Help - he wants to take her kids

[Givemecoffeeplease]

A friend of mine is in the process of separating from her partner - they are not married. They have two kids, 4&8. She’s from Denmark but has full residency rights here. She’s suffered from depression since the birth of her second child but is taking medication and undergoing therapy. Whilst she suffers from low mood, there has never been any question of her ability to parent her children. I think she’s a great mum.

Her partner is saying her behaviour is affecting the children and he wants to have sole parental rights. I know legally he can’t just take them away from her, but what can she do in this situation? They still live together so I’m urging her to get separate accommodation and sort out a parenting split. What’s the best way to do this? I want to give her hard advice - be it see a mediator, approach a lawyer etc, but I’m not sure what to advise. AIBU to ask for your help please? Financially, they can afford to separate, but she can’t afford expensive lawyers.

Thank you

Men who say that they want sole custody always disappear in to the mist when it's their freedom that's impacted upon.

I'd advise her to tell him she's fine with 50:50.
He won't want to have NO FREEDOM.

Mediation is the first step, as others have said.
Don’t waste time faffing about with Citizens Advice.

I think if she has been main carer, has uk residency then theres no reason for him to be granted residency and I think if she is happy to offer 50/50, then the chances are that if it went to court or mediation then that would be seen as fair, whereas him asking for sole rights would be seen as unfair.
Depression isnt a reason for removing children from their mother. It isnt a safeguarding concern .

its worth telling her too, that this is a massively common thing for men to say after a split, but the reality is that its not usually granted unless in extreme cases, and even then the mother has parental rights and regular access to the children. A good mother wouldnt try and stop a father having access to his children because he had depression and a good father wouldnt stop a mother having access for depression either. Im not even sure this would go to court unless he really does have money to burn

@PearlyBird not always true, my Dad wanted full custody and got it.

I think she should stay in the home and encourage him to leave.

He's their father. They have as much right to stay with him as her.

@Needapoodle

Isn't she trying to take his kids though?

Exactly. Funny how you read so much on here about what father's need to do but when it comes to it the children "belong" to the mother.

Is her partner on the birth certificate? How much has he done in practice by way of looking after the children on his own? Has he said what he would do about their care while he works?

Has anyone asked their DC how Mum's "low mood" is affecting them?

My Mum had MH issues, and when Dad walked out, I was left to look after Mum and raise my younger sibling. I was 13 years old and no one ever asked me if I was OK.

He could be being cruel, yes. Or he could be desperately trying to protect them. I think I'd want to know which.........

You’re not objective and you don’t know all the facts,just your friend account
Her low mood may be adversely impacting .You genuinely don’t know
Signpost her to legal advice, she needs a professional opinion as opposed to a well meaning mate without the complete overview

@ancientgran @SunshineCake she’s not trying to cut him out. She’s trying to separate amicably and agree something like 50/50. It’s a short thread, you didn’t have to read much to be clear on this. There is no place for ooooh so when dads want rights here.this is a dad threatening to take the children, NOT a mum trying to cut their dad out of their life.

You're far too involved and overstepping. Listen sympathetically, encourage her to get legal advice, but don't meddle.

[quote timeisnotaline]**@ancientgran* @SunshineCake* she’s not trying to cut him out. She’s trying to separate amicably and agree something like 50/50. It’s a short thread, you didn’t have to read much to be clear on this. There is no place for ooooh so when dads want rights here.this is a dad threatening to take the children, NOT a mum trying to cut their dad out of their life.[/quote]
Look at the title, they are "her" kids.

The mum didn’t write the title. The op did. Read the thread.

Is she a sahm?
If she is and "suddenly" he is claiming that there is an issue and he needs full custody I would be a bit suspicious

My ex tried this children's services said his girlfriend shouldn't be around our children (after she had hers removed for good reason) he turned around and told them I was beating the children up and not feeding them the social worker wanted to know why this was only an issue now and not when it had allegedly happened 12 months prior

She might find this useful

www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce

Look at the title, they are "her" kids

Yes and my dd is MY dd, which doesn't mean that she isn't her father's dd too.

What a load of men's rights activists have jumped on this thread to tell the OP that she should leave her friend to face the risk of losing contact with HER children alone.

Op. It sounds like signficant pnd if it started after the second child. Which can absolutely impact an ability to parent. I don’t think he’s saying she should never see the kids but he should have sole custody?

@Coyoacan
Nah, I just think it’s the implication in several comments that the man is a “bad guy” for seeking sole custody. “Why can’t he just take 50/50?” Whereas if the roles were reversed most responses would be “well, I’m sure she has her reasons for seeking sole custody”. Of course, both parties should seek decent legal representation, and impartial authorities can decide the best outcome for the children.

Ok, it’s all derailing a little here - thanks for the advice, I’ll point her in the directions so many of you have kindly signposted. Really appreciate your help.

Over and out.

@Needapoodle

Isn't she trying to take his kids though?

How?

@supermoonrising

What does "sole custody" mean for you?

Unless there is domestic violence, no parent should seek "sole custody" IMHO.

@pleasekeeptotheright

"Whilst she suffers from low mood, there has never been any question of her ability to parent her children."

How can you possibly know this?

You want to give her "hard advice" but don't know what that advice is? In that case you sound far from best placed to be dishing out "advice". Why don't you back off a bit and just be a shoulder to cry on when she needs it?

Why the snarky arse comments to the OP? She's telling us what she knows

There's been some very good advice on here OP, I hope your friend is OK.

Also the usual MN dicks that come on most thread about women and trash said woman. Hey ho.

I don't think people realise that 50:50 contact isn't practice or very suitable for most families

@DrDetriment

He s their dad. Why shouldn't be want residency? Perhaps he's better placed to meet their needs, perhaps he's worried she'll take them back to Denmark. Why is the assumption always that the mum will have primary residency with dad getting whatever scraps mum chooses to give?

Because 9 out of 10 times it’s the woman who has made all the sacrifices up to that point. Why the fuck should the woman be the one to give up her career, do 90% of the parenting, but then dad gets full custody on a split?! Talk about man pandering. It should be what’s best for the kids, not grown men, and that often means staying with the primary carer.