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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Annoying SIL wants to visit newborn

26 replies

sisterinlawsareannoying · 21/08/2021 16:40

Apologies for long thread, name changed for privacy.

My SIL1 is overbearing and annoying. She thinks she’s super helpful but she’s not and her visits are always stressful (eg she says she will drive at say 10 but can turn up anytime and I spend ages tidying up after her when she finally goes)

When pregnant to prevent arguments Id pre agreed with husband that SIL1 would visit after we had DS2 but that we would have a few weeks to bond with baby and adjust before she came. He was completely fine with this.

SIL1 has claimed she wanted to visit us/DS1 all summer but hasn’t due to her being disorganised / cancelling (teaching assistant so holidays suit her as we live miles away). We pencilled in last week and she cancelled so moved to next week but only loosely as i warned her I could be having the baby imminently and I know she’s flakey so thought it unlikely to happen (she’s cancelled previous visits)

I’ve just had DS2 two weeks early and SIL1 has now decided she definitely wants to come on Tuesday and take DS1 out of nursery and mess up our schedule etc to "help" us. It won't help it will be awful.

I’ve said no to husband and he went mental at me, he says I’m the unreasonable one. I've checked and she hasn’t had to arrange travel or transport as she was coming with her husband who drives to London a few times each week.

DH actually isn’t even really bothered about seeing SIL1 visiting but he loves SIL2 (they lived together growing up but not with SIL1). He really wants SIL2 to visit but SIL1 gets jealous unless she is treated equally or better by DH.

I’m happy for SIL2 to visit as she’s great, she’s already said she wants to give us a couple of weeks space as she’s really considerate so all good there, same with FIL/SMIL etc.

SIL1 is also the kind of person who goes anywhere does anything and doesn’t care about germs / covid etc (we caught covid off her last year when she invited us to her house when rule of 6 was on and she failed to mention till we turned up she had invited way over 6 people, had I known I would not have gone and she knew that hence not saying)

AIBU to have put SIL1 off visiting?

OP posts:

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 16:41

Can you arrange for them to come on the same day?

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 21/08/2021 16:44

I’d get it over with then you can enjoy the rest of the visits

SofaSpuds · 21/08/2021 16:47

Is she coming for a few hours or a few days? Maybe suck it up for a couple of hours, but overnight or more day you're not ready yet.
Congrats on baby!

LIZS · 21/08/2021 16:51

Why take dc1 out of nursery? Her visit has to fit around you.

Theunamedcat · 21/08/2021 16:54

He gets to entertain her and clean up after her

If she doesn't visit often I would take the child out of nursery for the day but again he deals with any consequences

Cuddlyrottweiler · 21/08/2021 16:55

Ridiculous to take DS1 out of nursery.
If you are close with SIL2 then ask her to come when SIL1 comes so she can suggest "why don't we all get off and get out of their hair?"

pictish · 21/08/2021 17:09

You might not like her but she is your dh’s sister. I’m not surprised he was annoyed. Yabu.

Zanina · 21/08/2021 17:11

Don't let her take your child out of nursery. Get the visit over and done with. And get husband to entertain and clean up. You go to feed / sleep whenever you need to. Just carry on as normal. X

LookItsMeAgain · 21/08/2021 17:11

Congratulations on your newborn!

Step 1 - tell the nursery that they are not to release DS1 to anyone but their dad or you at any time - so she won't be allowed to collect your DS from nursery when she comes up.

Step 2 - tell your DH that unreasonable or not, she is not to visit at the moment. You find her visits stressful and following on from the fact that you caught Covid from her when she visited the last time, she is NOT high on your list of must see relatives at the present time. You will then consider him to be unreasonable if he carries on with arranging a visit for her at the present time. (Two can play at that 'Who is being unreasonable' game).

Step 3 - contact SiL1 and say that while you are looking forward to her visit like a hole in the head that actually now is really not a good time, this was not planned so you're really not in a good space at the moment to have visitors right now. Hopefully things will be better for a visit in a few weeks time.

Step 4 - if she shows up, pretend you are napping/out for a walk at the time. Put your phone(s) on silent.

