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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Midlife crisis- what did you do?

27 replies

Purplelemon7 · 22/08/2021 09:59

Is there anything that can be done to get over it and how long did yours last?

I’m in my mid 30s and been through a few transitions recently which may have triggered it (young family and changes at work where I’ve been for a decade). I find myself bored off life and nostalgic for the past. I’ve achieved many of the things that I wanted in terms of a partner, kids, job, home etc. Everything used to feel new and fresh and exciting but now those same things just don’t elicit the same feeling any more. We have a holiday (just DH and I) planned and ordinarily that would be something I’d look forward to and now I just feel ‘meh’ about it. With a very young family it’s hard to do things like volunteering, hobbies etc but even if I could I don’t find the idea energising. I find myself thinking of the past (something I’ve never done before) and worrying about the future (mostly about my parents dying).

Is there anything I can do to shift my mindset to be more grateful? I try but it’s so hard.

OP posts:

afghanistanwhatnow · 22/08/2021 10:06

Hey OP, I've posted quite a lot about this same topic and I have no solutions! But just want to say you're not alone.

I've been this was for 5 years since turning 30. In now 35 and still feeling much the same. I've tried hobbies, etc and still feel I'm having an existential crisis.

I haven't had kids yet so there's some hope maybe that gives me purpose but right now I honestly cannot work out what the point is to many things.

Recently started a small dose of anti depressants to see how that improves my mindset. We will see.

glasgowLil · 22/08/2021 10:32

I think lots of people are feeling like this at the mo. Covid has totally changed life and all the things that used to add a bit of spice to life like holidays, parties etc are now either not happening or you spend all the time in the run up to them worrying you’ll have to isolate/get ill/have to cancel. I’m not sure what the answer is other than acknowledging that we’ve been through a very tough 18 months and not knowing when it will end/if it will end is really hard. Hugs xx

Original poster

Purplelemon7 · 22/08/2021 10:46

Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone. I don’t know if kids is the answer. I love my kids but I think having them has made me miss my child free life (even though I did feel ready to have them as I had started to feel a little bored off the childfree life!)
I do wonder whether it’s covid related too. Even though things have opened up life doesn’t feel quite the same for me

OP posts:

afghanistanwhatnow · 22/08/2021 10:50

I agree @Purplelemon7 Covid feels over but not over. The general vibe doesn't feel the same. It's almost like there's a lack of enthusiasm in people (at least my circles anyway!).

I'm done with the child free life. The only thing I'd miss is going out for a meal once a week with DH and gym sessions together. Both of which I have a childcare option arranged so hopefully children won't create too much disruption but we will see.

Are you very active as a family? Perhaps more day trips - walks, activities would break up the monotony?

HollyGrail · 22/08/2021 10:53

I am seriously harking back to the past missing things -and seem to love reading books from early 20thC etc. But I'm 68 so I think it's not surprising.
I think it's covid and negative stuff in the news (was it always this bad?).

But I would try to get a hobby that involves making things - producing even an amateur looking piece of painted furniture, stitching, art, drawing, photography, cake - it's certainly gives me a boost (especially when most people are very admiring whatever it is). I know you'll be short of time but try to fit something in.

JanisJ · 22/08/2021 11:27

I got a lot of tattoos.

Original poster

Purplelemon7 · 22/08/2021 11:31

Yes exactly. I feel that there’s still a lack of enthusiasm and lack of activity. Before I remember it was hard to find time to fit things in on the weekend. I’m trying to arrange a few things for the coming weekends but I don’t feel the same as I used to. We do stuff as a family but honestly working from home we spend so much time together already during the week. I think before when I was in the office I used to really treasure the weekends a lot more! Never really enjoyed making things but I did pick up some interests last year that kept me busy during lockdown but have lost my enthusiasm for them too.

OP posts:

QueenHofScotland · 22/08/2021 12:03

Have you spoken to your GP? Is there a possibility to you are low in mood and actually depressed rather than going through a midlife crisis?

Rockbird · 22/08/2021 12:12

Literally just speaking to a friend about this, and DH over the last couple of weeks. We're on holiday and I've been so unmotivated, would rather have just stayed at home. When I was younger I used to go off by myself for hours, headphones on, off to a new area with some places to visit or locations to spot or something. I loved it, it was what I did. Haven't been able to do it for years what with marriage and kids and now I feel like I'll explode if I don't get to go off by myself. The desire to do so is all I can think about. I love my family dearly but I'm so bored with the way my life is.

countrytown · 22/08/2021 12:15

I had this in my early 30s. I think a bit of it is accepting that "I'm not going to a published author", a movie star or whatever & acknowledging that life can be a bit meh. I changed careers

LadyWithLapdog · 22/08/2021 12:20

I had this in my early 40s , after children, and changed career.

afghanistanwhatnow · 22/08/2021 12:27

@countrytown

I had this in my early 30s. I think a bit of it is accepting that "I'm not going to a published author", a movie star or whatever & acknowledging that life can be a bit meh. I changed careers

Agree with this. You realise that perhaps all of those exciting dreams that kept you going are now highly unlikely and the reality of responsibility and mundane sets in.

