away from it all

It is really difficult so having health issues on top if it must be even harder. Do you have a garden? If so could you install a swing slide etc so that as your child starts to get older they can play on these things themselves and saves you trips to the park. This is what has helped me in my situation. Having a au pair or nanny sounds like it would help you. It's not natural to raise a child alone. It's hard

I'm so tired today. I just fell asleep and child is watching peppa pig in the cot. My husband keeps trying to convince me to go out, but I can't face getting myself ready and child ready and then making the mission out. What about a playpen at this age ? My mum keeps suggesting that, but I think child is way too old and big for that.