She sounds like the type of relative that you have to have your wits about you at the best of times and now isn't that time. You're adjusting from being a family of 3 to a family of 4 or whatever.

longhours · 21/08/2021 17:19

"Dear SIL1, DH said you were thinking of coming down next week. Can't do then, not up for general visits yet. Will let you know when is a good week to visit, cheers (also can you organise LFT to make sure it's negative on morning before you visit as we have a newborn) "

Elkey · 21/08/2021 17:22

It is almost never unreasonable for the mother of a newborn to tell any person they can't visit yet. Unless she only has a few weeks left to live, YANBU.

coconutpie · 21/08/2021 17:24

YANBU.

Oh and you have a major DH problem. He isn't the one who just gave birth so he has no say in this matter, he's being an unreasonable twat.

Jent13c · 21/08/2021 17:25

How far away is she? Can you meet up for a brunch or something? I've never been in the situation because DS was at home when his brother was a newborn but I'm not sure id want to take him out of nursery when he's already had a big change recently. YABU to not see your husbands sister, she's excited about the baby but YANBU to not want more work on yourselves. Say you met at a cafe and had a nice long meal then you can leave when it's convenient to you rather than her staying til its suits her. And someone else does the dishes!

ITakeCharge · 21/08/2021 17:26

She wants to come on Tuesday? Is your husband planning to take Tuesday off work in order to host her or is he expecting you to do that? Is she just coming for the day - in which case if he takes the day off work, let him get on with it if that's what he wants and you go out and visit a friend or something if you don't want to be around her. Or is she planning to stay for a few days, in which case it's up to you when it's convenient if you are expected to host. I understand that it is also his child and his home and he wants to welcome his family so it really depends how much he is prepared to do and how much he is expecting you to do.

QueeniesCroft · 21/08/2021 17:28

I’ve said no to husband and he went mental at me, he says I’m the unreasonable one.

He is the problem here. He panders to her, which is why she is so overbearing; he has taught her that this works!

forrestgreen · 21/08/2021 17:28

I'd say ok as long as dh is home to organise, cook and clean. Surely she can take Ds out for the afternoon.

Antinerak · 21/08/2021 17:28

Congratulations on your baby! Hope you're both doing well!

What about inviting her for dinner? She could see both DD1+2 and as you're at home you'd have an excuse to leave with DD2 to bathe/feed/nap etc. Make sure she does a LFT either before she gets there or before she walks in the door. If she's only there for the evening there'll be a cut off point where she needs to leave. She can feel she's 'helping' by helping DD1 with dinner and doing the dishes!

Antinerak · 21/08/2021 17:43

Apparently I can't read, apologies for saying 'DD', not 'DS'

InFiveMins · 21/08/2021 18:42

YABU. You are creating a drama out of nothing. Let her come and see her new niece or nephew and tell your husband he needs to clean up after her. Really is nothing to get so worked up about is there?

Elkey · 21/08/2021 18:45

@InFiveMins

YABU. You are creating a drama out of nothing. Let her come and see her new niece or nephew and tell your husband he needs to clean up after her. Really is nothing to get so worked up about is there?

Family members, one being her DP, aren't respecting her wishes or boundaries when she's just had a baby. That's not nothing

JaffaRaf · 21/08/2021 18:48

Why don’t you just message her yourself and tell her to come the following week instead? The other SIL has agreed to give you a few weeks anyway so just let SIL1 come first, tell your husband to clear up after her, and leave your DS in nursery. It doesn’t need to be a big drama.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 21/08/2021 18:51

Would it be helpful or worse if SIL2 came too?
Sometimes when there's a bigger family thing, it can filter out the PITA's.

girlmom21 · 21/08/2021 18:52

Let her come if she's not going to be a regular visitor. It gets the visit out the way.
DH can tidy up after her and DS1 can still go to nursery as planned.

Chloemol · 21/08/2021 19:45

Let her come, show her the baby, no touching, then say you need to feed,change,sleep etc and leave with DH who can entertain his sister and tidy up after her

Cryalot2 · 21/08/2021 20:22

Congratulations on your new baby . You do not need stress. Can you fake illness so that she has to delay her visit.? Midwife says both you and baby need rest, or must not have visitors for x days .
Tell your dh if she insists in coming, her visit will be short and that he must stay with her. She is his ds so he deals with her. You have had the baby.
Do not let nursery let anyone else have dc1 . Why would he have to stay out of nursery?

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