Change of career could be useful but it's not always that easy - and also to be honest I think most careers seem boring lol

For some people and sounds OP like you're one of them - not much excites them. So what you do at that point is have an existential crisis! Which not many can help you solve.

Have you tried therapy OP? I've had lots and whilst still hasn't provided a solution has been very helpful

Original poster

Purplelemon7 · 22/08/2021 12:37

Never really had dreams off being anything extraordinary to be honest. I think I’ve achieved a lot of the things I dreamed off and I’m not sure what next? Not sure if it’s true that I’m one of those people that nothing much excites… I’ve had a wonderful life where I’ve been very happy and enjoyed lots of things but I get bored after a while and then find something new and it’s just that at this point none of those things excite me any more and nothing new appeals either.

OP posts:

DecideDay0Out · 22/08/2021 12:41

Moved to completely new area
New job
New hobbies
Met New people
Travel (pre covid)

Photosymphysis · 22/08/2021 12:46

How old are your children?

When they're tiny life is quite different. But as they get older you can do more with them. Not the old clubbing or drunken holidays of yore (if that was your thing) but going on adventures and exploring cities & countryside, trying surfing/kayaking/rock climbing, going cycling/hiking whatever you think you might enjoy (can hire kit and tuition for all of these).

Ours are nearly old enough to come to gigs with us.

One thing I've had to realise is that children or not, I'm not 25 any more and actually I don't want to do the things I did when I was 25.

I've also realised I need time by myself to do things for myself. A hobby by myself. It sounds like this is what you need.

Try a bunch of things, book your time off from your family (this is what the second parent is for!) and go find your middle-aged (you're not middle aged!) self!

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 22/08/2021 12:49

I think it might partly be your age, but also covid- I've found a lot of my friends seem not that excited to rejoin the world, anxious, worried, a couple got depressed during lockdown, I just think everyone got very burned out with the low level (for me anyway, some high level for others) stress and unpleasantness of it all. Going out is fun, to an extent, but I've had to cancel so much this summer, wear masks when I do, it's not carefree really.

I think it's worth being kind to yourself right now, but perhaps starting to write or talk to a good friend about what you'd like to happen. I've found when I feel like this I can take a bit of time to work out what's going on. Perhaps St John's Wort or some vitamins/checking your iron levels might help as well.

I do also find if you fake it, you do eventually get your head back in the game. I have not wanted to go out a couple of times, then I have and really enjoyed it. Perhaps act as if, not all the time, but just in one area you'd like to improve and see how that goes.

I found having children under 10 like this all the time if I'm honest, even though I enjoyed being with them, teens are more freeing even if you have other worries.

afghanistanwhatnow · 22/08/2021 13:00

@DecideDay0Out how long ago did you make those changes and do you feel better for them?

As I always worry doing something radical like that I could end up thinking the grass was never greener

Wandawide · 22/08/2021 13:08

I have been getting this way recently partly age, part Covid and part bad health. Got to find something to commit to, not just 'dabble' at. When younger I used to sail. Dinghy sailing on coast and then on large lake.
After I had learned as an adult, I got into racing it gave me much more focus than just bimbling around. I really did not want to be last. There was also a social life.
Do you have any interests that you had in the back of your mind that you could take up now?

countrytown · 22/08/2021 13:10

Never really had dreams off being anything extraordinary to be honest. I think I’ve achieved a lot of the things I dreamed off and I’m not sure what next?

But that's part of the problem. You spend a large part of your life reaching goals, ticking boxes & then you realise you're at the top of your own mountain & what do you do now.

Thadhiya · 22/08/2021 13:12

I do something new every year.

'19 was getting my first tattoo. I now have a fairly visible upper arm sleeve. This year I started skateboarding lessons. I like to pick up strength sports and then look for contests to enter, and go in in the beginner category. Rock-climbing and bouldering. Mountain hikes. I took a surfing course too.

I just pick random stuff and go for it. DH is an active parent who can watch the kids perfectly well without me, so that's not an issue.

afghanistanwhatnow · 22/08/2021 13:12

@countrytown agree, I have the same problem. Hit all of my life goals prematurely so utterly bored shirtless now and have no desire to set new ones as they don't ignore me enough, not enough passion for anything

GoodnightGrandma · 22/08/2021 13:14

I feel like Ive lost my motivation. I’m not depressed, just can’t be bothered any more.

megletthesecond · 22/08/2021 13:15

I've done nothing (working LP) despite probably mentally needing to. I had to quit OU due to having a non sleeping child for years.

CatCup · 22/08/2021 13:15

Study? Degree or MA? Open Uni is all on line.

countrytown · 22/08/2021 13:16

covid had definitely compounded my loss of motivation. Even my recent holidays I was quite lazy & unbothered whereas normally I have itineraries , reservations etc.

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